Does it bother you if your lover remains friends with their past lovers?

November 28, 2016

I have had to change.

I happen to have met someone who I love enough to be a better person for.

I natural thrive and enjoy friendships with many short term hook ups; the reason being, I usually clicked really well with said men:o and a lot of them were super nice people. Basically, what drew me to most short term dating partners were their kindness and personalities and the fact that we got along so well.

Furthermore, I have ALWAYS connected better with men. I am one of the guys and can have frank discussions about love and dating with them; men tend to open up and feel comfortable with me.

With that said, for the first time in my life I have the privilege of being in a relationship with a sole mate. So now I act accordingly.

Men mostly don't REALLY want to do the whole male friends thing and women are only usually cool with their partners and their exes chatting if their exes looked like a walrus.

There are exceptions. I actually wish I could retain friendships with an ex or 2 and do miss them for one reason or another one was funny and kind while one made me laugh like no other and we were similar and good at advising one another and has our best interest ls at heart.

January 1, 2017

It really depends on what they mean by 'friends' - definitions of the term seem to vary a lot. "Friends" as in they can be civil towards one another, talk to each other a bit during group gatherings where both are present, the ooccasional FB 'like', sure. But if you mean "friends" in the sense of hanging out one-on-one all the time, communicating daily, sharing intimate details about their lives... nope, no way.

In your particular case, I wouldn't have accepted either you or your gf's behaviour. Neither the 'generous gift' nor the 'best friends' with past lovers are okay IMO. Nor would I do it myself. The only time I could ever see myself 'buying a gift' for an ex-lover would be in a group situation. E.g. if we worked at the same place and people were collecting funds for a group gift to him, or alternatively if I just handed out little gifts en masse (say, after taking a trip somewhere) and he was included. Definitely not picking out a personal item, paying lots of money for it and giving it to them.

Why? I think it's a sign of maturity that she was able to stay friends withan ex.

January 1, 2017

It really depends on what they mean by 'friends'

Exactly. The word is too ambiguous to be useful in this context. Civil with the occasional howdy-do via text on birthdays... maybe. Constant contact, going out, alone time, still involved even though they aren't bumping uglies... nope, not going to suffer that stuff.

I wouldn't have accepted either you or your gf's behaviour. Neither the 'generous gift' nor the 'best friends' with past lovers are okay IMO.

I just don't have any desire for that kind of drama in my life, and I don't care to date anyone who does. Fortunately, my girlfriend has firm boundaries and cut all contact with the guy prior to me. I am not in contact with any of my ex's, although a few are still FB friends... which is totally meaningless. I unfollowed them so they don't keep popping up in my feed.

January 1, 2017

but OP - -why the expensive gift? what was on your mind

January 1, 2017

For a drama free life : Complete NC with exes.

Past should remain in past. If they are or were that important then well, go back to them. Why bother with a new partner ?

January 1, 2017

For a drama free life : Complete NC with exes.

Past should remain in past. If they are or were that important then well, go back to them. Why bother with a new partner ?

If they were that good you would of married them instead of them being left in your past.

January 1, 2017

If they were that good you would of married them instead of them being left in your past.

Yep. At least there is one person on the entire LS that agrees with me on this !

January 2, 2017

but OP - -why the expensive gift? what was on your mind

She's always kind of had a crappy birthday and her parents aren't very nice. Just wanted to do something nice for a friend, that's all. It hurts me that so many people think that means I still like her.

January 2, 2017

If they were that good you would of married them instead of them being left in your past.

Why can't they remain friends, though? I don't understand that. I agree that they shouldn't be in contact all the time, but that doesn't mean they can't remain cordial. I don't see how someone being 'not okay' with their lover being friends with an ex isn't insecurity. I do understand that a lot of people do end up cheating even though they swear they won't, but there are people that don't let those temptations get the best of them, especially if they really care about their current partner...

January 2, 2017

I'm female and I was in the military. A lot of my now buddies are former ex's. We are long distance, talk or text occasionally. Sometimes it may be a few days in a row depending on what we are going through.

I think it is fine to be friends with an ex. I think it is fine to see them, spend time with them, get them gifts, whatever.

HOWEVER....if I was dating a man who was not fine with it, I would scale back. And I'd tell my ex's exactly why. "Hey, I'm seeing someone who isn't completely comfortable with ex's. Could we not do XYZ anymore?"

It involves communication and knowing partner limits. It's also on me to make sure my partner is secure in the relationship.

Now, all that said. I have an exbf that was "best friends" with his ex. He constantly stood me up for her drama. And she had a LOT of drama. She was a touch trashy. Literally, every week there was a new drama. The day that I was riding my bicycle home from school in the pouring rain because he had borrowed my car to take her son and her to court in the morning and I stopped by the watering hole to find them there and nice, dry and warm while I was soaked, I realized something was terribly wrong. He didn't want to give me the keys to my own car, because he had promised to drive her home...and it was raining after all and I was already soaked....

So, it is a matter of priorities and knowing what your partner's limits are. And if this is something important to you, you find out sooner rather than later in the relationship.

January 2, 2017

Why can't they remain friends, though? I don't understand that. I agree that they shouldn't be in contact all the time, but that doesn't mean they can't remain cordial. I don't see how someone being 'not okay' with their lover being friends with an ex isn't insecurity. I do understand that a lot of people do end up cheating even though they swear they won't, but there are people that don't let those temptations get the best of them, especially if they really care about their current partner...

Must be young for still wet behind the ears.

January 2, 2017

I don't see how someone being 'not okay' with their lover being friends with an ex isn't insecurity. I do understand that a lot of people do end up cheating even though they swear they won't, but there are people that don't let those temptations get the best of them, especially if they really care about their current partner...

Do you actually expect your current partner to believe you're immune, despite you giving ex's expensive gifts? Nope. Insecurity is when they're conjuring up stuff in their imagination without basis. When you're giving them good reason to believe that you're enamored with an ex it's rational thinking and accurate reality testing. I think you're not admitting to your own motivations. I think you're trying to keep ex's on the string because you're insecure and have no boundaries. A cake eater as it's often called.

January 2, 2017

Do you actually expect your current partner to believe you're immune, despite you giving ex's expensive gifts? Nope. Insecurity is when they're conjuring up stuff in their imagination without basis. When you're giving them good reason to believe that you're enamored with an ex it's rational thinking and accurate reality testing. I think you're not admitting to your own motivations. I think you're trying to keep ex's on the string because you're insecure and have no boundaries. A cake eater as it's often called.

Gee. Thanks. Love how you automatically think you know who I am and what my intentions are. She had a bf at the time and he understood. I even talked to him first. So Id really appreciate it if you didn't judge me like that. Thanks.

January 2, 2017

I'm female and I was in the military. A lot of my now buddies are former ex's. We are long distance, talk or text occasionally. Sometimes it may be a few days in a row depending on what we are going through.

I think it is fine to be friends with an ex. I think it is fine to see them, spend time with them, get them gifts, whatever.

HOWEVER....if I was dating a man who was not fine with it, I would scale back. And I'd tell my ex's exactly why. "Hey, I'm seeing someone who isn't completely comfortable with ex's. Could we not do XYZ anymore?"

It involves communication and knowing partner limits. It's also on me to make sure my partner is secure in the relationship.

Now, all that said. I have an exbf that was "best friends" with his ex. He constantly stood me up for her drama. And she had a LOT of drama. She was a touch trashy. Literally, every week there was a new drama. The day that I was riding my bicycle home from school in the pouring rain because he had borrowed my car to take her son and her to court in the morning and I stopped by the watering hole to find them there and nice, dry and warm while I was soaked, I realized something was terribly wrong. He didn't want to give me the keys to my own car, because he had promised to drive her home...and it was raining after all and I was already soaked....

So, it is a matter of priorities and knowing what your partner's limits are. And if this is something important to you, you find out sooner rather than later in the relationship.

I'm glad someone understands. And I agree it seems like he didn't make you a priority at that time.

January 2, 2017

Must be young for still wet behind the ears.

What are you getting at? If you trust your partner being friends withan ex shouldnt be an issue. Man the insecurity here is disheartening...like I get that not everyone does it since a lot of exes are targets for cheating but man stop generalizing that to everybody.

January 2, 2017

everyone's situation is different. I do think it's possible to be friends with your ex, but again, it's not for everyone.

My story is I didn't talk to my ex for several years after our separation/divorce, except for business matters. We needed the total withdrawal so we could each get on with our lives. After a while, though, we would send Merry Xmas, Happy B'day texts and eventually, we even met once in a while for coffee, lunch. And, we even started to work together again on a project here and there.

But it took years to get to this place to where we could be genuinely good friends to each other with no other entanglements or ulterior motives. He is like family to me and I to him, how could we not be civil to each other after so many years of being together? Granted, we had an amicable divorce, which is how we were able to maintain some semblance of a friendship. I also still periodically communicate with my ex in-laws too.

He's living with someone now and I am too. Here's a good story: we all met up- he and his GF, and I and my BF- at a Christmas party. It was a bit strange at first, but not so much because he and I are still really close, and not at all in a sexual way. I could never fathom ever being with him again except as a very close friend/family member. Thankfully, both of our partners get it and and do not try and control our friendship because we both are respectful to them and maintain absolute transparency.

Edited January 2, 2017 by SunnyWeather

January 2, 2017

^See? It's not like it's impossible. Why not stay friends with someone that you had great times with? Being friends doesn't mean you're trying to have a secual relation with them. For ****s sake you'd think the people here would be a bit more open minded about this subject. If being friends with an ex doesn't work for you, fine, but stop judging people who do. You automatically label that person as a bad guy or someone that has shady intentions and that is not true.

And I hate to say it but this site is starting to feel like poison to me now. :/

Edited January 2, 2017 by ZayKayWill

January 3, 2017

^See? It's not like it's impossible. Why not stay friends with someone that you had great times with? Being friends doesn't mean you're trying to have a secual relation with them. For ****s sake you'd think the people here would be a bit more open minded about this subject. If being friends with an ex doesn't work for you, fine, but stop judging people who do. You automatically label that person as a bad guy or someone that has shady intentions and that is not true.

And I hate to say it but this site is starting to feel like poison to me now. :/

Don't let it get to you, if you are here awhile you will get to know the posters and their backstory and understand maybe a little better their stance on things. Some people have been burned so they are looking through those lenses, and some people are just more glass half empty while others are half full.

My ex and I are in a great place, our families hang out, it's great, I love him like a brother.

My parents are far better divorced than married and so our family still does holidays together, vacations, etc. and there is NO chance they are getting back together. They just make better friends than anything more.

It can happen, just depends on the people and what they can do. In both of my situations the love was gone from the marriages prior to divorcing and both divorces were amicable. Nothing left on the table, so no unresolved emotions.

January 3, 2017

It all depends on the people involved.

Some exes do end up like brothers or sisters and there would never be anything going on whatever the circumstances, but other ex relationships are more like "unfinished business", than "purely platonic".

Love or sexual desire can be difficult to quantify for those on the outside and the most unlikely exes end up back together or indulge in "flings" with each other or in full blown affairs behind the backs of current partners.

Some people are entirely trustworthy. An ex is an ex is an ex. Others will take every sexual opportunity offered and some will be open to offers if there is still some perceived "love" there too. Too many grey areas and different scenarios to see being friends with an ex as a black and whire issue.

Unfortunately when you trust your partner to be friends with their ex, you really do not know what their agenda is, nor that of the ex.

Too many it seems to me blindly trust to find they are very disappointed by "human nature".

Bottom line answer to the question is, it depends...

January 3, 2017

My ex girlfriend was like that, too. I had bought one of my past exes a gift for her birthday and that was enough for her to break up with me. It was a pretty generous gift Ill admit but shouldn't have caused a break up. Yet she was 'best friends' with her ex of 3 years, but somehow Im the bad guy.

^See? It's not like it's impossible. Why not stay friends with someone that you had great times with? Being friends doesn't mean you're trying to have a secual relation with them. For ****s sake you'd think the people here would be a bit more open minded about this subject. If being friends with an ex doesn't work for you, fine, but stop judging people who do. You automatically label that person as a bad guy or someone that has shady intentions and that is not true.

And I hate to say it but this site is starting to feel like poison to me now. :/

The why not is easy: because as a general rule current partners aren't comfortable with it, and these relationships exist at the expense of the current relationship. Why not seems pretty obvious. Turn it around and ask why, when the costs in the present are apparent. The answer is that maintaining these relationships is more important to you than consideration for and prioritization of your current relationship and partner.

People tend not to be open minded when it comes to mate competition, which is what it's about. No one is the least bit fooled by ambiguation of the term friend.

You acknowledged in your first post that many people aren't cool with spouses remaining close with their ex's... so why are you surprised to hear that perspective in this thread. You asked, but it seems like you expected that all the responses would validate your perspective. There are some of both, and the proportion seems to be about what one might reasonably expect.

Edited January 3, 2017 by salparadise

January 4, 2017

The why not is easy: because as a general rule current partners aren't comfortable with it, and these relationships exist at the expense of the current relationship. Why not seems pretty obvious. Turn it around and ask why, when the costs in the present are apparent. The answer is that maintaining these relationships is more important to you than consideration for and prioritization of your current relationship and partner.

People tend not to be open minded when it comes to mate competition, which is what it's about. No one is the least bit fooled by ambiguation of the term friend.

You acknowledged in your first post that many people aren't cool with spouses remaining close with their ex's... so why are you surprised to hear that perspective in this thread. You asked, but it seems like you expected that all the responses would validate your perspective. There are some of both, and the proportion seems to be about what one might reasonably expect.

I guess when it all comes down to it you need to find someone that you're compatible with in this sense. If you're not okay with them seeing an ex, find someone who has that same attitude. If you're the kind of person that remains friends with exes, well...you're gonna have to find someone that shares that same attitude with you, otherwise I guess it isn't going to work out regardless.

That's how I felt with my last girlfriend. We were both friends with exes. And I mean if she considers him one of his best friends, I definitely wouldn't doubt that she would do something extraordinarily nice for him on his birthday(that's what friends do after all), which is why I figured she wouldn't have gotten so bothered by my actions, especially since I was so upfront and honest with her. *shrug*

January 4, 2017

I guess when it all comes down to it you need to find someone that you're compatible with in this sense. If you're not okay with them seeing an ex, find someone who has that same attitude. If you're the kind of person that remains friends with exes, well...you're gonna have to find someone that shares that same attitude with you, otherwise I guess it isn't going to work out regardless.

That's how I felt with my last girlfriend. We were both friends with exes. And I mean if she considers him one of his best friends, I definitely wouldn't doubt that she would do something extraordinarily nice for him on his birthday(that's what friends do after all), which is why I figured she wouldn't have gotten so bothered by my actions, especially since I was so upfront and honest with her. *shrug*

Most people don't actually realize how extraordinarily difficult it is to find someone that's truly compatible ...Nothing is ever perfect, and if you want to hold on to this type of thing as a "deal breaker". well....I hope you are God's gift to women, otherwise its gonna be a tough deal..

Being in a relationship involves some compromise, no matter who you are...Its a give and take to some extent and you learn to pick your battles..

Something like telling someone to pick a different career path, differences on bringing children into this world, or give up exercising when its a vital part of ones life, would be considered legitimate deal breakers...Deciding to take a stand on contact with an ex(es) , when it bothers the one you are currently with and care deeply about, would be a hideously dumb thing to do, IMO...

TFY

January 4, 2017

Most people don't actually realize how extraordinarily difficult it is to find someone that's truly compatible ...Nothing is ever perfect, and if you want to hold on to this type of thing as a "deal breaker". well....I hope you are God's gift to women, otherwise its gonna be a tough deal..

Being in a relationship involves some compromise, no matter who you are...Its a give and take to some extent and you learn to pick your battles..

Something like telling someone to pick a different career path, differences on bringing children into this world, or give up exercising when its a vital part of ones life, would be considered legitimate deal breakers...Deciding to take a stand on contact with an ex(es) , when it bothers the one you are currently with and care deeply about, would be a hideously dumb thing to do, IMO...

TFY

They most definitely shouldn't be hanging out all the time or even often. Maybe once every few months or so? All I'm saying is if I have a girlfriend who goes bat **** crazy for me even talking to an ex (say on Facebook or something like that), that to me is a huge red flag. There's a difference between being a best friend and being a *close* friend. A best friend can be someone that you know you can indulge your secrets to because you know they won't judge you and stuff like that. A close friend is someone that you talk to on the regular and hang out with on the regular, which wouldn't be fair to your current partner. So yeah. I have a lot of best friends. Doesn't mean we talk all the time or even often.

Edited January 4, 2017 by ZayKayWill

January 5, 2017

Not to mention I personally think itd be a stupid idea to end a friendship because they 'weren't okay with it'. You really expect me to end a friendship I've had with someone for 8 plus years simply because you can't respect the fact that we are still good friends? What if we end up breaking up in the future? At that point I will have lost both my SO and my friend...so no I'm not going to give up my friendships just to soothe ones insecurity. Sorry. I'd much rather be single then with someone like that. If you're being honest about your interactions there should be no worries about me cheating because why in God's name would I even be telling you about my interactions with her if I was planning to cheat? Gimme a break. If you're jaded by your exes cheating on you with their exes in the past, then I'm sorry, but you made a poor choice of partners. Some people are legitimately genuine. Sadly that number isn't very high. :/

Edited January 5, 2017 by ZayKayWill

January 7, 2017

Tough call. My current girlfriend's closest friends are ex-lovers. Some right up till we got together. Then there's the BDSM relationship with her former live-in ex that carried on months into our relationship. That's a whole other thing.

Most will tell you that the mature thing is to trust and let it go. Some scenarios can be very hard to deal with.

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Does it bother you if your lover remains friends with their past lovers?

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