What has happened to me?

[notmyselfnow]

So, I found out 2 months ago from an intercepted text message that DH was cheating on me. It has been HORRIBLE. I have never been so hurt and angry in my life. DH is trying to make things better, but I don't know if they ever will be again.

 

But that's not why I'm writing here. I mean, that's bad, and I'm in counseling, and it sucks and it's horrible but that's not why I'm posting here.

 

I feel like I've gone utterly insane and I don't know who I am anymore.

 

I stalk the OW on social media. I loathe her.Truly hate her. She's utterly pathetic, in all honesty, probably about 40 pounds heavier than me, not attractive at all, terrible job, in her early 40s and single, does nothing but goes out drinking. She posts incessantly on social media about going out drinking - it appears to be all she does. I know I shouldn't look at it but I can't help myself.

 

I posted her information on a cheater registry website - and she posted her anger about it on social media. Her photo and information about the affair is the first thing that comes up when you google her name. She was really really upset. And - I didn't feel bad. I didn't feel shame. I felt this really evil joy at her distress. I was so happy she was upset.

 

And, yes, I know DH deserves just as much rage if not more. But we have a baby together. I can't just hate him - we have to co-parent, together or not. I have to temper my feelings for the good of the baby.

 

It's just - I always thought I was a pretty good person, tried to treat people decently, and here I am gloating about someone being upset at public shaming. Who am I? What has happened? Am I just always going to be like this now?

[Midwestmissy]

Oh dear, this is such a hard thing, and you're in the most painful part. None of this had to do with you, and your wh needs to do a ton of therapy to find out exactly why he gave himself permission to do this.

 

As for the revenge, so what. Not your proudest moment, still not as bad as what they did. Deep breath - and realize that retaliating doesn't ever feel satisfying for long. You will obsess over her for a while and it will fade. Doesn't sound like a love affair, sounds like she could have been anyone who flattered him and made him feel special and manly. Big deal. He didn't see her, he saw her mirroring back anything she told him. Like a hooker he didn't have to pay. And it says a lot about how effed up he is. Like attracted like - he was acting like a scum, trust me he attracted scum. I have been there, I know how much pain you are in.

 

Be the mom your baby needs. Don't put any pressure on yourself to decide anything. Eat and drink well. How long was the affair? Did they work together? You can pm me if you want. The most important things are that your baby needs you and you will get through this. Promise.

[heartwhole]

I'm a BW too, and I've stalked the OW's social media, but I haven't done anything retaliatory to her.

 

It's just - I always thought I was a pretty good person, tried to treat people decently, and here I am gloating about someone being upset at public shaming. Who am I? What has happened? Am I just always going to be like this now?

 

By your own description the OW lives a pretty sad and pathetic existence. I understand feeling a primal need to push back and mark your territory, but it's not something you need to act on. You can choose to take the high road. "When they go low, we go high." It sounds like her life was pretty sad without your "interference."

 

Personally I would delete the public shaming if possible. I don't think that two wrongs make a right.

[notmyselfnow]

The affair was about a year. The OW sent me a bunch of texts telling me lurid details and that she and DH were so well suited to each other and that he hated me and hated his marriage and so on. She also made a point of telling me they had sex for the first time on my birthday.

 

DH dumped her immediately as soon as I found out and from what I can tell realized how badly he messed up and is really trying to fix things. But the damage was still done on my end, and it didn't help to have her sending me texts about how much she loved him. She's been blocked now, by the way, from both of us, but she still did things like borrow her friend's phone to send DH more messages about how if I was monitoring his phone he could send her messages there (he showed me these immediately).

 

So, I WANT to hurt her. I know she's pathetic - she really and truly is. I know at some level I need to believe that, but I do think it's a pretty objective truth. She thought it was some great love affair, and for DH it was a piece on the side. I suppose it would hurt more if DH had fallen in love too, or if she had been someone at all admirable, but who knows? It's all horrible.

 

I don't think I can delete the cheater posting, and honestly, I don't want to and don't know that I would if I could. I don't want to take the high road. I want her hurting as bad as I am. Worse. Sick as it is, knowing she's really upset about being publicly shamed is the only thing that's made me feel any better in the last few months.

 

Thanks Midwestmissy for your kindness and Heartwhole for your advice.

[dichotomy]

2 months - or even a year or more the hurt and feelings can be intense. You are only human. When we are hurt we act in ways not normal. forgive yourself okay?

 

I keep tabs everyone involved - even many years later. I never did anything specifically to OM or related people - but I had some very unpleasant day dreams of what I would like to do to them. One involved hiring Russian mobsters, who would take him to a dark dank room, hang him up on a hook, and I would phone in on a speaker phone (for an alibi of course) and then ...

[lolablue17]

She's utterly pathetic, in all honesty, probably about 40 pounds heavier than me, not attractive at all, terrible job, in her early 40s and single, does nothing but goes out drinking. She posts incessantly on social media about going out drinking - it appears to be all she does.

 

So your H hasn't sleeping with her because she's so attractive or other advantages over you. It means your husband would have done it anyway with anybody. She's just happened to cross him. He wanted to cheat, and she was just there.

 

You're obsessed with her only because you insist lying to yourself. Deep inside you know that if you blame only your H, it's gonna be harder because you'll really have to do something about it. To take some actions.

 

But it's much more convenient to ignore the problem and to just hate a stranger, instead of doing something. At least you would have enjoyed it, but you're not. You hurt yourself twice. one is the obsession which hurt you, and the the second is that the real problem is not being solved.

[notmyselfnow]

So your H hasn't sleeping with her because she's so attractive or other advantages over you. It means your husband would have done it anyway with anybody. She's just happened to cross him. He wanted to cheat, and she was just there.

 

You're obsessed with her only because you insist lying to yourself. Deep inside you know that if you blame only your H, it's gonna be harder because you'll really have to do something about it. To take some actions.

 

But it's much more convenient to ignore the problem and to just hate a stranger, instead of doing something. At least you would have enjoyed it, but you're not. You hurt yourself twice. one is the obsession which hurt you, and the the second is that the real problem is not being solved.

 

Not sure what your point is exactly. Yeah, I'm well aware he wanted to cheat and she was there. From what I can tell - both from her, him and from the phone records, she went all out after him, and the bastard responded. So yeah, she was there and made it clear she was eager. And yeah, he went for it.

 

I'm not ignoring the problem, and I think my thoughts on it aren't deep down, they're pretty much on the surface and rearing their ugly hears. As I pointed out, OF COURSE it's easier to hate the OW than the DH I still have to raise a child with. I can't just hate him, I have to coparent with him. I do hate her. Full stop.

 

We're in counseling, I'm in counseling, he's in counseling, it's all a big happy package of counseling, and I'm doing what I can. On the advice of the counselor, my friends, and what I read, I'm not making any long term decisions about our marriage right now. How is that ignoring the problem?

 

Last, I DID ENJOY IT. I liked hearing how upset she was. That made me happy. That was my point of the whole post. That's why I don't know who I am, because the person I was would not enjoy hurting a stranger, yet I did.

[Midwestmissy]

The best way to punish her from here on in is to carry on like she doesn't exist. She was nothing, treat her as such. You'll look back in a year and be very happy you didn't go further. You have a baby, but I had savvy kids who were aware of what happened. Since their dad had already blown it as an adult, they deserved to have one proper adult taking care of them - and they watched me closely. I screwed up when my emotions took over, but I never involved the ow, or contacted her. I just let her bh know the info I had. He was a scum - he'd been the om in the ow first marriage to his brother. I mean he was sleeping with his brother's wife, a real peach, right? I needed to distNce myself from that hillbilly circus and I did and I'm glad.

 

Give yourself 30 min a day to cyber stalk then stop. It'll diminish. I still check up on her - mostly because she's on Twitter and doesn't understand how to use it so it's pretty funny. She's big on woman power and supporting the sisterhood. And misspelling and bad grammar. Seriously. She's just dumb - not a cliche ow at all. Not young, not pretty, not smart, not a firecracker - more like a dirty napkin that's been in a lot of laps.

 

You need to tell your wh to figure out his crap. If he does, you'll learn just how insignificant she was and is. I promise. And if he does, he can fix the marriage if you are on board. She didn't make this happen - she could have been anyone. I asked my wh what in the Sam Hill he found attractive about the mouth breathing ow and he said "she'd have sex with me". I was also having sex with him, so all issues point back to him. Find out what his issues are.

[notmyselfnow]

T

 

Give yourself 30 min a day to cyber stalk then stop. It'll diminish. I still check up on her - mostly because she's on Twitter and doesn't understand how to use it so it's pretty funny. She's big on woman power and supporting the sisterhood. And misspelling and bad grammar. Seriously. She's just dumb - not a cliche ow at all. Not young, not pretty, not smart, not a firecracker - more like a dirty napkin that's been in a lot of laps.

 

You need to tell your wh to figure out his crap. If he does, you'll learn just how insignificant she was and is. I promise. And if he does, he can fix the marriage if you are on board. She didn't make this happen - she could have been anyone. I asked my wh what in the Sam Hill he found attractive about the mouth breathing ow and he said "she'd have sex with me". I was also having sex with him, so all issues point back to him. Find out what his issues are.

 

 

Thanks. I think a time limit is a good idea. I haven't been able to stop looking - it's like a train wreck I can't look away from. But I think giving myself some leeway to do that while setting limits so I don't obsess too much is a good idea.

 

And, he's supposed to be working on figuring out the crap. We had grown a bit distant - but an infant and sleep deprivation and a hard pregnancy will do that to you, or at least that's what I thought. Never in a million years would I have expected him to cheat.

 

I asked him why he did this and why he chose her, and he told me it was because he was selfish, she hung on his every word and made him feel important and brilliant, and most of all, because it was completely obvious she would say yes.

 

I'm not sure if I'm on board yet. If I could just turn off my love for DH I would, but I can't. I'm just so terribly hurt though.

[Midwestmissy]

Wow. My wh said the exact same things about his ow. He said she agreed with everything he said. She believed everything he said. It was ridiculously easy.

 

However, it's hardly a reason to cheat. But it does prove that the connection was based on deceit and the blowing of sunshine up his behind. Wh said it was like a slot machine - he inserted something (ew, I know) and out came all the compliments. Not sustainable. And he knew it was all bull, but it allowed him to stick his fingers in his ears and avoid the icky problems of being a privileged white man in North America. Poor little sausage. He's mortified now. The crap he was avoiding was still there when his world blew up. So was the truth. He should have started with that.

[wmacbride]

The affair was about a year. The OW sent me a bunch of texts telling me lurid details and that she and DH were so well suited to each other and that he hated me and hated his marriage and so on. She also made a point of telling me they had sex for the first time on my birthday.

 

DH dumped her immediately as soon as I found out and from what I can tell realized how badly he messed up and is really trying to fix things. But the damage was still done on my end, and it didn't help to have her sending me texts about how much she loved him. She's been blocked now, by the way, from both of us, but she still did things like borrow her friend's phone to send DH more messages about how if I was monitoring his phone he could send her messages there (he showed me these immediately).

 

So, I WANT to hurt her. I know she's pathetic - she really and truly is. I know at some level I need to believe that, but I do think it's a pretty objective truth. She thought it was some great love affair, and for DH it was a piece on the side. I suppose it would hurt more if DH had fallen in love too, or if she had been someone at all admirable, but who knows? It's all horrible.

 

I don't think I can delete the cheater posting, and honestly, I don't want to and don't know that I would if I could. I don't want to take the high road. I want her hurting as bad as I am. Worse. Sick as it is, knowing she's really upset about being publicly shamed is the only thing that's made me feel any better in the last few months.

 

Thanks Midwestmissy for your kindness and Heartwhole for your advice.

 

I know it's not a popular point of view on here, but it's okay to be angry. Give yourself permission to do so.

I say this because the more you try to deny your anger, the more it builds. Allow yourself to feel it and face t head on. Once you do, you can begin to work through it. Keeping it inside and bottled up can make it worse.

One caveat would be to not engage in anything illegal or anything that you will regret later.

 

If you want to physically attack her, channel that into beating up on a pillow, or, better yet, sign up for an exercise class like kick boxing

 

If you want to attack her online, write on your thoughts and feelings on paper ( not on your computer or phone) and tell yourself you will post it up in a set amount of time. When that time is up, reconsider if you still want to do it, and then manually retype your words. this can further help you to address your hurt and anger.

 

If you feel you want to tell her off verbally, then do so. Set up two chairs and visualize her in one of them. Sit down in the other and let 'er rip. let it all out. Kick the chair over if it helps. Rage all you like ( but do so when the kids are not around to see or hear it)

 

As time goes by, she will become less and less important in your mind, but that takes time. The problem for you has been that all contact from her hits the "reset" button, which is understandable. Just keep in mind that, while you are not perfect, you have never sunk to her level.

 

A final word of advice. If she refuses to stop contacting you, it is harassment. You do NOT have to put up with it.

[BuddyX]

In my book, a womans pregnancy and the phase after (18 months total) should lead to pampering by husband and family. You are not only a wife but now a mom. If your husband cheated on you during that time, then he has no regard for your safety.

 

Infidelity isn't about appearance it's about availability. That being said, just because he jumped on her indicates he's a weak chump. Your husband lacks accountability and responsibility.

[ladydesigner]

(((notmyselfnow))) Just wanted to say sorry that you find yourself here.

 

I too outed the MOW on a cheater website. I never once regretted my decision to do that. Honestly when you play with fire you get burned.

 

Oh and on the whole slander thing, she couldn't get me on slander because I had too much proof. Alls well that ends well

[wmacbride]

So your H hasn't sleeping with her because she's so attractive or other advantages over you. It means your husband would have done it anyway with anybody. She's just happened to cross him. He wanted to cheat, and she was just there.

 

You're obsessed with her only because you insist lying to yourself. Deep inside you know that if you blame only your H, it's gonna be harder because you'll really have to do something about it. To take some actions.

 

But it's much more convenient to ignore the problem and to just hate a stranger, instead of doing something. At least you would have enjoyed it, but you're not. You hurt yourself twice. one is the obsession which hurt you, and the the second is that the real problem is not being solved.

I'm sorry, but this line of reasoning really ticks me off.

 

It's okay to be angry at the ow/om. Yes, her ws was the main cause of her pain, but he didn't do it alone. She helped.

 

I think of it like this. If one person asks another to hold someone down while they beat them up, are not both to blame, perhaps not in equal measure, but still?

 

telling someone to ignore their anger just allows it to fester and build. if they face it and let it out n a healthy way, they can begin to address it.

Edited September 20, 2016 by wmacbride

[Mr. Lucky]

I think of it like this. If one person asks another to hold someone down while they beat them up, are not both to blame, perhaps not in equal measure, but still?

 

So the person who held down is publicly shamed so the BS can throw stones at her. And the actual assailant stands beside her, handing her the rocks? Doesn't make sense to me.

 

In reconciliation, you don't raise the level of your marriage by lowering someone else's life. Guess I'm all for posting on the cheater's website assuming the the OP's WS info and picture is right there also...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ChickiePops]

So the person who held down is publicly shamed so the BS can throw stones at her. And the actual assailant stands beside her, handing her the rocks? Doesn't make sense to me.

 

In reconciliation, you don't raise the level of your marriage by lowering someone else's life. Guess I'm all for posting on the cheater's website assuming the the OP's WS info and picture is right there also...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The OP doesn't have love or a years long relationship or a family with the OW. It's not fair, no, but anger at the OW is less complicated than the feelings towards her husband, which are stronger and crazier and will take years to overcome. Plus in this case the OW is tormenting her beyond just sleeping with her husband.

 

But to those who say the OW or OM are innocent and don't deserve any anger at all..that's just insane.

[heartwhole]

It's just - I always thought I was a pretty good person, tried to treat people decently, and here I am gloating about someone being upset at public shaming. Who am I? What has happened? Am I just always going to be like this now?

 

You came here asking this question. Now you seem to be doubling down on defending the public shaming. So I guess you are OK with being this person? All issues resolved? All you needed was for someone else out there to say, "That's OK, me too!"?

 

Or perhaps that is a defense mechanism, and you need to delve a little deeper.

[Sub]

I do think you need to begin to focus on your H and M, not the OW. That said: Usually I'd say to just leave her alone, but since she came after you with the texts, I'm not going to begrudge you your anger. Payback's a b**ch, and some actions deserve a response. Get it out of your system and move on asap.

[aileD]

Oh sweetie . I understand.

 

I did the same thing. I focused on her.

 

I told her parents

I told her sister

I told her 16 year old brother (in my defense I was told he already knew...he didn't...no excuse there- he's a kid)

I broke the mirrors in her car and dented it

I purposefully made scenes outside her apartment to embarrass her

I showed up places she was and was rude

I made fake accounts and stalked her

I pushed her around on her own apartment

I contacted the other MM she had an affair with and his wife

I put her on shes a homewrecker . Com

 

 

So....I hear you. I turned into someone else as well. I turned into a completely different person than I was. It's not who I am. I don't know what happened. I was suicidal, attempted a few times, I slapped my H and gave him a concussion, threw something at him that split his lip, omg I was SO not myself . If you know me, I'm a soccer mom...I'm the sweet person who everyone sees as Innocent.

 

I think it's a defense mechanism for us. It's focusing on the intruder instead of seeing the cracks in the security of our relationship. It's easier to hate someone you don't know, you don't have to live with

 

Have you been to counseling? I suggest going. For yourself. I don't have any advice to give because I'm still laughing at the fact that H's AP used brad and Angelina as proof that A could turn into forever love....

 

I'm a crappy person maybe. I did feel bad for her because she Is a basically a child (21)...so I feel bad she screwed up her life for this, but I also can't deny I don't feel bad for her pain.

 

I didn't help much did I?

[Friskyone4u]

Ill just give you the same advice as I would give a man whose wife cheated.

The OW piece of crap did not marry you, did not make vows to you, did not lie to you, did not deceive you. While your anger is justified and her harassment should be dealt with, your husband is your problem.

 

Many times BS often direct all this hatred and anger and the AP, thinking their spouse was seduced by a mighty predator. That is making excuses.

 

Your husband did what he did. Make sure his promises to never do it again are kept, devote your energy to healing yourself, and try ot ignore this pig and stay off her social media. It's is only hurting you and you have better things to do than pain shop.

 

Hang in there

[Mr. Lucky]

The OP doesn't have love or a years long relationship or a family with the OW.

 

Just don't think demonizing the AP while you sleep next to your WS is a healthy or productive step because it avoids the bigger question - which one of those people promised a commitment to you?

 

I understand everyone handles this differently...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arieswoman]

notmyselfnow,

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

I've been where you are and it's a $h!££y place to be.

 

However, I think you're aiming at the wrong target.

 

This from the Infidelity Help Group might be useful;

 

"She Stole My Husband" ~ Infidelity Help Group

[lolablue17]

Not sure what your point is exactly. Yeah, I'm well aware he wanted to cheat and she was there.

 

I so much understand you, because i've been through the same thing. A small resentment still exists (to the other man) even i'm not with her for a long long time. In this post I was just shooting in the air, trying to distract you mind from hating her.

[lemondrop21]

It's simply not worth it to expend this amount of energy on hating her when you already have enough on your plate to deal with. It sucks to feel emotionally out of control, but this WILL pass if this behavior isn't your norm.

 

As an xOW, if BW posted my details online or did some of the things listed above by another poster like breaking my car windows or stalking me (!!!) I couldn't help but think "wow, no wonder he cheated, his wife is a raging psycho." It would, rightly or wrongly, assuage my guilt some. And I doubt that's the effect you're going for. She scored "psycho points" when she texted you, but unfortunately you also scored "psycho points" when you posted online about her. Try not to score any more points from here on out... This is a game that will only feel satisfying to win in the short term. It sounds like you know that rationally and are waiting for your emotions to catch up. Give it time, and they will.

 

Good for you for getting counseling, and your counselor can help you talk through some of your revenge fantasies, which may help you let go of them.

 

If she is as pathetic as you say, then just leave her to it rather than sinking to her level.

Edited September 21, 2016 by lemondrop21

[Cloudcuckoo]

Notmyselfnow, I too believe that you should allow yourself to be cross with the other woman. its part of the process, and you should feel it, along with everything else you must go through to regain some semblance of sanity.

 

BOTH parties are responsible for pulling the wool over your eyes, so why wouldn't you be cross with her too? Don't be persuaded that your feelings are not justified, they are perfectly normal under the circumstances, you're entitled to them.

 

Just be careful not to let it overwhelm you and take precedence over your husband's disgusting behaviour, lack of boundaries and disrespect for you and his marriage.

 

Honestly, you will soon understand that she is nothing to you, could have been any port in a storm, and your attention will turn toward the vile way your husband has treated you. THAT'S when you are probably going to feel nauseous just seeing his face!

 

Seriously though, you deal with it ( and her) the way you feel you can. If that means you stay angry with her for a bit before your attention turns to the man who has turned into a gargoyle that you live with, then so be it.

 

As some have mentioned, just vent it in a safe way so that you don't harm yourself any further by allowing any disruptive comeback.

 

I can tell you from my own perspective that the other woman my husband entertained for a long time was hell bent on having my life as his wife, and that included my children. Very dangerous to poke a Mummy bear.....

 

ummm, I don't think so...over my dead body was she getting anywhere near my children. Grown or not. (Youngest was 14).

 

I can't go into great lengths about the woman's insanity it would take all day, but suffice to say she had a little 'holiday' at Her Majesty's leisure!

 

Its also a kind of safety device to divert that attention while you actually get to grips with the reality of understanding just how low your husband had sunk. Sometimes the conscious simply cannot cope and refuses to acknowledge that the person we married could really betray you in the most awful way.

 

You'll take your own way, time and path to restoring your sanity, and that's your right. To do it your way. Take what you need here and leave what doesn't suit you sweetie, there are some remarkable people here to help you on your journey.

 

Chin up.

 

Cuckoo