mike2388 Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 My LDR boyfriend that I've been seeing since September originally had plans to move out here this August. The time has been approaching and I have been looking forward to it so much. He just told me today though that he's not moving anymore as he is going to stay in his current location and is going to possibly attend grad school out there. I am not going to lie, I am absolutely bummed that he is no longer coming out here to live. He apologized as he knew it would effect me. I told him I was happy for him. I do want to support his decisions. But I don't know now that there is an end period to this distance. And I don't know how much longer I can hold my sanity with the distance. I'm so emotionally invested and have strong feelings for him. Not sure whether I end it or stick with it. I've never loved someone this way. If I do end it do I remain in contact or just cut all ties? Rough time right now for me. I'm currently with him this weekend on a vacation so I'm trying to put the news on the back burner so that I can enjoy the present.
justwhoiam Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Well, food for thought: 1. He either knew the move was not happening since the beginning or he's been hiding his change of heart for a while 2. A change of heart regarding moving to you can be as well a change of heart regarding you, being with you, future with you... you name it 3. He didn't check out other viable solutions (such as "I am postponing the move until ...", "Can you move instead?"...) 4. It wouldn't be a surprise if now trust is an issue You're allowed to question his real intentions and feelings for you. If you're OK with something casual with him until you find something better locally, you should be fine. 3
basil67 Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 So now the question: Are you not important enough to him for him to move? And likewise, is he not important enough for you to move to him? If there's an issue of one of you not liking the city the other is in, then perhaps you're looking at compatibility issues?
JuiceBox Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 First...I totally get the being bummed thing. You thought you'd be able to close the distance. But in the end if your SO doesn't do what they want, or think is best...they might resent you for it. If you both are strong enough and trust is like a rock, don't worry.
d0nnivain Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 How much distance is involved? How often do you get to see each other now? How long will grad school be? I get being disappointed. But if grad school is 18 months, do you think it's strong enough to survive?
Author mike2388 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 Thanks for the replies! We had a chat and have decided that this unfortunately was the end. Nothing like breaking up while cuddling on the couch. And crying in each others' arms. He made a decision that he thought was best for him at this point in his life. I support that decision but it does hurt. The LDR has been draining after just 9 months. Another 3 years wasn't looking too fun. I love him. He loves me. I guess the timing was off or I guess it wasn't meant to be. I made the decision to block him from every social media site I have. Time for us to move on and live in this rational world where sometimes irrational love cannot always survive. Feeling super bummed but I know it will surpass.
Author mike2388 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 While on a vacation with my then LDR boyfriend, he let me know that his plans to move near me have changed. We decided to break up which was super hard because we did so with no issues besides distance. The last thing he said to me was that he loved me with a kiss. Then he got out of my car to head to his plane. He lives 2500 miles away. We've been doing long distance for 9 months. I was holding out for him moving here in August. It all made sense. He just graduated college, he is from here, he has family and friends here, and I of course live here. But due to his new plan to go to grad school in fall 2017 in his current location he has changed his ideas of moving. Also it would have taken a lot to relocate as he lives on an island: he would have had to sell everything or get rid of it, find someone to take over his room at his house, figure out where to live here, figure out a job to get here, etc. I obviously understand how much work it would be to relocate but at the same time I kind of feel like he picked a bartending job and the comfort of his island life over me. He could have very well also gone to so many great schools here in LA. This break up has been rough. Seems harder the second week. I've blocked him from all social media and have had no contact. I guess our love was irrational in a rational world. But a part of me wishes he would have just gone through with the move.
Els Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Why is the expectation solely on him to move, rather than a discussion about the possibility of each of you moving? 1
Author mike2388 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 Why is the expectation solely on him to move, rather than a discussion about the possibility of each of you moving? I've thought about moving briefly to him. But it just seemed that he had the best opportunity to granted he just graduated college. I graduated college 6 years ago and am currently in the middle of my career with a possibility of coming into co-ownership of the business. My family and friends are here. The thing is, I have nothing there except for him. He has friends here, family here, and he spent most of his life here. Also he is starting a new chapter as he is just graduating college and has a job not a career yet. Believe me, I have thought about taking that jump. Although I know he has told me he never wants to uproot me from the life I've already created. I do understand what you are saying though
Els Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 He has friends here, family here, and he spent most of his life here. You are viewing this as a 'benefit' of him moving there, but perhaps he does not see it that way? Not everyone loves the place they grew up in. I, for one, have no intention of ever living in the place I grew up in. I left as soon as I could. That being said, I do think you are right to not move either, if it will severely disrupt your career and you don't want to live on the island where he is. In that case, it seems like it's just an unresolvable incompatibility, so best to go your separate ways. 1
Author mike2388 Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 My LDR BF and I mutually ended things a little over a month ago as his original plans to move near me fell through. And there is uncertainty on his end whether he will ever re-transplant nearby again, (here being is hometown). Well after a little over a month of no contact, he called me recently. We had a nice two hour conversation as if nothing had happened. Then he texted me a day after calling me and we carried on small conversation via text. I am not sure what to do. A part of me feels that maybe we can just make this a casual thing despite my feelings for him but another part of me feels that it may be best to go back to no contact and just move on with my life. Love is not a common feeling I get toward someone so I know this person is really special but at the same time, if there is not clarity in whether distance will be closed in a decently timed manner, I don't know if it's worth lingering onto something impractical. Any advice would be welcomed.
TMichaels Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 My LDR BF and I mutually ended things a little over a month ago as his original plans to move near me fell through. And there is uncertainty on his end whether he will ever re-transplant nearby again, (here being is hometown). Well after a little over a month of no contact, he called me recently. We had a nice two hour conversation as if nothing had happened. Then he texted me a day after calling me and we carried on small conversation via text. I am not sure what to do. A part of me feels that maybe we can just make this a casual thing despite my feelings for him but another part of me feels that it may be best to go back to no contact and just move on with my life. Love is not a common feeling I get toward someone so I know this person is really special but at the same time, if there is not clarity in whether distance will be closed in a decently timed manner, I don't know if it's worth lingering onto something impractical. Any advice would be welcomed. If I were you, I'd chalk your most recent pleasant conversations as just that (pleasant convos), reinstate No Contact, and go on your merry way. Some people have the bad habit of "picking up just where they left off" and conveniently forgetting all about (or ignoring) what caused the problem or break in the first place. The fact that they are "warmly received" when they come back to sniff around to see if there's any potential to carry on, in their minds affirms that the relationship *can* go back to exactly the way it was before, which is what your BF wants (without having to address the distance issue). You could try the next time he reaches out to you to say that while it's nice to hear from him again, unless you can permanently close the distance by "X" date, you're just postponing the inevitable -- e.g. breaking up, again. Total waste of time and emotional effort to go through that again, so if he can't make a commitment to move back home (not lip-service, but actually physically moving to your town), then tell him it's not meant to be and you're moving on. Best, TMichaels
Author mike2388 Posted September 20, 2016 Author Posted September 20, 2016 LDR boyfriend and I broke up mutually and on good terms 3.5 months ago as distance seemed to not be going away any time soon. I took time away from him with no contact. Then there was some contact here and there but very occasional. He confided in me that he has been depressed, and has picked up a cocaine habit. I am so conflicted. A part of me wants to be there to kind of just support him and try to guide him in a better direction. Another part of me thinks maybe what we both need is for me to just walk away. None the less, the situation has been eating at me and sending me through emotions of frustration, sadness, worry, etc. Seeing current pictures of him on social media is hard as his weight has dropped quite a bit and his face is so much different than I remember. Just need some opinions and thoughts of how I can possibly handle this situation. 1
Satu Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 There is absolutely nothing you can do to help him. For your own sake, go no contact and get on with your own life. If you try to rescue him, your own life will be turned upside down. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete him from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. 1
Author mike2388 Posted September 20, 2016 Author Posted September 20, 2016 Yes, I totally understand where you guys are coming from. And yes, I am highly considering it. The only thing that is slightly holding me back from looking the other way and running is that I have a feeling pulling away from him would cause him to spiral more as I believe the breakup was partially a trigger for this situation. But then again... he isn't my responsibility. It's hard when you truly care and have known the person as a friend long before they were your lover. 1
Satu Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Yes, I totally understand where you guys are coming from. And yes, I am highly considering it. The only thing that is slightly holding me back from looking the other way and running is that I have a feeling pulling away from him would cause him to spiral more as I believe the breakup was partially a trigger for this situation. But then again... he isn't my responsibility. It's hard when you truly care and have known the person as a friend long before they were your lover. "How Do Co-dependent People Behave? Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviours like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity. They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behaviour. The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships." Source here. 2
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