Asked a guy out and he said yes. He hasn't replied for 4 days.

[BoatsBoatsBoats]

So I've had this crush on a guy at work. I've been gazing at him for weeks with him gazing right back at me and us maintaining eyecontact for 2-4 seconds everyday. We never really spoke to each other during this time though. Last thursday was his final day at the workplace and while standing next to each other by the coffee machine we chatted for a bit. He was really polite and happy and kept the conversation going. We shook hands before saying goodbye and he squeezed my hand really hard.

 

Later that day I sent him a message request on Facebook, telling him that I've been checking him out at work and wondering if he would like to grab a beer someday. For you who are not familiar with message requests, basically when you're not friends with someone on Facebook and don't have any mutual friends with them and you message them, they will recieve a notification for a message request which allows them to read the message without letting the sender see that it has been read. The reciever can then decide to decline the request without the sender knowing about it, or accept the request, which lets the sender know that the message has been read and accepted.

 

Approximately 2 hours after sending the message request, he accepted the request, but he didn't write any response. The following day during lunchtime I received a response from him saying "Hi! Yes I've noticed, haha I'd love to grab a beer someday!"

 

I was so happy and excited but didn't want to reply during work, so I waited until dinnertime and replied with "Great! Would you prefer to do it on a weekday or weekend?". This was last friday. It has been 4 days and he hasn't replied. He hasn't even opened the message and it is not marked as "seen". It has however been delivered.

 

I wan't to believe that he just hasn't been logged on to Facebook, hasn't had the time to check his phone or didn't notice the message, but I feel like that is just wishful thinking. Did he say yes just to be polite? Should I just give up or should I send him another message?

 

I didn't send him a friend request since his profile has all settings set to hidden and I didn't want to invade his privacy. Because of this I can't see when he last was online.

 

I just feel like if he was going to ignore me, why didn't he just do it from the beginning and decline my message request? I would have preferred if he had just rejected me from the start rather than getting me all excited for nothing

[Redhead14]

So I've had this crush on a guy at work. I've been gazing at him for weeks with him gazing right back at me and us maintaining eyecontact for 2-4 seconds everyday. We never really spoke to each other during this time though. Last thursday was his final day at the workplace and while standing next to each other by the coffee machine we chatted for a bit. He was really polite and happy and kept the conversation going. We shook hands before saying goodbye and he squeezed my hand really hard.

 

Later that day I sent him a message request on Facebook, telling him that I've been checking him out at work and wondering if he would like to grab a beer someday. For you who are not familiar with message requests, basically when you're not friends with someone on Facebook and don't have any mutual friends with them and you message them, they will recieve a notification for a message request which allows them to read the message without letting the sender see that it has been read. The reciever can then decide to decline the request without the sender knowing about it, or accept the request, which lets the sender know that the message has been read and accepted.

 

Approximately 2 hours after sending the message request, he accepted the request, but he didn't write any response. The following day during lunchtime I received a response from him saying "Hi! Yes I've noticed, haha I'd love to grab a beer someday!"

 

I was so happy and excited but didn't want to reply during work, so I waited until dinnertime and replied with "Great! Would you prefer to do it on a weekday or weekend?". This was last friday. It has been 4 days and he hasn't replied. He hasn't even opened the message and it is not marked as "seen". It has however been delivered.

 

I wan't to believe that he just hasn't been logged on to Facebook, hasn't had the time to check his phone or didn't notice the message, but I feel like that is just wishful thinking. Did he say yes just to be polite? Should I just give up or should I send him another message?

 

I didn't send him a friend request since his profile has all settings set to hidden and I didn't want to invade his privacy. Because of this I can't see when he last was online.

 

I just feel like if he was going to ignore me, why didn't he just do it from the beginning and decline my message request? I would have preferred if he had just rejected me from the start rather than getting me all excited for nothing

 

When you ask someone for a date, you ask with specificity. He says, sure, I'd like to get a beer someday. You say, Great, how about Xday, at XPlace and Xtime. If that doesn't work for him, he should offer an alternate.

 

The ball is kinda still in your court as far as I'm concerned. You're doing a lot of assuming. He hasn't even opened the message and it is not marked as "seen". All you really know is that he hasn't seen it. I don't look at FB very often on my computer or phone. If I look at it every couple of days, it's alot. It's more like once a week. And, my notifications on turned off for the phone because it gets annoying to get pinged every second of the day because people are obsessed with FBing.

 

You have nothing to lose by pinging him again with specifics and then drop it if he doesn't respond. You picked up the ball, keep rolling it until you know for sure. It's OK to reach out one more time. Just don't do it 10 times in a row

[smackie9]

Give him your number........

[ThisisIt606]

When you're not friends with someone of Fb those messages usually get delivered to a weird section which a lot of people don't even know exists. I know he opened it once but maybe he forgot to check that area again and didn't set a notification ( hence you can see he hasn't opened it)

 

Do you have another means of contact? Perhaps a something that's more direct and reliable

[ASG]

When you're not friends with someone of Fb those messages usually get delivered to a weird section which a lot of people don't even know exists. I know he opened it once but maybe he forgot to check that area again and didn't set a notification ( hence you can see he hasn't opened it)

 

Do you have another means of contact? Perhaps a something that's more direct and reliable

 

No, once you accept and reply, those messages go into your inbox. There is, however, the chance that he doesn't have messenger on his phone and hasn't checked FB on a computer. FB has made it really difficult to see messages now if you don't have messenger installed on your phone.

 

The other chance is tha he's seen the message and chose to ignore it, not even opening it. I've done it before, until the notification drives me insane.

 

Wait a couple more days and see if he reads the message.

[eightytwenty]

Since he replied, then didn't answer... why not ask him face to face? if he doesn't plan out something with you he isn't serious and let it go.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Meh, this guy seems like he's being polite with you and if a date happens, it happens otherwise he's got better things to do. That's how I'm reading things.

 

If you really want to speed this up, send him one more message with your phone number or ask him for his and get cracking with setting down a specific date.

[kendahke]

next time you message him, do so with concrete plans for getting that beer and let him know when to get back to you.

 

Otherwise, your nebulous messages are being considered the way all nebulous things are considered.

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry to tell you this, truly I am, because I was shot down two years ago by a coworker I had a thing for. I sent a text asking "Want to hang out?" He texted back "I am not interested in you romantically." I texted back "Well love makes you fat, doesn't it?" No contact since.

 

I don't recommend getting involved with coworkers on any level, it's difficult as I have learned to have a coworker as a friend even. Some of this comes from the days before the internet was so off the hook as it is now, but with coworkers in general be nice, but not too nice. Don't share a lot about yourself with them. And whatever you do, DON'T friend them on Facebook or other social networking systems - I learned that with the last job where I posted a few things that I was called on the carpet for. Fortunately, in that situation, I disarmed it, blocked the people in question (which was/is all of them), and the job was a subbing job so eventually it just faded away. If some ask to friend you on Facebook, just tell them "I don't do social networking" or "I do not friend coworkers on Facebook". If they ask why, tell them "I just don't, thank you." You may friend former coworkers, but not those you currently work with.

 

As for dating coworkers? I really would not do that. In this situation you describe, it sounds like he's not that interested to begin with. I think you should move on. Be friendly but not too friendly towards him, you have no choice as you will see each other everyday.

[ASG]

Since he replied, then didn't answer... why not ask him face to face? if he doesn't plan out something with you he isn't serious and let it go.

 

He's not a coworker anymore. He's left. And after he left she asked him out. I'd wager FB is her only form of communication.

 

He hasn't just not replied. He message shows as unseen. Which means he hasn't opened it full stop. He might have seen it and ignored it, but there is the actual possibility that he hasn't seen it at all!

[ASG]

I'm sorry to tell you this, truly I am, because I was shot down two years ago by a coworker I had a thing for. I sent a text asking "Want to hang out?" He texted back "I am not interested in you romantically." I texted back "Well love makes you fat, doesn't it?" No contact since.

 

I don't recommend getting involved with coworkers on any level, it's difficult as I have learned to have a coworker as a friend even. Some of this comes from the days before the internet was so off the hook as it is now, but with coworkers in general be nice, but not too nice. Don't share a lot about yourself with them. And whatever you do, DON'T friend them on Facebook or other social networking systems - I learned that with the last job where I posted a few things that I was called on the carpet for. Fortunately, in that situation, I disarmed it, blocked the people in question (which was/is all of them), and the job was a subbing job so eventually it just faded away. If some ask to friend you on Facebook, just tell them "I don't do social networking" or "I do not friend coworkers on Facebook". If they ask why, tell them "I just don't, thank you." You may friend former coworkers, but not those you currently work with.

 

As for dating coworkers? I really would not do that. In this situation you describe, it sounds like he's not that interested to begin with. I think you should move on. Be friendly but not too friendly towards him, you have no choice as you will see each other everyday.

 

 

Horses for courses. I have very good friends who are co workers. I've always befriended cowrokers and have also always dated coworkers. Never had a problem and half my FB is people I've worked with.

 

But anyway, he's not her coworker anymore. He left a week ago!

[Eternal Sunshine]

My only FB rule is not to be friends with any of my bosses, students or people that report directly to me. Otherwise meh.

 

As for this guy, his interest is low either way you look at it. If he was half as excited as you, there is no chance in hell he wouldn't check his FB messages given that you already contacted him via that medium.

 

You could be more forward and try to warm up a low interest guy but personally I wouldn't bother.

[Sara1989]

I done this so many times, when I cant be bothered to reply to someone. I can see they left a message and I can read the first sentence but I dont open it so I dont have to reply.

[JewelD]

even if the message hasn't been seen, he is aware that you want to go out. He is probably also aware that this is your only means of communication. Facebook isn't that complicated, if you haven't heard from someone you really want to go out with, you are going to search your messages and eventually figure out a way to get in touch with them.

 

He might go out with you eventually but it's not high on his list of priorities.

[BoatsBoatsBoats]

He's not a coworker anymore. He's left. And after he left she asked him out. I'd wager FB is her only form of communication.

 

^This is correct.

 

If he was half as excited as you, there is no chance in hell he wouldn't check his FB messages given that you already contacted him via that medium.

 

if you haven't heard from someone you really want to go out with, you are going to search your messages and eventually figure out a way to get in touch with them.

 

This is exactly what I'm thinking as well. I would never expect me to be a priority of his since I'm basically a stranger but I feel like he at least should be a little curious and check his inbox. He is not attractive in a conventional way and is the silent introverted type so I highly doubt he gets asked out by random girls so often that this wasn't memorable to him. He has probably been thinking about it for the past days but decided not to pursue it.

 

I done this so many times, when I cant be bothered to reply to someone. I can see they left a message and I can read the first sentence but I dont open it so I dont have to reply.

 

Yup. I do this too and now I feel kind of bad about it haha. The message was also short so he didn't even need to open it in order to read it, so this seems like the most possible case.

 

Anyhow. I sent him another message today. Nothing long. Just "Guess you changed your mind haha. Don't be afraid to hit me up if you change it again ;)". So now I'm just going to accept defeat and assume I won't hear from him again. I'm obviously dissapointed but I'm really glad that I put myself out there and took a risk! I have no regrets

 

Thank you guys so much for your support. Really appreciate it

[gaius]

A good general rule to follow is that if a guy is really interested he'll make some sort of move on you. If he isn't moving then he isn't interested.

 

It doesn't matter if he's thin, fat, handsome, ugly, been with hundreds of women, a virgin, don't ask him out. Let him do the asking.

[Zahara]

I sent him another message today. Nothing long. Just "Guess you changed your mind haha. Don't be afraid to hit me up if you change it again ;)".

 

Personally, I think after this last message along with your first whereby you mention you have been checking him out comes off too eager.

 

If a guy is interested in you, trust if he knows FB is the only way you both can communicate, he'll be checking his FB because he wants to keep it going.

 

Don't reach out anymore.

[BoatsBoatsBoats]

A good general rule to follow is that if a guy is really interested he'll make some sort of move on you. If he isn't moving then he isn't interested.

 

It doesn't matter if he's thin, fat, handsome, ugly, been with hundreds of women, a virgin, don't ask him out. Let him do the asking.

 

I'm sorry but I so don't agree with this at all lol. I got my ex boyfriend (who I was with for 2 and a half years) by making the move on him. When we were in a relationship we talked about his passiveness and he said he never made a move because his confidence was **** and he just couldn't imagine I would be into him. If I would follow the "the guy has to do the pursuing" rule we would never have gotten together.

 

It's 2016. It's okay for women to know what they want and go for it. Also, I'd rather get rejected quickly than sit around fir months or even years waiting for a guy who may or may not be into me. Huge waste of time if you ask me.

[katiegrl]

I'm sorry but I so don't agree with this at all lol. I got my ex boyfriend (who I was with for 2 and a half years) by making the move on him. When we were in a relationship we talked about his passiveness and he said he never made a move because his confidence was **** and he just couldn't imagine I would be into him. If I would follow the "the guy has to do the pursuing" rule we would never have gotten together.

 

It's 2016. It's okay for women to know what they want and go for it. Also, I'd rather get rejected quickly than sit around fir months or even years waiting for a guy who may or may not be into me. Huge waste of time if you ask me.

 

I don't think gaius is wrong... nor do I think you are wrong.

 

It's all about energy (masculine/feminine) and what each of us is comfortable with.

 

I am the feminine energy and as such like (need) to be pursued and I prefer a man who is the masculine energy, aggressive and who enjoys pursuing!

 

I got my boyfriend by allowing HIM to pursue me! He enjoyed that role! And I positively and enthusiastically responded to his pursuit so he knew how much I was into him. And I enjoyed that role.

 

We complemented each other beautifully in that regard.

 

No wrong or right, just what we're comfortable with.

Edited September 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[Leigh 87]

I'm sorry but I so don't agree with this at all lol. I got my ex boyfriend (who I was with for 2 and a half years) by making the move on him. When we were in a relationship we talked about his passiveness and he said he never made a move because his confidence was **** and he just couldn't imagine I would be into him. If I would follow the "the guy has to do the pursuing" rule we would never have gotten together.

 

It's 2016. It's okay for women to know what they want and go for it. Also, I'd rather get rejected quickly than sit around fir months or even years waiting for a guy who may or may not be into me. Huge waste of time if you ask me.

 

It is okay for attractive women. Are you attractive?

 

If you are not pretty then yeah, you really should not make the first moves. I know how this all works, trust me.

 

Even total introverts approach if they find a female attractive. My BF is a massive introvert, yet he approached me - he was a blabbering stuttering shy mess and was extremely uncomfortable in doing so - but when a guy finds you attractive, he goes for it. THEN it is cool to make the first move! I am the one who got his Facebook contact AFTER he went out of his way to approach me.

 

I HAVE approached 2 men in my lifetime who were very into me physically and thought I would not be into them. It worked out well for the time we had a thing together. Turns out they were thrilled I approached them. But then again, I WAS under 30 at the time, no wrinkles and slender and cute ( full lips, nice smile, not gorgeous at all but a little better than plain). Where as if I were 35 plus, or had lines and was plain - the guys would have probably went along with it and slept with me, but that would have been it. It is a turn off when plain women approach men. Where as if you are attractive (which is subjective to an extent) they will often be excited.

 

I know it is unfair but life isn't fair. I am sure you look fine and he just had a gf, wasn;t into your look despite finding you cute, or just did not feel chemistry in person despite finding you cute. Who really knows, but just realise that approaching men does not work for ALL women at all; and to the contrary if you are not cute looking.

[Shining One]

It is okay for attractive women. Are you attractive?

 

If you are not pretty then yeah, you really should not make the first moves. I know how this all works, trust me.

I completely disagree with this. On more than one occasion, I've chosen the active, less attractive woman over the passive, more attractive woman.

I HAVE approached 2 men in my lifetime who were very into me physically and thought I would not be into them

A sample size of two is insufficient to draw any conclusions.

[JewelD]

It is okay for attractive women. Are you attractive?

 

If you are not pretty then yeah, you really should not make the first moves. I know how this all works, trust me.

 

Even total introverts approach if they find a female attractive. My BF is a massive introvert, yet he approached me - he was a blabbering stuttering shy mess and was extremely uncomfortable in doing so - but when a guy finds you attractive, he goes for it. THEN it is cool to make the first move! I am the one who got his Facebook contact AFTER he went out of his way to approach me.

 

I HAVE approached 2 men in my lifetime who were very into me physically and thought I would not be into them. It worked out well for the time we had a thing together. Turns out they were thrilled I approached them. But then again, I WAS under 30 at the time, no wrinkles and slender and cute ( full lips, nice smile, not gorgeous at all but a little better than plain). Where as if I were 35 plus, or had lines and was plain - the guys would have probably went along with it and slept with me, but that would have been it. It is a turn off when plain women approach men. Where as if you are attractive (which is subjective to an extent) they will often be excited.

 

I know it is unfair but life isn't fair. I am sure you look fine and he just had a gf, wasn;t into your look despite finding you cute, or just did not feel chemistry in person despite finding you cute. Who really knows, but just realise that approaching men does not work for ALL women at all; and to the contrary if you are not cute looking.

 

That's so blunt, but a fair point since the guy's looks have been brought up.

 

I think it's okay to make the first move if you have some clear signs that he is interested. Sounds like they just kind of stared at each other mostly and had one friendly convo before he left.

 

I do think gender roles are changing, but they are moving slower as far as love/relationships. Some men do get turned off by a woman approaching them.

 

And as women, sometimes we get impatient. Rather than consider a guy may not like us (because we're so wonderful), we need to investigate and ask him out ourselves. We need to send him that extra text to make sure he got the first one, we need to go to his side of town because he's too busy to come to ours, etc.

 

There's a fine line between empowerment and just being desperate. Not saying all women who approach men are desperate, but there are many women who pursue men because they feel like they have to in order to be in a relationship, not necessarily because they want to.

[Sunkissedpatio]

It is okay for attractive women. Are you attractive?

 

 

wow!

 

If we are going to go down the route....attractive women don't need to ask they already have options. Is it only ok for attractive men to ask women out too?

 

Just putting this out there...

 

I can't see FB messages on my phone or iPad I refuse to add the messenger app to either. The only time I can read my FB private messages is when I am in front of my computer. But even having said that 4 days seems like a long time to disappear.

 

You sure he is single?

[Omei]

I have asked a guy out, gave him my number and invited him to a date and he said yes but vanished and never called...

 

I chalk it up to the type of person who's so afraid of confrontation they rather lie and vanish. I used to have a friend who was this type of person whenever I asked to hang out and they couldnt at the time they would lie with some silly reason like laundry day instead of just saying they couldn't and everytime I'd have to explain that the lie was what pissed me off and I'd rather hear a honest no. (I'd discover she had previous plans or something because she would bring it up days later what fun she had and wasn't laundry night haha)

 

Some people have no idea how to give basic courtesy. They worry way too much about the confrontations and disappointment saying no might have and it's really not that big of a deal.

Edited September 22, 2016 by Omei

[angel.eyes]

It's 2016. It's okay for women to know what they want and go for it. Also, I'd rather get rejected quickly than sit around fir months or even years waiting for a guy who may or may not be into me. Huge waste of time if you ask me.

This has nothing to do with female empowerment. It's about recognizing when someone isn't interested. You yourself admit that he isn't interested. Your message to him acknowledges as much, when you essentially say, I know you aren't interested, but I'll be available if you ever change your mind. Just, no! That message was all kinds of wrong.

 

Anyhow. I sent him another message today. Nothing long. Just "Guess you changed your mind haha. Don't be afraid to hit me up if you change it again ". So now I'm just going to accept defeat and assume I won't hear from him again. I'm obviously dissapointed but I'm really glad that I put myself out there and took a risk! I have no regrets

 

You'll have better outcomes if you recognize lack of interest and redirect your energies to guys who actually want to date you. This guy clearly couldn't care less.

 

As for why you would wait around months or years on a guy who isn't asking you out? Don't. Again, that's wasting your time pointlessly on guys who aren't interested. Instead, focus on guys who are actually asking you out.