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Is it rude and weird to ask someone if my ex will be at a party?

xxgreen20

By xxgreen20
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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My gf of almost 3.5 months and I broke up on Saturday night. I found out from a mutual friend on that same day that my ex had told her (in confidence, but my friend decided to tell me anyway) that she no longer saw me as a boyfriend, but rather as a good friend. We were on a hike that day with our friends, and she wouldn't hold my hand for more than a minute at a time and didn't talk to me the entire time, which is why I shouldn't have been surprised.

 

When I pulled up to her house Saturday night to drop her off, I said to her, "Anne told me what you said to her about me. That you no longer have any feelings for me as a boyfriend." She said that that was all true, that she had stopped having feelings for me at the end of August, and that she still saw me as a good friend, but I said no, I couldn't be friends, at least not for several months, and I broke up with her. We had about a half hour conversation that involved me crying uncontrollably and her shedding a few tears, and then we hugged goodbye and I said, "I'll see you when I see you." I am no longer crying, but I am still sad and still love her and still have the slight hope that she'll call or text me one day saying how crazy she was. Our mutual friends are devastated as well, as the five of us used to hang out in a group.

 

My ex and I were close friends for about 9 months before we started dating, but I cannot go back now. It would be torture. We were also coworkers but I'm not working there currently since I'm in college. Long story short, I was invited to a retirement party for one of my coworkers at her and my job, and I have decided I'm not going if my ex will be there, which I'm sure she will be. If she won't be there, I definitely want to go.

 

Anyway, do you guys think there is a way I can ask one of our mutual friends if she will be there without making it obvious that it will affect my decision? I don't want to embarrass myself, but I really want to go to this party if she won't be there, but seeing her, especially if she brings a date, will give me terrible heartache. My mutual friends want me to get over it and be friends with her already, but I am not doing that. So, do you guys think I can ask if my ex will be there but not make it seem like it determines what I'm doing, or should I just not go? I said I couldn't make it last night to the host (it's a surprise party, but didn't say the reason), but I do want to know if my ex will be there so I can possibly change my mind. And also, will it make me look pathetic if people know I'm not coming because of her? I can just say I have something to do.

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Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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You just a call a mutual friend tell them that as you split up a few days ago you would feel awkward going if she is there, do they know if she is going or not.

 

If she is just say OK no problems *be cheerful* and that you hope to see them at another event sometime. If no, say great you will make sure you are there and will cancel your other plans...

 

Simples.

 

Its not weird, its self preservation.

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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You just a call a mutual friend tell them that as you split up a few days ago you would feel awkward going if she is there, do they know if she is going or not.

 

If she is just say OK no problems *be cheerful* and that you hope to see them at another event sometime. If no, say great you will make sure you are there and will cancel your other plans...

 

Simples.

 

Its not weird, its self preservation.

 

It's very easy for her to go back to being friends as she has no more feelings for me, but it isn't easy for me to do that. I am so-so today, but I didn't fall asleep until 4am on Saturday, and spent most of the day yesterday and Sunday trying not to cry when in social situations and crying when I was alone. I also will be looking for another job when I go home for Christmas break because I don't want to have to work with her.

Edited by xxgreen20
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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It's very easy for her to go back to being friends as she has no more feelings for me, but it isn't easy for me to do that. I am so-so today, but I didn't fall asleep until 4am on Saturday, and spent most of the day yesterday and Sunday trying not to cry when in social situations and crying when I was alone. I also will be looking for another job when I go home for Christmas break because I don't want to have to work with her.

 

And all of that is perfectly fine!

 

You are not doing anything wrong so stop stressing about it. Just tell your friends that its hit you hard and you just don't want to be around her for a bit until you have healed.

 

Its OK to hurt when a relationship ends... shows you are a human being and have emotions.

 

Give yourself a break and give yourself time.

 

When you come back for Christmas break you will probably have forgotten all about her and will probably have another girlfriend... So quit fretting. Do what you have to do to mend your heart and then go enjoy life.

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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And all of that is perfectly fine!

 

You are not doing anything wrong so stop stressing about it. Just tell your friends that its hit you hard and you just don't want to be around her for a bit until you have healed.

 

Its OK to hurt when a relationship ends... shows you are a human being and have emotions.

 

Give yourself a break and give yourself time.

 

When you come back for Christmas break you will probably have forgotten all about her and will probably have another girlfriend... So quit fretting. Do what you have to do to mend your heart and then go enjoy life.

 

Our mutual friends are pretty peeved at me for refusing to hang out with her, but I really don't care how they feel. They said they don't even know if she's gonna be there, but that I should go no matter what, but I refused and said I wasn't going.

Broken2016 Member

Broken2016

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If I were you, I would just tell them that you would rather not go to the party if she is there due to how recent the break up has been, and due to awkwardness like a previous poster suggested. It's wrong of your friends to want you and expect you to just get over it. They need to realise that what you are going through is a big thing and it's not something you can automatically bounce back from. I think due to break-ups being subjective experiences, it can be hard for some people to comprehend when someone is devastated, due to them never going through the same experience. Hopefully, they will become more understanding.

 

I hope you feel better soon,

Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

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I would just tell your friend that you don't want to be around her. I don't know that I would do it forever for a 3 month relationship but at least for a few months while you heal is appropriate IMO. I have one ex that I'm friend with and I felt fine with friendship after some time passed to mourn the relationship.

 

I dated a friend of a friend once. We only went out for 10 dates and it's been a few years now but he requests to stay separated. I know that in last two things we both went to for my friend, he requested to be seated on the other end of the room from me. I really don't care because it was so long ago and never got serious but he finds it off so I respect it.

Edited by Miss Peach
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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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I would just tell your friend that you don't want to be around her. I don't know that I would do it forever for a 3 month relationship but at least for a few months while you heal is appropriate IMO. I have one ex that I'm friend with and I felt fine with friendship after some time passed to mourn the relationship.

 

I dated a friend of a friend once. We only went out for 10 dates and it's been a few years now but he requests to stay separated. I know that in last two things we both went to for my friend, he requested to be seated on the other end of the room from me. I really don't care because it was so long ago and never got serious but he finds it off so I respect it.

 

Our mutual friends are just really not understanding right now of the fact that I don't want to hang out with her AT ALL. We moved so fast for 3.5 months since we had such a connection from our former friendship. We went on a picnic for our first date in June and layed on the blanket once we were done eating, cuddling and watching the sunset for about 3 hours. We kissed a few times also, and lingering kisses, not just quick ones. Our relationship blossomed after the 1st date, and the transition from friends to bf/gf didn't feel weird at all, for either of us. We had so much fun and did so many intimate things together (going to the beach, kissing on dark rides at amusement parks, etc, all the components of a wonderful relationship between 2 young people), and I could not tell until Saturday day with our friends (we broke up that night) that her feelings for me as a boyfriend had been gone since August. Literally the weekend before our breakup (the last time I hung out with her before it happened), she was all over me, laying on me while we were watching TV on the couch, hugging me, kissing me, holding my hand, etc. I find it difficult to believe that her feelings for me were gone any earlier than Saturday, because the last time she visited me at school, we had a blast and she was so happy to be with me, and she was acting right up until the end like nothing had changed. Our mutual friend booked a week long vacation to Hawaii next year for the 4 of us, but I am refusing to go. I am not going to Hawaii with her as a friend, seeing her in a bikini, seeing her laugh and have fun, etc, and being able to do nothing about it. It's like they're giving me a timeline to get over it and then are going to force me to hang out with her.

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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If I were you, I would just tell them that you would rather not go to the party if she is there due to how recent the break up has been, and due to awkwardness like a previous poster suggested. It's wrong of your friends to want you and expect you to just get over it. They need to realise that what you are going through is a big thing and it's not something you can automatically bounce back from. I think due to break-ups being subjective experiences, it can be hard for some people to comprehend when someone is devastated, due to them never going through the same experience. Hopefully, they will become more understanding.

 

I hope you feel better soon,

 

Yes, that is the exact problem. They wanted to see me and my ex go all the way and get married someday (which of course I wanted also), but 2 of them are in an almost 3 year relationship with each other and have never broken up with someone they loved, and one of them has never been in a relationship and hasn't had a date in a long time. I feel like after some time, they're really going to force me to hang out with her and be tortured.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Your friends are being terribly unfair to you and quite selfish. It's completely normal that you'd need time away from your ex to recover.

 

Just remember that they can't MAKE you hang out with the ex.

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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Your friends are being terribly unfair to you and quite selfish. It's completely normal that you'd need time away from your ex to recover.

 

Just remember that they can't MAKE you hang out with the ex.

 

The vacation for next year is the WORST! It was initially a couples' trip the 4 of us had planned (us and our 2 friends who are a couple, the 5th wasn't going to come), but now that we're broken up, they still want me to go with her as friends. I cannot do that, even though it's a year from now. By spending an entire week with her, seeing her in a bikini, going to the beach with her, seeing her all day every day for a week, my love for her will return, if it is even gone by then. I'm telling our friends I'll either go with them myself, or she can go with them herself, or the 2 of them can just go. And my ex's birthday is coming up next month, and they want me to be there to celebrate it, but I will not be ready then. It's very soon.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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you can ask, but it will probably get back to her.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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The vacation for next year is the WORST! It was initially a couples' trip the 4 of us had planned (us and our 2 friends who are a couple, the 5th wasn't going to come), but now that we're broken up, they still want me to go with her as friends. I cannot do that, even though it's a year from now. By spending an entire week with her, seeing her in a bikini, going to the beach with her, seeing her all day every day for a week, my love for her will return, if it is even gone by then. I'm telling our friends I'll either go with them myself, or she can go with them herself, or the 2 of them can just go. And my ex's birthday is coming up next month, and they want me to be there to celebrate it, but I will not be ready then. It's very soon.

 

I'm glad you're not going on the vacation. But not for the reasons you may think.

 

Chances are you will be completely over her in a year. And wondering why on earth you were so enamored with her. But most of all, if you've got a new partner who you really care about, it's going to be very hurtful to her if you go on a fabulous vacation with your ex.

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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I'm glad you're not going on the vacation. But not for the reasons you may think.

 

Chances are you will be completely over her in a year. And wondering why on earth you were so enamored with her. But most of all, if you've got a new partner who you really care about, it's going to be very hurtful to her if you go on a fabulous vacation with your ex.

 

Well, I'm not wondering that right now. I'm wondering why I was so good to her and showed her so much love, but as soon as the last week of August hit, her feelings for me came to a halt. I don't know if it's even possible for a guy to treat his girlfriend better than I treated her, and yet even that couldn't sustain her love for me.

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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Your friends are not being very supportive of either of you.

 

I am going to go so far as to say that they sound like acquaintances rather than friends...

 

Look forward to going away and starting a new chapter in your life. And you did the right thing to cancel that holiday. It would screw you over in more ways that one!

 

You are over thinking it all. Some people are just not meant to be and that is what this probably is.

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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Your friends are not being very supportive of either of you.

 

I am going to go so far as to say that they sound like acquaintances rather than friends...

 

Look forward to going away and starting a new chapter in your life. And you did the right thing to cancel that holiday. It would screw you over in more ways that one!

 

You are over thinking it all. Some people are just not meant to be and that is what this probably is.

 

I had been better most of yesterday and today, but now I'm upset again, because I feel I unknowingly did something or a bunch of things to make her lose her feelings for me. Up until the last week of our relationship, everything was amazing between us, and everything she did showed me that she had deep feelings for me. She initiated making out, text conversations, and hanging out just as much as I did, if not even more. The way she smiled at me and laughed at my jokes made me feel like I was the best boyfriend she ever had, and she said on several occasions in our relationship that I was the best boyfriend ever and that she didn't know what she did to deserve me. There were times I'd pull up in front of her house to drop her off, and literally as soon as I shut off the car, she'd grab my shirt collar and start making out with me. Anytime she had the opportunity, she'd give me a hj, including when I was driving, when we were watching a movie with other people with a blanket over us, and in the pool. I turned her on as well and always reciprocated whenever she did sexual things to me, and I was kind and loving to her the whole time. She only stopped acting this way right before our breakup, and even though we had a fight that week, I didn't think that was it since we had both apologized and made up two days later. She texted me the day after we broke up telling me I did nothing wrong, and that it was her feelings and nothing else, and us being at different stages in our lives was also part of the factor (she is 4 years older than me). But I still feel like I could have been even better than I was, and if I did something wrong in reality despite what she said, I regret it completely.

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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It will be like this for a while.

 

Don't worry its all normal and part of healing.

 

Try diverting your thoughts to other things when you start to think about her.

 

Get yourself involved with new things.

 

Chances are you didn't do anything wrong. Sounds as if she is one of those "love bombers". They bombard you with affection until you develop feelings for them then they ditch you with out a care in the world.

 

Don't worry. There is more to life and you have a long old way to go! Lucky you! There is loads of time. So don't beet yourself up over it.

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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It will be like this for a while.

 

Don't worry its all normal and part of healing.

 

Try diverting your thoughts to other things when you start to think about her.

 

Get yourself involved with new things.

 

Chances are you didn't do anything wrong. Sounds as if she is one of those "love bombers". They bombard you with affection until you develop feelings for them then they ditch you with out a care in the world.

 

Don't worry. There is more to life and you have a long old way to go! Lucky you! There is loads of time. So don't beet yourself up over it.

 

I went to a family party tonight and had a great time, but there were many couples there, and I started thinking about her even more than I had the past couple of days, and now that the party's over, I'm sad again. She was supposed to come to the party as well, so that doesn't help my emotions.

DarrenB Established Member

DarrenB

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I went to a family party tonight and had a great time, but there were many couples there, and I started thinking about her even more than I had the past couple of days, and now that the party's over, I'm sad again. She was supposed to come to the party as well, so that doesn't help my emotions.

 

Things become very hard to overcome, especially when alot of different things relate to her. I feel you and understand your pain and sadness.

 

There's not much you can really do; time will ironically give you all the time in the world to heal off of. Some days might be easier than others, some days the absolute opposite. But hopefully soon, you'll be able to think no more of her but as a fond memory to keep embedded in your head as a point of positivity in your life and past.

 

It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel happy, it's okay to feel any emotion really on any level. After all, it's part of the healing process - which you will overcome in time :)

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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Things become very hard to overcome, especially when alot of different things relate to her. I feel you and understand your pain and sadness.

 

There's not much you can really do; time will ironically give you all the time in the world to heal off of. Some days might be easier than others, some days the absolute opposite. But hopefully soon, you'll be able to think no more of her but as a fond memory to keep embedded in your head as a point of positivity in your life and past.

 

It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel happy, it's okay to feel any emotion really on any level. After all, it's part of the healing process - which you will overcome in time :)

 

I looked her up on Instagram tonight just to see her bio (her pictures are private since I unfollowed her), and I saw that she finally took my initials off her bio (I checked last night and they were still there). And I went to my followers list and saw that she unfollowed me too, so I'm sad and relieved at the same time.

wow123 Established Member

wow123

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I looked her up on Instagram tonight just to see her bio (her pictures are private since I unfollowed her), and I saw that she finally took my initials off her bio (I checked last night and they were still there). And I went to my followers list and saw that she unfollowed me too, so I'm sad and relieved at the same time.

 

Stay away from social media. Trust me. This is a dangerous road you're going down. Delete the apps. Don't log in till you're over her if that's what it takes.

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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Stay away from social media. Trust me. This is a dangerous road you're going down. Delete the apps. Don't log in till you're over her if that's what it takes.

 

I unfriended her and all of her family and friends on Facebook so I wouldn't see any pictures of her and unfollowed all of them on Instagram. The only reason I kept checking her Instagram was to see if she had removed my initials from her bio, because they had still been on her page until today, even though it's been 8 days now.

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