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'ex' emailed me after I asked for NC - unsure how to proceed

tangowhiskey

By tangowhiskey,
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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stillafool

stillafool

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But this is why it is so difficult. I really do not have many friends at all, and we connected in such a way that he felt like a best friend also. I spent more time with him than I have for anyone else my whole life. Its been very hard getting over that loss, almost separately from the loss of the romantic/sexual side.

 

This is why I advise not to make a person you are just dating/fwb/bf your best friend. When breakups happen you have no one to turn to. It's best if you wait until you're engaged or married to them before becoming best friends.

 

OP, do you work with any nice women who you can befriend?

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Toodaloo

Toodaloo

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But this is why it is so difficult. I really do not have many friends at all, and we connected in such a way that he felt like a best friend also. I spent more time with him than I have for anyone else my whole life. Its been very hard getting over that loss, almost separately from the loss of the romantic/sexual side.

 

Look to expand your social circle and make more friends... This is way more important than stressing about boys.

 

Then work at keeping them regardless of whether a guy comes into your life or not.

 

My best friend happens to be my dog. No one knows as much as she does. Not even my best friends. I have a few very big secrets that less than a handful of people know. And no one gets introduced to anyone I am dating until I am ready (and that is usually quite late in). It is not unusual for me to wait a few months before even mentioning that there is a guy in the back ground... My ex and I were dating for 6 months before anyone knew about it. Last guy was very quick which happened by accidental circumstance not through choice.

 

My general rule, if it lasts under a year its a "fling". Short term is up to 5 years and long term anything over.

 

Now do you see why our perspectives are quite so different?

 

Don't throw your heart away to anyone who will accept it. Keep your heart close to you and save it for those who respect it.

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tangowhiskey

tangowhiskey

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Hey guys. I thought I would send a quick update.

 

I've been seeing a psychologist for quite a while and during our session yesterday I discussed the email. She read it and gave her thoughts on it. We went through my options and I decided I wanted to reply. Not only would it stop my constant anxiety and worry about 'ignoring' it would also allow me to send a signal I am moving on, but able to remain respectful. I know many of you will not agree with this, but I cannot help my own decision and obviously we all have to bear the consequences of the choices we make.

 

So I sent this -

 

"Thank you for your email. I accept your apology and I forgive you. I wish you all the best for the future, take care."

 

And a few hours later I got this reply -

 

"Hey,thanks for that, I know you didn't need to reply, never mind forgive me, so it's appreciated. Oh and sorry for the tone being a bit formal but wanted to make sure you knew it was sincere."

 

Although I am not sure what to make of the reply, it doesn't matter now. Everything is blocked and real NC starts today. I feel much better doing it now for some reason and I can hold my head high.

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BC1980

BC1980

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Good for blocking him since he clearly didn't respect your request for NC. Just don't get baited into responding if he contacts you again.

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stillafool

stillafool

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Hey guys. I thought I would send a quick update.

 

I've been seeing a psychologist for quite a while and during our session yesterday I discussed the email. She read it and gave her thoughts on it. We went through my options and I decided I wanted to reply. Not only would it stop my constant anxiety and worry about 'ignoring' it would also allow me to send a signal I am moving on, but able to remain respectful. I know many of you will not agree with this, but I cannot help my own decision and obviously we all have to bear the consequences of the choices we make.

 

So I sent this -

 

"Thank you for your email. I accept your apology and I forgive you. I wish you all the best for the future, take care."

 

And a few hours later I got this reply -

 

"Hey,thanks for that, I know you didn't need to reply, never mind forgive me, so it's appreciated. Oh and sorry for the tone being a bit formal but wanted to make sure you knew it was sincere."

 

Although I am not sure what to make of the reply, it doesn't matter now. Everything is blocked and real NC starts today. I feel much better doing it now for some reason and I can hold my head high.

 

If this is what your psychologist told you to do I certainly have no problem with it. I'm glad you got your closure and can now move on. Good luck!

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tangowhiskey

tangowhiskey

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They didn't tell me to, so to speak, but we went through my options and this was the outcome which stuck to my values and also wouldn't cause me AS much anxiety and unease going forwards. She pointed out that I hadn't explicitly and categorically asked him not to contact me, even though I had asked for time and space. And so I felt this was needed as a final message, after 8 weeks, to confirm I really can't be in contact.

 

I admit his reply left me feeling confused as it was so brief and odd, but that's life I guess.

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Toodaloo

Toodaloo

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They didn't tell me to, so to speak, but we went through my options and this was the outcome which stuck to my values and also wouldn't cause me AS much anxiety and unease going forwards. She pointed out that I hadn't explicitly and categorically asked him not to contact me, even though I had asked for time and space. And so I felt this was needed as a final message, after 8 weeks, to confirm I really can't be in contact.

 

I admit his reply left me feeling confused as it was so brief and odd, but that's life I guess.

 

Tango.

 

I am about to be mean and blunt so sit down for a moment and read slowly.

 

Your ex is a pillock. Yup. Its that simple. You know it, he knows it. Now he is playing you like a fiddle. Again he is being a pillock. But worse he is allowing you to carry all the guilt he has and is off loading it on you. He is leaving you confused and not knowing what you should do. He is playing on your kindness. Probably to see if he can keep you on a back burner and get a shag out of you again at a later date.

 

Do not fall for it.

 

Save your kindness and generosity for people who deserve it. Save your care and affection for people who will not jerk you about like this.

 

You will be much happier, much less confused and more empowered if you allow yourself to treat yourself with this little bit of self respect.

 

Your ex is laying foundations to be "friends" so he can use you later. That is what is happening here.

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stillafool

stillafool

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I admit his reply left me feeling confused as it was so brief and odd, but that's life I guess.

 

This is what happens when you reach for closure you are left with more questions and confusion. It never fails. You are the only one who can give yourself closure. Trying to get it from him will keep you stuck.

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stillafool

stillafool

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I admit his reply left me feeling confused as it was so brief and odd, but that's life I guess.

 

On second reading I can't see what is confusing or odd about his reply. He was basically thanking you for accepting his apology and for forgiving him. It seemed like a final goodbye between the two of you. I don't think he was playing a game at all but was being sincere.

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tangowhiskey

tangowhiskey

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Tango.

 

I am about to be mean and blunt so sit down for a moment and read slowly.

 

Your ex is a pillock. Yup. Its that simple. You know it, he knows it. Now he is playing you like a fiddle. Again he is being a pillock. But worse he is allowing you to carry all the guilt he has and is off loading it on you. He is leaving you confused and not knowing what you should do. He is playing on your kindness. Probably to see if he can keep you on a back burner and get a shag out of you again at a later date.

 

Do not fall for it.

 

Save your kindness and generosity for people who deserve it. Save your care and affection for people who will not jerk you about like this.

 

You will be much happier, much less confused and more empowered if you allow yourself to treat yourself with this little bit of self respect.

 

Your ex is laying foundations to be "friends" so he can use you later. That is what is happening here.

 

You are not being mean at all! I actually agree with all of this.

 

I don't think its a deliberate and malicious thing, but it certainly isnt someone who loved and cared about me :(

 

The funny thing is I actually felt his reply was indicating he didn't want to hear from me again!

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tangowhiskey

tangowhiskey

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On second reading I can't see what is confusing or odd about his reply. He was basically thanking you for accepting his apology and for forgiving him. It seemed like a final goodbye between the two of you. I don't think he was playing a game at all but was being sincere.

 

Yeah I guess so, I thought that too. I just meant odd in terms of it doesn't actually say much at all - and the weird statement about being formal equates to being sincere? Also, I know im picking, but no 'take care' or 'all the best'. Just seemed blunt!

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stillafool

stillafool

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"Thank you for your email. I accept your apology and I forgive you. I wish you all the best for the future, take care."

 

And a few hours later I got this reply -

 

"Hey,thanks for that, I know you didn't need to reply, never mind forgive me, so it's appreciated. Oh and sorry for the tone being a bit formal but wanted to make sure you knew it was sincere."

 

Actually his reply was less blunt than yours. I don't see anything wrong with his last reply to you and I do not think he's putting you on the back burner for sex later either. I think he was acknowledging the break in a respectful way. Maybe he thought his last text was too formal and just wanted you to know he is sincere.

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tangowhiskey

tangowhiskey

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"Thank you for your email. I accept your apology and I forgive you. I wish you all the best for the future, take care."

 

And a few hours later I got this reply -

 

"Hey,thanks for that, I know you didn't need to reply, never mind forgive me, so it's appreciated. Oh and sorry for the tone being a bit formal but wanted to make sure you knew it was sincere."

 

Actually his reply was less blunt than yours. I don't see anything wrong with his last reply to you and I do not think he's putting you on the back burner for sex later either. I think he was acknowledging the break in a respectful way. Maybe he thought his last text was too formal and just wanted you to know he is sincere.

 

That's true. I suppose I never thought of my reply as being blunt, but yes I guess it is!

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