Smoothman Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 (Back after a long break). I'm 50, and I've dated a lot in the past few years. I like to think I can gauge a woman's reactions quite well by now, know when to persevere, know when to give up and move on. I started dating again after a few months off, and within a week had a few connections (rewrote my dating profile, which seemed to improve the reply rate). This one in particular was very appealing to me from an initial read... 42 yo Asian woman, pretty, petite, well written profile, lots of good photos... She replied back and we started chatting on We Chat (The dating website chat sucks) A bit of "getting to know you (Making sure you're not a wack job) texts" and we moved to make the first date... First date arranged easily enough, but already I'm getting the sense this woman isn't much of a texter, not a big problem of course, just something to bear in mind. We meet, have a simple couple of drinks and chat... Goes well, we talked for hours, she's very funny, easily laughs, very pretty (actually looked exactly like her photos, which is unusual!). I drop her off outside her flat, and drive home. We exchanged a few more messages about her cats, and this is when she typed the most. In all this she did say "Next time we meet I'll tell you a story about..." I mention that because this was the ONLY time she mentioned a possible next meeting. No "I really enjoyed myself" or "Nice meeting you" nothing like that. Comes time to arrange the second date... I offer a nice dinner...no comment on that, but continues to chat about other things. I suggest 6:00 pick up. No comment on that, but continues to chat about other things. Finally I ask her what type of food she would like, and she replies "any" So, she did agree all a long, but never actually typed "Ok" or "Sure" or whatever... I pick her up, and we get along even better, she'd touchy feely, and as we walk from the restaurant back to my place (to see my cat), she holds my hand. We get back, meets the cat, a bit more talking.. I lean in for the kiss, and BOOM, it's on for young and old, we go to the bedroom and have great sex for a couple of hours. Blew me away...I wasn't even sure she'd kiss me back, and we had sex? I took her home (She declined to stay the night), and we had already discussed that neither of us was after casual or short term, but since we now had had sex, I again told her I wasn't interested in just a casual fling. She said something like "we try, see how it goes" I got back home and texted her a "That was wonderful message" I got a "Good night" in reply... That's it...not even an emoticon Since then I texted her to say hello, but she never initiates. No "Good night" no "good morning" from her, but she will reply when I do. She asked me if I could help her by driving her to a friends place to feed their pets, when they go on holiday IN NOVEMBER! So she's thinking and asking about events that far off (honestly, she could ask a lot closer to the time), but I get no direct comments from her about us, what we are, what she thinks... Based on what I feel (I like her a lot) and the fact that I'm not playing games, I told her I've taken down my dating profile to focus on her, to "see where this goes" I did get a couple of smilies for that.... I called her, and she answered happily enough, but told me I'd disconnected her We Chat call to her mum! (This happens I know from personal experience) I apologised and she said she'd let me know when she was finished... She didn't... I asked her for another date, again no direct "Ok" just started chatting about her situation with her landlord (..about a broken stove). So again the day of the date comes around, and no definite confirmation...so I ask her if 6:30 is OK. She replies OK, but said "No sex, I'm, on my period" (Which I knew from an earlier convo), I replied "I know, I just want to spend time with you" She didn't reply to that. If i don't text her, I get nothing... I'm going to ask her to stay over next weekend...in person, during tonight's date So that's it, third date tonight... I guess I'm just struggling with her apathy...I've never encountered anyone so reluctant to initiate conversations, answer definitely when asked out (even though she has always agreed) What do you guys think?
Teddius Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 She's been intimate with you and basically verbalized interest in seeing where things between you two lead. Still, she's been on all of two dates with you. Therefor, she continues in a process of evaluating you, your motives, and the level of interest that you have for her. She wants you to take the initiative of pursuing her, period, and be somewhat of challenge to you. Regarding her indirect agreements to date you, if she doesn't say no, perhaps she assumes she's saying yes.
MidwestUSA Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Is there a problem with speaking on the phone? It might be a bit harder to dodge and change topics. 1
Aniela Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 You've already taken down your profile? Too soon! I'm not big on talking on the phone, unless I really know someone. Although my dad complains that I text more than I call.
SoThatHappened Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 To me, if your depiction is true about her shoddy communication: Red Flags = Run Fast Or, just treat her like a friend with benefits. That's about how she seems to be treating you, and you're eating it up. 1
kendahke Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 She's rude, that's for certain. I think you need to step back for a few days and see if she attempts to get in contact with you. Right now, she isn't showing much interest in investing further with you. She's cool with casual sex--that's what her behavior is saying for certain--it's not saying she wants the same kind of relationship with you. Talk is cheap--what is she doing/how is she acting? I think she's already dismissed you as a serious contender. I'd smile at the unexpected hook up and just leave it where it lies. Find someone with better communication skills. 1
mortensorchid Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 It sounds like she's ... Not interested based on what you said. Sounds like she pulled a "bag it, tag it, give it cab fare" to me. It might be odd considering that it was a woman doing that to a man, but it happens. Back off, see if she ever contacts you again. 1
smackie9 Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Whether she likes you or not, you are not into playing games....next her.
Author Smoothman Posted September 20, 2016 Author Posted September 20, 2016 (edited) Yeah, pretty much what I was thinking. I did ask the exclusive question, to which she replied "Yes" and gave me a sweet cuddle. Tried to gauge her further: "On Friday I'll make you dinner, and take you to a movie." "A movie, I don't really like movies" "What TV do you watch" "I don't have a TV" "What do you do at night?" "I play on my phone" "Games?" "No, just chatting to friends" "Friday, I'd like you to stay over." "no, I won't stay, I can't sleep" I drove her home to her flat about 20 minutes away. "I'll walk you up to you door" "no no...that's OK!" Gives me a quick kiss, get's out of the car, waves good bye. I will not text her today, see what happens. The sex was great, so that's worth retaining at least... But I can't see a great future, and something isn't quite right. I didn't take down my profile because of her, I usually collect a few potential contacts and the go offline...I tend to suffer "kid in a candy shop" syndrome, best I focus on a few at a time. I've been chatting to another lady who's on holiday, and she is the exact opposite, super chatty, reaches out to me first, sends pictures of herself and where she is. We have send music links to each other, and we both like each others' music, really agree on what's important in a relationship. But until we meet, it's all just words, I've had that before where masses of texts and phone failed to predict the utter fizzle out first meeting was. I have hopes... Edited September 20, 2016 by Smoothman
SoThatHappened Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Wow, she sounds like the opposite of fun :/ If she's just up for sex and you can separate the emotional side (which is risky) then let her chase you a bit. I think you've done enough. 1
Author Smoothman Posted September 20, 2016 Author Posted September 20, 2016 (edited) Wow, she sounds like the opposite of fun :/ If she's just up for sex and you can separate the emotional side (which is risky) then let her chase you a bit. I think you've done enough. Yeah, I can keep my emotions in check. What I don't want is for HER to fall madly in love (I've had that exact thing happen before, chill girl suddenly all emotional) I don't think she just wants sex, I don't get that from her, I just think she expects the man to do the legwork. ...maybe Edited September 20, 2016 by Smoothman
Aniela Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Yeah, I can keep my emotions in check. What I don't want is for HER to fall madly in love (I've had that exact thing happen before, chill girl suddenly all emotional) I don't think she just wants sex, I don't get that from her, I just think she expects the man to do the legwork. ...maybe It sounds like you don't have to worry about that.
Author Smoothman Posted September 21, 2016 Author Posted September 21, 2016 It sounds like you don't have to worry about that. I've thought that before too...
Aniela Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 I've thought that before too... You could just not spend time with her again.
Author Smoothman Posted September 21, 2016 Author Posted September 21, 2016 You could just not spend time with her again. I'll simply let her decide... If she contacts me, fine. If she doesn't, guess I'm free this Friday after all!
Aniela Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 I'll simply let her decide... If she contacts me, fine. If she doesn't, guess I'm free this Friday after all! For who? Another hot date?
Author Smoothman Posted September 21, 2016 Author Posted September 21, 2016 For who? Another hot date? Nope, bottle of wine and Wallender.
robbysurfs Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 she just sounds non comital ... no accountability, she may very well be not emotionally available either.
Author Smoothman Posted September 22, 2016 Author Posted September 22, 2016 Yeah, but I'm OK with that, right now I can take this, see her couple of times a week, good sex, neither of us are gonna fall in love. She refuses to sleep over, says she prefers to sleep alone, so if that continues I'll move on. I do want at least that level of commitment!
Author Smoothman Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 UPDATE: Whilst texting her is awful, in that she'll reply, but almost never initiate, whenever I ring her she is super happy and sounds very pleased I called. So... Met Friday, picked her up, got home, pretty much jumped into bed straight away... After we went out for dinner, and we chatted happily, and we got around to TV, and suddenly I discovered she watched all the shows I did! May not seem like much, but up until then she said she "didn't watch TV at all" You may see above I posted about this... Seems she does watch on her laptop... Got, Daredevil, Gotham... So that led to Game of Thrones discussion, and when we got back to my place, we watched episode 5 of season 6, as she hadn't watched since moved last... The Hodor episode...! We sat on the ends of the couch, but held hands... Dropped her off feeling closer than before... Now originally she said she didn't want to see me Saturday, but Saturday afternoon I get this: "might go to ur place watch TV and play with lily again tonight" Lily is my cat, who she loves. So I pick her up after my dinner, we end up having sex in the living room because we just got carried away, then sat wrapped in a doona, naked, watching another episode. She still flat out refuses to sleep over. Sunday she was as distant as ever. I rang that night to say hello, she told me she was chatting to her brother. I thought she'd let me know when she was finished, she didn't, so I rang back again later, and she chatted happily. I did tell her that she was hard to gauge...that she has never said one word about "us" She said "I'm a nice guy" That's it... I told her that I really liked her, and that I am happy to keep seeing her, let's see what happens. We finished chatting, and I texted her a thank you. "Better to talk I think" She replied with a bunch of random emoticons. Not love hearts, kisses and smilies...no... I got tongue out, falling star, moon, star, angel, bee. Then: "anyway if i don't like u at all，i wouldn't see u as u said.. i admit" I did peek at her online profile, and she is still online frequently, like every morning, every evening. So, yeah, I'm a little lost here as to what this woman wants...
Aniela Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 I thought you were only worried about her falling in love. You've had two dates. If you don't want her to fall in love, why do you want her to talk about the two of you, as in "us"?
Author Smoothman Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 I thought you were only worried about her falling in love. You've had two dates. If you don't want her to fall in love, why do you want her to talk about the two of you, as in "us"? Yeah, part of that mentallity was self defence, if I'm super chill, I can't get hurt...right? But...now I'm starting to really like her...I'm worried she WON'T fall in love! It's kind of all flipped about now... What do your read...?
Author Smoothman Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 (edited) On one hand I don't want to go all needy and OTT, and drive her away... I've had that happen TO me, I certainly don't want to do it to someone else! On the other, I DO like her, and I think she should know that. I really should just relax I guess, but with her non-committal nature and frequent OLD activity, I feel she'll just move on, and I'll be disappointed... I guess what I'm trying to say is, how do I avoid getting hurt? And it's 4 dates! lol Edited September 26, 2016 by Smoothman
Shorty Shortison Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 She sounds like kind of a dud except for the sex part.
Author Smoothman Posted September 26, 2016 Author Posted September 26, 2016 She sounds like kind of a dud except for the sex part. The sex IS good, very good. She's a surprisingly open, horny woman...surprising in that I didn't get that vibe from her at all until the second date kiss led to full on sex. She did that in a small flat with three guests present in the adjacent room. But apart from sex... she's funny and happy, always smiling and laughing... She's super chill, no stress, no "relationship" talk, still on the fence as to whether that's good or bad! I think she's just in it for the ride; she likes, the sex, my company, my cat, chilling and watching TV... But I don't think she is at all committed, or developing any feelings... I don't know whether to go full romantic and do the flowers, romantic walks in the gardens, that type of thing, or just go easy and let it flow naturally.
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