Came on too strong. Irreversible damage?

[Conviction]

Looking for some advice, I messed up.

 

Several weeks ago, my ex reached out to me, so we started talking/hanging out. Things were going pretty good, only one small hiccup that was cleared up rather quickly. She always initiated conversation (she preferred text mostly) so we texted almost constantly. As a side note, I realized this was probably going to lead to burnout but I didn't wanna be a jerk and ignore her initial texts. Anyway, as I suspected, I stopped hearing from her. I would initiate, but she seemed distracted so I didn't push it and toned it down to one call s night, but even those were short and met with a distracted sounding girl on the other end. This confused me because she was pretty heavy when we started talking again, meaning she was very flirty, made moves (kissing etc), then all of a sudden POOF, gone.

 

In her defense I can verify she is in fact a very busy woman. Job, school, kid, repeat. I am a very open person when it comes to conversation, so instead of sitting wondering what happened I decided to call her to see where her head was at. I'm not sure if this was fatal or not, but I essentially asked, "are you interested in taking this further, or did I blow it?" She replied by saying she's too busy for a relationship right now. Fair enough, I left it at that.

 

I haven't heard from her since. My question is, did I blow it by bringing up the word "relationship"? My intention wasn't to make her feel pressured, but I look back on it now and realize it probably came off that way. I really really don't want to lose this girl, she is a wonderful woman. Should I contact her to clear the air and let her know, I wasn't expecting a relationship right now and apologize for coming on too strong? Maybe she thinks I wanted one right now, when in reality I am cool with taking it slow and seeing how it progresses.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Mrin]

Two possible explanations here and neither of them are good.

 

1. (most likely) you were Plan B. She was missing something in her life. Maybe she got rejected. Maybe she was feeling down about herself. But she reached out to you for an ego stroke and stroke it you did. It probably felt amazing for a bit but then it got annoying. The End.

 

2. (also possible) You came on too strong. But she probably would have known that that was your M.O. right? So it wouldn't have been a surprise for her. See explanation #1.

 

Sorry dude!

[Conviction]

Two possible explanations here and neither of them are good.

 

1. (most likely) you were Plan B. She was missing something in her life. Maybe she got rejected. Maybe she was feeling down about herself. But she reached out to you for an ego stroke and stroke it you did. It probably felt amazing for a bit but then it got annoying. The End.

 

2. (also possible) You came on too strong. But she probably would have known that that was your M.O. right? So it wouldn't have been a surprise for her. See explanation #1.

 

Sorry dude!

 

I appreciate the input. As for your question in point 2, yeah I made it pretty clear that I wanted something more than just friends. I mirrored the flirting that she gave me early on. I wanted to be careful NOT to come on too strong though. Funny how trying hard to avoid something actually makes you do it.

 

As for point 1, a thought of mine as well. It had been a few months since our last contact, but gave her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she was just ready to give it another go after some time had passed.

 

This sucks. Again, I appreciate your input.

[phineas]

So how much time did you waste feeding her attention while tried to text game her?

 

This is why whenever a woman re-appears I pointedly ask them what they want with me almost ASAP.

 

They either tell me they want to date then set a date with me upon which I will tell them I will talk to them then or they take a hike.

 

Those who were just looking for attention go *poof*.

[basil67]

I'm 100% with phineas. If an ex came back after having previously dumped me, I'd be very direct in asking their intentions. I'd hate to be led on when they had no intention of rekindling the relationship.

 

And no, you didn't blow it. She is not interested in a relationship. At best, she may have wanted some type of no strings arrangement....but only at her convenience.

[Stercrazy]

Either way if you've dated her before and she was willing to go out again that means she's comfortable with you so I think "coming on too strong" is out. I would leave it be and move on. The Yo-Yoing back and forth can get exhausting. Are you ok with that??

[BikerAccnt]

The Yo-Yoing back and forth can get exhausting. Are you ok with that??

 

 

This.

 

I yo-yo'd back and forth with an ex for 2 years. Finally had enough of it and broke up with her a bit more than 6 mos. ago. Since I hold her no ill will and she has contacted me sporadically, she'll get nothing more than a limited friendship, even if she desires more.

 

Never did much care for yo-yo's anyway.

[Teknoe]

Google Corey Wayne. His advice on handling ex girlfriends is priceless.

[VeveCakes]

I think you saved yourself a lot of wasted time. Being upfront only scares away the people that don't want something with you. They don't like it because they have to admit they aren't really interested in investing in something. Dodged a bullet.

[Conviction]

So how much time did you waste feeding her attention while tried to text game her?

 

This is why whenever a woman re-appears I pointedly ask them what they want with me almost ASAP.

 

They either tell me they want to date then set a date with me upon which I will tell them I will talk to them then or they take a hike.

 

Those who were just looking for attention go *poof*.

 

I definitely see how that could be effective, and wish I would have done that from the get go. I kept up with the texting for 4.5 weeks, we had only met up twice. In the beginning I guess I just assumed she was ready to date again since she was flirty and broke the "physical" barrier. Which is why I was so confused when she all of a sudden fell off the radar. The more I think about it, it does make sense that she used me for a little attention because she got lonely. Fuuuuuu :/

[joyful]

from the perspective of the dumper, it can be very hard to reconcile with someone you have already decided is not right for you. in some ways, it is the ultimate lack of faith in the other person's capacity to make you happy in the longterm.

 

even if you have feelings for the person, it is hard to go back into something you have already decided is not right for you. internally, it just doesn't make sense. and it doesn't feel like you can trust the changes you may see in the person if you feel like they have an agenda of getting you back to begin with. so all it takes is a little glimpse or reminder of something in the person that you wanted to get away from to send you running away again.

[Conviction]

I appreciate everybody's reply. You all make great points.

 

The yo-yoing is something I didn't even think about, but you guys are right about that. She completely yo-yo'd me and I'm not ok with that.

 

I didn't expect this girl to "use" me at all. Never knew her as that type of person, but I guess people's true colors come out eventually, and it makes a lot if sense that's exactly what she did, especially after reading your guys' responses. I was really thinking about calling her to apologize, but I'm re-thinking that now because maybe being upfront and direct helped me weed out her shady behavior? Didn't see this coming one bit.

[Conviction]

from the perspective of the dumper, it can be very hard to reconcile with someone you have already decided is not right for you. in some ways, it is the ultimate lack of faith in the other person's capacity to make you happy in the longterm.

 

even if you have feelings for the person, it is hard to go back into something you have already decided is not right for you. internally, it just doesn't make sense. and it doesn't feel like you can trust the changes you may see in the person if you feel like they have an agenda of getting you back to begin with. so all it takes is a little glimpse or reminder of something in the person that you wanted to get away from to send you running away again.

 

Then, in your opinion, why come back? Went did she reach back out to me and continue to flirt with me if she had already decided I wasn't right for her? Do you agree with the other posts that I was basically her safety net?

[joyful]

Then, in your opinion, why come back? Went did she reach back out to me and continue to flirt with me if she had already decided I wasn't right for her? Do you agree with the other posts that I was basically her safety net?

 

The decision that you're not right for her was made before and during the breakup. I think most dumpers, especially the irresponsible and immature ones, reach out and flirt afrer the breakup out of curiosity, missing you, and/or for an ego stroke.

 

If too little time has passed, the dumper's coming back is usually the final nail on the coffin because, eventually, they remember why they left in the first place and leave again, usually for good.

 

Yes, I agree that you were here safety net. You were also too eager and willing.

[Conviction]

The decision that you're not right for her was made before and during the breakup. I think most dumpers, especially the irresponsible and immature ones, reach out and flirt afrer the breakup out of curiosity, missing you, and/or for an ego stroke.

 

If too little time has passed, the dumper's coming back is usually the final nail on the coffin because, eventually, they remember why they left in the first place and leave again, usually for good.

 

Yes, I agree that you were here safety net. You were also too eager and willing.

 

I see. I hear ya on being too willing and eager. I was really excited to start again with her, I like this girl a lot. I'm not really one to play games and "pretend" I'm not excited or eager, I like to make my intentions known straight away but I can see your point on how that landed me in the position I'm in now.

[joyful]

I hear you. But dating an ex is not the same as dating a new person. The dumper has already decided somewhere along the way that you're not right for them - and so the dumper should be dealt with tentatively, if at all.

[Satu]

Then, in your opinion, *why come back? Went did she reach back out to me and continue to flirt with me if she had already decided I wasn't right for her? Do you agree with the other posts that I was basically her safety net?

 

Your question has already been answered.

 

I think point 1 is the most likely explanation.

 

Two possible explanations here and neither of them are good.

 

1. (most likely) you were Plan B. She was missing something in her life. Maybe she got rejected. Maybe she was feeling down about herself. But she reached out to you for an ego stroke and stroke it you did. It probably felt amazing for a bit but then it got annoying. The End.

 

2. (also possible) You came on too strong. But she probably would have known that that was your M.O. right? So it wouldn't have been a surprise for her. See explanation #1.

 

Sorry dude!

[Conviction]

Your question has already been answered.

 

I think point 1 is the most likely explanation.

 

True. Hard pill to swallow I guess.

[Satu]

True. Hard pill to swallow I guess.

 

Soon enough, you'll see that its for the best, and then you'll move on to better things.

 

 

Take care.

[Redhead14]

Looking for some advice, I messed up.

 

Several weeks ago, my ex reached out to me, so we started talking/hanging out. Things were going pretty good, only one small hiccup that was cleared up rather quickly. She always initiated conversation (she preferred text mostly) so we texted almost constantly. As a side note, I realized this was probably going to lead to burnout but I didn't wanna be a jerk and ignore her initial texts. Anyway, as I suspected, I stopped hearing from her. I would initiate, but she seemed distracted so I didn't push it and toned it down to one call s night, but even those were short and met with a distracted sounding girl on the other end. This confused me because she was pretty heavy when we started talking again, meaning she was very flirty, made moves (kissing etc), then all of a sudden POOF, gone.

 

In her defense I can verify she is in fact a very busy woman. Job, school, kid, repeat. I am a very open person when it comes to conversation, so instead of sitting wondering what happened I decided to call her to see where her head was at. I'm not sure if this was fatal or not, but I essentially asked, "are you interested in taking this further, or did I blow it?" She replied by saying she's too busy for a relationship right now. Fair enough, I left it at that.

 

I haven't heard from her since. My question is, did I blow it by bringing up the word "relationship"? My intention wasn't to make her feel pressured, but I look back on it now and realize it probably came off that way. I really really don't want to lose this girl, she is a wonderful woman. Should I contact her to clear the air and let her know, I wasn't expecting a relationship right now and apologize for coming on too strong? Maybe she thinks I wanted one right now, when in reality I am cool with taking it slow and seeing how it progresses.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

No, I doubt that did it. She was lonely and/or bored, needed an ego boost and wanted some attention and was using you as her emotional tampon. Go no contact. Block/delete.

 

Even if it made her a little anxious, she could have been more mature and said "hey, I'd like to explore that possibility too and take our time". Not disappear. She's playing with you.

[Miss Peach]

If I'm into a guy, a DTR talk doesn't scare me off.

[Conviction]

All very good points.

 

Honestly, you guys have opened my eyes. Initially, I was putting the entire blame on myself, thinking I shouldn't have asked her about a relationship, but in reality, I was well within my bounds to ask about that and it sounds like she was just playing me from the beginning.

 

Either way it sucks because end result, I didn't get the girl I wanted but I appreciate everybody's input and opening my eyes to a different perspective.

[basil67]

I appreciate everybody's reply. You all make great points.

 

The yo-yoing is something I didn't even think about, but you guys are right about that. She completely yo-yo'd me and I'm not ok with that.

 

I didn't expect this girl to "use" me at all. Never knew her as that type of person, but I guess people's true colors come out eventually, and it makes a lot if sense that's exactly what she did, especially after reading your guys' responses. I was really thinking about calling her to apologize, but I'm re-thinking that now because maybe being upfront and direct helped me weed out her shady behavior? Didn't see this coming one bit.

 

It's entirely possible that she didn't intend to use you. However, when we are lonely or feeling less than ourselves, one's actions can be selfish. If her friends pointed out how her actions would be perceived, she may actually be shocked.

[Miss Peach]

Have you heard of the blogger Natalie Lue? She has a blog called Baggage Reclaim where she writes a ton on unavailable relationships.

 

She has a term called fallback girl (but it can also apply to a man). Basically someone who an ex falls back onto for an ego strong, money, etc. My guess here is she was looking for an ego stroke.

 

I found the blog very helpful to understand the dynamics.

[Conviction]

Have you heard of the blogger Natalie Lue? She has a blog called Baggage Reclaim where she writes a ton on unavailable relationships.

 

She has a term called fallback girl (but it can also apply to a man). Basically someone who an ex falls back onto for an ego strong, money, etc. My guess here is she was looking for an ego stroke.

 

I found the blog very helpful to understand the dynamics.

 

I've read a lot of her stuff on other topics, not on that particular subject though. I'm definitely going to check that out though. I'm interested to see the inner workings as well. Thanks for the recommendation!