Fungi Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 As background: We've been dating almost two years. For the most part he lives in my home with me and my father, though will occasionally return to his own home time-to-time if he works earlier shifts at his job. We were already having sex before dating and have continued it into the relationship. He does not want to have children and so the idea of pregnancy is scary to him. I understand and respect this. He wants a vasectomy, I've told him to go ahead. He hasn't done it and when we discussed he said it's because perhaps he'll change his mind and doesn't want to take away that chance for me if he does. I'm not on birth control, but recently offered to him I could start. We don't use condoms, which I also offered for us to do, but he said he would rather not. What's been happening is for two weeks now I know as fact he has been masturbating in my restroom. He'll disappear for at least an hour and then return. He's not a big hand washer anyway, so I can smell the scent of cum and his genitalia on his hands. I don't care that he masturbates. I asked him if he had, he says no. He does this nightly. For two weeks. For almost two months there's been no sex between us. When I sat with him to talk about it, he says it's because he's afraid of pregnancy. Hence why I suggested condoms or my doing birth control. Even if he still wanted to do a vasectomy, there's a means of getting them in which they can be later reversed (though I understand the cost would be an annoying factor). He says nothing about his feelings towards me have changed and he finds me very desirable. I believe this. It calmed me for a bit. But then he began lying daily. He'll jump up in the middle of us watching a show together and give no word why. I'll admit that I stooped pretty low and searched his website history on his phone. It's long lists of pornographic images, so I know it's happening. I don't mind that it is, what I mind is the need to not only lie about it but to make a large production of why he is going to the restroom. Among the websites were also Facebook searches of two of his ex girlfriends. This is what has truly set me in for being concerned. Honestly, it is probably nothing. He has been extremely stressed lately and I've been waiting to talk to him until his stress settles down, but in the meantime I constantly am having anxiety attacks. I've tried speaking with friends to calm me down. Their main thing is 'why lie?' but they also have said they think he really loves me. I don't want to believe he's cheating with ex-girlfriends. Even if he isn't, it's a little weird to fap to an ex's photo, don't you think? I am going to talk to him about it at some point after this week ends, but in the mean time I'm trying to think of how to word it. I wanted help knowing what to say and how to say it but also want to know if it is purely innocent, why lie about why you're masturbating at all? In all honesty, I'm praying it's just a means of coping with stress. Addendum: He's very open about speaking about sex and masturbation. Prior to me, he's had a large array of sexual partners though states he is always the faithful one. Myself, he is the second person I've ever been sexually intimate with. He's 24 while I'm 26. He was the one to convince me it was okay when speaking with him to even use the word 'sex' instead of saying things such as, "You know, that thing we did..." So I doubt that it's a shame of speaking about being a solo act sort of thing. Prior to this he used a flip phone -- this is his first smart phone. I'm missing the day he used the flip phone. :/
five2nine Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Don't tell him to get a vasectomy and expect it to be reversible at the snap of a finger. It's a serious operation and there is still a big chance it can't be reversed. It's not something you do on a whim. He could also be unlucky and get pvp (google it). He's 24, he won't be the same person at 34. Maybe he would be regretting it by then. If you love him you wouldn't push him to make such a serious decision. My 31 year old bf just had one done and it wasn't as simple as they make it sound (back to work in a day or two...not for him at all). I'm just glad he's okay. And I wasn't pushing him to do it at all. But it was something he really wanted to do and he knew he did not want kids. 3
h0000 Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Well first of all are you not afraid of being pregnant? Pleas done tell me "he pulls out so its safe " So very irresponsible of you two. Secondly ewwww not washing his hands? Just eewww...he has big hygiene problems And now most importantly he is not attracted to you anymore and unlikely he will be again. he's just 24, it's not like you guys have been married for 20 years.hmmmm, how long have you been together? I have a feeling it's not that long so I don't think his "love" is any deep. He is already losing interest. Talk to him but I think your relationship has run its course sorry 3
Els Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Why can't you guys at least have oral sex while you work on sorting out the pregnancy issues? Lots of people feel that oral sex pales in comparison to intercourse, which is fair enough, but I think most would agree that it's better than no sex at all. I can understand his fears of pregnancy, but the fact that he went straight to masturbating instead of trying to engage in other sexual activities with you (that have zero risk of pregnancy) is really concerning. 2
h0000 Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Realised you said 2 years. Well still think he lost interest
h0000 Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Why can't you guys at least have oral sex while you work on sorting out the pregnancy issues? Lots of people feel that oral sex pales in comparison to intercourse, which is fair enough, but I think most would agree that it's better than no sex at all. I can understand his fears of pregnancy, but the fact that he went straight to masturbating instead of trying to engage in other sexual activities with you (that have zero risk of pregnancy) is really concerning. Why would you believe he stop havin sex because he fears pregnancy? He's always feared pregnancy but it didn't stop him have sex with her at the beginning? Obviously he just isn't sexually attracted anymore and pregnancy is just an excuse
Author Fungi Posted September 20, 2016 Author Posted September 20, 2016 Don't tell him to get a vasectomy and expect it to be reversible at the snap of a finger. It's a serious operation and there is still a big chance it can't be reversed. It's not something you do on a whim. He could also be unlucky and get pvp (google it). He's 24, he won't be the same person at 34. Maybe he would be regretting it by then. If you love him you wouldn't push him to make such a serious decision. My 31 year old bf just had one done and it wasn't as simple as they make it sound (back to work in a day or two...not for him at all). I'm just glad he's okay. And I wasn't pushing him to do it at all. But it was something he really wanted to do and he knew he did not want kids. Your assumption that I suggested vasectomy is way off the mark. He is the one that has wanted one and said even before we dated he's been researching it since the age of twelve. A lot of our first six months of dating were me asking if he was sure he wanted to do that and I ended up researching it to see what it is he would be getting himself into. He's assured me he knows all the consequences and is fine with them whenever (if-ever) he gets around to getting one. I would much prefer he not as I want children, but it's his body and therefore his decision. If nothing else, I can always adopt. ---- @h0000 Wow. All of your posts are rude as hell. No, I'm not afraid of being pregnant. I have already had one miscarriage and while it briefly saddened me, I'm over it now. Doctor said it was a chemical pregnancy so I wasn't even very far along. It happened a month or two after having surgery for gallbladder removal this year. Yes, he's twenty-four, and therefore very young. I have multiple married friends that were wed at those ages and younger. He and I have lately actually been discussing marriage and he was the one to bring it up to begin with. It's very tentative, however, because (unlike my friends) I'd rather not rush into a marriage after only around two years of being together. His love is not being called into question, merely his honesty. This man has been there for me more than anyone else in my life and was quick to jump in and pay for the majority of my surgery costs without expect anything back. (Though, before you get mouthy again, he's received all that he spent with the exception of 300$ more that I will get to him in time.) Our relationship has been nothing but honest and loving and filled with little gifts from him to me or vice versa. As far as using the pregnancy fear as an excuse to not have sex, he's mentioned it as a fear even before we dated. Please know we've discussed sex and babies and all else besides in depth. His fear of pregnancy amped up a large amount after my miscarriage, so I'm not at all doubting the legitimacy of his current fears having been amplified.
Author Fungi Posted September 20, 2016 Author Posted September 20, 2016 Why can't you guys at least have oral sex while you work on sorting out the pregnancy issues? Lots of people feel that oral sex pales in comparison to intercourse, which is fair enough, but I think most would agree that it's better than no sex at all. I can understand his fears of pregnancy, but the fact that he went straight to masturbating instead of trying to engage in other sexual activities with you (that have zero risk of pregnancy) is really concerning. We did on one occasion a few days ago. Mostly because I followed him to the restroom and stopped him before he could shut the door and just went at it. lol He seemed pleased. Was the only night I didn't find him masturbating this past week.
Author Fungi Posted September 20, 2016 Author Posted September 20, 2016 Obviously he just isn't sexually attracted anymore and pregnancy is just an excuse Also, for the record (this is really TMI I suppose, but I enjoy proving you wrong), he's into BBW and SSBBW women. So even I had "let myself go" to become "unattractive", I doubt that's going to deter him. As far as I can tell, I'm still pretty darn fat. So naw. It's not a losing attraction issue.
Els Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 We did on one occasion a few days ago. Mostly because I followed him to the restroom and stopped him before he could shut the door and just went at it. lol He seemed pleased. Was the only night I didn't find him masturbating this past week. Well... I sorta meant him INITIATING oral sex, y'know? Wanting to go down on you on his own accord? Wanting to touch you and hold you. It just really concerns me that he's happy to throw your relationship's sex life into the ditch entirely just because he is worried about pregnancy.
Author Fungi Posted September 20, 2016 Author Posted September 20, 2016 (edited) Well... I sorta meant him INITIATING oral sex, y'know? Wanting to go down on you on his own accord? Wanting to touch you and hold you. It just really concerns me that he's happy to throw your relationship's sex life into the ditch entirely just because he is worried about pregnancy. I don't like receiving oral. He has initiated touching me and stuff. This is actually how this nonsense started. The very first day of it he was touching me and rubbing up on me and then he suddenly withdrew and ran off to the bathroom. Didn't speak a word to me until after, but I already knew why he'd run and what he'd been doing and it just sucked. That's when we had our first long talk. Since then he's just been making excuses to duck out and run to touch himself even if nothing sexual has been happening. EDIT: Actually, he's always the one that initiates sex. I stopped doing so because he generally says "not right now". I told him why I had stopped and he actually appreciated it. I'm the hornier one in the relationship while his own sex drive has always been fairly low. Edited September 20, 2016 by Fungi
Arieswoman Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 I agree with hoooo and you can call my post rude but this; He's not a big hand washer anyway, so I can smell the scent of cum and his genitalia on his hands. would gross me out and rule him out as b/f material. Doesn't he wash his hands after taking a dump ? 3
h0000 Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Also, for the record (this is really TMI I suppose, but I enjoy proving you wrong), he's into BBW and SSBBW women. So even I had "let myself go" to become "unattractive", I doubt that's going to deter him. As far as I can tell, I'm still pretty darn fat. So naw. It's not a losing attraction issue. Prove me wrong? You don't care about being pregnant with a man who doesn't want any kids, yeah, you call it responsible ? He has hygiene problems, you want to deny it? I don't want to jump to conclusions but a guy who doesn't wash his hands and likes super big women...hmm.... 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 I think this is a relatively simple case: he's lost interest. He is seeking out porn and his exes photos to stimulate him, probably because he's young and not ready to commit to only you forever. That's my guess. The fact that he won't have sex with you is a major red flag. I'm sorry, but I just don't believe it's all because of a fear of pregnancy.
joyful Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 i think that the only time a person in a relationship with a consistent sexual partner chooses regular masturbation over regular sexual contact with their partner is because the sex is not/no longer satisfying to them. i am not saying that your BF is losing interest in you per se, but something about sexual contact with you is not working for him right now. perhaps you can get him to open up and tell you specifically what that is? i def think this is more of a sex issue than a lying or pregnancy issue.
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