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Now what?? [My story is 7 years long.] [UPDATE: 3 weeks no contact]

Ithoughtwrong

By Ithoughtwrong
in The Other Man / Woman

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Ithoughtwrong Member

Ithoughtwrong

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My story is 7 years long. It started as a EA and of coarse lead to a PA which has been ongoing for 4 years out of 7. He was sweet kind and everything i didnt have in my H. My H is a outstanding man hea sweet and loves me so much but has no sex drive :(. I never want to leave him i was being greedy foolish and dumb. ( i already know this so save your judgment).

 

The MM i was envolved with was my best friend and also my husbands beat friend and nobody knows we never had a dd. Me and MM fight daily over everything he picks fights over everything and literally brings me to tears and than trlls me my tears dont mean anything.

 

After hes tired of fighting he comes back and tells me how sorry he is for all the damage he has caused and we have sex and im back on my cloud. Recently he picked a fight that hirt me so bad and apology was not enough he did everything he could to get me to forgive him and i just cant anymore.

 

Once he realized i wasnt budging he turned it around and said i am talking badly about him to people and i was sleeping with other men both are untrue but he told me hed leave me alone forever and it has been a week. I am MADD HURT and feeling dumb and foolish stupid but after all this hell i still miss him. He was such a good friend. When it was good it was great but when its bad its REALLY BAD. I feel like i shouldve excepted his apology and moved on but than i feel like he wouldve found something else to fight for. I feel like he wont contact me again and thats fine but how do I move on. I dont want closure i dont want anything i just want to be ok.

seren Established Member

seren

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A good friend doesn't hurt you, nor do they hurt those they are supposed to be friends with. He is supposed to be your husband's best friend too. Sounds like he gets off on the power the A gives him, get far away from him and try to realise that you are worth more. If you and your H are unhappy, then try to fix that or leave and begin a new life, we all only have one shot at happiness, doesn't sound as though you are very happy the way it is at the moment. Please want more for yourself, the MM isn't respecting either of you and is no friend.

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Noideanow Established Member

Noideanow

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you are playing with mm emotions (eventhough he seems to need i while being married himself yet interested in you), offcource he hates it, he cant have you all by himself- if you mean what you write about your husband stop playing with the other mans emotions:( it seems you are in denial:( you cant expect anything loving frem ´mm´ when "loving" someone else, you can expect only hurt and confusion and same goes for him. He has his wife you have your husband, and if you both claim to love them, try see if you have enough in them:bunny::love: should be? (you thought you could use ´mm´ for what your husband didnt give to you?, really not fair to play with a heart that way, eventhough he kind of ´deserves it being married himself:confused:, and maybe even being in denial the same way as you:() dont play with your own heart and his like this, tell the truth to everybody, so a solution will come, but first find out what you want and go for it:love:

Miss Clavel Established Member

Miss Clavel

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you are worth more. unfortunately, until you believe that you will allow people to treat you like ****.

 

no contact.

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Ithoughtwrong Member

Ithoughtwrong

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I almost broke NC its been one week i decided to post instead of breaking down. ::sigh::

 

I know i asked you not to contact me and I told you i cant take your mood swings anymore but i have to ask you some questions that are really bothering me. Why me was there something that you seen in me that you felt the need to destroy. All the i love yous and i wont hurt you and i have your back and i wont lie to you and your everything to me but.....yet here i am broken.

 

Why make me love you just to see how far you can push me over the deep end??? Did you mean any of the stuff you said or was everything a lie. I accepted you for who you was even past the insults and name calling and whenever i stuck up for myself you found ways to break me.

 

Im so confused im so hurt and i wish i never met you. The day i seen you in the store i wish id kept walking. You seemed so innocent but i can remember the literal red flags that went up when you said you wanted more from me.

Was it my strong personality and drive that you just knew you had to break. I know you dont owe me anything but its not fair i gave youmy heart and you gave me your ass to kiss.

 

 

I never asked for more than you can give and i wasmore than accomadating with every situation. Why me why did you do everything you could do and say to hurt me??why ****ing me

Edited by Ithoughtwrong
Yypos
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Tayla Established Member

Tayla

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Glad you were able to express this here. Be well and work on your marriage. Tend to something of value. An affair is rarely on the top ten list of how to preserve a marriage.,

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Bufo Established Member

Bufo

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Don't send it to AP. He will see it as another ego stroke to him. Wow- I meant that much to her. I must really be something to the ladies.

 

You already know he is an effing jerk. Deep down inside he knows it too. Telling him via this email isn't going to change him or provide you with that ever-elusive closure.

 

The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. Seek that indifference through continued NC. Make sure he is blocked on phone and social media as well as email and texting. And if you think of contacting him again just read your composition to remind yourself what a jerk he really is.

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Anne5113 Member

Anne5113

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Thoughtwrong,

 

I know exactly what the why me? you are experiencing feels like. It's more like what did I do to make you hate me enough to do this? It would have been someone else if you hadn't made the mistakes you made ignoring those red flags. You were probably at a vulnerable point and his interest in you was just so right on time that you closed your eyes. It wasn't a personal attack to destroy you, he just has some major brokenness himself. His attention felt so nice, that you began to believe he gave you validation on your worth. Now he is treating you totally different & you feel that pain of believing you are what he thinks & feels about you now. Don't buy that crap!! It will keep you feeling destroyed twice as long. I hope that you have someone that can support you through this. What your feeling really is self-inflicted, it will take time but you are not destroyed.

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sadsickandscared Member

sadsickandscared

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Those questions are so understandable but not for a text message. Maybe if he is a caring guy you might get the chance to ask if you ever see each other again. I did and it was actually lovely, and got some closure in a way. But before I did I sent a lot of texts I shouldn't have that I cant take back. And trust me I wish I could.

 

 

Texts can be misread can be misunderstood and in black and white the responses can hurt you so much.

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Cloudcuckoo Established Member

Cloudcuckoo

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I hope writing out that message made you feel a little better...

 

It can be cathartic just seeing those words, and reading them back to yourself will show you why you're never likely to get any response from that man that will give you any reason, if a response at all.

 

Not sending it was such a rational, self preservative thing to do. Keep it for a little while. Read it a few times before you trash it. Just to remind yourself what a sensible thing it was to shed the weight of him and let him stew in his own evident self absorbed mire...

 

Good luck moving forward to better things, and well done, that really was a shrewd move writing that out AND NOT sending it.

 

Cuckoo

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Ithoughtwrong Member

Ithoughtwrong

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I absolutely did not send it i am NOT breaking NC he did yesterday and text my husband to see how we are doing. Thanks for the support this website has been my lifeline during this entire ordeal. When i met him i was dealing with alot. I had lost my eldest sister she was 28 i was 20 i had a newborn and my husband didnt want to touch me and i was trying to build a relationship with my father who i never knew and he pretty much decided he wanted nothing to do with me. He came in like a knight in shining armor. He tried to do everything he could to make me happy he still does!! But than he goes through these moodswings and becomes irrational and takes my words wrong and lashes out in seconds i have to walk on eggshells and some of the arguements i try but cannot avoid and than he says the most hurtful things than tells me hes sorry and didnt mean to hurt me and if i dont forgive him immidiatly he say more hurtful things. I just cant take the ups and downs anymore. I want out but it hurts.

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awkward Established Member

awkward

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If he was being honest, his answer would be ... because you allowed me to.

 

Don't allow him to hurt you anymore.

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Jersey born raised Established Member

Jersey born raised

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Because he is a weak and broken man.

 

Your relationship with him is based on him being the KISA. Without this dynamic there is no relationship. To keep the relationship he needs you to stay broken. Do not be surprised if he contacts your husband in an effort to break you.

 

There are always three other relationships involved when a spouse becomes a WS. The BS, the children and the marriage itself. All three are damaged and may be destroyed. Are you preparing for the fall out?

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Ithoughtwrong Member

Ithoughtwrong

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Day 9 i want to call him so badly

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sunburned Established Member

sunburned

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Congrats for coming here instead, again! This place is littered with posters who deeply regret sending emotional texts and emails. I guarantee he will only read "blah blah blah." And his take away will be "I'm the man."

 

You will only inflate his ego with that text. He is your addiction and you need a "hit." People break themselves of drugs and alcohol by quitting, detoxing, suffering and finally healing. Sending that missive will only set you back into being a user again. A few more weeks of suffering and you are bound to feel a lot better. In another few months you will be your old self but ONLY if you stop feeding your addiction. And you've done it so far, so congratulations! Don't spoil your progress.

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Ithoughtwrong Member

Ithoughtwrong

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Congrats for coming here instead, again! This place is littered with posters who deeply regret sending emotional texts and emails. I guarantee he will only read "blah blah blah." And his take away will be "I'm the man."

 

You will only inflate his ego with that text. He is your addiction and you need a "hit." People break themselves of drugs and alcohol by quitting, detoxing, suffering and finally healing. Sending that missive will only set you back into being a user again. A few more weeks of suffering and you are bound to feel a lot better. In another few months you will be your old self but ONLY if you stop feeding your addiction. And you've done it so far, so congratulations! Don't spoil your progress.

 

 

Thanks so much everyone for your advice im just having a really bad day.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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Its incredibly therapeutic to write about how you are feeling.

 

It played a huge part in my healing.

 

I highly recommend it.

 

 

Take care.

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Ithoughtwrong Member

Ithoughtwrong

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Its incredibly therapeutic to write about how you are feeling.

 

It played a huge part in my healing.

 

I highly recommend it.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Thanks i will try it i want to be angry but my need for him is begening to over power my anger:(

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Ithoughtwrong Member

Ithoughtwrong

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Im having such a hard time today yeesterday i broke down and almost sent him a text. Iam posting here just tostop myself from calling him. I never thought of this r as A addiction but i am literally going through withdrawl. I was right about him not contacting me which is making it harder cause i really thought i meant more to him. He told me i meant everything to him. This NC has forced me to deal with the harsh reality that to him im worthless. My back storey is to long to type eapecially on my phone.

 

To sum it up he is 17 years older than me a MM with 4 children by his wife. He and his wife were me and my H best friends. We got to close and started an EA and it turned to a PA for almost 4 years. We had way too many ups and downs hes emotionally unstable and says whatever he wants to me when upset and has hurt me 1 too many times. No dday but im finally over it. When its good its great but when its bad its horrible.me and my husband get along great just no sex idk why maybe hes not physically attracted to me which i accept cause im not all that great looking .

 

I know for sure i need counseling but i cannot afford it im a mess.this A has cauaed me to hate myself and not trust anyone except my H who is the only person who hasnt thrown me away. And look what ive done to him. I could never tell him he would be ao hurt. Im so dumb

grassisorisntgreener Established Member

grassisorisntgreener

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You are not worthless. You are also not dumb. You made some bad choices. You now have the opportunity to turn everything around.

 

It's going to be okay. You have got to stop beating yourself up.

 

Will you still have to see MM? Did he say why he ended it?

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Ithoughtwrong Member

Ithoughtwrong

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You are not worthless. You are also not dumb. You made some bad choices. You now have the opportunity to turn everything around.

 

It's going to be okay. You have got to stop beating yourself up.

 

Will you still have to see MM? Did he say why he ended it?

 

I wont see him anywhere we are pretty much enemies he turned his whole family against me. I cut it off cause he picked a unsesary fight with me and tols me he didnt care about me anymore so i ended and he begged me to forgive but i was so beyond hurt i said no so he said a whole bunch of hirtful things and than blocked me. He text my husbamd laat week and apoligized for alll the pain he has caused our family. Thats it weve been fighting for 3 weeks but NC foe about 12 days. He usually breaks the NC but this time it seems pretty final i hope so id rather hirr now tjan keep hurting over and over later over the things he aays and does to me. I feel so low but i am trying with everything in me to not break the NC. I feel lioe thia time it went too far and too many people weee envolved

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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You have to block him, and delete his number and other addresses, if you want to do NC properly.

 

Half measures aren't enough.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

Edited by Satu
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grassisorisntgreener Established Member

grassisorisntgreener

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You said you didn't have a dday (I think?) but now everyone has turned against you? I'm confused.

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Ithoughtwrong Member

Ithoughtwrong

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You said you didn't have a dday (I think?) but now everyone has turned against you? I'm confused.

 

His family and my family are all close no dday we just got into a bad fight and no one knows how deep it actually goes but him and i. Everyone else thinks its 2 friends having an issue

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Ithoughtwrong Member

Ithoughtwrong

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I have done all of that now im in my process which hurts like hell

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