HarryCPH Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 For a few months I’ve been dating this girl. We meet just before the summer started, so we’ve both been on vacation and didn’t really get a chance to meet that often during the first few weeks, but we’ve bene texting most days. A few dates in we talked about our dating history. She said that she rarely used tinder, had only been on a few dates, I was the first one she had been on more than two dates with in a long time. The last guy she saw was a year ago, they dated for a rather long time. So I never really thought it would be necessary to talk about being exclusive, I just assumed that she took it serious as well (which is somewhat my fault as well for jsut asuming). Now it turns out that she kept on seeing her ex after they split up and that they became FWB. Not that I really care about her having a FWB, but they have been sleeping together after we started dating (apparently only once). This happened after we had been dating for 1½ months and 7-8 dates in, we’ve been sleeping together since the 3rd date. Just to clarify the timeline here: We had been dating for 1½ months when she slept with her ex. I found out about it two weeks later and confronted her about it and it has been two weeks more. I do really like her, we have a great chemistry and a lot of things in common. Even though we were not exclusive, I just feel like what she did was wrong, lying to me and sleeping with someone else. Indead of just being upfront with me, so that I would have asked her to be exclusive. The problem is that I’ve begun to doubt whatever I see any potential with this girl. The fact that she still had the need or wants to see him, even though we were together two days prior, which is my biggest problem. Had it been after the first or second date, I would't have cared about it at all. She said was very sorry about seeing her ex, she thought it was a huge mistake and she have started to like me a lot since then (not sure what could have changed her mind In those two weeks?). She said that at the time she was not sure whatever I liked her or not, was unsecure about our relationship and whatever I actually wanted to keep seeing her (we already had the next date planed). I don’t really get it, instead of just asking me whatever I liked her, she chose to sleep with her ex? If we are talking every day and I’m asking about when she have time to meet me, that would be a good indication that I liked her, right? Some part of me really likes her and I want to keep seeing her. But on the other hand I’m not sure whatever I trust her and the fact that she slept with her ex is not really coping with me either. Do you think I just need to give it some more time and it will be better? Have anyone ever been in a situation like this before, did you manage to recover or should I just break it off with her now and move on?
jen1447 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Did she say if she intends to keep sleeping w her ex?
Vado Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 She's lying, for me that would be the real dealbraker. Even if you guys become exclusive and become boy- and girlfriend, when there is a disagreement or arguing about something, big chance she goes to her ex again as a form of revanche. Let her go. 1
Author HarryCPH Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 No, she said that she wouldn't see him, if we were actually dating. She told me that she broke if off with him.
Author HarryCPH Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 Did she say if she intends to keep sleeping w her ex? No, she said that she wouldn't see him, if we were actually dating. She told me that she broke if off with him.
rester Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 This would be a dealbreaker for me. I'd break it off and move on. 2
stillafool Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 So it seems you two were only FWBs and she needed extra sex (even though she had it with you) and sought out her ex. TBH, she hasn't done anything wrong. She is not in a relationship with you other than FWB, so is therefore free to have sex with others. She probably has a very high sex drive and her ex knows how to please her. If you have a problem with her you are always free to stop seeing her and see others.
smackie9 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 It's not right or wrong, it depends if you are OK with it and that you trust her word. Me I would have a problem with it because well that is just me. If I'm seeing someone I wouldn't be multi dating shackin up with some other person just to have an itch scratched a little better and I would expect the same with the person I am dating. Call me old fashioned. 2
Methodical Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 There had been no talk about exclusivity. I doubt many ppl would reveal they were having a FWB arrangement six weeks into a non-exclusive dating situation. There are posts all over this forum about dating someone for a few months and then being ghosted or faded on. The breakdown here was an assumption on your part and uncertainty on hers. The cards are on the table now. Make your decision accordingly.
Author HarryCPH Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 I'm reading all your messages. I know it's a grey area, that's why I'm here looking for some advice, because I still can't make up my mind whatever to continue seeing her or jsut break it off with her. I'm not sure whatever I'm okay with her doing that, and whatever I will ever be. There had been no talk about exclusivity. I doubt many ppl would reveal they were having a FWB arrangement six weeks into a non-exclusive dating situation. Dont get me wrong, had it been me in the same sitation I don't think I would have mentioned that it was a FWB either. I would just have expected her to at least tell me that she was still dating to let me know that I would have to make it exclusive with her, if the thought of her with someone else bothered me.
jen1447 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 No, she said that she wouldn't see him, if we were actually dating. She told me that she broke if off with him. Hm. Well for one thing it wasn't a mistake, and what she's sorry about is how you reacted. You can never know for sure but my guess is she'll keep sleeping w him anyway, bc it's obvs meeting a sexual need she has. Either that or she'll stop sleeping w him and feel sexually dissatisfied, which while the 1st part might sound good for you, the 2nd isn't. Thing is while most ppl would see this as a total deal-breaker you don't seem to, so I guess what I'd evaluate if I were you is if you can handle her having a secondary - preferably w her admitting that's what she wants and doing it above board. If it actually is a dealbreaker for you then eh, I doubt you'll really be able to trust her not to sleep around, all things considered. When that happens it's usually not an 'accident' - it's a lifestyle. 2
Methodical Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Dont get me wrong, had it been me in the same sitation I don't think I would have mentioned that it was a FWB either. I would just have expected her to at least tell me that she was still dating to let me know that I would have to make it exclusive with her, if the thought of her with someone else bothered me. This is a continuous loop situation. She could have just as easily thought that you weren't that serious about her bc you hadn't mentioned exclusivity after six weeks of dating. I still say make your decision based on the cards on the table instead of assumptions. If you can't move past this, break up. If you really like her and see where you both could have been more clear, give it a go if you'd like.
joyful Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Unfortunately, this may be one of those situations that you can't resolve with logic. You may find that over time your feelings fade. I would suggest that you be attentive to that. And, if you still feel enthusiastic, excited, connected, then see where the relationship can go once you agree to be exclusive.
BluesPower Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Well is she just another girl or are you falling in love? Next, do you want to be exclusive and monogamous with her? That may be a problem, do you think she wants that? Jen, I think is saying that she may not want that, and she really knows her stuff, so listen to her a lot. You know if she lied, and I guess maybe she did, that is an issue. May be a little gray, but it would be an issue. Lying is never good. Sorry, but this one is tough. Talk to her and see where she is at. And really talk about all of it. The sex between you two, sex in general, you know everything. Good luck and let us know how it's going...
bubbaganoosh Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 If it's me, I move on and let her go. You've been dating her for a short time now and in my opinion, she's shown you her cards as to what type of person she is so break it off before you get more involved with her and it gets worse. If you have a hard time trusting her now then it's not worth staying. 2
Stercrazy Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 It depends on whether or not you can get past her sleeping with her ex. Although I'm sure it hurt you I don't think what she did was all that wrong per say. First you guys were just dating without a discussion about being exclusive.....so both of you were still considered"single". Secondly you're comparing a long term relationship she had with her ex to short term dating with you. Third...she didn't lie to you. You confronted her and she told you. And then she wanted to continue dating you.... that's good isn't it? I think you should take it day by day and if any red flags pop up you will know it. Other then that just let things grow naturally.
Author HarryCPH Posted September 20, 2016 Author Posted September 20, 2016 Hm. Well for one thing it wasn't a mistake, and what she's sorry about is how you reacted. … Thing is while most ppl would see this as a total deal-breaker you don't seem to, so I guess what I'd evaluate if I were you is if you can handle her having a secondary - preferably w her admitting that's what she wants and doing it above board. Yeah I’ll never know for sure whatever she was just sorry for me finding out about it or actually sorry about sleeping with him. She did say it felt weird about seeing him but something about wanting to see him as well, can’t remember exactly what she said. I would never except her, seeing someone else if it was serious. Maybe She’s still seeing him, I can’t really know for sure unless I check her phone. Well is she just another girl or are you falling in love? Next, do you want to be exclusive and monogamous with her? That may be a problem, do you think she wants that? Well she did tell me that she would never see anyone else, if we were dating. From the way she said it, I’m pretty sure she actually meant it. I fell like I know her well enough at this point, to say that for sure. Well that’s the problem, I don’t think she’s just another girl (maybe I’m just to forgiving and naïve). If I hadn’t liked her this much, I would never have continued to see her. She is really sweet and we do have a really good chemistry. Third...she didn't lie to you. You confronted her and she told you. Well she didn’t hesitate to tell me about when I asked her. But she did lie about not seeing anyone else. I just feel like this could have been avoided if she had just been honest and told me that she was seeing someone else. Had I know I would have told her much earlier that I really liked her and whatever this was exclusive or not. I was jsut worried about comming off to strong and ending up scaring her away. Knowing that she didn't see anyone else, I just wanted to take it slowly (but not casually).
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