DamagedHeart1 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 (edited) Please help... I'm going through a break up....well we broke up about a month ago and it was my choice to end the relationship...a choice I regret every single day. I thought I was OK...that in time I would get over it...but I can't..one minute I'm fine and the next I'm a crumbling mess that can't pull myself out of bed. The breakup was so stupid in hindsight...a lot of little things building up till I exploded and I keep thinking I should have just talked about everything but I get anxious with things like that To make matters worse iv slept with somebody else in the meantime ...and now I feel stuck in a rut with no way forward or back....but I'm longing to go back because I love him and I can't get over him...I'm haunted by him My 5 year old son just asked me did I miss him...I told him I did...and he said sometimes life isn't fair and the people we love won't love us back...then he bowed his head and said he missed him too. How can he be so smart and see the things I couldn't... They ask about him everyday and my heart sinks a little lower each time...I try to be stronger for them but I can't and they've saw me fall apart. I had contact with him a while ago...a bit of back and forth but to be fair I have no solid explanation or excuse for what I've done and he believes there's nothing more to talk about. This man is an amazing person...I never felt about anyone they way I did about him I dunno why I flipped or how to mend my now broken home. I long to bring the happiness back to me and my kids lives but there's no replacing the happiness he brought us.. What do I do...I can't cope Edited September 19, 2016 by DamagedHeart1
bathtub-row Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 You must've had a good reason for doing what you did. Are you sure you're remembering things correctly? Btw, I'm sure you're hurting and I'm really sorry about that but you have got to get a handle on yourself when your kids are around. They don't need to see you fall apart. It makes them feel insecure. Even if they genuinely miss the guy, they'll be ok as long as they believe you're going to be ok. 1
Author DamagedHeart1 Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 I may have had my reasons for the break up but not really for what I did after...it could have been sorted or salvaged and now iv lost everything It's easier said than done to just pull yourself together. He practically rared the kids so they have effectively lost a parent who very much took on a fatherly role in their lives. I would love more than anything to be able to tell them I'll be OK but I know I won't...I'm at war with myself and it's my own fault....gutwrenching 1
Toodaloo Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Well what is done is done. If you carry on being dramatic about it then it will only get worse. You say that you don't want to make the same mistakes again. So learn your lesson and don't. Time to start accepting that you are not perfect and instead of bashing yourself over the head start making changes so that you are the person you want to be. Keep it in your pants for the time being and take some time out to yourself to heal, forgive yourself and make those changes you want to make in order to be a better person. Crying and blabbering "woe is me" when you have not handled things well and you know it isn't going to make a blind bit of difference. Saying to yourself that you need to sort out your communication skills then doing something about it... Now that is doing something productive that will change both your life and improve your future either with or with out this guy. 5
Author DamagedHeart1 Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 That's all very true and I know I have a lot of soul searching to do and a lot of improvements to make within myself.... "Keeping it in my pants" won't be a problem I have no intention of sleeping around it was just a stupid afterthought. I can't even begin to imagine my life without this guy but maybe your right I need to be on my own 2
Toodaloo Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Go on Amazon or into your local Waterstones and treat yourself to some self help books on dating, charisma, communication skills and that sort of thing. Learn about yourself. Then if you get jitters again later you will be far better able to deal with it and far more empowered to make the right decisions that do not leave you feeling like a complete mess and insecure... Its easy to turn to a rebound guy to try and fill a gap when you are hurting. Never actually helps though and just leaves you feeling more empty and disgusted with yourself as you have learnt. Time to stop doing this to yourself. Try to get hold of the 5 love languages as well. They also do an edition for children which could help. Forgive yourself. Yes you have been an idiot but you can't undo the past all you can do is learn and make a better future. 3
Satu Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 I can't help but think that there's more to this. Why did you really end the relationship? What led up to the breakup, in the preceding weeks and months? Why did you choose to have sex with someone immediately after the breakup? Have you had difficulty regulating your emotions prior to these recent events? A bit more detail would be helpful. Take care. 1
Author DamagedHeart1 Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 Lots of little things...it's hard to explain...like I found it hard to talk to him without getting crap in return. Like if something he did annoyed me and I tried to tell him I didn't like it there would be an argument so I started saying nothing and then it all built up. Really little things that in the grand scheme of things don't seem that important. We had been planning to have children which was what I wanted and I had been egging it all on and then when the time came to try I started to doubt whether or not I wanted more or not. The 2 I have aren't his and I was afraid another to another man and if it didn't work out I'd be alone with 3 kids...and he wants children so I couldn't begrudge him that....now I'd do anything to still be with him and trying for a baby. I can't understand why the idea freaked me out so much...if anybody is an ideal candidate to be a father it's this guy. Totally baffled by myself...ashamed and disgusted and broken 1
Toodaloo Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Lots of little things...it's hard to explain...like I found it hard to talk to him without getting crap in return. Like if something he did annoyed me and I tried to tell him I didn't like it there would be an argument so I started saying nothing and then it all built up. Really little things that in the grand scheme of things don't seem that important. We had been planning to have children which was what I wanted and I had been egging it all on and then when the time came to try I started to doubt whether or not I wanted more or not. The 2 I have aren't his and I was afraid another to another man and if it didn't work out I'd be alone with 3 kids...and he wants children so I couldn't begrudge him that....now I'd do anything to still be with him and trying for a baby. I can't understand why the idea freaked me out so much...if anybody is an ideal candidate to be a father it's this guy. Totally baffled by myself...ashamed and disgusted and broken Those things are not all that little. The reason why it freaked you out is because you know how stressed you get and how difficult it is raising a child and if you two were unable to talk about the little stupid little things with out it blowing up how on earth would you have dealt with the bigger things let alone with a baby screaming in the back ground and the car needing repairs and the electric bill coming in higher than expected and when you are feeling rotten because you have a cold? Because that is LIFE! That is reality! if you can't get through the small stuff and work as a team how the heck are you going to get through the big stuff? Shagging the other guy was probably just a vain attempt to make yourself feel better some how, any how. Because splitting up with people HURTS! You are entitled to hurt as well... We have all tried the "get over someone by getting under someone else" and we all learn at some point that it doesn't work... This was just your turn. With these little extra ditties of information I am going to suggest that you google Matthew Hussey and Natalie Lue... Both do books you can buy if you like but they also do free advice and self help stuff too that you will find useful. This guy? Don't worry. It wasn't going to work. The guy for you is still out there so while its all a mess now? Its good stuff because its keeping you free and single for the right one. Forgive yourself. Yes you could have handled it differently but the result is as it should be and none of us is perfect. 1
Author DamagedHeart1 Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 That's just it though I don't want to be free and single I just want my family back...work on the small stuff and make it right...it's just out of my hands now... 1
Toodaloo Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 That's just it though I don't want to be free and single I just want my family back...work on the small stuff and make it right...it's just out of my hands now... When you raised it he would blow it out of proportion... It doesn't get better when people are like that, it just gets worse. You might want to work on it and sort it out but he doesn't, never has and likely never will. You have your child. You have your family. Time to find someone that suits you both better. And you will. It will happen. Its hard when you end it to see the bad as we all tend to think of the good during our grieving process. Give yourself time and read those self help books/ you tube clips etc. This guy would have dragged you down. He WAS dragging you down. That is probably why you acted the way you did because on a subconscious level you already knew - you just didn't want to give up the "dream" or admit it to yourself. Its hard. Lord knows its hard. Going through it myself right now as are many others. But this man was not for you. It was a mismatch. You will miss him for a while. And that is OK. You just have to work through it. You are blaming yourself but the more you divulge the more I see this as a two way thing. You are not all to blame here. But you do now have to let it go. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Please help... I'm going through a break up....well we broke up about a month ago and it was my choice to end the relationship...a choice I regret every single day. I thought I was OK...that in time I would get over it...but I can't..one minute I'm fine and the next I'm a crumbling mess that can't pull myself out of bed. The breakup was so stupid in hindsight...a lot of little things building up till I exploded and I keep thinking I should have just talked about everything but I get anxious with things like that To make matters worse iv slept with somebody else in the meantime ...and now I feel stuck in a rut with no way forward or back....but I'm longing to go back because I love him and I can't get over him...I'm haunted by him My 5 year old son just asked me did I miss him...I told him I did...and he said sometimes life isn't fair and the people we love won't love us back...then he bowed his head and said he missed him too. How can he be so smart and see the things I couldn't... They ask about him everyday and my heart sinks a little lower each time...I try to be stronger for them but I can't and they've saw me fall apart. I had contact with him a while ago...a bit of back and forth but to be fair I have no solid explanation or excuse for what I've done and he believes there's nothing more to talk about. This man is an amazing person...I never felt about anyone they way I did about him I dunno why I flipped or how to mend my now broken home. I long to bring the happiness back to me and my kids lives but there's no replacing the happiness he brought us.. What do I do...I can't cope I understand that it's difficult. You made the decision and now you have to put on your big girl pants and start focusing on your children and ensuring that their mother is "all there" for them and be an example for them. They need their mother to be strong. You can't go back. All you can do is move forward and look to the future for the sake of your children. There are ways to manage grief. Some people find it helpful to set aside a time each day, say half and hour, sit with their emotions and allow them to come to the surface. At the end of that time, they simply force themselves to get up and do things that need to be done. It's about resolve and accepting what's done is done. If you do it a little bit at time, you won't get overwhelmed and caught up in ruminating/dwelling. It's like a tea kettle letting off steam so it doesn't boil over. After a while, you'll find that you need less and less time for that. You need to grieve, but don't overwhelm yourself. I dunno why I flipped or how to mend my now broken home -- You exploded because you weren't communicating effectively with your partner when things were bothering you. That is common problem and something you really need to address for yourself. Lots of women just bury things that need to be talked about because, well, sometimes the subject or problem is difficult. Sometimes they do that so as not to bother the partner and manage their emotions for them, etc. Sometimes they are scared of the partner for some reason and feel they can't go to them. These are things you need to evaluate for yourself. If you buried things because you felt your partner was unapproachable, reacted poorly to issues in the relationship, then you haven't lost anything. That would be a poor environment for the kids anyway. Schedule some play dates for your kids and socialize with the other mothers. You may find some solace, advice and insight there. What's done is done. You need to keep moving forward. Learn to be a secure, independent woman. Learn to embrace being single and standing on your own two feet. It can be a liberating experience. 1
Author DamagedHeart1 Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 As much as I'm taking everything on board that you all have to say..me and him weren't a mismatch...we were compatible in almost every way...he was and still is the first person I thought of in the morning and before I went to sleep...he helped me through so much and I love him I'll always love him. Yes we had communication issues but in the long run if that was our only problem we still had a pretty solid relationship and iv just flushed it down the toilet....he didn't drag me down he very much brought out the best in me....I bring myself down....I feel dirty and have never been lower in my life but thank you all for trying to help
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