BennyM Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Hi, Im actually overwhelmed right now as I didnt know the concept of a narcissist before breaking up with my ex. I would really value your opinion! I`ve been doing some re-search and I keep bumping into words like hoovering, triangulation and discard. I think I`ve experienced all of those by now, cause I feel like crap and Im just very confused. So I was in a relationship with her for 2 years. She was nice to me for the first 3-4 months and then started changing bit by bit. We could never have an adult argument or debate, cause she always started yelling at me, almost raging so to say. She craved for attention all the time. I gave and did a lot for her and it was always me doing her favours, but never getting anything in return. It was always about her. I cant actually remember a single time her asking me if I wanted something. Even the smallest things. And I settled for it. She told me almost daily or at least weekly that she loves me, but realizing now she never DID anything to show me that she loved me. We barely even had sex after the first 6 months, maybe once a month, but she did give me pleasure in other ways. And she did it a lot. Im guessing that was her way to keep me hooked. She always criticized for everything I did, always disagreed on everything I said and I caught her lying many times. She was very beautiful and seductive and she got me hooked instantly. I was just never strong enough to end the relationship. Not up until 5 months ago when I really couldn`t take it anymore. I broke up with her and went no contact. She didn`t seem like she cared a bit. After a couple of weeks she called me, but I didnt answer. I started thinking that maybe she missed me and started having regrets so I called her back and somehow we ended up meeting each other. I dont know what triggers she pulled, but I was hooked again and immediately she pulled away. She said she needs time and wanted to stay friends for now and I like the fool I was kept trying to get her back. Sometimes I got a text from her saying "I miss you" and then not hearing anything from her for a week. After about a month I went no contact. I told her I can`t give her time and stay friends. So I blocked her facebook, unfollowed her instagram and deleted her number. I had lost my appetite, lost my self esteem and really felt devalued. I did hit rock bottom. 3 weeks after initiating no contact I bumped into her in a club. She told me how good I looked and we had a little chat, but I quickly realized I had to get away from her fast. So I politely wished her a good evening and walked away. She walked near me and passed me by many times and she stared me in the eyes while doing it. I didnt react in any of those, tried to be calm and composed. We anyway somehow got into a conversation again or it was more of an argument where we were both yelling at each other and blaming each other. She said things like "I thought you gave me the time I was asking for" and "I was very stressed out when we broke up, but now all the pieces in my life are coming back together". And in the middle of the argument she just suddenly walked away saying good night. That was about 2,5 months ago and that was the last I`ve heard from her. I haven`t broken the NC rule although I was very close many times. I`ve had my weak moments when I almost unblocked her facebook or sent her a message but I haven`t. I do miss her a lot. Two weeks ago my friend saw her in a club with some guy. She asked my friend if I was there. Later on my friend saw her making out with that guy. And it didn`t feel good hearing that. A week from that, last week, my friend saw her again in the club with the same guy. Only this time she talked to my friend telling him how much she loves me and misses me and kept asking him if I`ve missed her. She then started crying and kept telling him how much she loves me. The craziest part is that the new guy was standing right next to them and he must`ve heard them. This happened a week ago and Im now very confused again. I want to believe those words and it felt good hearing that she was crying and saying that she loves me, but I cant help thinking that this is just all part of her games and manipulations. Is this all just "hoovering" to make me break no contact so she would just discard me again? I mean she has my number. Why haven`t she called or reach out for me? The first time I saw her in the club after initiating no contact and us arguing, she was drunk. The time my friend saw her kissing the new guy, she was most probably drunk. And last time when she was crying to my friend she probably was drunk too. Those all happened in a club, thus my assumption. And knowing her, she must have felt so ashamed and embarrassed next morning cause all she ever cared was how she looked and what people thought of her. Her God-like ego probably took a hit now that she put her self so down and reached out to me through my friend. Reading my story, what do you think? Is she a narcissist and is this all just a facade that I should look pass by? I want to believe she really misses me and loves me, but it says in all the articles that narcissists cant love And also that nothing a narcissist does is random. Its all calculated and well planned. That gives me some peace tho as then it means that her making out with a guy in front of my friend wasn`t random. She knew he saw and was just trying to make me jealous. Im now 3 months into no contact, but just this morning I almost broke down. Im glad I didnt. I just want this to end. I want her out of my head and go on with my life. And if she is a narc, maybe its this NC that is driving her crazy and making her hoover through my friends? Her pride would take a hit if she actually contacted me her self? If that`s the case it`s kinda sick. I know she`s bad news and not good for me, but I still miss her. Maybe something wrong with me too.
Nowty V Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 (edited) You can't miss her because you never knew 'Her', only what she chose to show you and that was selective. You have an attachment to the 'other things' she used to do to you to keep you on board. She is as nutty as a fruitcake, what flavour of nutty she is who knows, who cares? Fixating on her is soooo unhealthy.... Use clubs in another part of town, move, do anything but amputate her from your head or you will end up ill and unhappy. She's a player and you're just the game. Run, Run, as fast as you can, don't look back... or you'll be sorry. Stop making things up about her in your mind, stop filling the gaps in the story with assumptions... just stop ... and run away Edited September 19, 2016 by Nowty V 4
Author BennyM Posted September 20, 2016 Author Posted September 20, 2016 You can't miss her because you never knew 'Her', only what she chose to show you and that was selective. You have an attachment to the 'other things' she used to do to you to keep you on board. She is as nutty as a fruitcake, what flavour of nutty she is who knows, who cares? Fixating on her is soooo unhealthy.... Use clubs in another part of town, move, do anything but amputate her from your head or you will end up ill and unhappy. She's a player and you're just the game. Run, Run, as fast as you can, don't look back... or you'll be sorry. Stop making things up about her in your mind, stop filling the gaps in the story with assumptions... just stop ... and run away I hear ya. Thanks for the eye opening reply. This truly has been an emotional roller coaster ride. So 100 % NC is the only way to go then.
smudge21 Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 You say yourself that the whole relationship was about her so why act surprised that the break-up should also not be totally about her. She loves and lives by that ego boost of being wanted. When you back away, she comes running.. right up until she has you showing attention (whether that's wanting her or arguing with her, either shows emotion and therefore feeds the ego), and then she walks again, her ego fed for now. Do your best to stay total no contact and advise your friends to avoid her as well. Any info on an ex only holds us back. She made her choice and won't change anytime soon. Whilst you're thinking about her, other, better people are walking past you.
elaine567 Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Who cares if she is a narcissist or not? She may be or she may be just a bit immature or she may be just saw through your weaknesses and exploited them, she may be a dominant character and used her dominance to control you, she may be just someone who loved the idea of love but really had no idea what true love actually entails...etc. Who knows?? There is IMO too much throwing around of serious mental disorders and labelling of exes as "crazy", when people split up. Truth is people in bad relationships rarely act stable, but when they get out of that bad relationship or get with someone who truly floats their boat, they often become completely "normal". The problem you have here is NOT whether SHE was this or that, it is about what YOU are and why did you allow her to treat you so badly? In 6 months she will be gone from your life basically, but then you are still left with YOU. If you do not figure out YOU, then you are destined to repeat the same mistakes time and time again. People who end up being mistreated in relationships with toxic people and "users" are often "people pleasers". 2
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