clandestinidad Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 My boyfriend and I went somewhere this past weekend. We had a great time, got closer, la-dee-da. So then last night I find out that we're not going to see each other for a few days. I cant help but think its a case of 'alright, i've had enough of you so I dont want to see you for a while' So, I told him that it kinda bothers me to have a great time like that and get closer, and then be apart like that...and that it kinda breaks the closeness we had. He just says rude comments like "oh God, your worlds gonna end if we dont see each other for a few days!?!?" saying that I'm smothering and desperate and stuff. Then just a little while ago I told him about it again, and he got rude, and said that I need to "grow up" and "get some responsibility", and kept saying he had to go, then hung up on me. The thing is, I dont even whine or act pathetic when I tell him, and he says things like that! It makes me wonder if something's wrong with me....is it wrong to want/expect to keep the closeness, and spend time together after such a great weekend? I mean, I'd be fine it it was a day off, then together, then off again...like spread out, ya know...we dont have to be together EVERYday! Why would someone make me feel guilty or weird for wanting to be w/ him?!?! I keep hearing stories about s***t9 girlfriends who string people along and treat 'em like crap, and then here I am, a good one...and I feel like I'm just wasting it on him. He says rude things pretty much every time I tell him how I feel. I know its not healthy for me....I got depressed again not too long ago, and when it gets bad (arguing about how I feel and his rude comments about it) it gets to a point where I cant handle it anymore and have to fight with everything in me to keep from hurting myself...its all internal, though, I havent flown off the handle and hit him or thrown anything at him....I just reach my stress limit and want to release it w/ pain....God this is embarrassing.....anyway...I guess all this was just a venting session, but I'd like any input from anyone who has it
Zaira Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 How long have you been together? Not that it really matters, because EVERYONE needs their space. Just because he may want some time on his own, to do his own things, does NOT mean that he's not thinking of you, or doesn't care for you etc etc. It will also give you some time to do things for YOU. Don't make the guy you're whole life. You will smother him, and you will push him away. In saying that though, it's not nice for him to be speaking to you that way when you express your feelings. Immaturity maybe?
Author clandestinidad Posted July 7, 2005 Author Posted July 7, 2005 We've been together almost a year. I'm fine w/ space...sometimes I dont want to be around him either. Ive been w/ smothering people before, so I know what its like! haha He's not my whole life....my daughter is I just think it sucks to do that right after we get back home...like its nothing....but more than that, its how he's ALWAYS mean when I tell him what I think or feel And, yes, theres definately immaturity....he's 24 and never really had a girlfriend...and he's an only child I just think I need someone who's more gentle and loving
Merin Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Zaira makes a good point.. everyone needs some time to themself now and then. I guess I don't understand why you feel that not seeing one another for a few days will break the connection the 2 of you have.. if it's a real connection having some time apart isn't going to break that and honestly IMO it often strengthens the relationship.. how can someone miss you if you never go away, know what I mean? He isn't saying the 2 of you are having a break, just that he needs some time to do other things I think you're taking it to personally. While I don't think his comments are okay regarding this because right or wrong it is something thats bothering you and IMO instead of acting like an assclown about it he should've reassured you that everything is okay and good to go between the 2 of you, that he also had a great weekend with you and explained that he just has somethings he needs to get done in the next few days... You're an adorable girl Kat and you're smart.. don't stress so much over a connection being broke if you're not right there to remind him that you're wonderful... you are wonderful and he isn't going to forget that in a matter of days Hang in there
sammi_jay Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 if you've been together a yr you must be doing somethin right in the relationship. every good relationship needs space, sometimes you can be together for days and sometimes not but that doesnt mean he doesnt want to be with you, if he didnt, he wouldnt spend the time he does with you in the first place. YOu just have to accept that your relationship works well as it is and when you do have those special days together before you have some space, just remind yourself how much closer your getting, then when you have those few days space you will look forward even more to seein him again. Dont frett, be happy with the relationship you have, if your not and need more then you might just be with the wrong guy.
Author clandestinidad Posted July 7, 2005 Author Posted July 7, 2005 Dont frett, be happy with the relationship you have, if your not and need more then you might just be with the wrong guy. I agree with everyone about the whole space thing. I know space is important. I just dont like it right after you spend 2/3 days together and get close....and then theres nothing for days.....it just feels strange to me. I think my whole problem with this situation is that its another example of how he doesnt ever listen to me or understand me....or even validate or respect what I've said!! This is what we always fight about!! He always has some argument back, and rude-ass comments...which just hurts and eventually pisses me off. I have another example: I told him a few months ago that it would be nice to get a phonecall during the day every once in a blue moon. He got argumentative. But eventually said he'd try to do it...he never did...too busy at work to do that, and couldnt at lunch (EVER???) So then I found out later that he talks to his mother and other people while at work....and it struck me as strange that he's not 'too busy' for them (about 3-4 times a week). I asked him about it, and he got very rude...eventually saying "fine I'll do it, but I'll HATE it...and I'll just resent you" (i should add that this was when we were doing long distance, 4 hrs away) Another one: I mentioned that I'd like to go out on dates...like him taking me out to dinner or something every once in a while, rather than me paying for myself every time. And that girls like to be taken out every once in a while (nothing expensive, ya know). He got really rude, eventually saying "Its MY money, and I dont want to spend it on YOU" I have some other ones, but you get my point. He's just so RUDE...and it really hurts. I just dont know how a person goes from hearing their loved one talk about how they think/feel, to immediately being argumentative and mean!! That just doesnt seem like love to me
nicetomeetu Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 umm, can I ask, what is it that you DO like about him? He sounds kinda rude to me, but there must be a reason you are with him. I think I know what you mean, though. Maybe like you kinda feel un appreciated? I know people need their space too, but it sounds to me like he doesn't make you feel special when you do spend time together, or cherish it as much as you do.
Author clandestinidad Posted July 7, 2005 Author Posted July 7, 2005 he doesn't make you feel special when you do spend time together, or cherish it as much as you do. Exactly! I've thought this for a while! I dont feel like he values and cherishes me. I'm not saying I'm a princess, but I do think a girl should be put on SOME sort of pedestal at the early stages of a relationship! We've talked about how he had an online relationship w/ some girl for a year, and was there for her and bought & mailed her gifts and looked at engagement rings, and ended up getting burned...and that he's not going to do that again. (so I know that he KNOWS how to treat someone...he just doesnt do it w/ me) The thing is, we were neighbors and friends (always had crushes on each other) years before we ever got together...so I would think he'd be SURE to treat ME well....since he "finally gets to be with me"!!! I guess the thing keeping us together is that we're really good as friends...being weird and funny and have a lot of fun together. Its just killing me that he doesnt treat me right!!! I really think that if he truly loved me, it would come naturally....b/c it did w/ that other girl he never even met! Anyway, I just dont know when its time to give up and quit waiting for someone to grow up & just 'naturally' cherish me.
Drivetildriven Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Oh my head, that's funny you say that. I'm one of the guys who's been complaining about a longtime girlfriend who up and left me. Two months ago she yelled at me, saying, "quit putting me up on a pedestal," "Why don't you look at other girls." I guess she wanted me to treat her like crap and check out other women every time we were together. You seem like you have a very good head on your shoulders and by the looks of your picture, you're attractive. So I don't know what your BF is thinking.
franklinluo Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 I have to say that your boyfriend is not a mature man who could control the balance between his lover and his private things freely. women are sensibility, a wise man knows that the love is not enough only a kind of feeling, it is also a kind of project to manage for making happy each other. I have a advice for your reference: Tell your boyfriend that the love need to manage and he lacks in skills for blandishment. ha! Good luck!
Drivetildriven Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 kat23, tell him you want a break and see how he acts/what he says. Not that you are, but don't be a doormat for him. It sounds like he's taking you for granted.
J dub Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 I just want to mention a few things: When you ask someone you love to do something for you that will make you happy, and they make ANY effort to do it, thats a true sign that they want to be there for you and they love you. If they cant even try, they dont have enough in them to care about you. I also want to point out -- please enjoy the time you have together and try not to focus so much on the time you dont...because my b/f is working complete opposite shifts as I am and I never get to SEE him, let alone go out and do stuff with him. Its awful believe me. Just try to see things in a positive light. If you really think he's being rude to you, be true to yourself and your needs and drop him like a hot plate.
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