GF believes i cheated, but i truly didn't

[ChrisAbs]

GF for a month, we've been dating about 3mos before getting together, broke up with me yesterday. here is the story:

 

So I've been talking with this girl i previously courted 3-4yrs back, it never really went too far as we never seemed compatible, but i chased her on/off for 3 years(dating probably 2-3x max/year) until i decided to give up as it was just not working out, and also stupid. also, our families are friends.(gf knows all this)

 

the girl and i havent been in touch for a while, about a year or so, when she added me on FB a month back. we got to talking about stuff; careers, relationships, laughing about the past, but i swear i was never being flirty, nor did i ever have the intention to do so. i initiated to hang out for old times sake(i see now this is where i ****ed up) but truthfully guys, i wasn't attempting to cheat. this is where you just gotta believe me.

 

now the girl and i probably chat for just once a week since, there was one time we chatted twice,but thats it. there was never any funny business.

 

anyway, everytime our chat ends, i delete the FB msg thread because i know my gf might be uncomfortable about this(no ****). i realize this is where i majorly went wrong because now it seems like i tried to hide malicious convos.

 

so she demanded i retrieve the messages which are now eternally lost on my side. best i could do was have the girl screenshot her side of the convo and boom, she went hysterical when she saw what we talked about. and to me, i would not have allowed her to see the convos if i believed i had been flirty. but i understand how our conversations of the past and relationships and whatnot, appeared flirty to her.

 

so in the end, she broke up. cleared me on all social media except FB, deleted all our photos, and returned the watch i gave to her.

 

what hurts is that, i am being prosecuted as if i had cheated, when i know in my heart i have remained faithful the whole time.

 

and while i truly understand where she's coming from, and i admit i was wrong to be dishonest, selfish, and hide the messages, it just doesnt seem fair.

 

i know this is convenient for me to say, but guys, i have been just sincere and caring to this girl. i am a doctor, and after my shift, i drive about 12 miles of heavy heavy manila traffic just to hang with her.

 

prior to our relationship, she knows i had been with a number of women, but i came into this relationship CLEAN. this is the first woman i had ever been honest with, and genuinely gave my heart to. the first woman i had told about all my crap and insecurities, the first woman i ever completely opened up to. and make no mistake, she was to me as well. she gave everything to me, which is why i realize the extent of her anger is justified.

 

i need some advice in mending the situation.

 

pretty much her final question was:

"why have i chosen to hurt her over the opportunity to speak with this girl? i must like her." and until i give her a satisfactory answer, she says we cant be fixed.

 

how can i make her understand that my curiosity/nostalgia/sentiment(in a non romantic way) merely got the best of me? ive told her about this and obv, it pissed her off even more. geez. everything i say turns to crap.

Edited September 19, 2016 by ChrisAbs

[ChrisAbs]

quick history about me; i had been diagnosed with a major depressive episode and on the verge of suicide in the past, due to a very severe breakup as well. it took me some time to be able to actually open up to someone, and now this **** happens. the one time i had been truly faithful i get screwed over. i realize all my mistakes and am just willing to work this out because not to sound weak but frankly, i cannot fall into that hole again. i honestly dont know how i am going to get back up this time around.

[SammySammy]

One month.

 

Move on.

[JewelD]

First off, take responsibility for your actions. What you did was not innocent or faithful. If your gf did this to you, you wouldn't be too happy about it, I'm sure.

 

Being faithful isn't just not screwing other women. You can emotionally cheat. And that's what it seems like. You crossed the line. This wasn't some hs friend, this was a girl you dated and chased for 3 years. and you didn't stop at conversations, you tried to hang out with her. and throughout all of this, you knew it was wrong. You did it anyway.

 

You didn't get screwed and **** didn't just happen, you made a choice. It depends on how flirty those convos were, but you can't make her forgive you. All you can do is apologize and tell her it won't happen again. and actually mean it, of course. Have you cut all contact with this girl? Are you prepared to cut all contact?

 

People break up all the time. If you think you're at risk of having a major episode if this doesn't work out, you might consider holding off on relationships until you can seek professional help and work through those issues.

[somegu]

You know what you did was wrong before she caught you otherwise you wouldn't have deleted those messages. Then instead of standing up for yourself you gave her evidence of your infidelity to make it worse. Why are you sabotaging yourself and your relationship to be in contact with this other woman? Stop believing your own BS about how you are so great and did nothing wrong. If you arn't living together or have kids it might be best to move on. Otherwise you need to own up to what you did and apologize and then change your behavior to renew your relationship.

 

"Definition. An emotional affair can be defined as: "A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage.""

[ChrisAbs]

i appreciate the replies.

 

i have owned up abt everything to her, ive told her i was selfish and dishonest. i have told her that it was a case of curiosity that got the better of me. i was merely curious about how she'd been doing after not hearing from her for a while, because i dated her in the past. me and the other girl chatted about careers, relationships, and laughed about the past. but to me, i was never flirtatious with my intent. and guys i am telling you right now, i never wanted the other girl nor did i want BE with her. ****. man everything i say just turns to ****.

 

so pretty much, my dilemma is how can i give her a satisfactory answer, and fix this?

[ChrisAbs]

thing is, she wants a very specific to her question of "why have i chosen to hurt her over the opportunity to speak with this girl? i must like her."

 

and ive told her the entire and honest truth i swear. and she still aint satisfied. i feel like she wants me to admit i cheated, which will never happen because i know i didnt. i am sorry i had been dishonest and deleted the msgs but thats it. there was never any ill intent in my mind for the other girl.

[bathtub-row]

Whether you own up to what you did or not, the consequences are the same. And whether you cheated or not, your behavior put you in a suspicious light. If you learn nothing else from this, I hope you now know that chatting with an ex on a regular basis is a no-no when you already have a gf or wife. For obvious reasons.

 

As far as being able to fix this, it's possible to do so but you must be very patient and calm and, as strange as it may sound, you need to not talk to your ex about whether you're innocent or guilty. In other words, don't defend your actions or try to convince her that you didn't do anything wrong. The more you try to defend yourself, the more guilty you look. If you get her back, I'm sure the topic will come up again and you can give your answer.

 

In order to get her back, why not send her some flowers to begin with. And a note that says something along the lines of, "From your greatest admirer". Then a week or so later, do something else that shows you're thinking about her. But don't do anything that makes you seem desperate. If you persist, it may be possible to win her back.

[Raena]

There might not be any fixing this one... probably best to just let her go and chalk it up to a lesson learned. If she chooses to forgive you and come back, then don't do it again. Contacting the ex is a problem yes, but lying and hiding it is the real issue. Next time, don't hide and delete things. It's the first red flag of a cheater and it's no wonder why your gf is so upset. She now has no idea what else you have been hiding. Even if it's nothing, you've given her reason not to trust you.

[mikeylo]

You say that in your mind you didnt do anything wrong. Thats a cop out. You had an itch ( curiosity ) and you went on to satisfy it. Who is to say that you wont get it again with someone else? What if you see another woman who excites your curiosity, will you go and chat her up?

 

I agree, if she trusted you before, now you have given her a reason to not trust you.

 

The emotional energy you put in chatting up other women who are not your partner is not acceptable. You can smack your head against the wall as many times as you want to but the fact remains that there is no room for other women ( 'female friends ' , female acquanitances ' , female exes , etc etc. ).The moment you cross that line , your primary relationship is doomed unless she is also doing the same , she will give too hoots about what you are up to.

 

In her eyes, you failed her. These things run deep. She will now wonder where your eyes are wandering when she is not with you.Do you ever think about her wandering eye? I dont think so.

 

Clean it up.Go get her. It might be a long road ahead. This could be something that will bring you guys together or she will never look back.If she gives another chance, remember the pain on her face for the rest of your life.

[ChrisAbs]

Thank you so much for the replies. I have put into heart everything you all have said. Her best friend has told me she is the type who wants things fixed soon and would appreciate a quick visit, hence I am on the way to her now. Wish me luck.

 

I have with me flowers and a letter, admitting that I understand how my actions are considered cheating, and that I am sorry for being selfish and dishonest.

 

I truly want to fix things and make it right. I have been with enough women to confidently say that this girl is where the line ends for me. Stupid I know, but I believe there is one person that enters your life once in a lifetime, and i really believe I have found her. And I realize how I grandly fckdd this one up, and I am doing the best I can and know.

[mikeylo]

There is something I read : A boy makes his girl jealous of other women but a man makes other women jealous of his girl.

 

You don't have to do it per say but be a man and if you believe you have found your true match , try making her center of your world, I promise, all the women in the fade away right in front of you. You won't even notice their existence. BTDT. Get your T shirt now

[ManyDissapoint]

Uhm your girlfriend is overreacting. I would not bring her flowers to reward her for this outburst. Okay you got your hand caught in the cookie jar (only since you deleted your messages proving you know you shouldn't have).

 

After a month this is simply a good opportunity to establish boundaries. She has a right to be upset but not flip-out, breakup type upset. Be prepared for more histrionics from this woman. Just FYI sometimes these uncommensurate reactions imply projection. She might be emotionally cheating on you, or thinking about it, and projecting her own worst case scenario onto you.

[bathtub-row]

The gf isn't overreacting at all.

 

I'm glad you're going to see her but I wouldn't have done a letter. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[elaine567]

The problem you have here, is that the whole time you have been gf/bf with this girl and whispering sweet nothings into her ear, you have been chatting to your "ex".

Your ex came back into your life just as you were getting more serious with your gf, but instead of coming clean to your gf and your ex about the situation, you chose to keep them both in the dark.

 

Your gf will not trust you going forward, you as you kept this other girl hidden from her and hid/deleted your msgs, those are not the actions of a trustworthy man, are they?

This other girl is a girl you pursued for 3 long years, so not some unknown off the internet, this is some woman she will assume you were/are besotted with.

 

She may be prepared to forgive you, she may not, but this may be the death knell to your relationship anyway, even if she does decide to take you back in the meantime.

Trust once lost is very hard to recover, I am afraid.

[mikeylo]

She is not overreacting.

 

She has basically taken a risk. Nipped it in the bud. She knows her deal breakers and won't accept anything less. Risk because she knows that it could mean a break up. So, she is ready to lose him but not compromise on him keeping other women around. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

[maryjanekelly]

If you have to hide it, you shouldn't do it. You are obviously doing something if you deleted the messages. I'm sure you know in the back of your mind that it was wrong to message her in the first place.

 

You chased her for how long? To your gf, it must appear that you are again, chasing this girl.

[ChrisAbs]

Well the visit to her turned out good, we have gotten back together. Thank you everyone, I swear I have now learned my lesson the very hard way. Never again. Obv I'll do what it takes to fully get her trust back.

Edited September 19, 2016 by ChrisAbs