I've fallen for my brothers friend!!!

[batgirlbatgirl]

Hi!! I [25F] need some help. I'll make this as short and clear as possible.

 

Around February my brother told me about his friend from work who had just gotten out of a pretty toxic relationship. His friends is named Alex [27M]. Apparently Alex had been in a bad relationship for a couple years with a girl who had some mental issues.

 

My brother told me that Alex broke it off with her and seemed pretty upset about it. My brother invited Alex to our house throughout the spring. He thought it would be a nice way to keep Alex busy and away from his ex. And it did.

 

The first time I saw Alex I was instantly attracted to him. He's extremely hot We didn't say much other then hellos and he mostly hung out with my brother. He would come over for football games on weekends and just hang out.

 

We got to know each other a little more and as I learned more and more about him the more I liked him. He's a very humble and kind man. He is an amazing listener and he felt like an old shoe after a month or so. He's just so nice. Usually he'd come over once a week. My brother and I live on our own in our own house. When my parents came from out of town to visit, Alex came by and they loved him! He made my dad laugh for hours. My mom just couldn't get enough of him too.

 

Many times he would come over when I'm home and my brother isn’t. We've become really really good friends. We sometimes hangout with just each other (walks, movies, car shows, swimming, we even longboard together) without my brother. My god, when we went swimming... he's like a freakin Greek marble statue. We just have a lot of fun together.

 

In July I had to go to the hospital after a car accident and he got there before my brother did to see if I was ok. He left work after my brother told him I got in an accident. When he showed up at the hospital and came into my room I thought my heart skipped a beat. I was so happy to see him.

 

I suffered a broken wrist and had some bruises.

 

For basically a month he was checking in on me every day and was coming by to help me do things around the house (dishes, vacume, basically anything that was difficult for me). My brother travels for work during the week a few times a month. Alex would do all the lawn work after he got off work sometimes. He cooked for me too! He's a journalist for a car magazine. I was crushing on him really hard by this point.

 

He had to leave for a week to a car show in August. After I got off work (I'm a dental assistant) I would go home and I realized how much I missed him. The house was so quiet. I would call friends and hangout but he was on my mind A LOT. We texted while he was gone and I told him that

 

"I hope you're having fun and that you better remember your swim trunks when you get back! or not lolol jkjk"

 

"Hahaha! Wow, you have such a way with words... so long as the water isn't cold lol! jk!"

 

We were kind of flirty by this point.

 

When he came back we were hanging out several days during the week. My brother noticed it and told me that I need to be careful because Alex has been through a lot. We had some words and my brother told me that Alex isn't looking for a relationship right now. That he was really hurt by his ex. I told him were just friends. I lied.

 

Last week I was running at the pool because Alex was chasing me and I slipped. I cut my elbow and Alex immediately felt responsible. He came over to help and kept apologizing to me. He held my arm and cleaned it up. He kept saying sorry. But as he was helping me I just sat that and starred at him.

 

I'm in love with him. I'm totally, completely in love with him.

I love everything about him. I want him. I want to make love to him. Idk, I'm going crazy. I don't want to ruin an amazing friendship.

 

But I've also learned somethings about his past. His ex basically crippled him. He told me that he doesn't think she's crazy, but he does want her to get help for her mental issues. He says he's over her. They don't talk. After he left her she only tried a couple of times to contact him and he ignored her.

 

If I listed all of the things she did to him it would be like Lord of the Rings. I learned she suffers from Borderline personality disorder and was a bit of a narcissist. She would text other men behand his back. She would say mean things. Mental, emotional abuse, controlling and she used sex as a power tool and they didn't have sex for several months prior to breaking up.

 

It really hurt him, and I hate her for it. He's such a wonderful person. I've always noticed a kind of silent hurt within him. It's like a look or when he's just thinking to himself. Right before my accident he and I were just talking one night in his jeep and he broke down in tears when he told me about her.

 

I don't know if he realizes how great he is. I know he's been hurt in the past but I don't know if I can hide my feelings for him. And if he rejected me I would be crushed. Sometimes I flirt a little much and he kinda backs off

 

When he’s gone I think about him all the time. But he never seems super flirty sometimes. But when he does it just makes me want to pounce on him lol.

 

what should I do?!?!

[smackie9]

tell him you like him?

[JewelD]

You're not in love, you're lusting. That's why you 'want' him and want to 'pounce' on him.

 

Be aware that he may reject you because he's not into it or because you are his best friend's sister. Are you comfortable with that possibility and then still having to see him around occasionally? If you are, go ahead, make a move.

[LastAcorn99]

It’s obvious that you’re clearly infatuated with your brother’s friend. Since you mentioned that he’s just come off a toxic relationship, I would suggest that listen to your brother’s advice and allow this person to heal. People who’ve been in a bad relationship take a long while to heal from the hurts and scars of their past, and it’s important that they deal with it before moving into another relationship. I’m sure that despite your attraction to him, you would not want to be a rebound relationship? And, is it possible that you may be reading too much into his actions toward you? I hope you have the wisdom to decide what is best for you both at this time.

[Omei]

Tbh you sound a bit obsessed I would do well to keep that under lock and key....you're saying you love him over and over is a bit much if you were to tell him that he'd prob find it overwhelming also.

 

Just mention to him that you like him more than friends and see what happens but as someone else said prepare for rejection as he may consider his friendship with your brother important at this time and may not want to walk those waters.

[batgirlbatgirl]

Thank you for your input everyone. I really do care about him. I wish I could explain it better to you all. She really did a number on him. It's been over 6 months since he left her. She was really rotten to him. I've read that people that leave borderline partners have a very hard time getting over the relationship. I don't want to be a rebound but it's been 6 months so I don't know how I can judge it. My brother told me that he's still hurting but tries not to show it. I don't think that if I came on slow to him that I would push him away. I'm thinking over the course of several months. I was in a pretty bad relationship a few years ago but it wasn't nearly as bad as his ex. That woman is a total nightmare. She stalked him for a bit as he left her once before. He still had the messages so if she did it again he could take legal action against her. It's awful that someone so kind and amazing had his good nature taken advantage of. I wish he would have never met her because maybe I would feel that this wasn't such a big hurdle to tell him I like him more than a friend. I'm afraid he'll reject me to protect himself. But how can I show him that he doesn't need walls with me? That I'll never treat him poorly and that he can trust me. God Damn Feelings. Hahaha

[SoThatHappened]

She really did a number on him. It's been over 6 months since he left her. She was really rotten to him. I've read that people that leave borderline partners have a very hard time getting over the relationship.

Man, this guy sounds so like me it's scary. I've had my heart ripped out by someone exhibiting strong BPD traits, and it took me about 18 months to be able to date again.

 

So, do you go for it now and throw caution to the wind?

 

Or, do you sit back and wait, and risk possibly losing him to someone else?

 

Honestly, I'd tell him how you feel but that you're willing to wait until he's ready.

[batgirlbatgirl]

Man, this guy sounds so like me it's scary. I've had my heart ripped out by someone exhibiting strong BPD traits, and it took me about 18 months to be able to date again.

 

So, do you go for it now and throw caution to the wind?

 

Or, do you sit back and wait, and risk possibly losing him to someone else?

 

Honestly, I'd tell him how you feel but that you're willing to wait until he's ready.

 

 

I know!!! That's exactly what I was thinking! I don't want to lose my chance with him. I know some people that think I'm just lusting for him but it's way more than that. I wont deny that I'm very attracted to him. I think ive hidden it really well though. But we have such an amazing connection. I know he loves to be around me. He's responsible, he takes care of his family and friends. He works really hard and has a great job that he loves. He test drives cars and writes about them. I've known him for 6 months and he's brought such laughter and balance to our lives. I just don't want to blow it. If he's still hurting I don't want him to feel that he can't come by if I tell him I want to be more than friends one day. His ex really lost out on a great guy.

[JewelD]

Thank you for your input everyone. I really do care about him. I wish I could explain it better to you all. She really did a number on him. It's been over 6 months since he left her. She was really rotten to him. I've read that people that leave borderline partners have a very hard time getting over the relationship. I don't want to be a rebound but it's been 6 months so I don't know how I can judge it. My brother told me that he's still hurting but tries not to show it. I don't think that if I came on slow to him that I would push him away. I'm thinking over the course of several months. I was in a pretty bad relationship a few years ago but it wasn't nearly as bad as his ex. That woman is a total nightmare. She stalked him for a bit as he left her once before. He still had the messages so if she did it again he could take legal action against her. It's awful that someone so kind and amazing had his good nature taken advantage of. I wish he would have never met her because maybe I would feel that this wasn't such a big hurdle to tell him I like him more than a friend. I'm afraid he'll reject me to protect himself. But how can I show him that he doesn't need walls with me? That I'll never treat him poorly and that he can trust me. God Damn Feelings. Hahaha

 

You don't love him. You don't really even know him. People are different once you start dating them. You also don't know the full story of what happened in their relationship so I wouldn't be so quick to believe that he was some innocent lamb ravaged by a succubus.

 

You sound very parched. You're not a knight in shining armor, you don't have to sweep men you don't know off their feet. I have a feeling you will probably scare him off with all this talk of "I'll never hurt you!". How can you say that when you've never been on a date and you don't even know if he even likes you?

 

Why don't you just let him make a move? If he really likes you and you act as giddy around him as you say, I'm sure he knows you're interested. If he doesn't say anything or approach you, it's probably for the best.

[batgirlbatgirl]

You don't love him. You don't really even know him. People are different once you start dating them. You also don't know the full story of what happened in their relationship so I wouldn't be so quick to believe that he was some innocent lamb ravaged by a succubus.

 

You sound very parched. You're not a knight in shining armor, you don't have to sweep men you don't know off their feet. I have a feeling you will probably scare him off with all this talk of "I'll never hurt you!". How can you say that when you've never been on a date and you don't even know if he even likes you?

 

Why don't you just let him make a move? If he really likes you and you act as giddy around him as you say, I'm sure he knows you're interested. If he doesn't say anything or approach you, it's probably for the best.

 

I've seen the texts she sent him. Real minipulator and just plain unstable girl. He told me all about her. And he'd been speaking to my brother for a long time before they broke up about the stuff she was doing. I know most of the story. I know he left her because she was messaging another guy and he just cut her off.

 

We basically have been hanging out every week for the past 4 months. He and I go out together and hang out more than he and my brother do. My brother is totally cool with this. He's basically my best friend at this point.

 

Alex did say to my brother, not to me, that my friendship has been a blessing and that I have helped him feel like his old self. He also said it doesn't hurt that "she's really cute". But my brother said he apologized for the comment saying he didn't want to be disrespectful.

 

I think he's pretty shy at approaching girls. His ex was the one who asked him out.

 

But honestly, my feelings for him are love. I've had crushes, boyfriend's and this is more than that. I know it seems crazy. But that's how I feel.

[JewelD]

I've seen the texts she sent him. Real minipulator and just plain unstable girl. He told me all about her. And he'd been speaking to my brother for a long time before they broke up about the stuff she was doing. I know most of the story. I know he left her because she was messaging another guy and he just cut her off.

 

We basically have been hanging out every week for the past 4 months. He and I go out together and hang out more than he and my brother do. My brother is totally cool with this. He's basically my best friend at this point.

 

Alex did say to my brother, not to me, that my friendship has been a blessing and that I have helped him feel like his old self. He also said it doesn't hurt that "she's really cute". But my brother said he apologized for the comment saying he didn't want to be disrespectful.

 

I think he's pretty shy at approaching girls. His ex was the one who asked him out.

 

But honestly, my feelings for him are love. I've had crushes, boyfriend's and this is more than that. I know it seems crazy. But that's how I feel.

 

You still don't know the whole story, all you know is his side. For all you know, he may have cheated on her at some point. He could be an abusive prick. That's not information he would be shouting to the world.

 

He's shy? Is he? or is that the reason you're giving yourself for why he hasn't approached you?

 

If you think you're in love with him, profess your feelings to him. Tell him all of the feelings that you have written here. If he doesn't run screaming for the hills, you might have a match.

 

IJS, if you can fall in love with a dude without even going on a date, how will you react if he doesn't even want to date you? Or if you do date and he just decides he'd rather date someone else? I think you're setting yourself up for a big disappointment.

[O'Malley]

Have you ever had a guy that you confided in, and then were disappointed when he acted like a lovesick puppy? He doesn't need and probably doesn't want to be rescued.

 

Even if there is a mutual attraction (and it's normal after a breakup to enjoy getting attention and validation, even from people you're not interested in), you're making a lot of assumptions about him and his former relationship. Better for him and you to let him have space in his heart and head, move on from whatever happened and then decide what he wants. Give yourself more me time as well - it never makes sense to focus on "someday" when you can't even be certain that he reciprocates your interest, and it could make a future rejection that much worse for you.

 

I'd enjoy the friendship for now and see if he starts seeking you out romantically. If so, great, if not, you still have a friend.

[SoThatHappened]

Sometimes the negativity on here gets really old.

 

"you don't know him," "how can you tell he's not a prick," "you're making too many assumptions,"...

 

She's become close with him over months... not days. They've developed a strong friendship. They're flirting back and forth. He sounds like a standup guy.

 

Yeah, you could get hurt. I still say tell him how you feel.

 

You regret the things you DON'T do more than the things you DO.

 

That's the risk when it comes to relationships.

 

The way you describe the situation, there seems to be something between you. My only advice is to let him heal, but don't lose him if possible. Just tell him.

[VeveCakes]

After 4 months of being that close he would have made a move if he was interested. Sorry OP, he has had plenty of opportunity.

[JewelD]

Sometimes the negativity on here gets really old.

 

"you don't know him," "how can you tell he's not a prick," "you're making too many assumptions,"...

 

She's become close with him over months... not days. They've developed a strong friendship. They're flirting back and forth. He sounds like a standup guy.

 

Yeah, you could get hurt. I still say tell him how you feel.

 

You regret the things you DON'T do more than the things you DO.

 

That's the risk when it comes to relationships.

 

The way you describe the situation, there seems to be something between you. My only advice is to let him heal, but don't lose him if possible. Just tell him.

 

Sometimes the people on here wearing rose-colored spectacles gets really old too. Nobody is going to say that it is normal for anyone to be in love with someone they've never even dated. Especially only after knowing him for 6 months.

 

He's a 27 year old man, not a 12 year old. If he wants to make a move, he will. I think OP has already convinced herself she loves him, he loves her and this is going to turn into a full blown relationship. Therefore, if it doesn't, she will be incredibly crushed.

 

People can do what they want, but they should always consider the consequences and if their expectations are too high.

[SoThatHappened]

The guy's heart is still in pieces on his ex-girlfriend's floor.

 

That, on top of the OP being his best friend's sister, make more sense as to why he hasn't made a move.

[batgirlbatgirl]

First off, I'm not delusional. I don't know his feelings for me or if he just wants friendship. We've become very close. Im talking watching netflix and him falling asleep on my shoulder after working, working out, cleaning my house, doing yard work, making dinner and helping me with my wrist. He works so hard. He's really a very easy going, chill guy. Air Force Vet, Journalist who worked his way through college. He work his butt off to get where he is. He doesn't get nervous around me really. I know hes comfortable with/around me. Sometimes he flirts. But I definitely feel a connection. The way he smiles when he sees me. Or when he's tense when writing a review at his place I'll rub his shoulders to help him relax. Heck, one time I flew off my longboard and I teared up a bit and he just hugged me and he gave me a piggy back ride to his car because I landed right on my knee. Then he got me home and wrapped it in ice. I told him thanks and he said that "I can't afford to lose my favorite longboard partner and friend". He lives by himself, his ex never lived with him. He lives on the edge of town. My brother and I live in a town 15 mins away from his place. When were hanging out I just want to always be close to him. And I think he does too.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I suggest totally forgetting the details relating to his ex... DON'T be the person guilty of 'piling-on' (as they say in football) when the specifics of that ex are NOT really important to (your future).

 

Insomuch as you have created a friendship with a strong foundation, over time, and with (your brother) to easily vouch for both sides, I think the writing is mostly on the wall that you are likely to be well-received by your brother's friend if you BOLDLY invite him to cross that line...

 

 

SO, wait for one of those many opportunities when just you and the friend are alone... and look him confidently in the eyes, and say:

 

"I want to date you... will you date me??"

 

 

And then refrain from letting that be his invitation to toss you onto the nearest bed and just bang you for fun.

 

 

Instead... make an appointment/DATE to truly go out with him... and when you want conversation to fill the air, speak NOT about his ex, but instead about the many reactions your family may have, both in the beginning, and then over time...

 

 

Eventually it will all be cool... and as you're both like-aged adults, there is nothing wrong or pressured about you two commencing a relationship.

 

 

(but if you just bang one another, that first moment, {only to then be discovered together, intimately, by the brother... <gasp>}, then you can greatly reduce your hopes for creating something that LASTS and lasts)

 

 

Above all, just be yourself...

 

 

Passing-up this chance in the interest of friendship is weak-minded and bound to cause regret.

[GunslingerRoland]

Honestly if he's spending this much time with you and he hasn't tried anything. His ex either kept his testicles when they broke up, or he isn't really into you.

[batgirlbatgirl]

Update!!!!

 

So tonight I was home alone with my brother. Alex was working most of the evening so I thought it would be a good time to speak with my brother about my feeling for Alex. I sat him down and asked if he knew why I wanted to talk to him. He knew it was about Alex. Now, my brother and I have a good relationship. We don't always agree but we are great friends. I was nervous. I told my brother that I am interested in pursuing a relationship with Alex. That I can't stop thinking about him. I told him that I'm falling in love with him.

 

"Well I figured you guys were hanging out because you like each other but if you think I'm surprised you're wrong. I see the way you look at him".

 

My brother said that Alex is an adult and can handle himself. But he then told me that he doesn't want me or Alex to get hurt. He was there for Alex during the really difficult times in his relationship and tried to give him good guidence. My brother basically said his ex obliterated his heart. But he said that I've done more for him then any family or friend or even himself to feel better and move on.

 

Then he told me something that shocked me. My brother told me that a few weeks ago Alex said to him that "if it wasn't for your sister, I would still be a complete wreck and would still be depressed". My brother said that Alex said I was the main reason for him getting back his confidence and back on his feet. That I am what a good woman was supposed to be. He said that Alex is happy and really cares about me He also said that Alex said I was the kindest girl he's ever met.

 

I had no idea he was going through that much pain. I knew he was still hurting but I didn't know how much I have helped him.

 

I guess Alex got pretty emotional talking to my brother about it. He didn't want to be disrespectful and told my brother that he didn't mean to cross any lines talking to him about me.

 

My brother said he gave Alex a big hug and told him not to stop coming over and just relax and enjoy spending time with me and him.

 

 

I was pretty excited at this point .

 

My brother said that if it works out for you two then go for it. But he told me jokingly that if I did anything to hurt Alex he'd kick my ass lol. He said the same goes for Alex lol

 

 

I want to tell him how I feel but I am soooooooooooo nervous!!!!

 

How should I tell Alex how I feel?!?!?!

Edited September 20, 2016 by batgirlbatgirl

[h0000]

yeah you should tell him or maybe you can ask your brother to ask him if he likes you.

[Noproblem]

I don't know why people are saying you don't really love him.

I think you know him enough by now..

 

Some people meet on a date and think they are in love and nobody lash at them.

 

Anyway. I think the feelings you have for him is normal.

You are entitled to like him, he likes you too

 

but the Big Question is?

 

Does he love you as a friend or a potential girlfriend?

 

He's been through a lot and you don't want to be his rebound girl.

 

You have to be patient.

 

Don't rush things. Don't do something that you will regret later.

[lolablue17]

I didn't have to read the update to see that Alex is into you (99%, because there can always be surprises in life).

 

You don't understand how strong is the definition of the words: "My friend's sister" mean to men. The sister of our male friend is a holy institution. we are not allowed touch it. It's a very powerful code.

 

That is the reason why Alex haven't made any move yet. When you talk to him, saying how you feel, you will have to tell him right away that you asked your brother and he is fine with it. Alex will not make any step without a clear active permission from your brother.

 

I can't imagine a scenario in which you don't end up together. Why wait? Ask him to dinner tonight and tell him how you feel. Good luck.

[Omei]

All the men on here saying if he hasn't got with you yet he's not interested lol well some men actually hurt and don't sleep with girls the moment they can after a ended relationship.

 

I agree stop thinking about his ex it's very weird how involved and opinionated are you about his ex. Once I dated a guy who did this whole sob story about his crazy ex and he ended up being the abuser and his ex was likely painted a picture she never was. You don't know his ex enough to "hate" her as you put it you may think you do but you don't your bf is showing you all her bad qualities and nithing else, and tbh I'd get annoyed by how often he mentions his ex and the fact he's still in contact not sure why you want to start a relationship where the drama hasn't settled but ok.

 

Sounds like you have your brothers blessing ask him out on a date do not go overboard and make proclamations of deep love remember this guy's out of a tough breakup he's maintained a friendship with you for months hasn't been with anyone sexually he's obviously taking time for him don't scare him away with warp speed I love yous.

 

Let things unfold good luck !

Edited September 20, 2016 by Omei

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I was just answering another thread and pointing out that little bits of one another, introduced over tiiiiiiiiiiiiiime, makes for the best foundation to a budding romance.

 

On the other thread, work was the common environment that facilitated such a comfortable build-up, but you have your brother's environment which afforded you the same luxuries.

 

 

Again, I think you should get him to a scenario where you are alone... and boldly say:

 

 

"I want to DATE you! - Would you date me?"

 

(he will love your confidence ) (OR the fact that you faked that confidence for him) (ahem, DON'T fake anything else...)

 

 

(eye contact all the way... BOLDLY... and then resist any impulse to let him throw you down on a bed and make nice with you so immediately)

 

(wait until the 2nd date, at least...)