GF's son is a little $hit

[Gaeta]

She wants me to discipline him but i do not feel comfortable doing that. It would be easier if she disciplined him more and I assisted. I don't want to take the brunt of being the bad guy to someone else's kid. Raising my daughter is enough of a challenge.

 

An example of her discipline: when he first spit at me, she said "Billy, no". There was nothing about her tone or action that told him to stop. I brought it up that him spitting bothered me. She got upset and said "he's three! He was angry. It's not like he meant it." I told her that his feelings do not give him a right to act the way he wants. If this were the case, there would never be a reason to discipline anyone! My daughter spit ONE TIME. It became very clear to her that spitting was unacceptable after that.

 

Asking a man she has been dating 6 months to discipline her child Show how screwed up she is.

 

End this. The child is out of control and she has no intention of parenting him. He is just a series of problem waiting to happen. One day he'll hurt your daughter seriously, one day he'll be a little punk out of control with a juvenile criminal record.

 

I have worked years with children his age. The children like this little one with no structure or proper parenting all became little delinquents unable to function in society.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Just reading your opening post is making my blood boil. Wanting to spank the kid is the least of what one feels if this is happening. I totally get your frustration.

 

Ya ya you can't discipline this kid as your own but but when the little monster starts hurting your daughter and your pet, you have every right to step in and put the brat in his place by protecting yours. They say let kids work things out amongst themselves but when there is a bully in the making an adult must step in. You can can certainly teach him right from wrong since you g/f isn't stepping up.

 

 

I wouldn't pursue this if she is not willing to do anything about it. Now if she is at her wits' end has expressed to you she would welcome your help why not help parent also in the way of teaching right from wrong, as in "we don't hit pets in this house" in stern voice. The kid is pushing boundaries and no one is pushing back.

[kendahke]

It was the best I've ever had

 

So far.

 

Your life isn't over.

 

Once upon a time, the best sex I've ever had was with an ex who ended up cheating on me. Now, I have even better sex with someone who doesn't cheat.

 

She isn't the only chick out there--there is someone else who doesn't have "I'm afraid to parent my 3 yr old because I want to be his friend" issues who is way better in bed. You just have to not sell yourself so short by believing this is the best you'll ever do and that your life is somehow over if you do leave this relationship.

 

I'm glad you have ended it--for everyone concerned. Now get out of the mindset that no one else will be able to surpass what will most likely turn out to be mediocre sex with her.

[joyful]

hilarious. somehow this toddler is

 

a nightmare

a bad seed

anti-social

likely to seriously damage a preschooler

a little $hit

violent

destructive

a juvenile delinquent

 

while likely still in diapers...

[Gaeta]

hilarious. somehow this toddler is

 

a nightmare

a bad seed

anti-social

likely to seriously damage a preschooler

a little $hit

violent

destructive

a juvenile delinquent

 

while likely still in diapers...

 

Toddler is 18 months and under.

 

I have years of experience with kids his age. EVERYthing is at play before the age of 5 years old, it dictates the type of adults they will be. He is at the phase when you learn about respect, rules, consequences, language. It's when a child start becoming emotionally and physically independent, that's when they learn social skills. Want me to continue? He is at an imperative age.

 

This child is skipping all of those important phases of his little life that will make him a good or bad person to live in society.

[Gr8fuln2020]

@TeddyPSmith.

 

End it. This is advice from someone who was in your situation or VERY similar. My ex expected me to be the "man" and do the "father-like" discipline and only me. I already did that for my kids, but when she abdicated her responsibility to be placed disproportionately on me, it created a very difficult relationship between myself and her oldest boy. Constant conflict and he needed to be checked far too often. The little booger was manipulative, two-faced, jealous of how close I was with my own kids and terrible older sibling or role model.

 

I frankly did not like the kid.

 

His mother defended him, of course. That's what a parent should do, right. It was a constant point of disagreement between myself and my ex. Well, I wasn't going to have him continue to do what he did....among other reasons, got my kids and myself away from my ex and her kids.

 

Get out and your FIRST priority is to YOUR kids, not to her or the relationship.

[joyful]

Toddler is 18 months and under.

 

I have years of experience with kids his age. EVERYthing is at play before the age of 5 years old, it dictates the type of adults they will be. He is at the phase when you learn about respect, rules, consequences, language. It's when a child start becoming emotionally and physically independent, that's when they learn social skills. Want me to continue? He is at an imperative age .

 

hmmm. if toddler is 18 months and under, when exactly is infancy?

 

i think that the skills learned in adolescence -- more so than before 5 -- determine what kinds of adults people will be.

 

brains complete development at age 25. it is then that we know what kind of adult -- that is a person with the full capacity for reason -- we are dealing with. It's just not a done deal at 5.

Edited September 22, 2016 by joyful

[Gaeta]

hmmm. if toddler is 18 months and under, when exactly is infancy?

 

i think that the skills learned in adolescence -- more so than before 5 -- determine what kinds of adults people will be.

 

brains complete development at age 25. it is then that we know what kind of adult -- that is a person with the full capacity for reason -- we are dealing with. It's just not a done deal at 5.

I am an ex kindergarten teacher. I studied mental development of children from age 0 to 12. The importance of years 0 to 5 is plenty documented on line if you wish to get acquainted with.

 

If you think waiting adolescence to teach skills like respect and consequences you are in for a bitter surprise.

[joyful]

I am an ex kindergarten teacher. I studied mental development of children from age 0 to 5. The importance of years 0 to 5 is plenty documented on line if you wish to get acquainted with.

 

If you think waiting adolescence to teach skills like respect and consequences you are in for a bitter surprise.

 

i have raised someone -- as a single parent.

 

i did not say to wait until adolescence to teach respect and consequences. i said that adolescence is the period in which people acquire the skills to be adults -- capable, socially acceptable, thoughtful, driven, responsible adults.

 

the adult that someone will be is not discernible in the toddler they were. sorry.

[elaine567]

"Give me the child until he is seven and I’ll give you the man"

- Jesuit motto

[BlueIris]

I actually just broke up wit her. I explained to her that her son's behavior towards my daughter was painful for me to watch. I also told her that we have very different parenting styles. She said that nothing she does is good enough (sounded just like something my ex said...probably some truth to it). She was very upset and mad at me. She said it was crazy to break up over something like that. To her credit, she did get on him yesterday about his behavior. I just felt like it's been a recurring theme. There are other issues, as well so the child was not the only thing. It appears that I'll need to move to a new thread about breakups. I actually really do love her and will miss our texts and phone calls. Ive only broken up with one other person before and I instantly regretted it. As another poster commented way back, the magical sex will not be worth it...he was right. It was the best I've ever had

 

Good for you!! I’m so glad that you broke up with her! For your daughter’s sake.

 

I was hurt for years as a child by my parents’ friends' child. Only a one-girl insurrection at age 8 stopped it and we didn’t see them any more. That’s a lot to put on a child- having to take on a bunch of adults and be the adult. But it was still 6 years of repeatedly being forced into a dangerous situation by my parents and being hurt. Not good at all.

 

So exGF gets angry and thinks it's crazy... that says it all. What a selfish person. Protecting your daughter is not crazy and she doesn't see that. You see, it's the same thinking regarding her child and yours: kids don't matter, no responsibility and no concern. I wouldn't want anyone like that near my children.

 

You did a good thing by ending it. Yay you!

[Gaeta]

If you love her then tell her to get herself in parenting classes.

[preraph]

For those scoffing at disciplining (not hurting) toddlers, I will just say what I've heard all my life and that is you only have that small window of time when you can physically and mentally restrain your kids, so you better get them used to you being the one in control then, or you never will. That doesn't mean beat them, but it means a show of force and not just letting them push you around and do whatever they want. Toddlers may not retain everything at that age, but if you don't start then and keep reinforcing it, they will never learn anything except how to manipulate and control you -- and if you think even a two-year-old hasn't learned to manipulate his mom on a regular basis, you are not paying attention.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Good for you!! I’m so glad that you broke up with her! For your daughter’s sake.

So exGF gets angry and thinks it's crazy... that says it all. What a selfish person. Protecting your daughter is not crazy and she doesn't see that. You see, it's the same thinking regarding her child and yours: kids don't matter, no responsibility and no concern. I wouldn't want anyone like that near my children.

 

You did a good thing by ending it. Yay you!

 

HECK YAH!!!

 

My ex said the same thing...essentially. I was told that I was placing too much importance to how different our parenting styles were. The "stuff" that was going on with her son...I said, "screw that!" The mistake my ex made was thinking that she was more important than my own flesh and blood... boy, she was wrong!

[preraph]

For those scoffing at disciplining (I don't mean hurting) toddlers, I will just say what I've heard all my life and that is you only have that small window of time when you can physically and mentally restrain your kids, so you better get them used to you being the one in control then, or you never will. That doesn't mean beat them, but it means a show of force and not just letting them push you around and do whatever they want. Toddlers may not retain everything at that age, but if you don't start then and keep reinforcing it, they will never learn anything except how to manipulate and control you -- and if you think even a two-year-old hasn't learned to manipulate his mom on a regular basis, you are not paying attention.

 

I posted this at the time on this board, but a couple years ago, there were some studies at Yale that no one wanted to hear about that showed that babies are not born nice and peaceful but that they were born selfish and prejudiced against people not just like them, down to what they ate or looked like, and proved that if you want a nice kid, they're not born; they're made.

[Sunkissedpatio]

i have raised someone -- as a single parent.

 

i did not say to wait until adolescence to teach respect and consequences. i said that adolescence is the period in which people acquire the skills to be adults -- capable, socially acceptable, thoughtful, driven, responsible adults.

 

the adult that someone will be is not discernible in the toddler they were. sorry.

 

Ya but in this case they are not expecting this monster child to have adult skills they are expecting it to not have crazy outbursts and to quash the mean tendencies it is manifesting on a constant basis. And that IS learned exactly in the phase this child is going though.

 

Waiting for a child to be a teenager (as you suggested in your earlier post) to correct what is being allowed now is too late.

 

The psychiatric, and medical community would strongly disagree with your last statement since the formative years are detrimental to a person's mental well-being as an adult, to how they will develop relationships, and how they will cope in life in general.

 

There is a plethora of evidence out there that supports that.

[joyful]

Ya but in this case they are not expecting this monster child to have adult skills they are expecting it to not have crazy outbursts and to quash the mean tendencies it is manifesting on a constant basis. And that IS learned exactly in the phase this child is going though.

 

Waiting for a child to be a teenager (as you suggested in your earlier post) to correct what is being allowed now is too late.

 

The psychiatric, and medical community would strongly disagree with your last statement since the formative years are detrimental to a person's mental well-being as an adult, to how they will develop relationships, and how they will cope in life in general.

 

There is a plethora of evidence out there that supports that.

 

i'm sorry, but i definitely did not recommend "waiting for a child to be a teenager" to do anything. in fact, there was no recommendation whatever, merely a point of correction. adult development is not determined by 5.

[Gr8fuln2020]

For those scoffing at disciplining (I don't mean hurting) toddlers, I will just say what I've heard all my life and that is you only have that small window of time when you can physically and mentally restrain your kids, so you better get them used to you being the one in control then, or you never will. That doesn't mean beat them, but it means a show of force and not just letting them push you around and do whatever they want. Toddlers may not retain everything at that age, but if you don't start then and keep reinforcing it, they will never learn anything except how to manipulate and control you -- and if you think even a two-year-old hasn't learned to manipulate his mom on a regular basis, you are not paying attention.

 

I posted this at the time on this board, but a couple years ago, there were some studies at Yale that no one wanted to hear about that showed that babies are not born nice and peaceful but that they were born selfish and prejudiced against people not just like them, down to what they ate or looked like, and proved that if you want a nice kid, they're not born; they're made.

 

Who scoffs at discipline??? I scoff at the people who think using corporal punishment is the answer. EVIDENCE shows that children who were punished physically are much more likely to become parents, people to use physical harm as a means of discipline and abusers. Plenty of parents, including myself do not believe in corporal punishment and I have great kids. I was whipped as a kid and turned out okay....but that's me. I scoff at those who think that the only way to "discipline" is by hitting. NOT.

 

I absolutely agree. In MOST cases a rotten child is a result of his/her upbringing. Sometimes, frighteningly, it is something predetermined.

[Sunkissedpatio]

i think that the skills learned in adolescence -- more so than before 5 -- determine what kinds of adults people will be.

 

brains complete development at age 25. it is then that we know what kind of adult -- that is a person with the full capacity for reason -- we are dealing with. It's just not a done deal at 5.

 

You're correct, you didn't say "wait until this kid is a teenager to correct his patterns" That is what I got from your post in that you completely dismissed what is learned in the formative years as if it doesn't matter and yet they most definitely matter.

 

Anyway that is neither here nor there in the context of this thread since the OP is asking what he should do in terms of how to deal with this child.

 

I fully believe that child needs to start learning how to relate now not later in life so if this child were doing those things to my child I would definitely set the ground rules and would let the little brat know how we do things around my house.

 

I've done it for my nieces when they are playing with more "brutish" kids that like to make others cry, and their parents are too hands off to care. I would DEFINITELY do it for my own child. I don't really care if you are "supposed to discipline other people's kids or not" but I would get involved to defend my child at a point where it is becoming sport for another kid to hurt them.

[Toodaloo]

There are studies that go both ways. All any parent can do is the best they can for their individual child. After all they are all different and respond better to different parenting methods.

 

We are all however missing the point that this woman, who has now been dumped, simply can not be bothered with her child... So no matter what anyone says its falling on deaf ears...

[Robert]

Seems the issue is resolved, if the thread starter would like the thread re-opened then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks all who participated.