GF's son is a little $hit

September 19, 2016

Agree 100%. And I trust that part of raising a stable, mature child as a single parent is being being careful about romantic partners whose attitudes and behaviors have a strong and lasting impact on said child.

Allowing your child to hit other children and pets is not "being careful about romantic partners". That's poor parenting.

September 19, 2016

Agree 100%. And I trust that part of raising a stable, mature child as a single parent is being being careful about romantic partners whose attitudes and behaviors have a strong and lasting impact on said child.

Well that's kind of my point -- in reverse. People don't like being around brats. The kid is paying the price for his mother's lack of willingness to be a parent. And the mom will pay the price, too, because she'll continue to lose relationships over this unless she wishes up.

September 19, 2016

Well that's kind of my point -- in reverse. People don't like being around brats. The kid is paying the price for his mother's lack of willingness to be a parent. And the mom will pay the price, too, because she'll continue to lose relationships over this unless she wishes up.

Exactly and why is the girlfriends behaviour any responsibility of the OP? They have been dating 6 months, his daughter is getting hit (in sight of the adults so who knows what the brat is doing out of sight), the dog is being hit... The girlfriend is doing NOTHING about it. Its not good.

I have neighbours who have a small boy who is going through a phase of being nasty and they are coming down HARD on him. No they are not bashing the kid but he is learning the hard way that he has to have manners and be kind. The OP's girlfriend isn't bothering to do that so she has a brat she can deal with the brat.

If I don't put fuel in my car and look after it then it is no ones fault bar my own when it breaks down. Same difference only with a child it is more important than a car.

Oh and being cruel to animals at a young age IS a big deal. Any psychotherapist will tell you it is one of the first signs that something is seriously wrong.

September 19, 2016

start using "time-out" discipline.

give him a warning, just one.

if he keeps on then he goes in "time-out".

place a marker/chair somewhere in your house, (do not use the bedroom or any other "fun" place) and have him sit there. set the timer for 3 mins.(one min for each year of his age)

do not engage him. if he gets up from "time-out" he goes back (you take him, gently) and so does the clock.

after the three mins, get down to his eye level and explain why he's in time out ( spitting, hogging the toys, being mean to the dog).

ask him to apologize to you or whoever he's offended. do not engage excuses. he stays there until he apologises. once he does, give affection at a level you feel is comfortable for you both and move on.

even if you don't end up as his step father, do the dogs and children in the world a favor because if he continues spitting, hitting and being a little ****, he won't have any friends. he will go to school and no one will pick him for their team, no one will invite him to sit with them at lunch, no one will invite him to play dates or birthday parties.

supernanny has all the info on discipline which is what he actually needs. whether he's got two parents, a dead parent or a disability. everyone in society has to behave.

September 19, 2016

Yes, I hear you. But he is not the little boy's dad. I am not sure that I can understand that kind of anger and frustration directed at SOMEONE ELSE'S child.

Really? I feel like it would be the opposite. With your own blood, you're far more understanding and tolerant. They'll still drive you up the wall some days, but ultimately, you love them and wouldn't want anything to actually happen to them.

If a blended family is ever to happen, then yes, the OP needs to eventually care about his girlfriend's child. That doesn't mean he will or should be expected to ever love this child as much as he loves his own.

To me, the biggest issue is that the mother doesn't appear to be doing anything about this child's behavior. I would never advocate abusing a child, yet at the same time, the OP is in a bit of a no-win situation as he's got to put up with the child's behavior while being figuratively handcuffed with regards to being able to do much more than talk to the mother about it.

September 19, 2016

and tell her you are frustrated. Hitting children, is very old school. Anyone who is knowledgeable about child rearing, knows spanking is damaging to children.

Teaching someone to behave by using violence, creates a more violent kid.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201309/research-spanking-it-s-bad-all-kids

September 19, 2016

Sadly, the overwhelming incidents of child abuse of any form involve non-biological adults in romantic relationships with single parents.

While I am not a medical expert, I am the second oldest of 8 children, a single-parent myself, and the aunt of nieces and nephews ranging from 8 months to 19 years old. And I can say with some level of confidence that toddler behavior is not predictive of adult behavior and outcomes (people do not typically behave at 30 as they did when they were at 3 or even 13).

But non-related, unloving, aggressive adults in regular proximity to children, who are vulnerable by virtue of being small and dependent, can cause great and lasting harm. This relationship is harmful for all involved.

September 19, 2016

If your kid is anti-social, destructive and violent, it's unreasonable to expect people to have rosy opinions of your kid. Especially when he's being violent to MY CHILD and my pets. Destructive to my property.

Overlooking and excusing poor behavior just because it's a child is irresponsible. Poor parenting.

Good parents would recognize bad behavior leads to unpleasant consequences and would make an effort to correct their child's behavior.

Making excuses and blaming others does not help or protect anyone in this situation - the children, the adults or the pets. It may allow the mother to be complacent and defensive, but it doesn't fix anything. For her child or anyone else. It's further poor parenting.

Edited September 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted quote of deleted post ~6

September 19, 2016

To be a little more clear. The little boy is neither "acting like a typical toddler" nor is he "abusing my daughter and dog". There is a middle ground here and that is what he's doing. I have talked to the mother and she's made some changes but they are very weak and not in line with the type of disciplinary actions I would expect for this type of behavior. The fact that it's continued for so long tells me that it's ineffective discipline. To write this behavior off as "normal" is doing the kid a major disservice. No man will stick around if he continues to act like this. One of my friends had the pleasure of seeing his true personality (which only comes out after he gets over his shyness). My friend told me that he was trying to get his attention by messing up my house.

Thirdly, I wrote this post in anger because I had just finished another day where I provided all of the entertainment for the four of us. I drove. I fed everyone. Normally I pay for everyone. And I am repaid by the boy hissing at my daughter and not sharing his toys with her. He then called her a "BAD GIRL" repeatedly and sort of growled at her. When he was leaving (I was so thankful he was getting out of my house), my daughter insisted on giving him a hug. He refused her and she ran to me crying. She is always so excited to see him and he is just a little ********* to her. Any man with a daughter knows the pain and anger that comes with someone hurting his daughter. After having some time to cool off, I still feel the same way about the kid but my choice of language was probably a bit much. I can assure you that I am a kind and generous person. Youll just have to trust me on that.

Lastly, I DO NOT CALL HIM NAMES. I AM NOT OUTWARDLY MEAN TO HIM. The extent of my disapproval is sitting there as he jumps on me, trying to get my attention. Occasionally I will fuss at him for pinching my dog or being mean to my daughter. If his mom would firmly discipline him, I would have a little more leniency. Unfortunately, I don't think she sees it that way. Her own parents do about 60% of the child rearing as she works nights.

I was with someone for 12 years. I know to look for signs and stop things before they get too far. I DO love the mom but am at a point where I have to make a decision. And I know that 6 months is quite a while to figure this out but I have 50% custody and therefore my time to date is limited. It takes longer for things to surface.

Edited September 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

September 19, 2016

start using "time-out" discipline.

give him a warning, just one.

if he keeps on then he goes in "time-out".

place a marker/chair somewhere in your house, (do not use the bedroom or any other "fun" place) and have him sit there. set the timer for 3 mins.(one min for each year of his age)

do not engage him. if he gets up from "time-out" he goes back (you take him, gently) and so does the clock.

after the three mins, get down to his eye level and explain why he's in time out ( spitting, hogging the toys, being mean to the dog).

ask him to apologize to you or whoever he's offended. do not engage excuses. he stays there until he apologises. once he does, give affection at a level you feel is comfortable for you both and move on.

even if you don't end up as his step father, do the dogs and children in the world a favor because if he continues spitting, hitting and being a little ****, he won't have any friends. he will go to school and no one will pick him for their team, no one will invite him to sit with them at lunch, no one will invite him to play dates or birthday parties.

supernanny has all the info on discipline which is what he actually needs. whether he's got two parents, a dead parent or a disability. everyone in society has to behave.

They have been dating 6 months... it is NOT his place to start disciplining her child.

Have any of you noticed that his own child is not hitting anyone (including the dog), she is not spitting or taking all the toys regardless of them belonging to her or not. HIS daughter is not the problem.

He doesn't need parenting advice. He needs to know how to deal with a woman he is dating who is a rubbish parent.

If she can't say a simple no she sure as heck isn't going to start doing time outs or listening to any super nanny advice.

Get rid of her and her kid.

If my dog pees on someones carpet I do not expect them to start training my dog or clearing up after it. That is MY job.

Its called being responsible and being a responsible parent. OP is - his girlfriend isn't. Its that simple.

September 19, 2016

To be a little more clear. The little boy is neither "acting like a typical toddler" nor is he "abusing my daughter and dog". There is a middle ground here and that is what he's doing. I have talked to the mother and she's made some changes but they are very weak and not in line with the type of disciplinary actions I would expect for this type of behavior. The fact that it's continued for so long tells me that it's ineffective discipline. To write this behavior off as "normal" is doing the kid a major disservice. No man will stick around if he continues to act like this. One of my friends had the pleasure of seeing his true personality (which only comes out after he gets over his shyness). My friend told me that he was trying to get his attention by messing up my house.

Thirdly, I wrote this post in anger because I had just finished another day where I provided all of the entertainment for the four of us. I drove. I fed everyone. Normally I pay for everyone. And I am repaid by the boy hissing at my daughter and not sharing his toys with her. He then called her a "BAD GIRL" repeatedly and sort of growled at her. When he was leaving (I was so thankful he was getting out of my house), my daughter insisted on giving him a hug. He refused her and she ran to me crying. She is always so excited to see him and he is just a little ********* to her. Any man with a daughter knows the pain and anger that comes with someone hurting his daughter. After having some time to cool off, I still feel the same way about the kid but my choice of language was probably a bit much. I can assure you that I am a kind and generous person. You'll just have to trust me on that.

Lastly, I DO NOT CALL HIM NAMES. I AM NOT OUTWARDLY MEAN TO HIM. The extent of my disapproval is sitting there as he jumps on me, trying to get my attention. Occasionally I will fuss at him for pinching my dog or being mean to my daughter. If his mom would firmly discipline him, I would have a little more leniency. Unfortunately, I don't think she sees it that way. Her own parents do about 60% of the child rearing as she works nights.

I was with someone for 12 years. I know to look for signs and stop things before they get too far. I DO love the mom but am at a point where I have to make a decision. And I know that 6 months is quite a while to figure this out but I have 50% custody and therefore my time to date is limited. It takes longer for things to surface.

Teddy.

I am sorry. But get rid. Do it now because the longer you leave it the more it hurts everyone.

Just tell her you don't see things working out and that you both have different morals and goals that would clash more later. Close the door and start again.

September 19, 2016

And yes, he's hit my daughter and my dog. He terrorizes his grandparents dogs. The dogs hate him.

Regardless of whether this kid is traumatized by divorce or whatevs, hitting your daughter is flat out unacceptable.....

He may seriously hurt her one day, you need to keep your daughter away from him!

If it were me, I would end it. Mom and kid are a packaged deal.

Your first priority is to your daughter and keeping her SAFE.

You said your judgment is off, but this is like a no brainier to me.

September 19, 2016

Let's keep the posts helpful and not hurtful please, thanks

September 19, 2016

Do both of you a favor and end it.

September 19, 2016

This is a tough situation.

I dated a girl for 7 months and she had a 2-year old. She was a little terror (just like her mom), but I was able to become a strong father-figure for her.

The toughest part was the balance between disciplining her or not. The mom wanted me to treat her as my own daughter, but then would get upset when I'd discipline her.

It shouldn't be that way, IMO. Her daughter, like your GF's son, need as much healthy discipline as they can get.

Who cares if it's only been 6 months. If he's in your house, doing these things, and you're playing the role of "daddy," you have every right to discipline him.

September 19, 2016

She wants me to discipline him but i do not feel comfortable doing that. It would be easier if she disciplined him more and I assisted. I don't want to take the brunt of being the bad guy to someone else's kid. Raising my daughter is enough of a challenge.

An example of her discipline: when he first spit at me, she said "Billy, no". There was nothing about her tone or action that told him to stop. I brought it up that him spitting bothered me. She got upset and said "he's three! He was angry. It's not like he meant it." I told her that his feelings do not give him a right to act the way he wants. If this were the case, there would never be a reason to discipline anyone! My daughter spit ONE TIME. It became very clear to her that spitting was unacceptable after that.

September 19, 2016

I've actually wondered if he had some type of disability. I just don't have any experience with it. He laughs and smiles so I kind of ruled out autism (like I said, no experience though). His mom even brought it up once. I said "but he smiles and laughs". She responded "maybe he knows he's supposed to". I don't think it's my place to suggest he be tested.

Why did his mom bring up autism?

It sounds like she is aware that he has some problem behaviors. She is probably struggling more than you know to help him behave better. When a child has problem behaviors, it is exhausting. Sometimes you "pick your battles".

If he makes you angry, she should know that. That isn't something that you should hide. Tell her in a diplomatic way that her son's behavior angers you, especially when he hurts your daughter or the dog. Then problem solve. Don't blame her parenting. Just look for solutions together. This is far more productive than blaming.

If by discipline you mean "punish", she won't like you to discipline her child. But discipline can also mean redirection, which is simply getting up and redirecting the child to something more appropriate. Most parents love it when a caring adult engages with their child in that manner.

Edited September 19, 2016 by xxoo

September 19, 2016

She just said she wondered if something was wrong with him. She didn't specify autism. I just wondered if that's what it was. I feel like he's not speaking very well for his age. He is also very wound up. He never stops talking and wont leave his mom alone for long.

September 19, 2016

I actually just broke up wit her. I explained to her that her son's behavior towards my daughter was painful for me to watch. I also told her that we have very different parenting styles. She said that nothing she does is good enough (sounded just like something my ex said...probably some truth to it). She was very upset and mad at me. She said it was crazy to break up over something like that. To her credit, she did get on him yesterday about his behavior. I just felt like it's been a recurring theme. There are other issues, as well so the child was not the only thing. It appears that I'll need to move to a new thread about breakups. I actually really do love her and will miss our texts and phone calls. Ive only broken up with one other person before and I instantly regretted it. As another poster commented way back, the magical sex will not be worth it...he was right. It was the best I've ever had

September 19, 2016

My son at that age was a pain in the a$$ and when I tried to discipline him it only escalated the crying and tantrums. I called a counselor who recommended teaching him coping skills to manage his frustrations. Echoing Smackie and others on this thread. When he would have a fit I would ask if he's frustrated because his train does not work. I'd say come over here and punch this pillow. It's the pillows fault and start laughing and be goofy, and soon he would laugh and his mood would change. Then later got him into sports and he learned to focus on the problem at hand. So redirect and focus I learned works best. And lots of goofy humor. Saved on counselors fees and Ritalin.

Now he's a chill 18 year old and I often ask him what was he thinking when he was a little chap and he says sorry I was a jerk. They usually grow out of it. But hurting animals is a sign of something much worse. That needs to be nipped in the bud by professionals. Do a little of research online about children who torture animals. Show your gf the research and recommend counseling. This is how you can learn to cope. And the gf as well.

September 19, 2016

Thanks. He didn't torture my dog. He often humped and harrasssd her. Yesterday he was hitting her with a little wicker basket. He would hump her and then get worked up and pinch her. He did the same to his grandparents dogs and the dogs hate him.

September 20, 2016

...looking for some answers before I just end it all.

i really think that's your only option at this point. making it work with blending families is super hard when the kids are good, disciplined and unproblematic; making it work when they AREN'T? impossible. you'll grow restless and frustrates every single day... you don't need that kind of stress in your life at the very beginning.

September 20, 2016

I actually just broke up wit her. I explained to her that her son's behavior towards my daughter was painful for me to watch. I also told her that we have very different parenting styles. She said that nothing she does is good enough (sounded just like something my ex said...probably some truth to it). She was very upset and mad at me. She said it was crazy to break up over something like that. To her credit, she did get on him yesterday about his behavior. I just felt like it's been a recurring theme. There are other issues, as well so the child was not the only thing. It appears that I'll need to move to a new thread about breakups. I actually really do love her and will miss our texts and phone calls. Ive only broken up with one other person before and I instantly regretted it. As another poster commented way back, the magical sex will not be worth it...he was right. It was the best I've ever had

Sounds like a woman not prepared to take responsibility for her actions to me... A "woe is me the whole world hates me and I am so pathetic" type...

Nothing worse.

You have dodged a bullet. GO take your daughter and dog for a walk and enjoy some time together.

It hurts. I will give you that but you will get over it and you will now be better placed to find a woman who you do get on with and who doesn't whine and complain about not being good enough but then doesn't bother to do anything about it.

When you do find that woman the sex will also be amazing. Its not just the crazies that give good head...

September 22, 2016

Been dating a girl for about 6 months. We are both single parents. My daughter is 4 and her son is 3. My daughter is very friendly and affectionate. Her son is not. They come to my house and my daughter greets him and tries to befriend him. He turns her down and then plays with all of her toys. He sometimes calls her "BAD insert her name here!", which hurts her feelings bc she's a bit sensitive (I personally think he's a little ******* for saying this). He's even spit at me a couple times and he hissed at my daughter today. It hurts me tremendously to see her rejected. I feel like taking my belt off and whipping his ass like his absent father should be doing. My daughter can be whiney at times and cry over nothing but she's generally an excellent kid. This kid is likable to me about 3% of the time.

I'm not sure I want to continue this relationship bc of this and a few other things. Anyone have any experience with this? I don't want this little **** rubbing off on my daughter in the future. Sorry if I sound harsh.

Obviously the child lacks discipline and the biological "father" isn't there to do it for whatever reason and/or unwilling to do it. It's time to step up and be a man and show that 4yr actions have consequences now vs when they turn into entitled teenagers and then adults expecting the world for zero effort. His mother really should teaching this child to respect other people and their property. If the father isn't around she needs to wear both hats and be a rock for the child.

I'm saying this as a child raised by a single mother who on one hand was a loving caring mother and on the other hand when it came to discipline she was like a drill Sargent. Because of this none of us grew up expecting anything other than what we earned and all of us can cook, clean, repair things, balance a cheque book and function as adults. Something that's seemingly being lost as the current generation matures into adults.

September 22, 2016

Look, even with the purest heart and best intentions, you can't turn this boy around by yourself. She has to be on the same page and her actions consistent with yours before it will do any good. And if that were the case, which it isn't, you woudln't need to be proactive in this but just supportive, and that's how it should be in this situation. And yes, this will affect your little girl adversely, so it's not worth it. I would sit the woman down and tell her seriously that she needs to take a parenting course that deals with disciplining a child and practice what she learns and call you once she's got her boy under control. Having you around will hinder, not help that process because he will just blame it on you. So best she handles it and keeps that up before bringing someone into the picture. Good luck.

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GF's son is a little $hit

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