GF's son is a little $hit

[joyful]

OP is mainly upset because the GF's son doesn't like his daughter. He calls her bad, is not affectionate but plays with her toys. OP never said the little boy hit or spit on his daughter.

 

He said the little boy spit at the BF who refers to the child using profanity and describes wanting to beat him with a belt. I can only imagine what kind of aggressive, frightening energy this grown man is giving to this little boy who has in effect lost his father and now has him to deal with.

[TeddyPSmith]

I've actually wondered if he had some type of disability. I just don't have any experience with it. He laughs and smiles so I kind of ruled out autism (like I said, no experience though). His mom even brought it up once. I said "but he smiles and laughs". She responded "maybe he knows he's supposed to". I don't think it's my place to suggest he be tested.

[basil67]

OP is mainly upset because the GF's son doesn't like his daughter. He calls her bad, is not affectionate but plays with her toys. OP never said the little boy hit or spit on his daughter.

 

He said the little boy spit at the BF who refers to the child using profanity and describes wanting to beat him with a belt. I can only imagine what kind of aggressive, frightening energy this grown man is giving to this little boy who has in effect lost his father and now has him to deal with.

 

To be fair, the OP did clarify that he didn't mean literally using a belt. It was a figure of speech. And I think most of us would be struggling coping with the lad's behaviour.

[joyful]

To be fair, the OP did clarify that he didn't mean literally using a belt. It was a figure of speech. And I think most of us would be struggling coping with the lad's behaviour.

 

I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that the child referred to by the title of this thread is THREE. Sorry, there is too much negativity here to be explained merely by the child's behavior. The lad is a toddler.

 

OP said it has been a difficult year for him. Perhaps that is a factor in the anger and distress manifested in his post?

[TeddyPSmith]

And yes, he's hit my daughter and my dog. He terrorizes his grandparents dogs. The dogs hate him.

[basil67]

I've actually wondered if he had some type of disability. I just don't have any experience with it. He laughs and smiles so I kind of ruled out autism (like I said, no experience though). His mom even brought it up once. I said "but he smiles and laughs". She responded "maybe he knows he's supposed to". I don't think it's my place to suggest he be tested.

 

Auties can smile and laugh. My guy has the most infectious giggles when watching slapstick and hearing fart jokes. But with your guy, it could be other things too - even simply a learning disability.

 

You're right that you can't raise it. However, when mom wonders aloud about such things, a great response is "That's an interesting thought. I reckon it's worth ruling it out". A lot of the time when parents say these thoughts aloud, they want someone else to confirm that they aren't being ridiculous.

 

It's tough for the parents when stuff is going wrong like this. There is immense pressure on parents to not be seen as overly anxious and worrying about every missed milestone. The parents can also blame themselves for the child's behaviour and not realise that something is wrong. Then there's the whole thing about the parents being in denial. All of these things complicate matters when seeking help and diagnosis.

 

Just to be clear, I am NOT diagnosing anything here. But if there is something wrong, there are some tremendous teaching strategies for kids who don't learn in a regular way.

[basil67]

Oh and I had to teach my guy not to hit dogs too. He doesn't do that anymore, but dogs still don't like him because his behaviour can be unpredictable.

[TeddyPSmith]

Thank you, basil.

[TunaCat]

And yes, he's hit my daughter and my dog. He terrorizes his grandparents dogs. The dogs hate him.

 

Um, you haven't ended the relationship yet? I don't even LIKE kids but if I had kids and anyone EVER hit them, I'd be ending the relationship so fast their head would spin.

 

Not to mention hitting your DOG? Hello, protect BOTH your daughter & dog.

[Raena]

If you choose to stay in a relationship with this woman, the first thing I would say you should do is to lose the negative attitude towards her child and her parenting skills. If you are in it with her, then you need to be there helping her to get his behaviors under control. You can't just be a bystander complaining about what she is or isn't doing with him. Talk to her about your concerns, come up with a plan for dealing with the behaviors and go from there. If she still won't work with you on trying to help the kids adjust to each other and her child to learn better coping mechanisms and behavior then you need to walk away. Blended families are difficult to maintain in positive relationships, they are even harder when you see the child as an adversary. You seem very angry with this little boy for what could be considered normal testing behavior of a toddler. What would you do if this were your own child? Whatever way you approach him, do it in the same way you would if he were your own.

[bathtub-row]

If I were you, I'd run away from this situation. Not because of the kid but because his mom is obviously an inept mother. If she thinks hitting and spitting and name-calling and cruelty to animals is ok, then you've got a serious problem on your hands. She's basically raising a little monster. And you really shouldn't be sitting back letting these things happen. You should've had a heart to heart with her about this a long time ago.

 

I have a friend who lost many gf's because of his ill-behaved kids. At one point he wanted to date me but I wouldn't dream of being around those kids for anything in the world. They were little psychos and now they're grown up psychos. Your gf needs to wise up about her lack of parenting and how it's affecting her son and those around her.

[basil67]

Teddy, many posters seem to have the view that your girlfriend is not attempting to address his behaviour. Is this the case? Is she watching it and doing nothing?

 

Or is she trying (and failing) to address it?

 

And just an aside, when you talk about this issues, just watch your language. The child himself is not a $hit. It's his behaviour which is ****ty. Better yet, his behaviour is challenging. It's a small thing, but really important.

Edited September 19, 2016 by basil67

[Toodaloo]

I ended a relationship with a single mother because she would do nothing to discipline her two-year-old son. This kid was a terror and would seem to try to tear my apartment apart. She thought everything he did was "cute" and deserved praise. I drew the line when he tried to destroy my electronics - my stereo equipment, television equipment, video game console and so forth.

 

She also had a creepy way of kissing and hugging this kid and calling him her "lover".

 

She and he had to go.

 

I would definitely draw the line at my daughter's welfare. Wouldn't hesitate to send her and her snot-nosed brat out the door.

 

I am with this.

 

There is nothing less attractive than a bad parent. The pair of you clearly have very different ideas on how children should be raised and that will cause major issues later.

 

The child has issues and his mother should be sorting that out rather than dating...

[elaine567]

He gets to hit the dogs and hit your daughter with little reaction from his mother.

Remove yourself and your daughter, as one day your dog will bite him and it will be your dog that is put down, or the dog at the end of its tether may lash out at your daughter too. It is a dangerous situation. Do not let it continue.

Your daughter who atm is sweet and kind will be corrupted by him, and one day if you stick around long enough he will be hitting you..

 

As you say your picker is off and you are all over the place.

DO NOT stick around here, nothing good will come of this for you, your daughter. or your dog

Edited September 19, 2016 by elaine567

[introverted1]

I can't comment on the child (autism, etc.) but the mom is not parenting well. And the bad parenting will manifest itself in even worse behaviors as the boy gets older.

 

Cruelty to animals is a big deal. It's correlated to criminal behavior. Not saying this kid's fate is sealed, but if mom is not going to step up and provide the discipline and guidance (and possibly counseling) this child needs, the situation is just going to get worse, not better.

 

Not sure what your goal is in dating, but I could never have dated someone whose parenting style was so contrary to my own when my kids were young.

 

I'd pass on this one.

[Art_Critic]

Cruelty to animals is a big deal. It's correlated to criminal behavior.

 

Seriously.. the child is 3, a tiny toddler...

 

He seems to be making a mountain out of a mole hill...

There is no way a 3 year is hated by his grandparents because of his behavior and this 3 year old is terrorizing the family.. hahahahaha

 

It comes down to what the thread starter can handle, if he can't handle the blended family environment then he has to cut the relationship loose, blended family stuff isn't for the faint hearted and he doesn't seem to like the kid..

 

My advice is for him to talk to the Mom and see if it can be worked out, otherwise he needs to cut bait.

[joyful]

Many of the comments on this post would apply more readily to an older, either pre-school aged or school-aged, child. Many three-year-olds are still in diapers (at least partially or at night.) And this one has already endured parental abandonment and other family disruptions, including mom's relationship with a distressed and recently divorced new BF.

 

Sounds like both a breakup and counseling for mom and son are in order.

[basil67]

All this flack aimed at the mother!! Until the OP confirms that the mother does nothing or has inconsistent parenting skills we can't blame bad parenting.

 

Kids with special needs (something both the OP and his partner have suspected) DON'T respond to regular parenting techniques. I was walking in the shoes of the OPs partner before my son got a diagnoses at age 4.

 

To my shame, I even spanked my child because he just wouldn't do the right behaviour at all. I worked really hard at trying to parent and couldn't understand why he was ignoring me. I'd run out of alternatives. Turns out that he had a disability. I was spanking and punishing a disabled child who couldn't understand what I was trying to teach. Does this sound like good parenting to any of you? After all, isn't this what you're suggesting?

 

I'm the first to admit that this child's behaviour is completely unacceptable. And yet so common in the special needs community. If this kid has a learning difference, the behaviour can't be addressed by commonsense parenting. And she is not a bad parent.

[joyful]

All this flack aimed at the mother!! Until the OP confirms that the mother does nothing or has inconsistent parenting skills we can't blame bad parenting.

 

Kids with special needs (something both the OP and his partner have suspected) DON'T respond to regular parenting techniques. I was walking in the shoes of the OPs partner before my son got a diagnoses at age 4.

 

To my shame, I even spanked my child because he just wouldn't do the right behaviour at all. I worked really hard at trying to parent and couldn't understand why he was ignoring me. I'd run out of alternatives. Turns out that he had a disability. I was spanking and punishing a disabled child who couldn't understand what I was trying to teach. Does this sound like good parenting to any of you? After all, isn't this what you're suggesting?

 

I'm the first to admit that this child's behaviour is completely unacceptable. And yet so common in the special needs community. If this kid has a learning difference, the behaviour can't be addressed by commonsense parenting. And she is not a bad parent.

 

I think the mom and son need counseling because the family has been through a good deal of loss and trauma already. And the fact that the mom has partnered with a man who has such hostility toward her child is actually more worrisome to me than her toddler's acting out.

 

I am not convinced that the child's behavior is particularly outrageous given what he has been through in his young life. But, ultimately, that is for a medical professional to assess.

[basil67]

Yes, she most definitely needs help. A trip to a paediatrician and child psychologist pronto.

 

I do kind of understand where the OP's anger and frustration is coming from though. Trying to parent my son in the early days (when I didn't know what I was doing) had me experience a level of anger and frustration which I didn't know existed. While I wouldn't have ever actually hurt him, I did find the place that kind of rage comes from.

 

Raising my daughter (smart, well behaved, polite) was a completely different experience. She is now 17 and I'm yet to raise my voice at her.

[road]

This kid is a dream.

 

 

What kind of a dream?

 

 

A nightmare.

 

 

Dump this woman ASAP.

 

 

Why?

 

 

Stop this boy from abusing his daughter and dog.

 

 

The price to pay if this boy never straightens out is not worth the sex he is getting. The damage done to his daughter, etc, is not worth the sex he is getting.

 

 

This woman may have magic skills in bed but her parenting skills are so opposed to yours that out of the bed there will be constant fights until in the bed gets effected.

 

 

This boy is a bad seed.

[joyful]

Yes, she most definitely needs help. A trip to a paediatrician and child psychologist pronto.

 

I do kind of understand where the OP's anger and frustration is coming from though. Trying to parent my son in the early days (when I didn't know what I was doing) had me experience a level of anger and frustration which I didn't know existed. While I wouldn't have ever actually hurt him, I did find the place that kind of rage comes from.

 

Raising my daughter (smart, well behaved, polite) was a completely different experience. She is now 17 and I'm yet to raise my voice at her.

 

Yes, I hear you. But he is not the little boy's dad. I am not sure that I can understand that kind of anger and frustration directed at SOMEONE ELSE'S child. It seems like a lot of displaced anger, fear, upset about how his own family (with ex-wife and daughter) turned out.

[bathtub-row]

Here's the problem with bad parenting -- it may not be the kid's fault but the kid is the one who will pay the price for it. Any parent who thinks they're being loving by not disciplining is doing a huge disservice to their child.

 

And, yes, kids are very cognizant at 3 and can easily be taught right from wrong. Divorced or not, kids need structure and guidance and stability. They cannot be given concessions just because their parents aren't together. It teaches them to treat their situation like a crutch. It's not. I raised a very stable, mature child into a hard-working and loving adult. Divorce is not an obstacle to raising great kids.

[joyful]

Here's the problem with bad parenting -- it may not be the kid's fault but the kid is the one who will pay the price for it. Any parent who thinks they're being loving by not disciplining is doing a huge disservice to their child.

 

And, yes, kids are very cognizant at 3 and can easily be taught right from wrong. Divorced or not, kids need structure and guidance and stability. They cannot be given concessions just because their parents aren't together. It teaches them to treat their situation like a crutch. It's not. I raised a very stable, mature child into a hard-working and loving adult. Divorce is not an obstacle to raising great kids.

 

Agree 100%. And I trust that part of raising a stable, mature child as a single parent is being being careful about romantic partners whose attitudes and behaviors have a strong and lasting impact on said child.

[ChatroomHero]

Been in the same situation. 3 year old and 2 other kids. The oldest didn't cause problems other than normal kid things and fights with the middle kid(which was every day), the middle kid would throw fits but more pouting than anything. The 3 year old was uncontrolled and allowed to do anything.

 

 

I reached my end when I was in the living room with my ex and her 3 year old and he was laughing as he was throwing a golf ball at my big screen tv. I waited for her to correct him. I waited in disbelief as he did it 10 times without her saying a word. I sternly said, "Hey, that's enough, stop it". I didn't yell, I didn't really raise my voice, I just wasn't all sweet and lovey dovey. The mom flipped out on me...don't yell at my kid, I'll discipline him...she couldn't understand that I didn't find it acceptable that her kid was literally trying to break a tv that cost more than she made in 2 months at work. Yet she spanked him one time out of the blue when he had taken lipstick out of her purse and wrote on paper with it. I asked her what the big deal was and she said that lipstick was hard to find. She also yelled when the kid did something that she cared enough about to stop him.

 

 

Here's the problem - She sees no issue with her kid's behavior. She will let her kid hit dogs, other kids, act like a little sh*t and the kid will learn he can do whatever he feels without consequence of punishment.

 

 

I bet any money that OPs gf lets her kid do anything without punishment until the kid breaks something important to her or spits on her or hits her dog and then all hell breaks loose and mom swats the hell out of him and throws him in his room.

 

 

You won't see eye to eye. She will by her actions be teaching the kid it is ok to act that way towards your daughter and dog. The kid will continue to act that way toward your daughter and dog.

 

 

I would bail as this says a lot about her.