GF's son is a little $hit

[TeddyPSmith]

Been dating a girl for about 6 months. We are both single parents. My daughter is 4 and her son is 3. My daughter is very friendly and affectionate. Her son is not. They come to my house and my daughter greets him and tries to befriend him. He turns her down and then plays with all of her toys. He sometimes calls her "BAD insert her name here!", which hurts her feelings bc she's a bit sensitive (I personally think he's a little ******* for saying this). He's even spit at me a couple times and he hissed at my daughter today. It hurts me tremendously to see her rejected. I feel like taking my belt off and whipping his ass like his absent father should be doing. My daughter can be whiney at times and cry over nothing but she's generally an excellent kid. This kid is likable to me about 3% of the time.

 

I'm not sure I want to continue this relationship bc of this and a few other things. Anyone have any experience with this? I don't want this little **** rubbing off on my daughter in the future. Sorry if I sound harsh.

[Art_Critic]

Well, if you want to end the relationship you go right ahead and take your belt out and hit a 3 year old with it, might as well get your lawyer ready to cause you will be arrested...who does that ?

 

The child is 3 and in the midst of understanding his parents aren't together..

The very least you could show some compassion instead of comparing your children, they all have differing lines of what their little brains can handle at that age.

 

I think you should do your GF a favor and break up, things are only going to go downhill from here and you don't seem like you are ready to show enough compassion to a little child who needs it.

[minimariah]

Anyone have any experience with this?

 

break it off - this is a HUGE problem & it will only get worse. different parenting styles is an obstacle when you're a parent dating another parent so... move on from the situation & keep looking.

[Blanco]

End the relationship. It's not your place or right to discipline the child, which will only incense you more when he continues to act up.

[JewelD]

I agree with art, lots of 3 year olds are little jerks, but he doesn't really know you that well and it's a complicated situation. and him being mean to your daughter, that seems fairly normal for boys and girls.

 

The spitting though, that's a discipline issue. It would have taken the grace of God to stop me from popping his behind, too, but that's your gf's job. Why didn't she do anything about this behavior? Why are you in a committed relationship without having seen if you like each other's kids and the kids like each other beforehand?

[smackie9]

I say don't end the relationship but tell her that the stress of his new surroundings is too much for the lad and should be home with a babysitter. He is way too young to be introduced to an new situation. You have only been dating for 6 months.....it's still too early to expect a blended family.

[Deidre]

I'm torn on whether or not to stay in the relationship. I don't have kids so it must be hard to blend families, especially in the dating phase. If you break up, the same thing could happen in another relationship, so if you really care for the person you're with, maybe try to compromise and figure this out...together.

[joyful]

why not show the single mother you are dating what you have written about her three-year-old son and let her decide the fate of your relationship?

 

seriously, reading your post made my stomach hurt.

[smackie9]

Too add, this child could use some counseling. He is acting out because he just doesn't know how to cope. He needs help NOW or this will affect him into adulthood.

[JewelD]

Too add, this child could use some counseling. He is acting out because he just doesn't know how to cope. He needs help NOW or this will affect him into adulthood.

 

He also needs his behind whooped. I'm guessing his mother is one of those "sit in the corner and think about what you've done" parents. Or one who just doesn't think his behavior is a big deal.

[TeddyPSmith]

I would obviously never whip the boy. The most I do is tell him NO as he's hitting my dog or sometimes hitting my daughter. I feel strongly about this bc I raise my daughter to be kind and respectful. If she ever spit on someone, particularly an adult, she would possibly get spanked but absolutely punished and made to apologize. He constantly tells his mom that he isn't going to do what she says or that he wants something now. I WANT to like the kid and believe it or not, I'm a very compassionate person. I thought I could be a role mode for him but I can't get past the way he treats my daughter. SHE also has to deal with divorced parents but he is lucky in a sense in that his dad actually is absent. He would probably be better to not know the dad (total deadbeat). I appreciate the advice and I realize that putting this on the web opens me up to all forms of criticism but please, if you don't have anything constructive to say or want to suggest that I'm abusive, just go elsewhere. I'm looking for advice

[joyful]

My advice would be to keep in mind that you are talking about a toddler who has lost his dad (for all intents and purposes) and whose mom has just brought another man -- with potential sibling/competitor in tow -- into his life.

 

And, beyond that, keep in mind that the new guy refers to said toddler as a "little $hit."

[SammySammy]

I ended a relationship with a single mother because she would do nothing to discipline her two-year-old son. This kid was a terror and would seem to try to tear my apartment apart. She thought everything he did was "cute" and deserved praise. I drew the line when he tried to destroy my electronics - my stereo equipment, television equipment, video game console and so forth.

 

She also had a creepy way of kissing and hugging this kid and calling him her "lover".

 

She and he had to go.

 

I would definitely draw the line at my daughter's welfare. Wouldn't hesitate to send her and her snot-nosed brat out the door.

[smackie9]

The discipline falls on your GF....if she can't step up and be a parent then that speaks volumes on what kind of person she is if she can't correct the boy immediately when it happens.

 

deadbeat doesn't always mean a bad parent. I suspect you are only getting her side of the story......so who really knows if he is such a bad person....I would question it based on the continued bad behavior of the boy.

[Art_Critic]

Too add, this child could use some counseling. He is acting out because he just doesn't know how to cope. He needs help NOW or this will affect him into adulthood.

 

I agree with this..

 

In a previous life I was the Step Dad of a 4 year old for 5 years and was dealt a similar case of rejection and the child being mean..

 

In the end the only way I won her love was patience and to show my love to her..the moment I reacted instead of acting I would lose her.

 

The counseling helped, by the time she was 6 she was telling me she loved me and calling me Dad...today she is 24 and quite the nice young lady.

 

I think the the only option he has is to talk with the Mother but if he expects that little 3 year old to toe his line it isn't gonna work..

He needs to show him compassion, love and patience not lighting up his butt.. that would be the Mother's job to do..

 

He needs to keep doing what he is doing.. teach the child the right way to react to scenarios, the moment he reacts instead of acting he will not listen to him.

 

As far as the belt, dude.. you posted that not me.. taking a belt to a 3 year old IMO is abusive.

I'm glad you wouldn't do that...

[JewelD]

I would obviously never whip the boy. The most I do is tell him NO as he's hitting my dog or sometimes hitting my daughter. I feel strongly about this bc I raise my daughter to be kind and respectful. If she ever spit on someone, particularly an adult, she would possibly get spanked but absolutely punished and made to apologize. He constantly tells his mom that he isn't going to do what she says or that he wants something now. I WANT to like the kid and believe it or not, I'm a very compassionate person. I thought I could be a role mode for him but I can't get past the way he treats my daughter. SHE also has to deal with divorced parents but he is lucky in a sense in that his dad actually is absent. He would probably be better to not know the dad (total deadbeat). I appreciate the advice and I realize that putting this on the web opens me up to all forms of criticism but please, if you don't have anything constructive to say or want to suggest that I'm abusive, just go elsewhere. I'm looking for advice

 

It might help to not look at him as a fully formed being. He's basically an extension of your gf. He's learned this behavior from somewhere and she's not putting a stop to it. It's really her fault, so I'd direct some of that anger at her.

 

But hitting your dog and your daughter?? Seriously, why are you not addressing this with his mother?? and I wouldn't let him be around my kids or animals after that. I'd probably end it.

[TeddyPSmith]

Ok can we drop the belt thing? It's a figure of speech from a time long ago. I think you understand what I'm saying...the kid needs discipline. As for the dad being a deadbeat, he pays no child support and pops in for an hour every couple weeks. He has no part in the kid's life. If that isn't at least part of the definition of deadbeat, I don't know what is. Of course there are two sides but I only have what's in front of me to go off of.

 

I don't want to give the impression that I'm sitting here letting this happen. We've talked about it. In case you haven't done it, telling a mother that she's not disciplining her child doesn't always go over well. It's touchy. But here I am, on a forum, looking for some answers before I just end it all. The line IS drawn at my daughter's welfare. I just want to check the calibration of my views against ither people's (my belt reference makes me think my views could be slightly more traditional).

[JewelD]

Ok can we drop the belt thing? It's a figure of speech from a time long ago. I think you understand what I'm saying...the kid needs discipline. As for the dad being a deadbeat, he pays no child support and pops in for an hour every couple weeks. He has no part in the kid's life. If that isn't at least part of the definition of deadbeat, I don't know what is. Of course there are two sides but I only have what's in front of me to go off of.

 

I don't want to give the impression that I'm sitting here letting this happen. We've talked about it. In case you haven't done it, telling a mother that she's not disciplining her child doesn't always go over well. It's touchy. But here I am, on a forum, looking for some answers before I just end it all. The line IS drawn at my daughter's welfare. I just want to check the calibration of my views against ither people's (my belt reference makes me think my views could be slightly more traditional).

 

Touchy, my ass. If somebody's child were hitting/spitting at me, my kids or my pets and the parent didn't want to do anything, that's it, that's the END. What else is there to talk about? His mother sounds like the real little **** here.

[joyful]

The line IS drawn at my daughter's welfare.

 

It seems that you should end it for BOTH children's welfare. Your daughter has to a contend with a 3-year-old who doesn't like her. Your girlfriend's son has to contend with being disliked by his mom's new BF, which will ultimately have a far greater impact.

[SammySammy]

Ok can we drop the belt thing? It's a figure of speech from a time long ago. I think you understand what I'm saying...the kid needs discipline. As for the dad being a deadbeat, he pays no child support and pops in for an hour every couple weeks. He has no part in the kid's life. If that isn't at least part of the definition of deadbeat, I don't know what is. Of course there are two sides but I only have what's in front of me to go off of.

 

I don't want to give the impression that I'm sitting here letting this happen. We've talked about it. In case you haven't done it, telling a mother that she's not disciplining her child doesn't always go over well. It's touchy. But here I am, on a forum, looking for some answers before I just end it all. The line IS drawn at my daughter's welfare. I just want to check the calibration of my views against ither people's (my belt reference makes me think my views could be slightly more traditional).

 

I understand.

 

I remember watching this kid stuff chewed paper into my PlayStation while his mother sat there with this dumb grin on her face talking about how "adorable" he was.

 

I wanted to kick her and him square in the ass, but I didn't. Just ended the relationship.

 

You're right. The kid (and the mother) needs discipline, but that's not your place.

 

Do what you have to do. Protect your daughter and move on.

[TeddyPSmith]

I understand.

 

I remember watching this kid stuff chewed paper into my PlayStation while his mother sat there with this dumb grin on her face talking about how "adorable" he was.

 

I wanted to kick her and him square in the ass, but I didn't. Just ended the relationship.

 

You're right. The kid (and the mother) needs discipline, but that's not your place.

 

Do what you have to do. Protect your daughter and move on.

 

Thanks bro. Just wanted to know I'm not the only that's felt this way.

[TeddyPSmith]

Touchy, my ass. If somebody's child were hitting/spitting at me, my kids or my pets and the parent didn't want to do anything, that's it, that's the END. What else is there to talk about? His mother sounds like the real little **** here.

 

You might be right. I'm trying to decide about the mom, too. It's been a very hard year for me. My judgement is off. I'm having a hard time making decisions.

[blackcat777]

I am not a kidsy person and this would be an absolute deal breaker.

 

I know a lot of kids can be pains in the butt. Some of them go through phases. Some of them need help coping. Some of them need better parenting. Some of them whatever.

 

In any case, this situation would definitely not be for me.

[joyful]

Every single person on this board was three once and did annoying, destructive things.

 

The fortunate among us had adults who loved and valued us more than their electronics.

[basil67]

Teddy, you've had advice talking about how his behaviour could be the manifestation of his anxiety and confusion about his family breakup. And they could be right. But have you considered that the boy may have some type of disability. My parenting background is autism, and for this (and other disabilities) the type of behaviour you're describing is not at all uncommon.

 

Either way, the mother and the child need professional help. A paediatrician and child psychologist would be a good start. The child psychologist can also help the mother with new parenting strategies.

 

All that being said, if the mother refuses to get help for her child and learn appropriate parenting strategies to suit his needs, you are best to walk away. I always believe it's worth staying with someone who's doing their best to fix a problem and to leave someone who refuses to address the issue.