How to get back into dating? I feel like there's something wrong with me.

[surfride]

Ok I'm going to lay it all out I guess. This will be a long post, but if anyone has the time to help me, I really appreciate it.

 

Ultimately I want a companion -- someone I can love, but my limited experiences with relationships and dating have been traumatic and make me run away from love/serious relationships.

 

A couple of years ago I had my first relationship and I didn't take the end of it well. It had a pretty big impact on me I guess. In the relationship I gave it my all and treated her with a lot of respect. I did a lot of "thoughtful" things for her as she said and treated her like a queen. But she took it all for granted and cheated on me with another guy.

 

When she dumped me she wrote me a letter and never talked about it in person. In the letter she told me the reason why things needed to end so suddenly was that she no longer felt the "spark." The letter didn't mention the guy. I found out about the guy a few months later when her relationship status on facebook changed and one of our mutual friends told me the real reason why she dumped me (she started dating him a week before our relationship ended). Needless to say I blocked her out completely after I saw this.

 

They're still dating. And I have to say that it's had a pretty traumatic impact on me. I am by no means interested in dating her anymore (because I want to be with someone who cares about me and I understand now that she didn't), but everything that transpired messed with my personality and completely changed my approach to courting women.

 

I couldn't understand why she would leave me for this guy because I couldn't think of stuff that I did wrong in our relationship - I was a good boyfriend to her, which she even said in her breakup letter. Without a definitive reason, I started to criticize myself on a bunch of small things that I don't like about me, and this damaged my self esteem. I wondered why she could be so happy with him...I personally knew him and knew that he cheated on previous girlfriends, was emotionally abusive, and couldn't commit to just one girl.

 

Taking all of this in, I studied about how his behavior is considered to be more attractive to girls at my age (early 20s) than to be a good guy who cares too much and started taking these teachings to heart.

 

Now I haven't been able to commit to girls because I can't trust them. The past year I've just been hooking up with girls and I don't give them much (if any) care. It makes me really sad that the type of behavior I have now has girls wanting me a lot more than my first girlfriend did. Girls that I know I'm treating like crap still reach out to me and desperately want me. All of this makes me feel like I have to continue down this destructive path because it's the only thing that works... I can't be my real self with a girl. If I show too much emotion she will get turned off and will want to leave for someone else.

 

I think the deeper truth here is that I'm too scared to be vulnerable again. I'm scared that the real me isn't good enough to be loved.

 

Growing up I came from a divorced family and had an abusive father. I grew up in an environment that said that those close to me won't love me, that I don't deserve to be loved, but I wanted to challenge all of that.

 

I think that's what made me try so hard to be a good boyfriend in my first relationship. I think that's what made me take the breakup and getting left for another guy so hard. The events that occurred gave this overarching reinforcement to my psyche that the real me doesn't deserve to be loved, even if that's what I want. And it's hurting me a lot more than I'd like to admit. It doesn't help that from what I know now my ex is having a really good life without me, as if the breakup didn't affect her at all and maybe even made her relieved.

 

If she really cared about me, I wish she could have known how much all of this has hurt me and changed me. I always hoped that at some point she would have at least apologized for being so dishonest and disrespectful with me, but I realize that she probably will never see it that way. She never really contacted me after she wrote her letter.

 

I want to date someone again, but only if I can be vulnerable and be the real me. I liked that feeling because even though I got hurt loving the wrong person, I was being the real me. A month ago I fell for my best friend of 4 years and she turned me down, but it made me excited to know that part of me still wants to feel something real. I didn't think I could feel those feelings again. Before I can date someone again however I realize that I have a lot of work to do for myself.

 

I don't know, maybe posting here was the first step. I don't really even know what I was looking for when posting this -- maybe to just get out my thoughts. Can someone give share some advice or just tell me it's going to be okay?

[Shanex]

Poignant story, I'm not reading anything wrong with you and I am sorry this sort of thing happened to you especially for a first relationship, it's heartbreaking. Treating her like a queen, uh, you know. Some people call that the White Knight syndrome and sadly some heartless women will manipulate men like that.

 

It was some years ago. You're early 20s.. the only problem I'm seeing (yes, one) is that she might have crushed you because you're overly emotional both during and after the end of the relationship. No offense. Time helps heal and you will. Probably you should've already. I think that you are ready for a second relationship with a woman who will respect you.

 

I also understand you're more venting that actually asking something. If you want to know if you're ready to date again, I'm thinking so... being cheated on in an awful way, and the karma made that she went with another serial cheater.

 

My advice, you were very young and head over heels, this subside when guys age and mature, even though women like to be valued and pursued, let them chase you around a bit...

[smackie9]

Ya stop putting your GF up on a pedestal......women don't want a doormat or a guy that is too available. You need to make yourself a challenge....to be desirable is to be less available. It releases dopamine in the female brain....it's biological. It's the way it is.