oceansaway Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Doing some reading....extremely interesting quote. "Affair love is an illusion, based on a lie, fueled by fantasy, protected by self-justification, insecurity and ego. It NEVER delivers on any expectations." 1
NeotericJack Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Doing some reading....extremely interesting quote. "Affair love is an illusion, based on a lie, fueled by fantasy, protected by self-justification, insecurity and ego. It NEVER delivers on any expectations." Where did you read that? I think it's nonsense. 1
aileD Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Is it an illusion? No, Is it based in a lie? Yes Is it fuels by fantasy? Absolutely Protected by self-justifications? Yes. Insecurity & ego? Yes Never delivers on expectations? ...untrue but also unlikely 4
cocorico Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Doing some reading....extremely interesting quote. "Affair love is an illusion, based on a lie, fueled by fantasy, protected by self-justification, insecurity and ego. It NEVER delivers on any expectations." "Interesting" in the sense of "how many cliches can you string together?", perhaps. Our love was not an illusion. It wasn't based on any lying. Fantasy? Nope. We were pretty reality-based throughout. Self-justification, insecurity and ego? OTC, a great deal of introspection, IC, and a striving for authenticity (hence him leaving the toxic M). And as for not delivering on expectations- perhaps not, as it's far exceeded those. But then, reality isn't going to sell self-help books.... 4
bathtub-row Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 (edited) Read the book Gone by Morning. It's a novel about a couple trying to rekindle after their affair ended. He leaves his wife and tries to get his former mistress back. Interesting discussions between them about how much pain is involved when that person is lost. Very realistic in a lot of ways. I thought it was good to finally read something positive instead all the negativity surrounding affairs and whether they're real or not. Edited September 19, 2016 by bathtub-row 1
goodyblue Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 You must respond with ten characters. My instinct was to post ten eye roll ten emojis. Seriously. I am far happier than most people I know who began without an affair being part of the dynamic.
DKT3 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Is it an illusion? No, Is it based in a lie? Yes Is it fuels by fantasy? Absolutely Protected by self-justifications? Yes. Insecurity & ego? Yes Never delivers on expectations? ...untrue but also unlikely How can it be real if it's based on lies and mostly fantasy? I believe in most cases women fall in love with what THEY believe mm/om is and not based on who he actually is. So in a way she is feeling in love with the idea of her own creation. Which is what causes so much pain, as time goes MM starts to reveal his true self which can't possibly be what mw/ow has created in her heart and mind. In my opinion the quote is on in most cases. 1
cocorico Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 How can it be real if it's based on lies and mostly fantasy? that's the marriage. If the WS is lying to anyone, it's the BS. Hence, the M is based on lies rather than the A. Some As may also involve lies, but many do not - whereas all Ms featuring infidelity are of necessity based on lies. 2
DKT3 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 that's the marriage. If the WS is lying to anyone, it's the BS. Hence, the M is based on lies rather than the A. Some As may also involve lies, but many do not - whereas all Ms featuring infidelity are of necessity based on lies. Nah, it's not based on a lie, it's based on what they had when they got married, now what it's turned into is another story. However, most of the time AP are lying to everyone, why mw/ow can't see that amazes me. 6
OneLov Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Emotions are incredibly subjective. Who knows what two people are feeling? I think it's better practice to take a person at his/her word than try to act as the ultimate authority on love. There's people who say they were in love and others who said they were not. I think the better approach is evaluating the emotions in a case-by-case basis rather than issue blanket statements. Would you tell the lady who "married" the Eiffel Tower and who is president of Object Sexuality Internationale that it's impossible for a human to fall in love with an object? It's impossible for me. But I cannot say that about the entire human race because obviously there's a few who feel otherwise.
Furious Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Doing some reading....extremely interesting quote. "Affair love is an illusion, based on a lie, fueled by fantasy, protected by self-justification, insecurity and ego. It NEVER delivers on any expectations." Sometimes, it's not the first affair that is reality based for some folks. Some see their affair is reality but not their partner's past affairs. Some ow/om know that they're not the first affair for their married person, but their affair is the exception to being "real love". Semantics
wmacbride Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 that's the marriage. If the WS is lying to anyone, it's the BS. Hence, the M is based on lies rather than the A. Some As may also involve lies, but many do not - whereas all Ms featuring infidelity are of necessity based on lies. Sorry but in my opinion, this is bull, absolute unadulterated biased bull. If this is true, then why are there so many women and men posting in the ow.om side who report who their lives have been shattered by the lies they were told by the mm/mw? The bolded statement is like saying " some who buy a lotttery ticket may be blowing their money, but many are not". I will agree with you that , during the A, much of the marriage is a lie, but then again, so is the A. 1
aileD Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Agreed. Affairs are based on lies. Doesn't matter who is lying to who. He's lying to his wife, ow is lying to her coworkers about where she sneaks off for lunch to, etc. even if you end up together and blissfully happy, lies were still involved to get you there. It's nice that some of you have beautiful love stories that started out as affairs, but let's not be naive to how they started. When two people decided not to respect the marriage of the third. It's great it worked out for some bit you still had a hand in hurting someone else and overstepping boundaries. Because the TRUTH Is, that Your MM would have already been divorced and single if he really had wanted to be when he met you.
BluesPower Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 cocorico, I just have to say that if your affair worked out I really am happy, especially if someone got out of a toxic relationship. But for me, I had several of my OW fall really hard for me and I was completely honest with this from the start. I just really don't understand it. They just seemed to be living in some fantasy world that I was not. I liked some of the a lot, I enjoyed the sex with all of them, but I never loved them. Even if I was honest the whole time, I still felt like S*** when they got all heartbroken. All of that was a drag. If everything worked out I am glad for you, but from my side of the street, I hurt a lot of women and it made me feel worse about myself than I already did. For most people the affair is an illusion, or that is what I have seen.
Osmium13 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 I don't think affair love (or any other kind) can be generalised in single sentence. Every person is different, every circumstance different. 1
cocorico Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Because the TRUTH Is, that Your MM would have already been divorced and single if he really had wanted to be when he met you. Really? In our case, it was what he wanted. He foolishly agreed to take the (nowX)W back when she begged, because of the kids (who'd been traumatised by the way she handled the separation.) He subsequently deeply regretted taking her back, but didn't feel he could throw her out so soon after the last separation because of the kids, so had resigned himself to surviving the next few years until they were old enough to face another split - which was what happened. Yes, he should not have been so naive to believe her promises of reform. And yes, he could probably have done more to offset her behaviour that traumatised the kids. And yes, he should have listened to family and friends warning him about her. But he couldn't unring that bell, and because - like most parents - he put his kids' needs above his own, he was stuck for a while. Not everyone is where they want to be at every point in time. Sometimes you have to bide your time and work towards your goal, to get where you want to be.
Got it Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Sorry but in my opinion, this is bull, absolute unadulterated biased bull. If this is true, then why are there so many women and men posting in the ow.om side who report who their lives have been shattered by the lies they were told by the mm/mw? The bolded statement is like saying " some who buy a lotttery ticket may be blowing their money, but many are not". I will agree with you that , during the A, much of the marriage is a lie, but then again, so is the A. No one is saying that some don't tell lies but not all. My affair did not have lies between us in it. That was actually what attracted me about the affair, the actual blunt honesty that I had in it that I didn't have in my marriage (which I completely own as my fault). So, no, broadbrushing it doesn't work. Not all are, though some absolutely can be. 1
Got it Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Agreed. Affairs are based on lies. Doesn't matter who is lying to who. He's lying to his wife, ow is lying to her coworkers about where she sneaks off for lunch to, etc. even if you end up together and blissfully happy, lies were still involved to get you there. It's nice that some of you have beautiful love stories that started out as affairs, but let's not be naive to how they started. When two people decided not to respect the marriage of the third. It's great it worked out for some bit you still had a hand in hurting someone else and overstepping boundaries. Because the TRUTH Is, that Your MM would have already been divorced and single if he really had wanted to be when he met you. Yes and no. As a wayward myself, I was not divorced but it wasn't lack of desire. I would say the affair was the impetus needed to make the final decisions but it was something that I had been working towards for the past year or so. Deciding to divorce can be a process and I know that, since I had been with my husband since high school, there was a lot to work through. Ultimately it did come down to timing and just coincidence that the affair started but it was also the final straw for me since I had only had sex with one person so having sex with someone else was a major black and white glaring sign for me that meant I was beyond done and needed to stop allowing fear of the unknown and just laziness keep me in a marriage that wasn't fair to either one of us. I have posted here before but there were some key moments that happened in that last year that lead me to the decision to divorce, moments that had to happen so I knew I was done and could not stay for any other reason. I had to have those emotional moments (all were prior to the affair or even knowing my AP) For my husband, he wasn't divorced because he didn't want to leave his kids. He and his wife coparented well, they didn't have a close relationship especially after discovering her affair but it was good enough. He planned to stay until the kids turned 18 and then leave. Financially he didn't think it would be best to leave and really while he wasn't happy he wasn't miserable especially to what he had already gone through. There was a flatness, he said, that allowed you to just focus on other things. The affair sped up the time line and had to really work through his emotions towards his kids. So, yes, ideally we would have been divorced and single and if we could have seen into the future I am sure we would have done that ahead of time, but one can't predict the future so it isn't always so simplistic or able to be wrapped up in a nice little bow.
DKT3 Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 No one is saying that some don't tell lies but not all. My affair did not have lies between us in it. That was actually what attracted me about the affair, the actual blunt honesty that I had in it that I didn't have in my marriage (which I completely own as my fault). So, no, broadbrushing it doesn't work. Not all are, though some absolutely can be. Not some can be, but most are. However to be totally fair there is alot of it in all kinds of romantic relationships.
Got it Posted September 20, 2016 Posted September 20, 2016 Not some can be, but most are. However to be totally fair there is alot of it in all kinds of romantic relationships. I agree and definitely saw myself doing it in my previous relationships. Trying to be who I thought the other person wanted me to be or who I thought I should be. It was poor lessons learned from childhood where I fragmented myself to fit. It was something that I had to learn to be fully me, as fearful as that was, and accept not being accepted or wanted but standing on my own two feet and being true to myself. Not the best avenue to discover it but I am glad I did learn the lesson and something I still have to be cognizant of and do. My slippery slope is a big part in this area and to hide pieces of me. So I am completely transparent which is scary. Not because I have anything to hide but because I am leaving myself vulnerable to conflict, lack of acceptance, etc. So I push to be fully there and open so I can't go down this path. Which is really the best way to respect myself and empower myself and not fall into the practices I had for most of my life.
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