esc Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 I'm 37, good looking, educated...a great catch. I've dated heavily for years. I'm either not interested in them, I spot red flags and move on, or have experienced horrific dates. I've been seeing a 33 year old for 2.5 months and I'm falling for her. She's stunning, classy, educated, ethical, morals, well traveled, a truly incredible woman. She was raised very conservative and left an abusive marriage. She has three kids, 11, 12, & 13. They live with her parents. My immediate problem is she hardly kisses me. We're very physical in public, but otherwise I feel rejected, unattractive, and undesired. We've never fooled around. She fell asleep the other night in the car hugging my arm. She calls me babe and sweetie. Our dates last 8-9 hours. I won't be complimenting her anymore or initiating conversation/asking her out. Ball's in her court. Why won't she kiss me beyond little pecks? Is this a bad idea dating a single mom? Why won't she sleep with me?
CarrieT Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Why won't she kiss me beyond little pecks? Have you asked her? Is this a bad idea dating a single mom? That is an entirely separate question and doesn't relate whatsoever with the questions regarding her ability/inability to Public Displays of Affection. Why won't she sleep with me? How long have you two been dating? You sort of left out that bit of pertinent information. 1
Author esc Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 I've been seeing a 33 year old for 2.5 months and I'm falling for her. Yes, I've brought this up to her. She initially said she need to take it slow, which is fine. But that was in regards to sex. She said that heavy kissing would make her want more, so she refrains. Another time she said not to kiss her because she was wearing makeup.
Author esc Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 Yes, the single mom question was irrelevant. Please disregard. I'm asking about kissing and getting close because it's so natural. It's healthy and I think it brings each other closer. I can only imagine how awkward this would be if we were together for 2.5 years instead of 2.5 months. I don't understand. Have I done something? Is she prude or asexual? Totally lost.
smackie9 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 She is so frightened. Sorry but she is still going the the process of healing and adjusting. Being abused mentally (physically too?) is really hard to let that go...it had been her life for many years. She has insecurities, trust issues, and probably deals with a lot of guilt and anxiety. The grip of the abuser can linger for years. I doubt she is ready for an intimate relationship. You are going to have to have a heart to heart with her.....maybe it's not meant to be at this time even tho she is making an attempt to be normal, and move on from her previous life.
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 I'm 37, good looking, educated...a great catch. I've dated heavily for years. I'm either not interested in them, I spot red flags and move on, or have experienced horrific dates. I've been seeing a 33 year old for 2.5 months and I'm falling for her. She's stunning, classy, educated, ethical, morals, well traveled, a truly incredible woman. She was raised very conservative and left an abusive marriage. She has three kids, 11, 12, & 13. They live with her parents. My immediate problem is she hardly kisses me. We're very physical in public, but otherwise I feel rejected, unattractive, and undesired. We've never fooled around. She fell asleep the other night in the car hugging my arm. She calls me babe and sweetie. Our dates last 8-9 hours. I won't be complimenting her anymore or initiating conversation/asking her out. Ball's in her court. Why won't she kiss me beyond little pecks? Is this a bad idea dating a single mom? Why won't she sleep with me? She's stunning, classy, educated, ethical, morals, well traveled, a truly incredible woman -- Which means you should be able to have a conversation with her about what she wants and what you want . . . We don't know why? Talk to her . . . or just say "hey, I think you are a stunning, classy, educated, ethical, morals, well traveled, a truly incredible woman and I'm falling for you and want to kiss you . If she doesn't outright reject it, then take her face in your hands and kiss her deeply but not aggressively. If she recoils, then you still have a conversation with her about what she wants and what you want . . . No woman wants a man who gets all pouty because she didn't make the first move . . . 1
Author esc Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 I thought about this. I've never spent time with a woman with this type of history so I'm on very unfamiliar ground. It's good to hear this from another woman though. If you have any other suggestions, I'm all ears. Thanks!
Author esc Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 Thanks, I'll have a sit down with her.
ChatroomHero Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 "Abusive" gets thrown around a lot. A lot of times its a matter of people not getting along, BOTH people arguing and being crappy to each other. It's possible she didn't kiss her ex much, stopped wanting sex, stopped showing interest etc and frustrations led to arguments. How does that get summed up when she discusses with a new bf? He was an abusive jerk. He's bad to the kids. He argues all the time over the kids... Unless he is in jail for beating her, take the "abusive" part with a grain of salt. Just think if you were with her and had kids and after 5 years of no affection, you might be frustrated and argue and become the "abusive" ex. You asked here what is wrong with her, maybe she doesnt like sex and affection and her ex had enough. In relationships people repeat histories. I really doubt she suddenly became this way with just you. In my opinion if I had met more than a few of my exes past bf's after our relationships ended, I bet our notes on her issues would have been remarkably similar. Discuss it with her but if she claims her lack of affection is because of her ex, I would highly doubt that as I bet she was that way long before he became her ex. 2
Author esc Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 Very insightful. Definitely a unique perspective. I haven't spoken to her about this. I have unfortunately noticed a trend during my abundant dating adventures. I've never heard a woman (in my own experience), take partial blame for a breakup or divorce. It's always entirely his fault. It does take two to tango. I guess the underlying question here is why wouldn't you want to get closer to someone you deeply care for and are attracted to? So much for a simple drama-free relationship. Thanks
ChatroomHero Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Very insightful. Definitely a unique perspective. I haven't spoken to her about this. I have unfortunately noticed a trend during my abundant dating adventures. I've never heard a woman (in my own experience), take partial blame for a breakup or divorce. It's always entirely his fault. It does take two to tango. I guess the underlying question here is why wouldn't you want to get closer to someone you deeply care for and are attracted to? So much for a simple drama-free relationship. Thanks That's exactly my experience and what I was getting at. I think you can kind of tell what her relationship problems probably really "we're" after a while, maybe not 2.5 months but eventually the fasad cracks. If she is a stellar person and her ex was a db you can tell that too. It s possible she is just not affectionate. With the right experience she might learn to be but I think you really need to sit down and have that talk. If she pans it, or dismisses you like it is no big deal then I think you might just be incompatible. Hugging your arm and touching and being close are affection, but obviously not a healthy amount for you. Keep in mind she might be really attracted to you but not thrilled about going into a relationship. I'm at point where I am taking a long break from relationships. I have met a couple of women that are very attractive but when I think of going through relationship stuff I need a break from, it keeps me from doing that intimate relationship stuff. She may be at a similar stage too. When you ask her about it, her reaction and how much attention she gives your concerns should give you big clues.
Author esc Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 Thanks everyone for the great advice!
smackie9 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Unless he is in jail for beating her, take the "abusive" part with a grain of salt. . I'm sorry but severe abuse doesn't have to be physical...in fact years of emotional abuse can be more traumatic than physical.... I get no one really knows the details of what went on in their relationship, but it's not right to assume anything either....it's better to communicate and trust what info you receive and work it out. What else can one do other than throw in the towel? 3
ChatroomHero Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 I'm sorry but severe abuse doesn't have to be physical...in fact years of emotional abuse can be more traumatic than physical.... I get no one really knows the details of what went on in their relationship, but it's not right to assume anything either....it's better to communicate and trust what info you receive and work it out. What else can one do other than throw in the towel? Nobody is saying its not. What is am saying is her telling him that her ex was abusive and him thinking it might be the reason she's not affectionate should be taken with a grain of salt. I would say not many people tell a new bf or gf that they were to blame for a failed relationship and most people don't own their faults. I hear people throw the term emotional abuse around too. They tell you all the awful things the other person said and did, and more than a few times I have known the couple and know the person claiming emotional abuse said worse things that I witnessed but think they were somehow justified. It swings both ways and I think that would be a tough sell as a reason for lack of affection for someone she was in to. It's like saying he was emotionally abusive because he was distant and cold but say, leaving out the part she refused sex for 5 years which is why he grew distant. I doubt she would be touchy feely just minus sex and kissing if it was based on abuse.
Author esc Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 I doubt she would be touchy feely just minus sex and kissing if it was based on abuse. What other reason is there? Why would she be so touchy feely but resist all else?
joyful Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 I doubt she would be touchy feely just minus sex and kissing if it was based on abuse. What other reason is there? Why would she be so touchy feely but resist all else? Are you insinuating that the woman who has all these amazing qualities that you have described is lying about the abuse she endured in her marriage? Since you have known her for 2.5 months out of your entire life, perhaps you should get your information about who she is and why she is the way she is from her. You seem to feel entitled to a physical relationship -- passionate kissing and whatever else -- that she is not ready to give you. And that is 100% within her right. 2
SunnySide0418 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 I'm surprised no one has asked this but why do her kids live with her mom and not her?? 1
Author esc Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 Why the hostility? I'm insinuating nothing. Nor did I mention lying. I don't feel entitled to a physical relationship, it's that relationships that are not physical are not healthy. It's not normal. They collapse. Affection is the difference between a relationship and a friendship. I've brought this very topic up to her several times, not to this magnitude, but her answers are simply, "I need to take it slow", "don't kiss me, I'm wearing makeup", or, "if I kiss you, I'll want more". Kids live with parents because she's returned to school. It's a luxury.
Ami1uwant Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Why the hostility? I'm insinuating nothing. Nor did I mention lying. I don't feel entitled to a physical relationship, it's that relationships that are not physical are not healthy. It's not normal. They collapse. Affection is the difference between a relationship and a friendship. I've brought this very topic up to her several times, not to this magnitude, but her answers are simply, "I need to take it slow", "don't kiss me, I'm wearing makeup", or, "if I kiss you, I'll want more". Kids live with parents because she's returned to school. It's a luxury. The fact the kids live with grand parents doesn't matter much...it happens more than people realize especially with a single parent who might have a long commute or works long hours or parents live in a very good school district that dye can't afford to live in. Hard to say without knowing what exactly this was. If this abuse was recent with the ex then she may not be ready. The abuse could have been many physical and was related to sex/intimacy. She also could be someone who has a low sex drive or later ve level of wanting kidding but wants more companionship. You need to talk to her about this and find out what's holding her back in this.
stillafool Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 I doubt she would be touchy feely just minus sex and kissing if it was based on abuse. What other reason is there? Why would she be so touchy feely but resist all else? She's not very sexually attracted to you and is only going out with you to have somewhere to go and someone to date. When does she have her children?
VeveCakes Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 She's not very sexually attracted to you and is only going out with you to have somewhere to go and someone to date. When does she have her children? Yep. It's not about the abuse, she just isn't attracted to you. Sorry
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