Friend saw Ex with another guy!

[Frozensushi]

A friend of mine sent me a text message last night around 1:00 AM worried that my Ex was cheating on me. He was at a trendy bar and saw her there being affectionate with some guy (kissing, holding) . He apologized, he didn't want to cause a problem, he just thought I should be aware. I haven't talked to this friend for a while, he didn't know we've been broken up for 3+ weeks.

 

Is this considered breaking NC? It hurt pretty bad hearing this news. I've been depressed all day with a bruised ego, but that's just a normal reaction. I'm surprised she's already found someone and it makes me wonder if she had been talking to him before she dumped me. I know it doesn't matter, and I shouldn't even waste a second thinking about it. Still, it's not easy.

 

My Ex and I share a lot of common friends so this kind of thing is unavoidable. It's not like I'm going to send a mass e-mail to all our friends declaring we are not together anymore.

 

I decided to stop going out at night and I'm keeping a low profile until I'm out of the woods. I don't know how I'd react if I actually saw her with another guy.

 

Has this happened to anyone else?

[Marc878]

Nope, NC is if you contact her or return calls/texts.

 

you might want to block her phone #, email and social media. Time will fix the rest

[JewelD]

Considering how it's made you feel, it's probably not a bad idea to let your friends know that you are broken up. Otherwise you may continue to hear things about her that will slow down your healing process.

 

It's not technically breaking no contact but by keeping the breakup a secret from your mutual friends, you are allowing them to potentially relay information about her life to you. Now that it has happened once, you know that it could happen again. What is your motivation for not eliminating that option? Do you want to hear things about what she's doing from your friends?

 

I don't know how useful it will be to be holed up in your house and keeping a low profile. You have to learn to live in this world knowing that she is still in it as well. You don't have to hang out with mutual friends who might invite her along or anything, but you should still try going about your daily life as usual.

[DarrenB]

You've been led to the route of harsh reality. You've heard about it and like the above member has said, maybe it's not such a bad thing?

 

You might grieve, might dwell, might feel quite hurt for a while, but I think personally hearing something you don't want to hear, or seeing something you didn't want to, will ultimately in the end lead you into a much stronger and developed person (going by genuine past experience/s).

 

I think although it might have been abrupt, it's good you heard this. You can now move past this w/o hopefully any constant thought of getting her back, right?

 

'It's not worth loving and hurting for someone, who couldn't love you enough to fight for you'

 

The above quote may or may not apply, but I think you'll definitely be better off now. Best of luck mate.

[Satu]

Its never easy to hear such things.

 

Your feelings will settle down over the next few days.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[aloneinaz]

A friend of mine sent me a text message last night around 1:00 AM worried that my Ex was cheating on me. He was at a trendy bar and saw her there being affectionate with some guy (kissing, holding) . He apologized, he didn't want to cause a problem, he just thought I should be aware. I haven't talked to this friend for a while, he didn't know we've been broken up for 3+ weeks.

 

Is this considered breaking NC? It hurt pretty bad hearing this news. I've been depressed all day with a bruised ego, but that's just a normal reaction. I'm surprised she's already found someone and it makes me wonder if she had been talking to him before she dumped me. I know it doesn't matter, and I shouldn't even waste a second thinking about it. Still, it's not easy.

 

 

I'm on the fence if you should send text to common friends about your break up. It may get back to her and stroke her ego. I'd probably not. As how you felt after hearing this? NORMAL.. You can't or shouldn't be surprised.

 

 

 

I decided to stop going out at night and I'm keeping a low profile until I'm out of the woods. I don't know how I'd react if I actually saw her with another guy.

 

Has this happened to anyone else?

 

Chilling at home for the first month or two isn't a bad idea. Don't miss out on going to a sports bars with the guys to watch a game though. You don't want to become a hermit.

 

My BPD ex signed back up on a dating site within a week of ending us. I checked knowing she probably would and I was right. It made me angry but in a good way. It validated in my mind that she was damaged, her words never meant anything and reinforced in my mind that I'd never date her again. It also reinforced my belief that I would NEVER break contact and contact her again, which I didn't.

 

You need to do the same with your feelings.

[Frozensushi]

..... Now that it has happened once, you know that it could happen again. What is your motivation for not eliminating that option? Do you want to hear things about what she's doing from your friends?

 

I don't know how useful it will be to be holed up in your house and keeping a low profile.

 

That's what I'm afraid of, right now. I'm just not ready to see her with someone or know anything that's going on in her life, especially if she has a new boyfriend. I've told all my close friends, but I'll make sure everyone knows it's over between us and that I don't want any information about her.

 

I don't want to get back with her, as we are not compatible in any way except physically. She really hurt me bad and with this new information, It's reopened the wound. I have blocked her phone/FB and she's got me blocked as well.

 

This whole process is a nightmare, I cannot wait till I'm months away from the BU and feeling better.

 

Thanks for the advice you guys.

[Broken2016]

Sorry to hear you were told this news. I was told exactly the same a few months ago. I basically did what everyone else in the thread is saying: Blocked him off everything (and her when I knew who she was) and told my friends to not tell me anything about them and stopped them every time they were about to. Doing these things has definitely made the process easier for me.

[Frozensushi]

I'm on the fence if you should send text to common friends about your break up. It may get back to her and stroke her ego. I'd probably not. As how you felt after hearing this? NORMAL.. You can't or shouldn't be surprised.

 

This is true, I don't want to stroke her ego again. I already foolishly did that when she was taking two weeks of space before she dumped me. I sent her a few e-mails telling her how amazing I thought she was and that I'd do anything to make her happy etc. I wasn't begging or anything, more so apologizing for trivial fights she started over nothing.

 

In hindsight, especially now, I feel humiliated for sending those e-mails. It's plain to see she started those fights in hopes I would get angry. I didn't until the day she broke up with me, she sent these texts accusing me of things I didn't do. The moment I stood up for myself, she said it was over.

 

You're right, I shouldn't be surprised. A few of my female friends I've talked to about this think her behavior in the final weeks of our relationship was indicative she might be seeing someone else.

 

Also, you all stated in my original thread, it was over for a long time. She probably had been looking at her options for a while. It still hurts, though, but I agree that I shouldn't be surprised. :\

 

My BPD ex signed back up on a dating site within a week of ending us. I checked knowing she probably would and I was right. It made me angry but in a good way. It validated in my mind that she was damaged, her words never meant anything and reinforced in my mind that I'd never date her again. It also reinforced my belief that I would NEVER break contact and contact her again, which I didn't.

 

You need to do the same with your feelings.

 

Well, this has definitely made it clear that she was probably just stringing me along. Obviously, I will never go back to her. After discussing the situation on my original thread, I see now what a toxic relationship that was.

 

I suppose I'm still in a vulnerable place. That's why staying at home feels more comfortable at the moment. As you know this wasn't a normal breakup. I'm trying to gain my sanity back from that whirlwind of extremes.

 

If you don't mind me asking, how did it end with you and your Ex? Did you walk out or did she torture you for 3 weeks before dumping you like mine did?

[aloneinaz]

If you don't mind me asking, how did it end with you and your Ex? Did you walk out or did she torture you for 3 weeks before dumping you like mine did?

 

Our R/S was crap the last few months. I knew it. I had other personal and professional issues I was navigating through at the time as well and didn't want us to break up on top of it all. So, I stupidly put up with her BS. She was withdrawing, spending less time w/me. Picking frequent, stupid fights. I look back now and say I can't believe I tolerated it.

 

She ended it one night when I called her out for lousy behavior as usual. It led to yet another argument. I was finally fed up. I said to her "what do you want to do" and she said she wanted to end it. I said ok and I'd get my things the next day and walked out. I got my things the next day w/out seeing her. She never heard from me again. Six months later she reappeared, asking and begging for me to come back to her while apologizing all over herself for her behavior. Shockingly, she'd just got out of her rebound R/S that she stated in her email was horrible. I finally had to reply to this email so she'd stop contacting me and told her I was in a happy, HEALTHY R/S and had no interest in her and good luck.

 

Frozen, stay strong. You're doing well. Out of sight, out of mind will have you back on your feet in a couple of months. You'll want to get out and possibly have some casual dates. Keep reminding yourself that you're breaking a VERY bad habit and that you've gotten away from her alive.

 

I can tell you by month 2-3, I could of walked by her making out w/someone in a bar and could've cared less. My only thought would be what I've shared about her new husband. Poor bastard...

[Frozensushi]

Six months later she reappeared, asking and begging for me to come back to her while apologizing all over herself for her behavior. Shockingly, she'd just got out of her rebound R/S that she stated in her email was horrible.

 

Do you think it was a case of "grass is greener" or that she really missed you and realized how great you really were after all? I've only had one Ex attempt to contact me, and that was only to apologize for how she acted towards me, not reconcile.

 

Frozen, stay strong. You're doing well. Out of sight, out of mind will have you back on your feet in a couple of months. You'll want to get out and possibly have some casual dates. Keep reminding yourself that you're breaking a VERY bad habit and that you've gotten away from her alive.

 

I understand what you mean, going through the withdrawals is really tough. I was so much stronger at the beginning of the relationship. I don't know what happened. I had boundaries and so much confidence. Somewhere along the line, to keep the peace I suppose, I let myself become weak and misguided. I've never experienced this with any other breakup, and I've had some doozies.

 

Thanks for sharing that with me/us. I really hope I will heal quickly. I'm tired of being sick and tired. It's such a mess. Hopefully, there won't be any more 'insight' about my Ex coming to me in the future. Like you said, "Out of sight, Out of mind".

 

Thanks again aloneinaz!!

[Toodaloo]

Frozen.

 

From here on in she is Voldermort. She who shall not be named.

 

Some say you get over someone by getting under someone else... She is probably just attention seeking.

 

So don't fret. Take your time do your thing and when you feel ready get out there and go shake your thang at the local bars.

[aloneinaz]

Do you think it was a case of "grass is greener" or that she really missed you and realized how great you really were after all? I've only had one Ex attempt to contact me, and that was only to apologize for how she acted towards me, not reconcile.

 

I think two things about her contacting me again. 1) is she knew she was a horrible GF and acting terribly (though I think she can't help it). I think she was trying to clear her "karma" by apologizing and felt the need to be forgiven.

The second reason is like we discussed. People who have strong BPD traits don't like to be alone. How she truly felt about me? I'll never know. He words never meant anything, he actions spoke the truth. I think she thought I'd come running back to her and fill her sudden void/need in her life. She had a NEED and expected me to fill it. I was happy to not do so.

 

Again, after all this time since our breakup, I look back and am so grateful that I'm out of the toxic, unhealthy and dysfunctional R/S. You'll feel the same in the future. I harbour no anger or resentment towards her. I honestly feel sorry for her as I don't believe she'll ever be a happy person due to her condition.

[Frozensushi]

Frozen.

 

From here on in she is Voldermort. She who shall not be named.

 

Some say you get over someone by getting under someone else... She is probably just attention seeking.

 

So don't fret. Take your time do your thing and when you feel ready get out there and go shake your thang at the local bars.

 

Voldermort, haha! Thanks for the laugh! I needed that today.

 

I know it's a rebound, she's trying to fill the void. You're right, though, the farther away I get from her the better. I need to work on myself, both inside and out. I have so many things I've been wanting to accomplish, now is the perfect time!

[Frozensushi]

Again, after all this time since our breakup, I look back and am so grateful that I'm out of the toxic, unhealthy and dysfunctional R/S. You'll feel the same in the future. I harbour no anger or resentment towards her. I honestly feel sorry for her as I don't believe she'll ever be a happy person due to her condition.

 

The last part, I highlighted it. About never being happy, I feel the same way about my Ex too. It's an impossible task to try to bring joy into their lives. I tried it and failed at every turn.

 

I know I'm going to look back and remember what you've said and think, "Wow, aloneinaz was so right. I can't believe I put myself through that."

 

So yeah, out of sight out of mind. That's my new mantra!

[Toodaloo]

Voldermort, haha! Thanks for the laugh! I needed that today.

 

I know it's a rebound, she's trying to fill the void. You're right, though, the farther away I get from her the better. I need to work on myself, both inside and out. I have so many things I've been wanting to accomplish, now is the perfect time!

 

Thats the spirit!

 

Now don't you worry about her out snogging other blokes. Pity the poor guy that is her rebound! You go do all those things you have been wanting to and enjoy it!

 

Yes it smarts a bit when you see your ex with someone else. But I tell you want really causes those "pangs" and makes you "the one that got away" is when they see you and you are perfectly happy just in your own skin.

[Frozensushi]

Yes it smarts a bit when you see your ex with someone else. But I tell you want really causes those "pangs" and makes you "the one that got away" is when they see you and you are perfectly happy just in your own skin.

 

Ahh, THIS is what I'm going to aim for! Plus, I'm sure by that point I won't even care either way.

 

Thank you guys! You've really lifted my spirits.

[Chi townD]

Take a trip somewhere. Get away. Get away from the chances of running into her. Get away from places that will remind you of her. See something new and exciting. And use that time to decompress and re-energize.

[aloneinaz]

The old cliche of "taking it one day at a time" is truly on point. If you're sleeping, eating and functioning, you're doing fine.

 

Try to change the channel in your head when you think of her to something else. Each day that passes is easier. Remind yourself you met a gal and it didn't work out. It happens. What was said in the honeymoon phase is worthless. Letting go will help the most. ACCEPTANCE that it's OVER also helps.

 

Focus on your future. What's your next GF going to look like? What fun things will you do with her? Thinking like that helped me big time.

[Frozensushi]

Remind yourself you met a gal and it didn't work out. It happens. What was said in the honeymoon phase is worthless. Letting go will help the most. ACCEPTANCE that it's OVER also helps.

 

I think I'm close to letting go and accepting that's it over, for good this time. I was so used to breaking up, dealing with the pain, then making up a few weeks later, it became a habit. There was always a thread of hope because she would always come back.

 

She's never blocked me on FB, let alone my entire family. I know this time she's done. She did start seeing a therapist, literally the week before she broke up with me. Perhaps the therapy is working and she's not caving into the loneliness. Plus now that she's "maybe" found a rebound, that 'loneliness' void is temporarily filled.

 

It didn't work out, no matter how much I wanted it to. Those things she told me during the Honeymoon phase became distorted over the year we were together. I realize now none of it was real. We got caught up in the maelstrom of emotions. The newness, the excitement, the hope of a future together. It was the most intense honeymoon phase I've ever had.

 

I'm going to take what I've learned from this experience moving forward to my next relationship, and when I'm ready to love again, I won't make the same mistakes.

 

Try to change the channel in your head when you think of her to something else.

 

Been having sleeping issues since the B/U. Lot's of vivid dreams about her or something to do with her. It's 2:00 AM right now and I'm typing this reply because her favorite song kept playing over and over in my dream. I woke up in a panic, thinking "Oh no what have I done!?!?!". I couldn't get back to sleep after that. The emotions and anxiety swirling around me like a tornado. The current notion of my reality completely destabilized.

 

It's starting to simmer down, but sheesh, can't get away from her, even when I'm asleep!

[Scarletwolf]

I relate to your situation. It's hard to break contact, specially if you are invested in them, but trust me, it's the best way to go.

They have nothing to offer to you, no love, no future, no commitment. They see you as the one who will always be there for them. Its not until you break contact for good and they see you mean it when they realize what they have lost and by that time it's usually too late. I invested 16 years of my life in a marriage that in the end just proven to be a one sided relationship. He never stopped dating other women. At a certain point I accepted it and tried to play along until one day I got a phone call from a girl asking if we were still married and if my baby was his and I realized I was just a puppet to him. Someone he could always go back when everything failed. So I kicked him out of my house and life and established no contact. I was four months pregnant, but that didn't stop me. It took a lot of effort, tears, anger and despair but I made it through. I moved on and so will you, just keep in mind the NC rule is there for YOUR OWN PROTECTION. ITS TIME FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR HAPPINESS. Keep us posted.

[Scarletwolf]

And never feel ashamed for wanting to go back to the good old times. It has happened to all of us. It's our nature, we hold on to the good, even when sometimes means to hurt. Just don't cave in and break NC rule, because everytime you do you set yourself up to failure again. Keep strong in there.

[Frozensushi]

I relate to your situation. It's hard to break contact, specially if you are invested in them, but trust me, it's the best way to go.

 

I invested a lot in my EX. Foolishly, I did put her needs before my own AND I was trying to change who I was to be more compatible with the version of me that she wanted. That's why it was so difficult to let go.

 

They have nothing to offer to you, no love, no future, no commitment. They see you as the one who will always be there for them.

 

This is very true. I'm beginning to accept this reality.

 

Its not until you break contact for good and they see you mean it when they realize what they have lost and by that time it's usually too late.

 

Fortunately for me, I do believe she's over the R/S. We broke up and got back together around 15 times. This time, it feels different. The fact that she blocked me and my entire family, is staying out till 2 AM with a guy. This is all new. This woman never stays out that late, ever!

 

That isn't to say she won't ever try to make contact. She has a history of bouncing from one failed relationship to another. She's had 28 boyfriends + many FWB that never worked out. I'm just another statistic.

 

I moved on and so will you, just keep in mind the NC rule is there for YOUR OWN PROTECTION. ITS TIME FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR HAPPINESS. Keep us posted.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about what you went through. That's horrible. Wow! I'm glad to hear that you were able to be so strong and walk away.

 

Thank you so much for the encouragement and support. I really do appreciate it very much. I want so much to be happy again. I'm going to try my best to improve the life I'm leading.

 

Just don't cave in and break NC rule, because everytime you do you set yourself up to failure again. Keep strong in there.

 

Thank you. It is hard not to think of the "good memories". I'm not going to cave in. I've caved in so many times before with my Ex in the past, but not this time. I don't want to get hurt again, and that's all that will happen if I do.

 

Thank again, I appreciate your kind words and support.