The guy whom I'm see is still on Tinder?

[Redhead14]

There are men that I call "Quality Casual Guys". They treat a woman well and like a girlfriend. They want and need the "comfort" of a relationship yet at the same time aren't "all in". But a real conversation has never occurred. Assumptions are made. Yet, the woman has an inkling that something isn't quite right. He's said things she's confused about and doesn't delve into but is afraid to ask the hard questions out of fear and so she gets down the road a piece, gets clingy, needy, etc. and usually it starts to fall apart.

 

These aren't bad guys at all. If a woman doesn't want marriage or even living together, it's a perfect situation. But, if the woman wants marriage, kids, etc., it will never happen. These guys are committed. They won't cheat. They only want one woman at a time.

 

These are the guys though, that will say things like "I don't know what I want" and/or "why do you want a guy like me", "I'm not good enough for you", "I don't want to hurt you" when they are pressed. These are "disclaimers". I know you want more from me and I can't give it to you but I like having you around. If you're not completely happy, you can make the decision to leave but I'm not going to do the dirty work". In other words, go ahead and string yourself along . . .

[katiegrl]

yes she should because her expectations are not being fulfilled as being "valued". I bet money on it he will give her some bs to pacify her if she makes any attempt to find out where she stands.

 

Why would he bother escalating the relationship then?

 

Have you read her posts? He is moving the relationship forward!

 

More time spent, trips, intro to friends, etc.

 

Why would he do that if he is just bs'ing her and screwing other chicks?

 

Doesn't make sense, but I have a headache now and gonna sign off.

 

Good luck OP with whatever you decide!

[joyful]

Why would he bother escalating the relationship then?

 

Have you read her posts? He is moving the relationship forward!

 

More time spent, trips, intro to friends, etc.

 

Why would he do that if he is just bs'ing her and screwing other chicks?

 

Doesn't make sense, but I have a headache now and gonna sign off.

 

Good luck OP with whatever you decide!

 

He is on hookup sites while he is doing all of this...

[Shanex]

There are men that I call "Quality Casual Guys". They treat a woman well and like a girlfriend. They want and need the "comfort" of a relationship yet at the same time aren't "all in". But a real conversation has never occurred. Assumptions are made. Yet, the woman has an inkling that something isn't quite right. He's said things she's confused about and doesn't delve into but is afraid to ask the hard questions out of fear and so she gets down the road a piece, gets clingy, needy, etc. and usually it starts to fall apart.

 

These aren't bad guys at all. If a woman doesn't want marriage or even living together, it's a perfect situation. But, if the woman wants marriage, kids, etc., it will never happen. These guys are committed. They won't cheat. They only want one woman at a time.

 

These are the guys though, that will say things like "I don't know what I want" and/or "why do you want a guy like me", "I'm not good enough for you", "I don't want to hurt you" when they are pressed. These are "disclaimers". I know you want more from me and I can't give it to you but I like having you around. If you're not completely happy, you can make the decision to leave but I'm not going to do the dirty work". In other words, go ahead and string yourself along . . .

 

I was once and maybe still am that guy. Good description.

 

These men are often mistaken for players, or manipulative. But when say guy eventually fall hard for a woman, they're heads over heel, maybe overly so.

 

They are definitely not cheaters, for the most part. It's called 'serial monogamy' or as you say, a woman at a time, hard for them to settle with a woman for a number of years, fear of commitment etc.

[katiegrl]

He is on hookup sites while he is doing all of this...

 

Agree that would be a huge issue for me too, but after two months in a steady progressing caring relationship (from what she described), I would discuss it before walking away.

 

Just me...

[Redhead14]

yes she should because her expectations are not being fulfilled as being "valued". I bet money on it he will give her some bs to pacify her if she makes any attempt to find out where she stands.

 

The truth is, she won't know until she knows . . . if she's stressing . . . she should seek clarity. Even if he's "there" and just hasn't said anything yet but she's just stressing, etc., it will fall apart anyway because he'll be wondering what the heck is going on too . . . she should own it and take the chance just like a man when it gets to be an overwhelming question for her.

 

And, men and women start stressing too soon, which is another can of worms, but after awhile of dating and intimacy, be Nike . . . just do it. Do it with respect and maturity, but just do it.

 

Frankly, I know that sometimes a man or a woman will stay on a dating site simply because they aren't getting enough from the dating partner to be comfortable with the situation. They aren't communicating. She may not be giving him enough, for lack of a better word, "validation", to feel confident enough to open the conversation. They may both be rowing the same boat . . .

Edited September 19, 2016 by Redhead14

[smackie9]

If that were the case then why keep seeing her???

[joyful]

It might just be me, but I would be too hurt and embarrassed after basically being in a gf/bf relationship to find out why the guy I have been steadily seeing for months "matched" with my friend on Tinder.

[Shanex]

It might just be me, but I would be too hurt and embarrassed after basically being in a gf/bf relationship to find out why the guy I have been steadily seeing for months "matched" with my friend on Tinder.

 

Definitely. Glad I am not the only one finding this sketchy.

 

OP will have to read through all that tomorrow morning and decide, but they clearly need to have a convo.

[Redhead14]

If that were the case then why keep seeing her???

 

For the same reason she keeps seeing him . . . they're otherwise having a nice time together apparently and haven't had the "talk" yet

 

And, she's apparently been on the dating site too . . . she's knows he's been on there, he might know she was . . . This whole dating site stalking thing causes more harm than good. He doesn't owe her anything -- yet.

 

Just talk to the guy and get it over with. They aren't in a committed relationship and he can do what he wants and so can she. She can either sit back and stop worrying and set a time limit for herself, say a week or so, and if he doesn't bring it up, she should do it and get it over with.

 

He might ask for exclusivity tomorrow, who knows? Yeah, it's nicer if the man does it, but he may be just as hesitant as she is. I'm sorry. But, it's not easy for either side. Women can and should own the process too and take on as much risk. In fact, if they've been intimate, she's owes it to herself. After all, if things work out, they will be a "couple", a team . . .

 

Maybe he's bored, maybe he's weighing other options, maybe, maybe, maybe.

[katiegrl]

OK

For the same reason she keeps seeing him . . . they're otherwise having a nice time together apparently and haven't had the "talk" yet

 

And, she's apparently been on the dating site too . . . she's knows he's been on there, he might know she was . . . This whole dating site stalking thing causes more harm than good. He doesn't owe her anything -- yet.

 

Just talk to the guy and get it over with. They aren't in a committed relationship and he can do what he wants and so can she. She can either sit back and stop worrying and set a time limit for herself, say a week or so, and if he doesn't bring it up, she should do it and get it over with.

 

He might ask for exclusivity tomorrow, who knows? Yeah, it's nicer if the man does it, but he may be just as hesitant as she is. I'm sorry. But, it's not easy for either side. Women can and should own the process too and take on as much risk. In fact, if they've been intimate, she's owes it to herself. After all, if things work out, they will be a "couple", a team . . .

 

Maybe he's bored, maybe he's weighing other options, maybe, maybe, maybe.

 

Again just me, but after steady consistent dating for two months, spending more time, taking trips, etc....once I found out he was still on hook up sites... omg I could never just sit on it and wait.

 

I would be asking him about it immediately.... like "hey, you matched with my friend Xxxxx on Tinder yesterday, what's up with that?"

 

That may not be the *proper* reaction, but I think that is how I would react.

Edited September 19, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

Again just me, but after steady consistent dating for two months, spending more time, taking trips, etc....once I found out he was still on hook up sites... omg I could never just sit on it and wait.

 

I would be asking him about it immediately.... like "hey, what's up with that?"

 

That may not be the *proper* reaction, but I think that is what I would do.

 

It's not about the reaction. Sure, it's off putting, it raises questions, it strikes fear/insecurity. It's about how you handle that reaction . . . address the questions. How many times have we seen posts from people who got all upset and pissy and blocked/deleted someone based on assumptions or something that made them question but didn't address those questions and the title of the thread is something like "OMG, did I do the right thing?" Ask the hard questions, accept whatever the outcome is and keep on keeping on . . .

 

I'm not talking about the obvious . . . stood up, sketchy dating pattern, poor communication, last minute dates, late night calls, etc.

 

I would be asking him about it immediately.... like "hey, what's up with that?" -- Yeah, my point too. She should ask about their "status". Ask the hard questions. But don't do it in a pissy or disrespectful way. She doesn't know for sure what's going on. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

Take the high road so that she doesn't burn a possible bridge. If she gets all up in his **** and he is actually thinking he wants to be with her, she's trashed that opportunity. And, letting him know that she's been stalking him on the dating site, isn't going to sit well since the doesn't owe that to her yet.

 

And, she shouldn't really ASK a question, just address -- "You know, Xname, I've been enjoying the time we've been spending together and I'm not interested in dating anyone else at this point and closed my dating profile". And, then let him talk.

[Deidre]

If you've seen him swiping girls on Tinder, I'd just end it. If you confront people who are sneaking around, they're not going to confess to what they're doing. They'll lie their way out of it. That's just me. Next!

[smackie9]

For the same reason she keeps seeing him . . . they're otherwise having a nice time together apparently and haven't had the "talk" yet

 

And, she's apparently been on the dating site too . . . she's knows he's been on there, he might know she was . . . This whole dating site stalking thing causes more harm than good. He doesn't owe her anything -- yet.

 

Just talk to the guy and get it over with. They aren't in a committed relationship and he can do what he wants and so can she. She can either sit back and stop worrying and set a time limit for herself, say a week or so, and if he doesn't bring it up, she should do it and get it over with.

 

He might ask for exclusivity tomorrow, who knows? Yeah, it's nicer if the man does it, but he may be just as hesitant as she is. I'm sorry. But, it's not easy for either side. Women can and should own the process too and take on as much risk. In fact, if they've been intimate, she's owes it to herself. After all, if things work out, they will be a "couple", a team . . .

 

Maybe he's bored, maybe he's weighing other options, maybe, maybe, maybe.

No she is seeing him because she was under the impression they are BF/GF......him if he is uncertain, and is measuring up the competition, then why keep up the BS of being her BF...or acting like one.

Save

[JewelD]

If you truly want a man to be your bf and you want commitment, don't start sleeping with him and acting like yall are already a couple. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

 

Now if you just like sex and you don't have any expectations, by all means, go ahead, but there are a lot of men who will take what they can get. If you're offering sex without being exclusive, they'll take it. It doesn't mean anything. None of his actions mean anything if he never asked to be your bf.

 

You also can't be really be upset with him about seeing other women because you never made it exclusive. At any point during this 'friendship', has he ever said, "I'm not seeing anyone but you" or "I want to be your boyfriend'? If not, he didn't do anything wrong.

 

If you feel comfortable enough to sleep with him, ASK QUESTIONS. Idk if you're being safe with him, but you should know before you have sex if your partner is potentially sexing other people.

 

Regardless, I think this is a dead end. If he really wanted to be your boyfriend, he wouldn't be seeing other women on Tinder. Even if you hadn't made it exclusive, he would be soooo into you and this 'relationship' that he wouldn't waste his time on other women. 2-3 months and he's still looking to see what else is out there, he's not that into you.

[smackie9]

Why can't she just say come out and say it...."My friend has alerted me you were matched with her and you swiped....so does this mean you are still looking and we are not what I thought we are? Busted.

 

It's pretty obvious this guy is just playing it out until he finds someone he really wants to be serious with. The evidence is there. Benefit of a doubt? you are just leaving yourself open for more disappointment. If it doesn't feel right, it's not...

[katiegrl]

Why can't she just say come out and say it...."My friend has alerted me you were matched with her and you swiped....so does this mean you are still looking and we are not what I thought we are? Busted.

 

It's pretty obvious this guy is just playing it out until he finds someone he really wants to be serious with. The evidence is there. Benefit of a doubt? you are just leaving yourself open for more disappointment. If it doesn't feel right, it's not...

 

First paragraph, that is essentially what I said too in a previous post.

 

Except I would ask not him "does this mean you are still looking....."

 

Obviously he is still looking, I would have just said "you matched with Xxxxx on Tinder, what's up with that"?

 

Franky I would be pissed, not to mention embarrassed that he had matched with my friend, shhesh.

 

I would be inclined to end it, but would tell him exactly why before I walked.

 

Talk or no talk, the more I think about it, bottom line, if he were really into ME, he would not be wanting to even be on the site, let alone swiping various chicks.

 

Yes I have flip flopped with respect to this particular situation.

 

OP, aim higher, choose wisely!

Edited September 19, 2016 by katiegrl

[jiglypuff]

Thanks guy for some very nice comments and useful advices. I was so confused about bringing the talk up. 2 months of dating and recently he always acts like we are in a bf - gf relationship.

I don't use dating app, but it was my friend who found it out. And it's really weird when you told your friend about how nice he was then once day she told you : Guess what I just matched with J on Tinder...

 

I don't think I can handle with non-monogamy in a long run. After a while of dating I think I have the rights to ask if I'm just an option especially when he acts like that then sneakily goes to hook - up apps. But somehow you guys are right that I am wondering if it is too early too ask, I'm afraid of the answer ~ And I think he know exactly what he's doing. Then you know girls, at this point we usually take things really serious that tonight, someone called him to set up a meet up tmr, sounds like a girl. He seem very confused but still had to pick it up in front of me, the way he talked to that person make me feel like he was trying to hide the story with me, but he said they would meet at her place and he will call her back later.

 

Do you guy think it's time to have a talk about us? Or I should wait and see if I was wrong or just follow the flow the flow to deal with it.

 

I do want to bring the talk up! But then Idk how to do it...

[katiegrl]

Thanks guy for some very nice comments and useful advices. I was so confused about bringing the talk up. 2 months of dating and recently he always acts like we are in a bf - gf relationship.

I don't use dating app, but it was my friend who found it out. And it's really weird when you told your friend about how nice he was then once day she told you : Guess what I just matched with J on Tinder...

 

I don't think I can handle with non-monogamy in a long run. After a while of dating I think I have the rights to ask if I'm just an option especially when he acts like that then sneakily goes to hook - up apps. But somehow you guys are right that I am wondering if it is too early too ask, I'm afraid of the answer ~ And I think he know exactly what he's doing. Then you know girls, at this point we usually take things really serious that tonight, someone called him to set up a meet up tmr, sounds like a girl. He seem very confused but still had to pick it up in front of me, the way he talked to that person make me feel like he was trying to hide the story with me, but he said they would meet at her place and he will call her back later.

 

Do you guy think it's time to have a talk about us? Or I should wait and see if I was wrong or just follow the flow the flow to deal with it.

 

I do want to bring the talk up! But then Idk how to do it...

 

OMG, he set up a date with another chick right in front of you?

 

I would have gotten up and left!

 

Sweetie, just walk away from this, that is beyond disrespectful...come on now.

 

As I said in previous post, aim higher and choose wisely!

[JewelD]

Thanks guy for some very nice comments and useful advices. I was so confused about bringing the talk up. 2 months of dating and recently he always acts like we are in a bf - gf relationship.

I don't use dating app, but it was my friend who found it out. And it's really weird when you told your friend about how nice he was then once day she told you : Guess what I just matched with J on Tinder...

 

I don't think I can handle with non-monogamy in a long run. After a while of dating I think I have the rights to ask if I'm just an option especially when he acts like that then sneakily goes to hook - up apps. But somehow you guys are right that I am wondering if it is too early too ask, I'm afraid of the answer ~ And I think he know exactly what he's doing. Then you know girls, at this point we usually take things really serious that tonight, someone called him to set up a meet up tmr, sounds like a girl. He seem very confused but still had to pick it up in front of me, the way he talked to that person make me feel like he was trying to hide the story with me, but he said they would meet at her place and he will call her back later.

 

Do you guy think it's time to have a talk about us? Or I should wait and see if I was wrong or just follow the flow the flow to deal with it.

 

I do want to bring the talk up! But then Idk how to do it...

 

Girl, stop. There is no 'us'. He's not even really hiding what he's doing. Cut your losses and move on. Forreal, the fact that you didn't say anything to him tonight is just letting him know he can do what he wants and you're not going to say anything.

 

Even if you do talk, what's there to say? He might lie so he can keep getting sex but his actions clearly show he's not trying to be your man. You need to accept that and stop trying to be his gf.

[jiglypuff]

Anw, I naturally let him know that my friend's on Tinder and now I think he might start to think carefully before swiping ~

 

Btw, the reason made me feel like we can have something exclusive is his jealousy, and also once, J saw a message on my phone from a guy whom I stopped contacting before I met him asked me out for a coffee, I told J that I stop contacting that guy and I'm not gonna meet that guy. And J said he doesn't want me to meet that guy because I had him, he seem very happy and said : Yay! No date for Tom. J - Yes. Tom - no. I'm the winner...

It was that moment when you know you're so lost!

[Deidre]

Anw, I naturally let him know that my friend's on Tinder and now I think he might start to think carefully before swiping ~

 

Btw, the reason made me feel like we can have something exclusive is his jealousy, and also once, J saw a message on my phone from a guy whom I stopped contacting before I met him asked me out for a coffee, I told J that I stop contacting that guy and I'm not gonna meet that guy. And J said he doesn't want me to meet that guy because I had him, he seem very happy and said : Yay! No date for Tom. J - Yes. Tom - no. I'm the winner...

It was that moment when you know you're so lost!

 

It is the moment when you realize you have a guy who wants to be with other women, but doesn't want you to be with other guys. Oh, I've dated these types, my advice? Run away. lol I hope you watch out for yourself, be careful.

[katiegrl]

Girl, stop. There is no 'us'. He's not even really hiding what he's doing. Cut your losses and move on. Forreal, the fact that you didn't say anything to him tonight is just letting him know he can do what he wants and you're not going to say anything.

 

Even if you do talk, what's there to say? He might lie so he can keep getting sex but his actions clearly show he's not trying to be your man. You need to accept that and stop trying to be his gf.

 

Yeah seriously, it sounds as if he was pushing you to end it! Or to confront or something!

 

I mean making a date with another chick right in front of you?

 

A man really cannot get much lower than that.

 

Immediate dealbreaker, talk or not talk.

[jiglypuff]

It is the moment when you realize you have a guy who wants to be with other women, but doesn't want you to be with other guys. Oh, I've dated these types, my advice? Run away. lol I hope you watch out for yourself, be careful.

 

But since that day, he stopped talking to girls on Tinder ... Does it make any sense then? harrump!

[katiegrl]

But since that day, he stopped talking to girls on Tinder ... Does it make any sense then? harrump!

 

How do you know he has stopped?