scarnface Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 A few things have developed since my last thread about my ex giving me a letter. To quickly sum it up, my ex and I broke up in May then in late August (after 3 months NC) he dropped a letter off at my house. Basically in my thread the general consensus was that the purpose of the letter was to assuage his guilt for treating me the way he did and to test the waters for a possible reconciliation. Last weekend his mother called me out of the blue to see how I was going. I told her about the letter and she had no idea, and told me that he got back with his ex girlfriend just a few weeks after we broke up. I was so hurt by this as I always had suspicions about this particular ex but he told me not to worry about her because she was a cheater and he could never love her. Not long after the phone call from his mother, he sent me a text saying he would like to talk to me in person. I was apprehensive at first but he desperately wanted to talk so we met up the following night. I mentioned his girlfriend and he said that they had broken up a couple of days earlier. He said it was a long time coming because they constantly fought and were not meeting each others' "emotional needs". We sat there talking for ages and he eventually started flirting with me, putting his arms around me and trying to make me sit on his lap. Things started to escalate but I stopped him and asked what he wanted from me. He said he would like to be FRIENDS. I asked him what "being friends" entails and he said that he would like to hang out with me from time to time because he misses having me in his life as he has never felt so close to somebody before. I said there would have to be clear boundaries and he agreed as he didn't want to hurt me or lead me to believe he wanted something more. But then as the night progressed he began to cross those boundaries by hugging, nuzzling into my neck, touching me in certain places and at one point he tried to kiss me. I sarcastically asked him "so is this what friends do?" and he apologised. We hung out again this weekend (his suggestion) and throughout the day he constantly crossed the line of being JUST friends. When I pulled him up on it he agreed that it wouldn't be right to be intimate as it'd make things more complicated but he couldn't help it because he's clearly attracted to me still. Later on he mentioned later on that he heard from his ex a couple of days ago. I asked if he thought they'd ever get back together and he said he didn't know. I then basically told him that he's an idiot if they get back together because it's nothing but drama and it will likely never work out between them. He needs to move on, find someone new, and leave all that drama in the past. He agreed and said once again that he doesn't know what he's doing with any of this. I just don't understand. Why would he want to go back to a relationship where there is constant drama, fighting, and where his needs weren't being met? I suppose a little part of me was hopeful that we could be friends and slowly develop into something more as time goes on. I also don't understand why he doesn't want anything more than a friendship from me if the sexual attraction and chemistry is still there. 1
sooshi Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 (edited) All he cares about himself. He wants things to be done his way. This is in no way about you. He's lonely and he wants female attention. He gets it from you. He agreed that there should be clear boundaries, but his actions showed otherwise. Believe his actions. If there were another woman in his life he could get attention from, I bet he wouldn't have suggested meeting up. Drop the clown and move on. Don't let him use you anymore for his own gratification. Don't worry about what he wants. Focus on your wants, needs, and values. He obviously doesn't value you or respect you enough to maintain boundaries that reflect a friendship. Because he's selfish and isn't thinking of your wants, needs, or values. It's all about him. Edited September 18, 2016 by sooshi 4
hippychick3 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Please respect yourself and cut off ALL contact with this guy. He is using you to get over her and to feed his ego. He will never give you what you really want and need. 3
JewelD Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 The advice you have for him? Apply it to yourself. Why are you settling for friendship with a guy who dumped you for his ex? He is clearly hoping you'll be a FWB. And because you saw him cross the line multiple times and still went out with him again, I would say you are very well on the way to becoming just that. Move on and let him be with his ex if that's what he wants. 4
Author scarnface Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 The advice you have for him? Apply it to yourself. Why are you settling for friendship with a guy who dumped you for his ex? He is clearly hoping you'll be a FWB. And because you saw him cross the line multiple times and still went out with him again, I would say you are very well on the way to becoming just that. I told him how much it hurt to know that he went back to her and he apologised and said that he never meant for it to happen and blamed it on being in a bad place at the time. After hearing this, and with what was written in the letter, I forgave him for what he did, and genuinely thought we could be friends. But I suppose this is very naive of me. 1
aloneinaz Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 I told him how much it hurt to know that he went back to her and he apologised and said that he never meant for it to happen and blamed it on being in a bad place at the time. After hearing this, and with what was written in the letter, I forgave him for what he did, and genuinely thought we could be friends. But I suppose this is very naive of me. I agree with the others sweetie. You need to find your self respect and dignity and provide this douche bag with dead silence while vanishing from his life. He's simply using you until something better comes along. This is why you can't go from lovers to "friends". It simply doesn't work unless years have passed and there's ZERO emotions involved. Spend this time and energy you're focusing on this idiot on finding someone who wants the same as you. 3
Satu Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Nothing good will come to you from him. Don't allow yourself to be used and disrespected. No contact. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete him from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Take care. 2
Author scarnface Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 Please respect yourself and cut off ALL contact with this guy. He is using you to get over her and to feed his ego. He will never give you what you really want and need. I brought up this point with him and he said it wasn't true. He said he has wanted me back in his life for a long time but just didn't know how to talk to me because he's not good with his emotions. He said that's why he ended up writing me the letter, it was his way of reaching out to me. I asked why he gave it to me while he was in a relationship with someone else and he just said all that stuff was eating away at him for months and he needed to tell me how much I meant to him. I've decided not to make any effort into maintaining this "friendship" and that way I can see if I'm just feeding his ego or if he really means what he says.
JewelD Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 I brought up this point with him and he said it wasn't true. He said he has wanted me back in his life for a long time but just didn't know how to talk to me because he's not good with his emotions. He said that's why he ended up writing me the letter, it was his way of reaching out to me. I asked why he gave it to me while he was in a relationship with someone else and he just said all that stuff was eating away at him for months and he needed to tell me how much I meant to him. I've decided not to make any effort into maintaining this "friendship" and that way I can see if I'm just feeding his ego or if he really means what he says. Why play games though? He has already proven he is capable of saying things he doesn't mean. You're not in a relationship and he's made it clear he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Either be satisfied with being his FWB or move on with your life and let him be. 2
hippychick3 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 I brought up this point with him and he said it wasn't true. He said he has wanted me back in his life for a long time but just didn't know how to talk to me because he's not good with his emotions. He said that's why he ended up writing me the letter, it was his way of reaching out to me. I asked why he gave it to me while he was in a relationship with someone else and he just said all that stuff was eating away at him for months and he needed to tell me how much I meant to him. I've decided not to make any effort into maintaining this "friendship" and that way I can see if I'm just feeding his ego or if he really means what he says. He is full of s***. Don't expect him to tell you the truth. He will tell you what he thinks you want to hear in order to meet HIS own needs...ego boosting, sexual company, and/or a means to get over the other girl. Look at actions, not words. A guy that is truly into a girl will not play games or do anything to risk losing her.
aloneinaz Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 He is full of s***. Don't expect him to tell you the truth. He will tell you what he thinks you want to hear in order to meet HIS own needs...ego boosting, sexual company, and/or a means to get over the other girl. Look at actions, not words. A guy that is truly into a girl will not play games or do anything to risk losing her. This X100 ^^^
Author scarnface Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 He is full of s***. Don't expect him to tell you the truth. He will tell you what he thinks you want to hear in order to meet HIS own needs...ego boosting, sexual company, and/or a means to get over the other girl. Look at actions, not words. A guy that is truly into a girl will not play games or do anything to risk losing her. Very true, thanks for the advice. I feel so naive thinking that he genuinely wanted a friendship with me. He's gone to great lengths to get it so I never assumed it was with selfish intentions or anything like that.
stillafool Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 I brought up this point with him and he said it wasn't true. He said he has wanted me back in his life for a long time but just didn't know how to talk to me because he's not good with his emotions. He said that's why he ended up writing me the letter, it was his way of reaching out to me. I asked why he gave it to me while he was in a relationship with someone else and he just said all that stuff was eating away at him for months and he needed to tell me how much I meant to him. I've decided not to make any effort into maintaining this "friendship" and that way I can see if I'm just feeding his ego or if he really means what he says. You notice how he isn't sure if he will get back with his ex, yet he told you he didn't want to lead you to believe there would be something more. So he's definitely stillo hung up on his ex and will get back with her the minute she wants him. He wants to be FWBs with you and needs sex. That's why he was flirting and trying to get you to sit on his lap. Don't fall for it as he will be using you until he gets her back.
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