Fear and loathing on the break-up wave: what's the plan ?

[Feltwher]

Hello everyone,

 

First of all: English is not my mothertongue, so I apologize for the possible language mistakes and errors that will occur. Also, this "forum thing" is new to my, and frankly, even a couple of days ago, I would not have seen myself writing this online, on a casual sunday morning.

 

The story is simple, short, universal and timeless, but the story sucks. These kinds of stories always suck.

 

This winter, I, at the age of 25, met a young (19) and beautifull girl. We are both university students. We had a few dates, sparks were present, but nothing out of the ordinary happened. Silence followed and it did not felt wrong or strange. No rush in things.

 

 

Somewhere during spring, we unintentionally saw each other once again at a party. We talked joked, boozed, and ended up sleeping with each other. The sparks still proved to exist, and turned into fireworks.

 

Eventually, we began to see each other more often, had more and more sex, and from my part, love was involved. No casual one night stand s***. This was deeper.

 

Spring ended, summer came. The summer of 2016, the summer no certainties. Due to the fact that we both spended the summer at our hometowns, left the country for some trips with friends and family, visited festivals, etc, we saw each other within interval of like three to four weeks, mostly only during the evening/night ( she had to study for her exams). Futher communication happened by message/facebook/what's app. Never been a huge fan of those kind of things, and I am certainly not a master in the art of communication on facebook or similar digital things, but then again, she neither.

 

Two weeks ago, a week since we last saw each other, which was passionate and the whole shabangg, 'strange' things happened. We were in a bar, talking, evaluating her exams, chilling,etc. But all of a sudden, tadaaam, big surprise: We have to talk about 'us'. An unsuspected, grim and cold vibe emerged, during which she explained that she had been thinking, reflecting and evaluating things, and came to the conclusion that she was uncertain of how thing would develop and if she still loved me. Bottom line: she was doubting. Being, however, pissed the f*** off, I stayed calm, tried to figure out why and how she came to this unpleasant conclusion, stressing I respected her decision, not begging for anything, asked if she would feel safer if I walked her home ( being afraid in the dark in a city and s***), said goodbye, and thanked her for the moments we had. Ciao, bella ! I played the "take the chill-pill card."

 

Of course, I was not. Another world of another young man was crumbling. Classic story and universal feeling emerged: the "I am ****ed" vibe.

 

Went to see some friends and drank. We drank a lot. Initialy, I planned to leave her alone, but the sudden and abrupt ending, combined with the toughts of a huge flaming billboard in the sky with the letters W H Y on it, I decided to text her, asking for more info, intell and reasons. No begging involved, althoug I stated that, I felt not a "chill" as I seemend when she announced her decision.

 

Next morning, she texted that she had been thinking about the break up, asking if it would be okay if we would meet the next day to discuss things further and, maybe, to give it a second chance.

 

So we met again. It started with a cold kiss on the cheek. We talked. I stayed calm and listened how she explained that the relationship was not thé relationship she had expected it to be. To her, it was a sign to call it off. "Better for you, better for me."

 

I respected it, did not beg, stayed calm. But what started with a cold kiss on the ckeek, ended with a minute of passionate kissing. All of a sudden, a sense of doubt emerged.

 

I walked away, endorfined by the kiss and happy to have being able to discuss things. Went on a boozing afternoon with friends. Meh. But of course, it sucked. Sucked and sucks big time. Still love her, nothing else to say about that.

 

A week of no contact then followed. A devastating week, continiously feeling like s***.

 

Texted her, before she departed on holiday. Casual text: "hey, have fun" combined with an clear message that, for me, it could be possible to see each other again, which I would not mind.

 

No response. Maybe she will contact me, maybe she won't.

 

The mind is like a razor blade, slicing trough your broken heart on repeat. High velocity. Mood swings, but most of the time: classic heart broken feelings, frustration, dark thoughts about vultures, ready to play her, etc,.But every knife becomes blunt. Sweat it out. It can be done.

 

But then again, what if - and this is hypotetical - she's still doubting: what happens next ? A NC would slowly burn the remaining brigdes, which, maybe, can still be used to get her back. What if ? And what then ?

Edited September 18, 2016 by Feltwher
words

[devilish innocent]

The problem is that by staying in contact with her will keep you from moving on and make your pain last longer. Also, she would have no incentive to ever get back together with you. It's likely you could end up spending more time together, or even having more sex. The problem would be that to her it would just be a thing to do in the moment. She would feel no obligation or ties to you because you're not together. The next day she could be with another guy, and your pain would only be worse.

 

There's a small chance that she could change her mind and decide she does want an actual relationship. But going no contact wouldn't stop that from happening. It could only help because she would start to miss you. If she gets back in contact with you, tell her you can only be in contact if she wants to work on the relationship. Otherwise, you need to move on for your own heeling. She would let you know if she wants to fix things.

 

The reality is that she's probably not coming back. You need to focus on taking care of yourself. Exercise. Spend time with family and friends. Eat healthy. Try to get enough sleep. Spend time on hobbies you enjoy. Keep reminding yourself that there is another life waiting for you once the pain subsides. Then just give your heart time to heal. It will get better.

[Feltwher]

Probably the most rational thing to do, indeed. You can't put your arms around a memory.

[Feltwher]

I saw her again this week in a bar. Random. I walked over her and asked how she was doing. With a fake and childish tone, she proclaimed that it was " so nice to see you again." Trivial and meaningless words. Talked for 30 seconds, then I went out for a smoke.

 

It was the thing I needed. I suddenly became aware that all my grief, hope, fear and anger, regarding her, were not worth it. All of it, a complete wasted of time. A lame F"ck around. To much energy spend on a childish and egocentric girl.

 

 

I dreamt about her that night. Nightmarelike.

 

But immediately, a story came up in my mind. It's about an old Russian woman back in WW2. She was in hiding, fleeing the German advance to Moskow. She was unaware if her son, fighting at the front, was still alive or not. Despite all this, she carried on.

 

She told about the nightmares that haunted her, but gave a perfect example of pure resiliance;

 

"The Devil came to me last night, and sank his claws into my hand.

 

I started to pray, but the Devil gave no notice.

 

So I told him to F*** off.

 

And then, he did disapeared."

 

 

Et voila,

 

She's gone.

Edited October 7, 2016 by Feltwher