Sam1986 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Hi, and thank you for taking your time to read through this. I am having a somewhat difficult situation here, that I am unsure of how best to approach, both for the sake of having my situation affect my working environment as little as possible, but also my sanity. In May, I started dating a co-worker from work, which lasted until about 6 weeks ago, when she broke up with me (well perhaps you can't really call it "breaking up" since we were not officially a couple, but we were pretty close to it and had talked about it on some occasions). Our dating situation was not really ideal from the beginning, as I was always fighting an uphill battle with her. She was always responsive and eager to meet up when I suggested it, but would never really initiate anything, be it further dates, texts, or even thank for a date afterwards. She would also be very hot and cold at work, sometimes not starting a conversation with me at all for about a week. Having learned the hard way before when it comes to dating, I would kind of put her on the back burner in that situation, and not flirt with her anymore and just let things fizzle out by acting as a regular co-worker in case she wasn't feeling it between the two of us (I knew I was walking on thin ice here, so better to be safe than sorry). Then again, she would eventually, perhaps after a week or two, suddenly start to flirt with me again and tease me about "that I should get a girlfriend", or call me out of the blue at one time (she has done this only once). Things were however going stellar for a while after that, as she introducing me to her friends and even her brother, which I took as a good sign and I responded by introducing her to my friends. However, when we slept together she would always be extremely awkward the day after, to the point were I was kind of dreading the next day due to her extreme awkwardness. After one evening where we had a movie date at my place, she was again acting weird and how the situation was between the two of us, and was asking me if we should break it off. I raised my views on the situation, and said that if she wanted to do so, we should do it now since I absolutely not want to risk getting feelings for someone who is unsure about me. And at that point she would get kind of emotional and on the point of crying, before she asked if I wanted to join me for a beer at the local bar (went from cold to hot about an instant as I said I basically was ok with calling it quits). Since things were going back and forth likes this, and when she started to suddenly get really distant again after we had slept together again on my birthday (she invited me to her place that night, and even asked if I would be unfaithful if we were to become a couple, which I guess was a good sign in terms of her being interested), I was starting to get awkward myself because I knew I was risking to develop feelings towards her. and this back and forth on her end was making me uneasy (especially since I was still initiating everything, from dates, to texts and often conversation at work). So I began acting cold against her on one occasion when we were out on with our co-workers (who know nothing about the two of us), as I was starting to feel really vulnerable with a person who might just be leading me on. After that we hardly spoke at work, until I texted her that I was interested in her and that I had trust issues due to earlier girls, and that I was getting really anxious about our situation by the constant back and forth. She replied that she was really unsure about the whole situation as she was unhappy in the city (she is from another part of the country) due to not having friends or family near, and that work was the only thing that was working out for her, so she didn't want to risk making things awkward at work in case we didn't work out as a couple. I then replied that in case us dating didn't work out, I would really like for us two to have a proper talk about it, since we had already been stepping way over the line as just simple co-workers, and not having such a talk would make things extremely awkward for me, since she wanted to avoid that. She agreed to that. She completely ignored me for two weeks after that, and I kind of knew it was coming. Six weeks ago, she then texted me that we should break up, and that she still wanted to be friends. This made me so mad! I had explicitly told her that I wanted a proper talk, and she just sent me a short and quick "I have been thinking about this, and I'm not sure if we should do this anymore. What do you think?". I replied "Really? You're doing this over text??", to which she just replied "Sorry, I knew it was stupid of me", and nothing else. Our situation now: Since this happened, she has been super-friendly towards me at work, which I had initial problems with as her break-up text was something which made me really mad, so I stayed super-professional with her and otherwise pretending to be unphased. About a week ago, I started being more friendly with her again, as I don't want things to end badly myself, and because I was missing her a bit and looking for cues if she was interested again. Last week however, I noticed her suddenly being a bit less friendly with me again, and at an after-work beer, I found out with about 99% certainty that she happens to be meeting/dating the guy at the bar. The unsettling thing however, was that she didn't talk to him the entire evening, and only did so when me and her were standing at the bar to pay for dinner, at which point she became super friendly and waved her hands to the guy and hugged her in front of me, thanking for the fun time she had the day before (this is very unlike her, as she is usually very quiet and hardly ever acts like that), right next to me! He even suggested "we go on a double date next time" (the two of them and some others they apparently had been with the other day). Short version: Dated a co-worker, didnt work out, she broke up over text and now dates someone else already. I don't know what to do anymore. I have some feelings left for this girl, but I absolutely hated how I always had to initiate everything, and her constant hot and cold behaviour. Her break up text made me pretty mad, since I had explicitly told her that I wanted us to have a proper talk if things didn't work out. And now I find out that she is dating someone else, and that she gets super friendly with him in front of me, when we are hardly even talking anymore. Things are now really awkward (something she wanted to avoid too), and I don't know what to do. I don't really think I want her back anymore since I really desire a mutual relationship with a girl that can initiate with me from time to time and not make me feel like walking on thin ice all the time. However, I am pretty mad at her for the situation now. Should I have a talk with her about it? Or should I just let it slide, even though I am still mad at her for the break-up text and flirting with a guy in front of me when we never had a proper talk to begin with?
smudge21 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Wow, sounds like my life back at the beginning of the year. I reckon we dated the same person. She was the same: never initiated, always off and on, would be great one night then so distant the next day, if I backed off she'd come running to me... it just went on and on.. right up until the moment it just stopped, dead. Went from a nice date to zero, nothing, nada, zip. Had a bit of contact from her over a few months, but nothing more than breadcrumbs. Always presumed that another guy had come along and despite her talk about being respectful, she clearly never gave a sh*t and so just ghosted when she wanted to. It hurt for a while but now glad to be out of there. You should never date or be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you or shows you the same level or trust and love that you show them. If there's this much doubt and this many problems early on, then it's never going to work out. Wish I had some more positive info for you there, but from everything you said this girl just sounds like she was never that into you and saw you more like an option. Something she could give or take at her will, without really a care for your needs or feelings. The fact she's now got you as a friend and is openly seeing other people in front of you says it all. You need to step away from this as that will eat you up inside. You have feelings for her and you don't want to be a friend. Be honest with yourself on that one, and then tell her friendship isn't for you. You can still be polite and professional at work, but cut off any contact outside of that. The whole guy at the bar thing should tell you all you need to know about how this girl views people in her life. She has zero respect for you and your feelings and clearly only thinks about herself. Other people are just toys she can play with when she decides to. Plus, it's clear she never felt the same way you did otherwise she would have some empathy for how you were feeling. Cold hearted I think is the term. Leave her to do whatever the flip she wants and go find someone who will love you as you love them.
sooshi Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Maintain a professional attitude towards her at work. Don't discuss anything remotely personal. Let it go. Now you have the space for someone who wants to be with you and stay with you. Take care. 2
somegu Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Start dating other women and put an elastic band around your wrist and snap it every time you think about this woman. She is not worth your time and energy. Write out your feelings in a journal, you do not need to tell her how you feel it doesn't matter you are not in a relationship and you never were. Don't date any more co-workers unless you don't care if you lose your job because you can not escape their presence if things don't work out. You said it yourself you weren't even a couple. Start thinking of her like an acquaintance you kinda knew. Focus on yourself and the future.
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