joyful Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 (edited) A friend recently shared that he has romantic feelings for me. Even though I am not sure if I am interested in being more than friends, I agreed to go out on a date with him. He didn't pay for dinner; we went dutch. (When the bill for dinner came, he left in on the table and only went for his wallet after I reached into my purse.) He also made no attempt to see me home, and I live a much further distance from the restaurant than him. He did ask me to text him that I had gotten home safely. If this were an ordinary date, I would think the guy was stingy and ungentlemanly. But, since this guy and I are only friends to this point, is it possible that he was just treating it as dinner between friends? I am a little turned off by his not paying for dinner and not seeing me even partially home. I am not sure if it's even worth considering a romance with him. Edited September 18, 2016 by joyful
mikeylo Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 He wanted to make sure if his feelings are valid or not. After spending one on one and whatever happened during the ' date' , he didn't feel the way he thought he did. So instead of saying it loud, he dropped hints that you will catch and you did. Move on
Author joyful Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 He wanted to make sure if his feelings are valid or not. After spending one on one and whatever happened during the ' date' , he didn't feel the way he thought he did. So instead of saying it loud, he dropped hints that you will catch and you did. Move on This is an interesting point. At dinner, he was still talking about his feelings for me, asked me when we would see each other again, invited me to come to his place another time, and has texted a lot post-date about how happy he was hanging out with me, will always be there for me, yada yada. I guess I am just wondering if what I saw during the date is how he treats women in general. It left a bad impression on me.
mikeylo Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Well , that's exactly what he wanted -- that you reject him. He saved himself by not being the bad guy:cool: 1
Bialy Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 It sounds like he doesn't want to crossover into dating. I don't blame him! If feelings were mutual before you guys went out on the date, I think things would have shaped up differently. But since there was hesitancy on your part, he is probably thinking that it's best to not pursue this and stick with the friend route. No harm done. Move on. 1
BaileyB Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 I think he knew you were hesitant and thus, he was trying to keep things low key. If he knew that you were interested, I think it would have been a very different experience. You shouldn't judge him based on this one experience when, by your own admission, you gave him reason to think the experience may be a little awkward and unsure. 1
Author joyful Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 Yes, I think my hesitation may have impacted things. He knows that I have recently gotten through a serious family crisis and a breakup. And I let him know that I will not be hanging out with him at his place too soon, even though he promised "not to bother" me. Even though I was reserved and not too touchy-feely on the date, I did agree to have dinner with him and thought he would more gentlemanly -- at least if he wanted a second date...
h0000 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 This is funny. He didn't treat you dinner because you are hesitant about the romance? Hmm I thought guys would try harder if The woman she is not that readily available. I would be turned off too. If I were hesitant before, I'd be completely not interested anymore 2
katiegrl Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 (edited) joyful, I am a bit confused so hope you can clarify. Before the date, you admitted you only like him as a friend. Fair enough. But you agreed to a date anyway (are you sure it was even an actual date?). And now you still only like him as a friend Are you suggesting that had he paid for your dinner and saw you home, your feelings would have switched from just a friend to romantic potential? What about chemistry? Does that play a part at all in your decision making? Or just that he or any man pays? Not judging, again just confused. JMO but he didn't pay because he knows you only see him as a friend and he doesn't want your feelings predicated by the fact he paid for your dinner. Which was smart imo. Edited September 18, 2016 by katiegrl
Author joyful Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 Thanks for your questions, Katiegirl. He's my friend who recently confessed romantic feelings. I agreed to see whether there was romantic potential between us, and we scheduled our first date. To be honest, I was both turned off and hurt by his lack of chivalry, particularly his not seeing me home even partially when I Iive further from the restaurant than him. I think of this as standard friend behavior when it's late night, even when just friends of the same gender hanging out.
katiegrl Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Thanks for your questions, Katiegirl. He's my friend who recently confessed romantic feelings. I agreed to see whether there was romantic potential between us, and we scheduled our first date. To be honest, I was both turned off and hurt by his lack of chivalry, particularly his not seeing me home even partially when I Iive further from the restaurant than him. I think of this as standard friend behavior when it's late night, even when just friends of the same gender hanging out. If it's standard *friend* behavior, then why wouldn't *you* see him home? Do you mean standard "male" friend behavior? If so, yeah it would have been nice for a male friend to see you home late at night. And I love chivalry too! That is huge for me in fact.. When I am on a date where chemistry is mutual and it's determined we like each other, as more than friends. But if I were on a date and realized I wasn't feeling it as more than a friend, I would make a point to pay for myself. But you are entitled to your feelings, thank you for clarifying!
Author joyful Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 I am attracted to this friend, which is why I agreed to a date in the first place. The hesitancy is more about whether or not a relationship would actually work between us, especially as I have just gotten out of a relationship in which I wasn't treated well. Now I fear that this guy wouldn't treat me well either, and that's why it's a no-go.
katiegrl Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 I am attracted to this friend, which is why I agreed to a date in the first place. The hesitancy is more about whether or not a relationship would actually work between us, especially as I have just gotten out of a relationship in which I wasn't treated well. Now I fear that this guy wouldn't treat me well either, and that's why it's a no-go. Oh so you *are* attracted to him..... sorry didn't pick that up at first. All that said, just to know, if a man invited me out to dinner (a date), and there was mutual attraction, then yes I would be a bit turned off too if he didn't offer to pay. We have argued this topic ad nauseum on this board, so no need to explain why I feel that way, it just is what it is, I love a bit of chivalry in a man. So I hear ya joyful, and appreciate your answering my questions and clarifying!
kendahke Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 He's my friend who recently confessed romantic feelings. I agreed to see whether there was romantic potential between us, and we scheduled our first date. Your interest level isn't where his is. If it was, you'd be confessing romantic feelings to him, too. Never factor potential into any relationships. It's the quickest route to disappointment. 1
kendahke Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Your interest level isn't where his is. If it was, you'd be confessing romantic feelings to him, too. Never factor potential into any relationships. It's the quickest route to disappointment. I am attracted to this friend, which is why I agreed to a date in the first place. The hesitancy is more about whether or not a relationship would actually work between us, especially as I have just gotten out of a relationship in which I wasn't treated well. Now I fear that this guy wouldn't treat me well either, and that's why it's a no-go. Ok, that makes sense. Yeah--if you're getting that sort of a familiar vibe, then take heed of it. Perhaps it was a good thing that this went this way... you're honoring your instincts. Some people are just meant to be friends. 1
Chris2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 What have you done to show interest in him?
ThisOverThat Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 What have you done to show interest in him? Yeah. Seriously. Sounds like the friend in question has to finish in the Top 5 of a Spartan Race to get her initial approval and even with that she would split hairs about his wall climbing form. Joyful...if this friend being his natural self doesn't motivate you to put forth SOME effort then it's a No-Go regardless of the physical attraction or familiartiy due to friendship. If you are going to ride shotgun on a road trip to a place that neither of you have never been, don't expect to magically arrive at your destination on time without helping at least a little bit with the navigation.
Author joyful Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 What have you done to show interest in him? I said that I was open to exploring a romance with him and accepted his invitation to go on a date. I did not agree to go to his place, though. He did not pay for my meal on this first date and let me travel over an hour on public transportation home by myself, not even offering to walk me to the public transportation stop near the restaurant where we ate. Is this normal/acceptable behavior on a first date? If anything, I am wondering if I haven't also lost a friend, in addition to a romantic prospect.
preraph Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 (edited) My guess is he's either inexperienced or he's so experienced he decided not to put any effort into something he might get nothing out of, like sex. Only you will know if he was fearful of asking you out or had been acting like just a friend for a long time while carrying a torch for you. Or if he's kind of a player that dates around. Either way, I don't see the situation as a winning one. He called it a date, so he can't have it both ways and not act like it's a date but still see if he gets in your pants or whatever. Edited September 18, 2016 by preraph 1
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