JCasper90 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 **Her situation before we met**: Was an orphan, brought up with rough parents who beat her. Had moved into foster care to get away from them for her own safety a week before we met. Has father issues. **When we met**: We just clicked, have talked non stop since March, never got sick of it. I treated her like she deserved, remembered her birthday, sent her gifts, despite a few arguments she said she never been treated as good as i did her, which was a surprise for her. Said she loved me every day and i felt the same. Gave me hints like she wanted to spend her life with me, planning holidays, the whole lot. I genuinely believed it. She hated her foster home and wanted to go back home to her parents despite knowing they might treat her bad etc... which leads into the cheating... **Cheating**: She says " i love you brb " at 6pm and that shes got a meeting with her social worker about her foster situation. I dont hear from her until the next day. She seems different. She breaks down and tells me this: She got told she wont be going back to her parents, ever and that they'll go to court to separate. She has a break down, goes out, doesnt think about me or anything, hangs out with her friends, takes Es (ecstasy) (if this is against rules please remove it) and her friends suggest she blows a guy to get back on good terms with a friend she had been rowing with (something stupid like that). She does it (she walks with him down an alleyway, gets down etc) but claims she was off her head on Es. Her friends say she wasnt, but her, her foster parent and her room mate say she was. I tell her im done, call her every name under the sun for betraying me, i love her and she did that. She breaks down, begs me back, says she loves me and she regrets it, it meant nothing to her. i tell her goodbye and hang up and block her on everything. The next day she tries to kill herself ( I DIDNT TELL HER TO OR CONDONE THIS BEHAVIOR) and ends up in hospital because she didnt want to go on without me. I come back because i love her and wanted to make sure she was okay, we have a long ass 4 hour call and i tell her i wont leave but we wont be in a relationship, just to see how i feel (because her friend spent the whole day telling me how much it got to her/regretted it) What shes done so far: 1. Blocked the guy 2. Said itll never happen again 3. Wont ever do drugs or hang out with that crowd again, blocked them all. 4. Told me its the first time shes ever done this and will learn from it. Apologised 1000 times, cried more. 5. Tries telling me where she is all the time, even taking pics. **Now** Its been 2 weeks now and im still not over it, im heart broken. I keep picturing her on her knees and it bothers me. She said it would be fine if i lashed out because its normal since its still fresh but every time i get mad at her during a call, she gets really stressed out and i can tell i take out my pain on her. I said id visit her last week but didnt and told her that i wasnt ready to see her again just yet. Then she tells me that her foster parent and friend have said stuff like "hes not worth your time", "hes playing games with you" "youve got guys who live closer and you start college, they will be infront of you" (im 1 hour away), "local guys will treat you nicer"... LIKE IM THE ONE WHO CHEATED? Am i right to feel im allowed to get angry at her (its not 24/7) ? ITS BEEN 2 WEEKS SINCE SHE CHEATED AND I DONT WANT TO SEE HER FACE DESPITE GIVING IT ANOTHER GO. Yet theyre telling her, the cheater, that im not worth her time??!?!?! They seem to absolve her of all the blame, even if she was on Es. Should i just give up? I love her and she loves me, but despite her saying she wants me back and will prove to get my trust back, she cant seem to handle me getting mad at her or making snide remarks when im annoyed like she already expects me to move on? What should i and what should i not be doing? **Update** I didnt respond to her today to calm down and get some space and she sent messages like "please come back.. i ****ing miss you" "I love you.." with little updates to what she was doing etc etc --- **tl;dr**: She got bad news about separation from her parents, went out , took Ecstasy and blew a guy. I gave it another go, Its been 2 weeks and im still mad, shes stressed from me taking it out on her.. Should i end it? Do i have every right to get as mad as i do?
Poutrew Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Wow, sounds like you've won the girlfriend jackpot, friend. My general impression is that your [ex?] sounds messier than day old highway roadkill. Now, some people would peel that roadkill off the highway and put it into a stewpot. Others would ignore it, and hope it doesn't get on their car when they travel over it. You've got to decide what kind of man you are - no one on this board can tell you what to do in this particular situation. You've just got to go with what is right for you... for myself, I would disengage. She's being monitored by doctors for the recent suicide attempt, so now would be a good time to make myself scarce. There are other, less messed up women out there that wont blow someone in a back alley, and I'd really like to find one of them... 2
NewLeaf512 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 This is probably a daft question but you know each other in real life right?
morrowrd Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 (edited) She's probably being sincere when she shares her feelings and says she doesn't want to lose you. I'd give her that, however what you are dealing with is not someone who is stable or ready enough to be in a committed relationship. There's 100% more to this story behind the scenes than what you know, you don't live close enough to know. Foster care has a high level of abuse, and if social services isn't allowing her to go back, they must have determined it isn't safe to do so. There is a high level of sexual abuse in foster care as well, and not to assume things here, but when that kind of abuse happens - it does change a person. I'm just wondering if this is a change in sexual behavior, something you don't know about has happened. I'd be a little less "name-calling angry" here and have some understanding. Being her friend without benefits or a relationship I'm guessing might be too hard for you to maintain, although in a perfect world, that would be beneficial to her. She definitely needs counseling, I hope she at some point receives that, (and hopefully a good counselor - not all counselors are helpful). Then there is the other assumption, she's exploring. That isn't anything to be surprised at given your age which I'm guessing 17- 18ish? Not that everyone who explores their femininity needs to give head to do so, but it's really not something that hasn't happen a million times before. And on top of all that, she has friends nudging her away from you and she appears too weak willed to resist their pressure. You want some advice? If it were me, I would maintain some boundaries. Not these passive-aggressive boundaries you are using now. REAL boundaries where you determine in your mind that the sexual-romantic relationship is over. And it's over because she is in no position to maintain her part in a relationship. Be her friend, tell her you have to protect yourself and do not want to spend energy worrying about her sexual behavior when she is under stress. Distance yourself from her, it shouldn't be that hard given you live an hour away. Edited September 18, 2016 by morrowrd
MetalGearSolid Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 I always say this: cheating isn't a mistake; it's a bunch of conscious decisions leading up to the final choice. She chose to not think about you and hang out with her friends, she chose to take drugs knowing full well something bad would come out of it. Sure, some may argue that since she was high as hell, this may not count as cheating. But what happens when she eventually suffers another breakdown? Just cut your losses and move on. What she did was inexcusable. 1
mikeylo Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 You have every right to feel the way you are feeling. You are emotionally invested and of course when she cheated, your reaction is normal. If you didn't react, that would have been abnormal. Because that indicates you don't care about her/ relationship with her, you are not in love , you are not invested, you are not looking into the future etc. You can still love her but a relationship is more than just love. Her words are not enough. There are lots of what ifs. What if she again has a breakdown, will she blow one or two guys? What will se do? Will she always blame her past or drugs or friends to get away? Because you will be there anyway? Taking you for granted? At some point we all have to take responsibility of our own actions. You can help her but not at the cost of your well being. Won't you always wonder what is she up to when not with you ? What if a guy comes to you and says your gf blew her yesterday? She needs therapy. You need time to get over the disgusting feeling you get when you see her. Words are cheap.Updates mean nothing at this point. It's just a 2 minute typing, while taking a gasp from blowing a guy !
mikeylo Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 How old are the two of you? I guess age really doesn't matter. This girl has been abused by her own parents. She has issues that if left untreated , will cause problems in her love life. And lose a guy who genuinely loves her, like OP. OP, her expecting you to get over it is also normal but you getting over it is not something that is going to happen when she expects it. As for her friends / family asking her to get someone else , well , then she is free to do so. They are not helping her to deal with her issues. It might hurt her at this point that you are holding this onto her but one day will thank you. Now it depends on her maturity level and willingness to face head on or go back into the comfort of her friends/ family that are 'helping' her stay where she is or choose you and work on herself and become healthy. At the same time, you are human and can take only so much hurt, humiliation ( of being cheated on and asked to get over it ), insult and embarrassment. Like I said, love is not enough. Everything is fair in love and war , love conquers all. All great quotes but it needs to be mutual. You can't just keep forgiving her and she can't keep doing it.
katiegrl Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 This is probably a daft question but you know each other in real life right? Was wondering that myself. OP you said you have been "talking" since March. Is this a cyber relationship?
preraph Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Was wondering that myself. OP you said you have been "talking" since March. Is this a cyber relationship? Yeah, and also said "sends gifts." I bet they are not even together in real life. She has to be under 18 because she has foster parents. Aside from all that, she is traumatized by her family, but also misses some aspect of it. Chaos is what she is familiar with and that is the "normal" she learned growing up, so she is now creating chaos in her life. I mean, she had just tried to go back to the parents who abused her, so she missed her "normal" on some level. Then, told she can't go back to them, she acted out and got her a lot of chaos going to make herself feel better and then that lost her the LDR or whatever he is and she would like to have both him and chaos. She has a LOT of growing up and work on herself to do before she is ready for any type of relationship, but meanwhile, she is going to have them if for no other reason than survival. I wouldn't want to be part of that. It's going to be too hard. She needs a shrink, not a bf. And now you've let her successfully pull of "suicide blackmail" to keep you from leaving, so look forward to a whole lot more of that.
leogirl876 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Cheating is cheating and there's never a good reason! And how can you ever trust her again? You can't!
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