I'm not the biological father of my daughters

[jMON]

My $.02 for what it's worth.

 

Yeah, I don't think she ever would have told me if we didn't have the testing done. She said she wanted to but didn't want to be abandon them or treat our girls differently. Also said she tried to tell me many times but couldn't do it. She cries every night asking me to come back to bed.

 

She was seeing him for almost the entirety of our open marriage, which would be about 12 years. That is a very long time. She probably has had sex more with him than me. She always said she didn't want to sleep with multiple people, even before he came along. She said time and time again that there was no feelings, she was just comfortable with him. I, on the other hand, got bored from the same old-same old. We had totally different styles with sex in general, that I chalked it up to our differences.

 

She still says that she wasn't in love with him, but I can see it in her eyes that she's lying. I honestly think she is doing it more to lie to herself than me. Like she's still heartbroken that he didn't choose her.

 

We got married at 19 & 23, so she blames that a little bit. That she was too young and too inexperienced. That I opened the door for an open marriage. Really though, she doesn't toss blame around the much. She keeps saying she knows it's her fault and that she knows it was wrong, that she owns her mistakes.

 

My youngest was born 6 (maybe 8) weeks early and as the NICU nurses put it, did remarkably well, was very large for her gestation and came home right away. Whether she was actually early is questionable... My oldest was early as well, though I can't recall how early anymore. My son was 2 weeks late. I went with her to have the IUD out, I didn't go in of course but I sat in the waiting room. I suppose she lied about that too.

 

I also wonder if she wanted to have our son with me or she just didn't happen to get knocked up by OM.

 

Thing is... Her career pays nearly double what mine does. She sits well into the six digits. Our house is totally hers, her family paid the majority of it and we have that in writing. Financially, she doesn't need me. She told her mom and step-father about what is going on (I was there when she told them). She says that she wants to work it out and stay together.

 

I know that I shouldn't be mad at the OM, unless he knew more than she claims he knew. But damn it is hard. All of a sudden I'm mad that he ****ed my wife even though I didn't care for years and allowed it. I'm mad that my beautiful girls spawned from him. I looked him up on Facebook even thought that is something I swore I would never do. From his profile it looks like he has an older toddler (3-4) and a newborn. Which if accurate, means he knocked up my wife and his wife at the same time. No idea if they were in an open relationship/marriage as well.

 

The news getting out could ruin so many lives. Mine, my wife's (unsure whether I care or not), my daughters, my sons, his, his wife's, his kid's. I don't know if it's really the best decision or something we should wait to tell the girls until they are older and can understand it.

 

I'd rather live miserably if it means my kids are happy. I don't want them to experience their parents divorcing, or to think it is there fault. Surprisingly in this I still manage to feel like the dick. For suggesting open marriage in the first place, for letting he spend over a decade with one partner, for technically cheating on her since this news came out (as the marriage has been closed for 2 years).

 

Of course her PPD was due to OM being the daddy. I hate to be harsh, but she was mourning the fact that they wouldn't be raised by him.

 

And of course she's going up say that you're not plan B. She's in survival mode.

 

That said, since the youngest was born and OM got married, it wouldn't surprise me at all of she has "seen the light" and is now 100% in love with you.

 

Well she basically said that she thought he would be a better choice for a father, and blamed in on her natural selection or some thing.

 

Kind of what she said was that they grew up together. They started sleeping together around 20 (they are the same age) and learned and grew together. When he married his wife we were starting to discuss closing the marriage and it was a natural "conclusion" to their time together. I don't even know, it was a load of confusing shooting out of her mouth.

 

Or she has seen that a woman with 3 kids and 2 Baby Daddies isn't exactly a hot item on the dating and mating scene and since her OM doesn't want her, she might as well stay with Plan B because he is already locked down.

 

Can you imagine her dating? A woman in her age group with 3 young kids isn't exactly sought after, but add in her history and a man would be insane to date her seriously!

 

Oddly enough, two baby daddies in this age range isn't that uncommon here. Three, now that's pushing it (and really, who knows if my girls really share a father). Though you saying that has reminded me that sometimes she will say that if we ever divorced she'd have a very hard time finding someone new.

[GoldenR]

Well she basically said that she thought he would be a better choice for a father, and blamed in on her natural selection or some thing.

 

This statement of hers holds no water given the fact that she never told OM and had no intentions of him ever raising them.

[CarrieT]

This is what doesn't make sense:

She wants sex to be loving, passionate, roses and unicorns,

This type of sex always involves emotions. Yet you believed this:

 

No relationships were to be had and if feelings developed it was time to stop with that person.

 

I understand that for you, OP, sex with "passion, roses, and unicorns" isn't what you are into, but how can you now conceive the idea that that kind of sex can be done without emotions?

 

I don't want to have to deal with him. It's not his fault, if she is telling the truth.

Well, you know she is a consummate liar, so unless you confront him, you may never know if he has knowledge of her duplicity or not....

 

You *do* know that she has feelings for this man. That much is evident.

[Cephalopod]

Forgiveness is always an option.

 

Forgive her for something he endorsed?

Edited September 18, 2016 by Cephalopod

[jMON]

This is what doesn't make sense:

 

This type of sex always involves emotions. Yet you believed this:

 

I understand that for you, OP, sex with "passion, roses, and unicorns" isn't what you are into, but how can you now conceive the idea that that kind of sex can be done without emotions.

 

Well, you know she is a consummate liar, so unless you confront him, you may never know if he has knowledge of her duplicity or not....

 

You *do* know that she has feelings for this man. That much is evident.

 

I think part of it is that I don't need to have any attachments at all to have sex and continue having sex. I can totally disconnect the emotional side and make it a purely physical act. It has improved but in the past when I would try and have that type of sex with my wife I'd fake the emotions.

 

She said that in the moment it felt good, but there was no lasting emotions. We agreed that if she developed feelings it was time to stop. She always said she wasn't getting feelings for him, that he was just comfortable and the sex was good so she didn't want to start new with someone else.

 

I do know she has feelings for him and that's something I don't know how to handle if we try and stay together.

 

Forgive her for something he endorsed?

 

If I knew this is how it would turn out, I don't think I would have agreed to it.

[lolablue17]

Your decision whether to accept her daughters as yours, is the tough decision you have to make.

 

About your wife i don't think that there is any dilemma. If I were in your shoes, my wife would have turned to zero the minute she told me. This lie, is the most scum, disgusting and traumatic lie in the universe that a woman can lie to her husband. If she was cheating, it's nothing compare to that. If i found out my wife was a psycho killer it would have been much easier for me to stay with her.

 

It also not a matter of forgiveness. Maybe after a while I could have forgiven. But there is no way I can live in the same house with that monster.

 

Don't you have any doubt about that - she is a monster.

[italianjob]

A lot of people keep telling that an "open marriage" doesn't change anything, but I think it's bull****... As we see here people burn their fingers all the time in love and marriages, if you start playing with fire you multiply your chances to get burnt, IMO.

 

It's obvious she choose to carry the OM children, too many years and too many coincidences to believe it was casual. but...

 

 

 

 

 

We both have high sex drives, but different ideas on what good sex is. She wants sex to be loving, passionate, roses and unicorns, something I wasn't into so she got that 'experience' elsewhere, and I had the same.

 

 

 

No one in the world or at any time could have that kind of sex and not get involved emotionally

 

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that two people constantly having that kind of sex would develop feelings for each other.

 

All couples I knew that have an "open marriage" have a time limit or a number of encounters limit on partners, to avoid accidentally developing feelings for the OM/OW-

She's been ****ing this man for a decade, passionately, and probably more times than she ****ed you. How could you think she wouldn't fall for him, how could you think she would love you and not him?

 

Yes man, you've been badly betrayed, but frankly, I have an hard time empathizing with you. Honestly, I think you went looking for this..

[Darren Steez]

Easier said than done, my friend.

 

 

 

Right now, it's too fresh to think clearly. My kids, biological or not, come first. I haven't totally given up yet. Close, damn close, but not totally.

 

They both have the same father. He is someone that she use to spend time with when we had a sexually open marriage. He doesn't know that he has kids, at least that is what I was told, and he is married now.

 

Hmmm just missed out that little detail. Something ain't sitting right. I'm out.

[PrettyEmily77]

I have trouble establishing whether yours was a marriage of love, OP. This doesn't read like either of you has ever been emotionally connected to the other. There is no mention of you caring at all for your wife at any point (before the revelation, I mean), and I know people cope with things differently but it strikes me as odd that your instinct is to cheat on her, rather than to try and keep a clear head since all this new information has come to light, for your kids' sake if anything else.

 

You married young and entered this 'open marriage' system very early in your marriage (that you seem to have initiated yourself) with a dangerous degree of naivity / complacency on both parts, with her duplicity and betrayal an almost inevitable byproduct of that.

 

The truth will out eventually, because it always does - however much control you want when it does is up to you.

 

Whatever has been holding your marriage up until this point (obligation or duty or parental responsibility) is still there so you can carry on and 're-open' the marriage as it were, or call it quits with the view of providing your kids a healthy, koving, non-dysfunctional environment.

 

As it is, I'd be surprised if the older 2 hadn't picked up on something already.

[inuyoshi]

Run forrest run!

[elaine567]

Truth is, you had a sexually open marriage, in which your wife had the same "open" partner for 12 years and you flitted around with multiple partners as was your wont.

She got naturally attached to the OM, but you are now blaming her for doing that, when you, by your own admission, see sex, including the sex with your wife, as being something that has no emotion associated.

 

So whilst you were having the time of your life in your open marriage by sleeping with many different women, your wife just stuck to the one OM, as I guess she was not really the "open marriage type" but agreed to do it for you.

 

I guess at the time, (if she did indeed chose him to be the father), she saw the OM as more stable and suitable father material, as her husband was this guy who was essentially "sleeping around" with anyone and everyone.

 

This mess is of your own making, you cannot now shift all the blame onto your wife here.