I'm not the biological father of my daughters

[jMON]

I am a 38 year old male and I have been married to my wife for 15 years, she is 34. We have 3 children together, who are 12, 8 and 4. We have been trying for baby #4 but that plan was put on hold when my wife told me that our two daughters are not mine biologically.

 

It hit me like a ton of rocks and took me a long time to accept that she was telling the truth. I have since had DNA tests done on all 3 children and she is telling the truth. My son is my biological child, but my daughters are not.

 

This only came up because we had genetic testing done, something was found that we both carry and it was recommended to have our kids tested as well. They can only carry the gene if both parents do, and it is a 50/50 chance. I feel confident that this never would have risen from the dead if we had clear tests or no tests at all.

 

What I am having an extremely hard time with is that they are still my daughters. I raised them, they call me daddy, I was there from day 1. It's something that I really don't want my girls to ever find out.

 

Any ounce of trust that I had for my wife is gone. No matter what is going on, I cannot trust her. Even if she says she is just going to get milk or texting her sister, I don't trust it at all. We are going to go to MC and maybe that will help. I don't look at her the same way. The moment those words came off her lips, I fell out of love with her. I have been sleeping in the guest room because I cannot stand to be next to her. I wake up and leave the house early so I don't have to see her in the morning and ruin my day.

 

Is there any chance at coming back from this?

[SammySammy]

Forgiveness is always an option.

[thedudeyo]

Man. That's tough man. Real tough

I'm no specialist but reading this man. Its crazy and you know it. After all these years to keep sumn like that. Not only from you but from the kids. She's different and honestly counselling will help marriage but not u. You will always look at her different and you won't have the feeling of love for her anymore, that's just my opinion.

 

At the end of it you are there father biologically or not. You love them and they love you I'm sure. So in my humble opinion its the relationship with your children that matters. Not your wife. That's not a marriage and that's not a wife. To keep something like that from you is crazy.

 

And what's more crazy if these tests weren't to be done then who knows You may have never known the truth.

 

Do u think u still wanna be married to this woman. After something so huge? Whos even the real father. Does he even know he has children. Take care man. Hope it all works out for you.

[jMON]

Forgiveness is always an option.

 

Easier said than done, my friend.

 

Do u think u still wanna be married to this woman. After something so huge? Whos even the real father. Does he even know he has children. Take care man. Hope it all works out for you.

 

Right now, it's too fresh to think clearly. My kids, biological or not, come first. I haven't totally given up yet. Close, damn close, but not totally.

 

They both have the same father. He is someone that she use to spend time with when we had a sexually open marriage. He doesn't know that he has kids, at least that is what I was told, and he is married now.

[BetrayedH]

Typically, a voluntary confession is a big indicator of true remorse. Statistically, it literally doubles the chances of reconciliation.

 

Was this confession truly voluntary? Or was she under some duress?

 

I think that will matter to you.

[MJJean]

If you love those girls, you have to tell them. They have a right to know who their biological father is, what their heritage is, and to have access to family medical history. Considering you and your wife have had genetic testing, you should be well aware of how important it is for the girls to have an accurrate medical history for both bio parents.

 

I know this isn't something you want to tell them, but they do have the right to know the truth. If they find out later, they will likely see their lives, their parents marriage, and their family life as a lie. The earlier you are honest with them, the easier it will be for them.

 

Frankly, you and your wife had a sexually open marriage, sex makes babies, two babies were made from sex with an OM, and now you owe it to those babies and the OM to be honest. That is simply one of the hazards of the lifestyle you chose. At least the kids will know their mother wasn't cheating, but was only acting as permitted by agreement.

 

Just to let you know where I'm coming from, I am the adult child of an extramarital affair.

[xxoo]

They both have the same father. He is someone that she use to spend time with when we had a sexually open marriage. He doesn't know that he has kids, at least that is what I was told, and he is married now.

 

So she didn't have an affair. Is that part correct?

 

Did she plan to conceive with him? That would be a betrayal.

 

Or were the conceptions accidental? That seems to be an inherent risk of open marriage.

[bubbaganoosh]

Why are you sleeping in the guest room? If it was me, everything in the master bed room that was hers would be in the guest room including her or in the driveway but not in the same bed I sleep in.

 

I heard someone say you have a open marriage. With that said, there's still such a thing called common sense and courtesy, in other words using protection which she didn't use and on top of that lying to you not once but twice about your kids.

 

I honestly don't see anything worth saving. If it was me she would be on the street alone. Nothing like really low balling you. She's shown a complete lack of any respect for you and you don't have to take that from her. Go find a good lawyer and get yourself squared away.

[MJJean]

Typically, a voluntary confession is a big indicator of true remorse. Statistically, it literally doubles the chances of reconciliation.

 

Was this confession truly voluntary? Or was she under some duress?

 

I think that will matter to you.

 

They were having genetic testing done, they are both carriers and were advised to have their children tested, which is when the OP's wife came clean and admitted the girls weren't biologically OP's. I'd say that was a confession under duress as genetic testing would have revealed the girls paternity anyways.

 

Thing is, what should she be remorseful for? The sexual relationship between her and the girls bio father was during a period of time when she and OP had an open marriage. She may have comitted adultery, but she didn't cheat.

 

Sex makes babies and birth control isn't foolproof. The children were conceived when the marriage was sexually open. OP knew his wife had other sexual partners around the time of conception. Logically, OP should have questioned paternity from the beginning.

 

I don't think, based on what has been posted so far, that the wife lied so much as failed to state the obvious, which OP went along with until this recent medical issue which made going along with the fiction impossible.

[BetrayedH]

They were having genetic testing done, they are both carriers and were advised to have their children tested, which is when the OP's wife came clean and admitted the girls weren't biologically OP's. I'd say that was a confession under duress as genetic testing would have revealed the girls paternity anyways.

 

Thing is, what should she be remorseful for? The sexual relationship between her and the girls bio father was during a period of time when she and OP had an open marriage. She may have comitted adultery, but she didn't cheat.

 

Sex makes babies and birth control isn't foolproof. The children were conceived when the marriage was sexually open. OP knew his wife had other sexual partners around the time of conception. Logically, OP should have questioned paternity from the beginning.

 

I don't think, based on what has been posted so far, that the wife lied so much as failed to state the obvious, which OP went along with until this recent medical issue which made going along with the fiction impossible.

 

I don't think we know yet if the marriage was "open" at the time of conception.

 

I also may have missed the part where genetic testing was the impetus hehind the confession. I'll re-read.

[GoldenR]

(For some reason,my post took a very long time to actually show up, and all my questions have already been answered)

[MJJean]

I heard someone say you have a open marriage. With that said, there's still such a thing called common sense and courtesy, in other words using protection which she didn't use and on top of that lying to you not once but twice about your kids.

 

Actually, she may have used birth control. Birth control isn't foolproof. I have one Pill baby and a condom baby to prove it!

 

Common sense would dictate a paternity test upon birth for the child of a woman known to have had multiple sexual partners around the time of conception. If OP didn't ask for a paternity test back then, how much was his wife lying to him and how much was him lying to himself?

[GoldenR]

If the marriage was open, what did she do wrong? Not use birth control?

[jMON]

Typically, a voluntary confession is a big indicator of true remorse. Statistically, it literally doubles the chances of reconciliation.

 

Was this confession truly voluntary? Or was she under some duress?

 

I think that will matter to you.

 

Somewhere in the middle is most likely. We had genetic testing done on ourselves, it was recommended to test all 3 of our children as well. Before we tested the kids she came clean.

 

If you love those girls, you have to tell them. They have a right to know who their biological father is, what their heritage is, and to have access to family medical history. Considering you and your wife have had genetic testing, you should be well aware of how important it is for the girls to have an accurate medical history for both bio parents.

 

Even if we were to tell them, they wouldn't have access to health information until the biological dad is informed. Seeing as he is married now I have doubts that he would want any part, and IMO, isn't welcome in their lives.

 

Frankly, you and your wife had a sexually open marriage, sex makes babies, two babies were made from sex with an OM, and now you owe it to those babies and the OM to be honest. That is simply one of the hazards of the lifestyle you chose. At least the kids will know their mother wasn't cheating, but was only acting as permitted by agreement.

 

It might not be a classic case of cheating but it's not under the acceptable list either. We had rules about contraception (which isn't fool proof, I know) and she disregarded them and got pregnant by him on purpose. That's the thing, it wasn't accidental. That would be a totally different scenario. Her reasoning was that her emotions got the best of her, he was more attractive, she was confused, etc.

 

We opened the marriage because we have very different ideal sex lives. We had a lot of rules and it worked out really well [or so I thought]. It was to be purely sexual, set days, rules on what could and could not happen, our marriage couldn't be discussed, never hide anything from each other, full transparency. I wanted to know details, she wanted none, that worked for us.

 

We both have high sex drives, but different ideas on what good sex is. She wants sex to be loving, passionate, roses and unicorns, something I wasn't into so she got that 'experience' elsewhere, and I had the same.

 

We mutually decided to close the marriage 2 years ago. Ironically, as I recently learned, shortly after her OM got hitched. I had many partners over the years, she had 3 and quickly dropped the first 2 when she met the last one.

 

So she didn't have an affair. Is that part correct?

 

Did she plan to conceive with him? That would be a betrayal.

 

Or were the conceptions accidental? That seems to be an inherent risk of open marriage.

 

That's where it gets complicated. The marriage was open, sexually. No relationships were to be had and if feelings developed it was time to stop with that person. Which leads to your next question...

 

Yes, she intentionally got pregnant with his child. Not once, but twice.

 

We did talk about accidental pregnancies as well, and had mutual agreements on that. However doubling up on birth control methods would leave a very slim chance (IUD + condoms).

 

Sex makes babies and birth control isn't foolproof. The children were conceived when the marriage was sexually open. OP knew his wife had other sexual partners around the time of conception. Logically, OP should have questioned paternity from the beginning.

 

I don't think, based on what has been posted so far, that the wife lied so much as failed to state the obvious, which OP went along with until this recent medical issue which made going along with the fiction impossible.

 

Each time that we decided to try for a baby we closed the marriage. She had her IUD removed and neither of us were to see other partners until after the pregnancy was over. She broke that rule, and chose to get knocked up.

[SammySammy]

Sounds like you had ... and still have ... unrealistic expectations surrounding your open marriage. Rules don't prevent feelings from developing. Don't prevent pregnancies. Don't prevent trust from being broken and feelings being hurt.

 

They also don't remove the biological father's right to know he has children and be involved in their lives.

 

Messes are messy. We can try to contain our messes, but when they overflow we have to deal with them. Both you and your wife.

 

It's easy to be angry at her. You all could have handled your sexual differences within the marriage. You both decided to do something different and it blew up on you.

 

Deal with the mess.

[drifter777]

Typically, a voluntary confession is a big indicator of true remorse. Statistically, it literally doubles the chances of reconciliation.

 

Was this confession truly voluntary? Or was she under some duress?

 

I think that will matter to you.

I think she "confessed" because of some DNA testing that was being done to screen for something. If she waited this long then there was absolutely no way she was ever going to volunteer this information.

 

OP - You are not the biological father of these kids but you are definitely their daddy. This is a fact that will never change no matter what happens from here on.

 

As far as getting past this? I don't think that is possible. You love your daughters but as long as you live with their mother you will be reminded of her betrayal every time you look at them. For this reason there is no way for your wound to heal because the scab will be torn off with every ugly memory of her cheating.

 

It sounds like you are a good man and a good father. None of this changes when you stop living with the mother of your children. What changes when you leave is that the sick, sinking feeling you have in the pit of your stomach starts to go away. As you detach from your wife you will begin to heal. If you stay you have only begun to suffer.

 

You really should rent a room and leave right now. Take some alone time to decide your next steps. If you stay with her she will use everything - including your children - to manipulate and gaslight you. You are in a fragile emotional state and time away from her will help you begin to turn your world right-side up again.

[MJJean]

Even if we were to tell them, they wouldn't have access to health information until the biological dad is informed. Seeing as he is married now I have doubts that he would want any part, and IMO, isn't welcome in their lives.

 

 

 

It might not be a classic case of cheating but it's not under the acceptable list either. We had rules about contraception (which isn't fool proof, I know) and she disregarded them and got pregnant by him on purpose. That's the thing, it wasn't accidental. That would be a totally different scenario. Her reasoning was that her emotions got the best of her, he was more attractive, she was confused, etc.

 

 

 

We mutually decided to close the marriage 2 years ago. Ironically, as I recently learned, shortly after her OM got hitched. I had many partners over the years, she had 3 and quickly dropped the first 2 when she met the last one.

 

That's where it gets complicated. The marriage was open, sexually. No relationships were to be had and if feelings developed it was time to stop with that person. Which leads to your next question...

 

Yes, she intentionally got pregnant with his child. Not once, but twice.

 

 

Each time that we decided to try for a baby we closed the marriage. She had her IUD removed and neither of us were to see other partners until after the pregnancy was over. She broke that rule, and chose to get knocked up.

 

So, to be very clear, you had no idea that she and OM were having sex around the time the girls were conceived? In that case, yes, it was cheating.

 

She deliberately got pregnant while cheating on you. That is an even bigger betrayal.

 

To know and conceal the paternity of the girls from you and their bio father is...well...yeah. I can't imagine a deeper betrayal.

 

As for bio father, he and the girls have a right to know. If he doesn't want anything to do with them, fine. You can always ask for family medical history and see if he gives that information to you for his children for decency's sake. If he does want something to do with them, you should at least consider it. If your WW never told him she had his children, he's just as much of a victim as you and those girls are.

 

I was a WW in my first marriage. He had affairs, I had affairs, it was a complete sham. Believe me, I am not living in a glass house throwing rocks. But I will say this. If she stopped seeing other OM, wanted to have his babies, and only wanted to close the marriage around the time her OM got married himself, I'd bet my last $5 that she was in love with him and would have left if he asked and that she stayed with you because you were a solid Plan B who would protect and provide for her and her offspring.

[drifter777]

OP - I should have waited a couple minutes longer before I posted. This open marriage thing changes any advice or feedback I gave you so please ignore it. You made this mess yourself - good luck cleaning it up.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Each time that we decided to try for a baby we closed the marriage. She had her IUD removed and neither of us were to see other partners until after the pregnancy was over. She broke that rule, and chose to get knocked up.

 

Looks like the marriage was closed each time ... Damn straight that's infidelity.

 

Not only that - it's very cold and calculated. Your wife is one piece of work...

 

Sorry you're going through this.

[jMON]

Sounds like you had ... and still have ... unrealistic expectations surrounding your open marriage. Rules don't prevent feelings from developing. Don't prevent pregnancies. Don't prevent trust from being broken and feelings being hurt.

 

So I should have expected her to CHOOSE to get knocked up by her OM rather than her husband? I don't think so.

 

No, rules do not prevent feelings from developing but that is why they are in place. So that if feelings developed their time together would cease.

 

So, to be very clear, you had no idea that she and OM were having sex around the time the girls were conceived? In that case, yes, it was cheating.

 

She deliberately got pregnant while cheating on you. That is an even bigger betrayal.

 

To know and conceal the paternity of the girls from you and their bio father is...well...yeah. I can't imagine a deeper betrayal.

 

As for bio father, he and the girls have a right to know. If he doesn't want anything to do with them, fine. You can always ask for family medical history and see if he gives that information to you for his children for decency's sake. If he does want something to do with them, you should at least consider it. If your WW never told him she had his children, he's just as much of a victim as you and those girls are.

 

I had absolutely no idea that she was still sleeping with him when our daughters were conceived. Before she had her IUD removed I explicitly asked her if she ended it, and she clearly said yes. She also told me which days she was most fertile so we would try then. I'm not the biologically father which leads me to believe she lied about that as well, and instead had sex with OM on the fertile days.

 

She said the bio father didn't know that she was trying to get pregnant, and that she never told him. Also said she regretted it after she got pregnant, but then she did it again so... Our oldest (12) and youngest (4) are not mine, the middle child is. It is such a large age gap I can't reason why she would do it twice.

 

I don't want to have to deal with him. It's not his fault, if she is telling the truth. That doesn't stop me feeling like I want to kill him. We had a rule that condoms always had to be used. Either she never did, or he stopped and must have known.

 

If she stopped seeing other OM, wanted to have his babies, and only wanted to close the marriage around the time her OM got married himself, I'd bet my last $5 that she was in love with him and would have left if he asked and that she stayed with you because you were a solid Plan B who would protect and provide for her and her offspring.

 

This is what I have been thinking from the day she came clean. She denies it, of course. It's hard to know what to believe because she came right out and told me everything. I didn't have to jump through hoops to get information. She has also been very upset and remorseful since telling me. She has been kissing my ass, telling me we can re-open the marriage on my end only, she stopped doing all the things that annoy me, does more around the house, etc. She also had bad PPD following the births of both the girls, which I don't know if that is related or not.

[MJJean]

Looks like the marriage was closed each time ... Damn straight that's infidelity.

 

If she deliberately conceived with OM, she had to have gone off BC and had sex with him and only him in order to ensure the child was his. If she was having sex with both of them, she would have no way of knowing who fathered the resulting child.

 

So, now I wonder if she got pregnant BEFORE officially "trying for a baby" with OP. "Oooh, I'm pregnant! Just a few weeks along. Better start "trying for a baby" with H before he gets suspicious."

[MJJean]

So I should have expected her to CHOOSE to get knocked up by her OM rather than her husband? I don't think so.

 

No, rules do not prevent feelings from developing but that is why they are in place. So that if feelings developed their time together would cease.

 

 

 

I had absolutely no idea that she was still sleeping with him when our daughters were conceived. Before she had her IUD removed I explicitly asked her if she ended it, and she clearly said yes. She also told me which days she was most fertile so we would try then. I'm not the biologically father which leads me to believe she lied about that as well, and instead had sex with OM on the fertile days.

 

She said the bio father didn't know that she was trying to get pregnant, and that she never told him. Also said she regretted it after she got pregnant, but then she did it again so... Our oldest (12) and youngest (4) are not mine, the middle child is. It is such a large age gap I can't reason why she would do it twice.

 

I don't want to have to deal with him. It's not his fault, if she is telling the truth. That doesn't stop me feeling like I want to kill him. We had a rule that condoms always had to be used. Either she never did, or he stopped and must have known.

 

 

 

This is what I have been thinking from the day she came clean. She denies it, of course. It's hard to know what to believe because she came right out and told me everything. I didn't have to jump through hoops to get information. She has also been very upset and remorseful since telling me. She has been kissing my ass, telling me we can re-open the marriage on my end only, she stopped doing all the things that annoy me, does more around the house, etc. She also had bad PPD following the births of both the girls, which I don't know if that is related or not.

 

My $.02 for what it's worth.

 

She came clean because she is smart enough to know she was going to be outed when the genetic testing was performed on the children, so she minimized damage by telling you herself. DO NOT mistake that for remorse. If she was remorseful, she would have told you when she got pregnant with the first of his kids. She isn't remorseful over what she has done, she is sad she got caught and afraid her life will explode. NEVER forget that.

 

There was an 8 year difference between the children she had by her OM. 8 years. That is longer than many marriages. She was involved with this man off and on for nearly a decade and deliberately had two...not one, but two...children with him. Yes, she's lying if she says she wasn't in love with him.

 

BTW, if she had the IUD out when she said she did, she had NO WAY of knowing who fathered the children. Sperm live inside the body for up to 5 days after sex. Conception dates and delivery dates are always +/- 2 weeks. If she KNEW you weren't the father, she was either really certain her best guess was right or she had the IUD out earlier than she claims and was already newly pregnant when she "tried for a baby" with you.

 

Don't be angry at the OM. All he did was get some easy NSA from some married chick with her husbands approval. He really is just as much of a victim as you and the babies. Some men don't care about their offspring, but others do! Put yourself in his shoes. Wouldn't you want to know you have two children out there? I get that you don't want to deal with the man that was screwing your wife and fathered two children by her, but it is what it is. And, remember, he was only involved with your wife because you allowed it. You can't blame him for the decisions you (open marriage) and your wife (getting pregnant and lying) made. Be furious with her for her duplicity, be furious with yourself for allowing her to screw other men in the first place, but don't be mad at him for what wasn't his circus or his monkeys.

 

He's simply guilty of stupidity. How often has a woman told a man she is on BC only to come up pregnant later? Oldest trick in the book. "It's ok. You don't have to use a condom. I'm on the Pill/have an IUD/it's not a fertile day."

 

Tell the girls and tell him. They all have a right to know. This is about much more than just you and your wife and whatever drama is going down between you two.

 

Oh, I bet she is kissing your azz! I would be, too, were I in her shoes. First, Plan A/Baby Daddy married someone else and now Plan B has proof that she had children with her OM, which Plan B could share with the children, the OM, and all of her friends and family, thus destroying her reputation and damaging her personal relationships. She's kissing your azz so it will all blow over and you'll keep your mouth shut.

Edited September 18, 2016 by MJJean

[GoldenR]

Of course her PPD was due to OM being the daddy. I hate to be harsh, but she was mourning the fact that they wouldn't be raised by him.

 

And of course she's going up say that you're not plan B. She's in survival mode.

 

That said, since the youngest was born and OM got married, it wouldn't surprise me at all of she has "seen the light" and is now 100% in love with you.

[MJJean]

Of course her PPD was due to OM being the daddy. I hate to be harsh, but she was mourning the fact that they wouldn't be raised by him.

 

And of course she's going up say that you're not plan B. She's in survival mode.

 

That said, since the youngest was born and OM got married, it wouldn't surprise me at all of she has "seen the light" and is now 100% in love with you.

 

Or she has seen that a woman with 3 kids and 2 Baby Daddies isn't exactly a hot item on the dating and mating scene and since her OM doesn't want her, she might as well stay with Plan B because he is already locked down.

 

Can you imagine her dating? A woman in her age group with 3 young kids isn't exactly sought after, but add in her history and a man would be insane to date her seriously!

 

"Well, I have 3 kids. I was in an open marriage, had a couple kids with my OM and one with my husband, then my H found out I lied for over a decade about the paternity of the kids he was raising and paying for, so he divorced me and now here I am with you on this lovely dinner date! Wait! Where are you going?"

Edited September 18, 2016 by MJJean

[Mr. Lucky]

Didn't know marriage was like a light switch, one could open and close it at will. Not surprised things got complicated...

 

Mr. Lucky