Fight Might Break Up LTR

[Miss Peach]

My BF and I had been together for 16 months. Fighting had been rare. Disagreements had been pretty respectful other than some moments of sulking on his side. I had a few concerns but I thought we had worked everything out until we had a pretty big fight this weekend.

 

Long story short, I tried to alter some plans on our date (either take him with me and go 1/2 mile out of our way) or arrange to meet 15 minutes later. He felt as though we didn't have a good date. He sees a date (with dinner and an activity) as the only way to spend quality time. I don't feel the same but tried to understand his point. I agreed to do everything he wanted but was a bit sleepy which got him upset. His idea of being considerate of me was to ignore me when I said I was happy to do his plan and sulk. Not wanting to deal with his sulking again, I asked what was wrong, offered to talk, and then did my own thing until he was willing to talk. Then we hit an impasse. I went to sleep and he chose to sleep on the couch.

 

I have been dealing with increasing incidents of him sulking over small things not going according to plan. Or he sulks because he interprets innocent texts for the worst such as my asking to change our plan (which was take out and some tv or video games) or asking if he had any details on something he asked me to do for him.

 

He didn't want to set up any time to see each other to talk more. He didn't want to arrange any time to talk on the phone. He told me that my schedule was crazier so to let him know. I told him I would make time and gave him some options. He refused to pick anything and left.

 

I don't know for sure but I really doubt he'll content me unless I reach out to apologize. I'm not sure I want to.

 

I can understand his feelings but I see a few really different ways of approaching things which bother me:

 

1. He can't handle any small change of plans. We don't see eye to eye on what quality time is. He makes me very uncomfortable stepping outside of our routine, his unspoken expectations around time/activities, and communicating with him trivial things as he tend to feel I'm attacking him or backing out even though I have never actually done any of this.

 

2. I don't like his way of handling conflict (silence and sulking).

 

3. He assumes the worst of me despite this much history and no basis for it. I assume the best in him and ask him about anything that seems out of place.

 

I'm not sure at this point what I want to do or whether I'm overreacting to any of this. I don't feel I am but I'm happy to hear other view points. I talked to a few close IRL friends today and they all think that I'm not blowing things out of proportion. Some are surprised I put up with what I have already.

[Blanco]

He sounds like a baby.

 

Be honest with yourself. Is this sort of behavior really totally new for him or is it just something that maybe has been there in some capacity for a while and it's just that it's finally starting to wear you down?

 

I'm not the most mature person and will admit to being a bit of a sulker. That's probably why I can confidently tell you he's being a baby.

 

Unless you left out some crucial details, I'm at a loss for why you'd think you need to apologize. Best I can tell, your only "transgressions" were attempting to change plans for a date and then being tired. If that's enough for him to stonewall you (and yes, that's what he is doing), then god help you if you ever do something legitimately wrong.

 

Something in his life has taught him that this is an effective and acceptable way to handle conflict. I suggest you remain strong and show him that this isn't actually correct.

[Blanco]

I read some of your other threads. He's a guy in his 40's who doesn't have kids. Translation: His life has been about him.

 

I see you are a parent. Is this the sort of example you want the male figure in your child's life to be? That when there's someone in life that bothers them, they just vanish and remain silent until that person tracks them down and begs for forgiveness?

 

I did that crap in my late twenties and I'm retroactively ashamed I was immature enough at THAT age to do it. I can't imagine tacking on another 20 years to that and still behaving that way. I mean, I can, but in that vision, I'm also single, because no woman in her right mind wants to put up with that nonsense.

[whatnot]

Ma'am. Miss Peach? Excuse me, but....I've read your post several times this evening. I've read it over and over. (Probably, 15 to 20 times...and that's studying, and that's studying it, not just reading it). Now...there's a couple of places where it looks as if an argument could be made either way...it could be debated as you trying to say something nice about this guy or not. However, given that the complete posting was a laudry list of things that concern you about this man, it's has to be assumed that those two times where it appears as if your trying to say something nice, is in fact...(as both read) something negative as well. So....given all of the available information (you speak of nothing such as honesty, integrity, a man among men, caring, compassionate, etc...you get the idea?) Given just the information at hand, I would say "Yes". to your question as to whether it is you are over reacting or not. However....It's not that simple. The fact that you cannot find anything good about his person, tells me (and I'm just some guy on here with nothing better to do, so I'm not trying to pull any sort of "fast one" on you). Now...you cannot find anything good to say about this guy. At first blush....just reading the info. at hand....you should also break up with this guy. (Let him go....don't talk to him....).

 

So the answers to both of the questions you've asked is (my opinion) "Yes"...to both questions. Yes you are over reacting. and yes...you should break up.

 

And then there's this little nugget....

 

I assume the best in him

There's zero evidence of this in what you've written. (I'm not saying it's not true. What I am saying is there's no evidence of this being true).

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure at this point what I want to do or whether I'm overreacting to any of this. I don't feel I am.

There's nothing important about anything you've written. (About his defects of character). So, therefore, I can not understand why you would ask if you are over reacting or not. Because it is so clear to (at least THIS) reader, that nothing important was an issue. So yes...you do (my advice to you) need to definitely break up with this man.

[jen1447]

Ask yourself how you feel about him deep down Peaches. Don't analyze specifics, just find out what your gut impulse says.

 

?

[NopeNah]

He seems like a "Baby"...Doubt he'll change on that front. Look at it as if a friend of yours acted the same way.

Edited September 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Els]

I agree that dealing with conflict by sulking is immature. If he is actually in his 40s as another poster said, I would be very wary of it because at that age, he's unlikely to change. If you choose to stay with him, you have to be willing and able to deal with it for a lifetime.

 

As for the quality time... well, what's your definition of quality time? How often do you guys meet up every week? How often do you try to change dates? It's hard to comment without knowing the specifics.

[whatnot]

You deserve someone who spends quality time, doesn't sulk, and handles conflict the way you need for them to. In other words, you need someone you admire and doesn't bother you so much. This guy annoys you too much.

 

Find someone who's not so annoying. Someone you can find some good in.

 

 

You two sound incompatible to me. How can you respect this man? There's nothing good about him. (Just from what you've written. I don't know the man)

 

 

Even people on here are calling him names.

 

I retract my statement about you over-reacting. It's not over reacting to dump someone you don't like as much as you don't like this man. So you are not over reacting and you should dump him. You'd both be happier

 

Find someone who appreciates your ability to find the best in people

Edited September 18, 2016 by whatnot

[hippychick3]

He sounds selfish and high-maintenance. His sulking is a form of control. I was married to someone like this for many years. It will only get worse. It's all about him, and his inability to see your perspective or compromise will continue to make things more difficult in this relationship. I don't see any reason for you to apologize.

[Miss Peach]

Blanco - Thank you for your comments. That was helpful to hear from a self-proclaimed sulker.

 

Whatnot - I agree that if you don't like your BF there isn't much reason to continue. People have good and bad parts. For me the sulking and the rigidness was getting too difficult to deal with. But he did have good parts too. There are parts of him that are generous such as planning the dates, taking me out to dinner, etc.

 

Ask yourself how you feel about him deep down Peaches. Don't analyze specifics, just find out what your gut impulse says.

?

 

Recent events like not asking about my day, the stalker he didn't support me through, that he won't contact me between dates, the sulking, etc. have really made me lose a lot of respect and admiration for him. I think in the end this is probably for the best. I don't feel comfortable with the idea of some of that for year after year. My XH throwing tantrums was a huge contributor to my marriage ending. I see my part in that dynamic and am unwilling to repeat it with BF to keep the peace.

 

I agree that dealing with conflict by sulking is immature. If he is actually in his 40s as another poster said, I would be very wary of it because at that age, he's unlikely to change. If you choose to stay with him, you have to be willing and able to deal with it for a lifetime.

 

As for the quality time... well, what's your definition of quality time? How often do you guys meet up every week? How often do you try to change dates? It's hard to comment without knowing the specifics.

 

Yes he's mid 40s. I'm 30s with a kid. I meet up with him on all my kid free days plus one kid day per week - usually 3-4 times per week.

 

This is probably the 3rd time I've tried to change a date on the day of in 16 months. Our date planned was just takeout and hang so I didn't think it was a big deal when the store was so close to his house. We had to modify his normal date of dinner and an activity about 5 times in the last month but that was because of a move, me getting a cold, and this. They were known ahead of time beside this instance.

 

For me quality time is just time with each other. I feel sometimes life gets in the way. I would have an issue if it got in the way all the time, but looking over the course of a LTR, a few days isn't much in the overall relationship. I actually looked forward into incorporating him more into it because there's only so much you can learn about someone over dinner and a movie. He obviously didn't see it the same way.

 

He sounds selfish and high-maintenance. His sulking is a form of control. I was married to someone like this for many years. It will only get worse. It's all about him, and his inability to see your perspective or compromise will continue to make things more difficult in this relationship. I don't see any reason for you to apologize.

 

This is what I've been suspecting. Since I wasn't getting emotional and was trying to rationally talk it out, I believe that is a large reason it blew up so much. He wasn't getting the validation he wanted. we never ever touched on my anger. The whole conversation was me trying to see his feelings, telling him he had a right to feel that way, but that I disagreed with him saying he was being considerate by doing the opposite of what I told him I wanted. I also disagreed that two bad dates in about 100+ per year weren't as harmful to the relationship as being this rigid at finished the panned date that I agreed to complete. But I am the type who can let little things slide and go with the flow. He's not that type.

[Miss Peach]

I never heard from him. It's been 24 hours. I doubt I will. I suspect he's waiting for me to call and apologize.

 

When we had our last few words I asked if our plans for the weekend were still on. He asked if I wanted my kid to see this and I responded probably not. I asked if we were going to talk and he said to let him know because I'm busier. I told him I would make time and if it was over the weekend we could talk when the kid went to sleep. Right now we have no plans to talk again or see each other. I feel I opened the door in this conversation and got shot down.

 

I'm still angry. I feel our previous arguments I posted about here on LS helped me get it a lot of my sad. It's a crappy way to end such a long relationship. I've decided not to reach out to him. If I don't hear anything from him over the next week I'll consider myself single going forward. I don't want to sit in limbo any longer than that.

 

I haven't decided what I will do if he contacts me. I feel really uneasy about campatability and communication now. I don't know if I could deal with that over many years so maybe it's best to leave as-is and feel grateful of not having to do a breakup talk.

Edited September 18, 2016 by Miss Peach

[jen1447]

Recent events like not asking about my day, the stalker he didn't support me through, that he won't contact me between dates, the sulking, etc. have really made me lose a lot of respect and admiration for him. I think in the end this is probably for the best. I don't feel comfortable with the idea of some of that for year after year. My XH throwing tantrums was a huge contributor to my marriage ending. I see my part in that dynamic and am unwilling to repeat it with BF to keep the peace.

 

I think that's pretty much your answer hon. Sorry, but at the same time it kinda sounds like this'll be for the best. ((Hugs))

[Miss Peach]

BF didn't contact me until this morning and it was by email. The first paragraph was chastising me for not calling over the weekend. When he dropped me off he kept making excuses at my suggestions for talking/seeing each other so I took that as he didn't want to. I also gave him some good times to talk. The email continues about how he can't trust me to keep my word and so forth. Then the email ends with him wanting to see me again.

 

There is part of me that wants to ignore the email but I don't feel it's right for such a long LTR. But it's hard for me to get to respond to it without getting angry at that first paragraph. Especially when I ALWAYS did what I said I would do, was never late, never broke dates, etc. for the entire relationship. Plus he could always have picked up the phone too. I told him the best times to talk to me last weekend. The worst case would have been I would have scheduled a better time to talk.

 

I'm at the point of having to choose what to do. I'm seeing enough red flags I don't think we are compatible enough and I don't know if I can give him enough to shore up his insecurities. But it's hard to have that finality when you've been with someone for so long that you care about and don't want to hurt. Just not sure how to start that with him without it getting ugly.

Edited September 19, 2016 by Miss Peach

[jen1447]

Just so I've got the chain of events right, after the fight you offered to arrange a time to talk, but he said no, and then said call him to let him know a time to talk? And then he got mad bc you didn't? I don't really get that, unless it was an "A-ha! Just like I thought!" built-in plan for failure type thing.

 

As far as responding goes, email's actually great bc you can compose your thoughts and write exactly what you want to say. I'd give it a day or so - don't reply while you're freshly angry bc that'll inevitably color your language and it'll come thru pretty clearly. You want to be and sound cool and composed.

[Blanco]

BF didn't contact me until this morning and it was by email. The first paragraph was chastising me for not calling over the weekend. When he dropped me off he kept making excuses at my suggestions for talking/seeing each other so I took that as he didn't want to. I also gave him some good times to talk. The email continues about how he can't trust me to keep my word and so forth. Then the email ends with him wanting to see me again.

 

Nope, nope, nope. Again, unless there's some major things you're omitting, this guy sounds like a manipulative jerk.

 

Instead of conveying what's upsetting him like an adult, he makes sure to browbeat you before getting down to brass tacks. So right off the bat, you already feel like you've wronged him and it's on you to do the "right" thing and apologize.

 

What exactly prevented him from calling you? Nothing. He's just being a baby that you didn't take his stonewalling bait and come chasing him down. Again, I say these things as a person who is guilty of this behavior, so I know exactly what he's doing.

[Miss Peach]

Just so I've got the chain of events right, after the fight you offered to arrange a time to talk, but he said no, and then said call him to let him know a time to talk? And then he got mad bc you didn't? I don't really get that, unless it was an "A-ha! Just like I thought!" built-in plan for failure type thing.

 

So the chain of events was the fight at his house. We tried to talk that evening and the next morning. He took me home in the morning and just said bye. Our normal routine was to confirm the next date/time we would see each other. I asked about some plans we had over the weekend that he made excuses for. I asked if he wanted to talk on the phone and he said I was busier than him. I gave him a time I could arrange a large block of time to talk. He didn't say yes. We parted with no firm plans of any type. Then I get this email that starts out 'Why didn't you call me this weekend?' and starts going on about how unreliable I am (though I have never been). It ends with him wanting to know if I'm willing to continue.

 

I agree I don't want to reply today because I'm still too angry. I'm just not sure what to reply and how. For as long as we had been together I feel a phone call is in order but I have concerns being pulling into his circular logic again. I don't know if I trust him to be short and sweet. My style is more direct that outright bi*** so it won't be easy for me to hang up on him if he tries to go down that route. I'm dreading what may be a long call. We already spent about 3 hours talking in this standoff when it occurred and the next morning before I left his house.

 

Nope, nope, nope. Again, unless there's some major things you're omitting, this guy sounds like a manipulative jerk.

What exactly prevented him from calling you? Nothing. He's just being a baby that you didn't take his stonewalling bait and come chasing him down. Again, I say these things as a person who is guilty of this behavior, so I know exactly what he's doing.

 

Thank you for validating how I feel. I felt like this whole argument was basically a sh** test from him to get an emotional response out of me. I realize not everyone can think logically when they are feeling emotional but even after calming down I was hoping he would see some sense of his role in this. Without that it makes me feel more comfortable in my decision to end this.

 

I know I'm a woman, but if I were sending something like this, I would be including some sense of empathy or an apology for my role in the fight. I wouldn't start out like he did.

Edited September 19, 2016 by Miss Peach

[jen1447]

I agree I don't want to reply today because I'm still too angry. I'm just not sure what to reply and how. For as long as we had been together I feel a phone call is in order but I have concerns being pulling into his circular logic again. I don't know if I trust him to be short and sweet. My style is more direct that outright bi*** so it won't be easy for me to hang up on him if he tries to go down that route. I'm dreading what may be a long call. We already spent about 3 hours talking in this standoff when it occurred and the next morning before I left his house.

 

You can still talk to him later, but e-mail's a good way to compose your thoughts and speak plainly. As far as content goes, just speak from your heart. When ppl try to obfuscate, they usually want to mix up reason and emotion in w/e way suits them, so stick to whichever one you pick and don't let him get you off track.

[Methodical]

Your bf has LOTS of insecurity issues. In the past, you have coddled and offered him reassurance. Yet, he continues to nit pick situations and turns them into a 'thing'...a negative thing. It's almost as if he is looking for a reason to put you down or tell you how badly you are neglecting him. Why? I'm guessing that as much as you have expressed your viewpoint in the past, you have also humored his antics, possibly by overcompensating to prove your commitment. Heck, he even processes you needing a day for yourself as a rejection. Sadly, it seems his immature behavior is steadily increasing in frequency a pettiness, which aren't good indicator for a healthy future together.

 

You have a full plate. He knows this but continues to create more needless stress in your life. Time to seriously evaluate what he brings to the table and weigh the pros and cons.

[Miss Peach]

You can still talk to him later, but e-mail's a good way to compose your thoughts and speak plainly. As far as content goes, just speak from your heart. When ppl try to obfuscate, they usually want to mix up reason and emotion in w/e way suits them, so stick to whichever one you pick and don't let him get you off track.

 

Since I don't want to get pulled into another tit for tat circular conversation, I've been thinking of just being very short and to the point. That some of these things highlight we are not compatible enough for it to work for me as a marriage bound relationship so it's best that we both move on.

 

As for the email, I've been thinking of something really short such as 'Can we talk Tuesday evening?'. There's no point in battling his accusations IMO.

[Miss Peach]

He actually replied to my email with an apology! Though there was one sentence that made me feel uneasy. He said that he didn't realize I would stop talking to him and then brings up how we always talked about the importance of communication?

 

I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep my resolve but I'm trying. Part of me find it very difficult because I wonder if it's sincere or if he's just changing tactics because the blaming and sulking one didn't work.

[jen1447]

He actually replied to my email with an apology! Though there was one sentence that made me feel uneasy. He said that he didn't realize I would stop talking to him and then brings up how we always talked about the importance of communication?

 

I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep my resolve but I'm trying. Part of me find it very difficult because I wonder if it's sincere or if he's just changing tactics because the blaming and sulking one didn't work.

 

If you have to ask those questions, I'd be kinda dubious.

 

I hate to be the doom-monger here but apologies (fake ones) are def a strategy of ppl running games. So pls be careful - one of my most hated angles goes like this -

 

"You are so wrong!"

~ doesn't work - no guilt ~

"You hurt me so bad!"

~ works - guilt - apology ~

"I forgive you."

~ works - ownership of errors ~

"Please try never to hurt me again."

~ works - you tiptoe around making sure not to offend him even tho he's the one who screwed up in the first place ~

[hippychick3]

Unless he is genuinely sorry for his behavior and can specify what he did wrong and his plans to change that behavior, I would not just accept his apology and stay together. This is something my ex used to do. When he realized his manipulative tactics were not working, he would switch gears. This is because deep down these insecure men are very afraid of losing that person they are trying to control.

[Miss Peach]

We met last night. He apologized again and offered to change the behavior but didn't cite specifically anything about what he did wrong or what he planned to do. So I ended it.

 

It felt good getting my feelings out there because over this whole situation he never asked how I felt. I told him how uncomfortable I was staying in the relationship. I told him how I assumed he cared about me and had a long track record of showing it so I always thought he was doing his best and if something didn't mesh with that I always gave him a chance to explain and felt hurt he couldn't give me the same benefit of the doubt. I also told him he had pulled a lot of this behavior before (the sulking) and that I had previously expresses how much it hurt me. He has told me this time and another time he doesn't remember the incidents but they hurt me do much I brought it up more than once. I told him if this were the first time or maybe even the second time I would forgive him but I can't keep going on like this and don't want to be his emotional punching bag.

 

Even though I was sad losing someone who I had been close to, I felt good I was able to do it without falling apart, crying, etc. I tried as much as possible to stay calm even though it hurt.

 

It did bother me how our walk ended. It ended with him saying that he wishes the kiddo and me have a good luck and that I'll never see him again. I knew he would want complete NC given his history but it felt a bit crass to point out 'You'll never see me again".

[Methodical]

You did what felt right. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he put up a fight to keep the relationship alive, which speaks volumes. Claiming he doesn't remember past incidents also proves he is a liar or never took your pleas to heart, in one ear and out the other, so to speak. The fact that he never once asked about your feelings proves how self-centered he was. And his parting comment... gah! You deserve better!

[jen1447]

Aw. (Boob hugs.)

 

Good job tho, sounds like it's for the best. And that last thing was prob just another reflexive ploy to tug at your doubt and make you feel guilty, so never mind that. (Some ppl are such drama queens lol ....was there a windswept autumn cemetery in the background too when he said that? A distant string arrangement playing a c minor adagio on the wind? )