Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 OP did he not empathize with you? Did he say how sorry he was this happened to you? Did he use an angry tone with you? To the rest of the gallery here, it's not because he said he wished she'd told him earlier and he was upset that it means he did not offer her comfort and empathy.
BlueIris Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Please don't worry about what he thinks quite so much and instead consider what is right for you. His accusations hold NOT determine how you live.
bubbaganoosh Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 I don't think it's a lie even though she had said it. Wrong choice of words. She went through a horrible experience and maybe she might be ashamed of it and has a hard time bringing up something like that. She's not a bad person, just one that's still hurting and if he really loved her then he would understand that. She said that sex was important to him. OK fine but I'm a guy and if given a choice, I want to be in bed making love to a woman who is just as anxious as me rather then to be with a woman going through the motions hoping he just gets it over with. I feel bad for the girl and if the guy has any sense of decency, he'll understand. 1
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) no - look at comments #8 and #9 you did not answer my question it is about sex, her past, her present, why she is posting You just don't understand my answer # 9. You want to make it about sex suit yourself. This thread to me is not about sex. It's about sharing a traumatic event about sex. She can have sex anytime she wants, if she wants to wait 15 years it's her business but she should share earlier than 8 months that she is the victim of a sexual crime and will need time. Edited October 18, 2016 by Gaeta 1
h0000 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) Keeping something personal is one thing, lying about it is something else. He probably inquired why they were not intimate yet at 8 months and she lied. Like she said she had opportunities and she chose to lie. 8 months is a long time. She could have told him at 3-4 months, it would have been plenty of time. wow, that's a bit coldhearted. For a girl who suffered such a terrible trauma, all you care about is what excuse she used for not having sex with him? She can say whatever she wants, if she isn't willing to reveal this past of her! No one can tell her when she should expose her wound to another man. Saying "you should reveal it within 8 months" is ridicules. Even her psychologist wouldn't advise so. So what even if she lied about why she doesn't want to have sex? She has every right to, in this circumstances. If her man cannot accept it, he simply is not the right guy for her. She didn't do anything wrong. I think it's very selfish of him to be make this all about his feelings. OP you were hurt so bad and now he is feeling sorry for himself because you didn't feel comfortable enough to tell him this earlier? SMH...it's not about him. Let him be. If he comes back around, good. If not, well he doesn't have a big heart for you. Edited October 18, 2016 by h0000 1
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 wow, that's a bit coldhearted. For a girl who suffered such a terrible trauma, all you care about is what excuse she used for not having sex with him? She can say whatever she wants, if she isn't willing to reveal this past of her! No one can tell her when she should expose her wound to another man. Saying "you should reveal it within 8 months" is ridicules. Even her psychologist wouldn't advise so. So what even if she lied about why she doesn't want to have sex? She has every right to, in this circumstances. If her man cannot accept it, he simply is not the right guy for her. She didn't do anything wrong. I think it's very selfish of him to be make this all about his feelings. OP you were hurt so bad and now he is feeling sorry for himself because you didn't feel comfortable enough to tell him this earlier? SMH...it's not about him. Let him be. If he comes back around, good. If not, well he doesn't have a big heart for you. Stop putting words in my mouth I didn't say. I said she needs to share with a boyfriend what happened to her I did not say she needs to expose her wounds. And YES a part of it is about him, it's about intimacy, and intimacy is shared in a relationship! If a woman had lost a breast to cancer you'd advice her to not tell a man she is dating? You'd tell her it's not the man's business and to keep on dating him for a year and to not worry about how he feels about intimacy with him. Nice.. What happened to OP is un-imaginable, it's cruel and horrific, I am not trying to diminish it in anyway. If she is not ready to just TALK about it with a man she has been dating for months than maybe she is not ready to date yet.
darkmoon Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) and maybe if he cannot be more kind, then he is not ready to date. let her date somebody kinder, she is ready to date, look, she dated him, but is not ready to screw him, she is more than just body-parts, she has a mind, one you seek to make up for her, thank God I am articulate on behalf of a girl who you do not put first, look, she is the most hurt one here IMO she needs to test boyfs to see if they are kind in general, just be in need once, not forever, would he do something she needs, go the extra mile, let us test the waters Edited October 18, 2016 by darkmoon
h0000 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Stop putting words in my mouth I didn't say. I said she needs to share with a boyfriend what happened to her I did not say she needs to expose her wounds. And YES a part of it is about him, it's about intimacy, and intimacy is shared in a relationship! If a woman had lost a breast to cancer you'd advice her to not tell a man she is dating? You'd tell her it's not the man's business and to keep on dating him for a year and to not worry about how he feels about intimacy with him. Nice.. What happened to OP is un-imaginable, it's cruel and horrific, I am not trying to diminish it in anyway. If she is not ready to just TALK about it with a man she has been dating for months than maybe she is not ready to date yet. Errrr how is "telling him what happened " not "exposing e her wounds "?? Sure his feelings matter but he is making it too big of a deal now. At the moment it's about her Look, everyone else here is saying he's not behaving very nice. If you don't see the problem maybe you need to have more sympathy or something
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Errrr how is "telling him what happened " not "exposing e her wounds "?? Sure his feelings matter but he is making it too big of a deal now. At the moment it's about her Look, everyone else here is saying he's not behaving very nice. If you don't see the problem maybe you need to have more sympathy or something Before accusing him of anything lets wait for her to answer my previous question. I asked if he offered comfort, if he was empathetic toward her, etc. Yes she remembers the most him telling her he would have appreciated she confines in him earlier and he was upset. Was he upset sad or upset mad? Maybe he did offer her a lot of comfort and still wished she had told him earlier. Lets not throw rocks at him yet. 1
elaine567 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 I guess he had an image of the OP in his mind and that image is now sullied and dirtied by what she went through. We tend to set store on what other people think of our SOs, we like to think of them as being respected, as being thought of as good or kind, as being held up as role models, we like to hear of their success as it rubs off onto us. The OP was held up as worth less by the people who committed that crime, a piece of trash, someone who they did not respect, someone they could abuse as she didn't matter. Her bf may now view her as not the pretty girl he fell in love with, but as someone other people see as worthless, other men had their way with her and so what does that make her? A piece of meat, a gangland moll, no better than a prostitute. His gut may be screaming, "This is not the kind of girl, I want to be associated with, this is not what I signed up for here." BUT his other side will go, the poor girl is a victim of crime, "I should not feel this way, she needs comfort and understanding not judgement..." He is probably conflicted and scared, so he gets upset. He can't be seen to be upset with her because she was abused (or allowed herself to be abused*) so he then gets angry at the fact she never told him, he cannot trust her. The fact is, he most likely thinks he would have saved himself all this hurt if only she had told him early doors, and then I guess he would have walked away unscathed and guilt-free... I think 7 months is far too long to tell him in what is an intimate relationship, he should have been told long ago. If everyone in her home city knows, then he should have known too. I do not think the OP necessarily needs to tell everyone she meets about her past but this is a man who was going to embark on a sexual relationship with her, so it is highly unfair to lead him down the garden path and then dump all this on him, 7 months later. Can the OP even have a normal sexual relationship? If not then it is more than cruel to let him get so far attached and then say "Sorry, not going to happen." and then keep him hanging around as it would make him a very "bad" guy to leave now that he knows. I think there are two main types of guys, one type deal with the rape of a loved one in an understanding way and are super-supportive and protective, the other type cannot handle it at all. (*the victim blaming mentality)
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) Errrr how is "telling him what happened " not "exposing e her wounds "?? Sure his feelings matter but he is making it too big of a deal now. At the moment it's about her Look, everyone else here is saying he's not behaving very nice. If you don't see the problem maybe you need to have more sympathy or something I am not lacking empathy for OP. I don't care what everyone else says l can have a different opinion and offer a different perspective. This man waited no sex for 8 months in a world of instant sex!! If she were not important to him he would not have respected her wish this long. Stop making him a bad guy. He is a young man in love who was armed with patience and now is told after 8 months something that may affect his intimacy with her. Edited October 18, 2016 by Gaeta 1
fenix Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Keeping something personal is one thing, lying about it is something else. He probably inquired why they were not intimate yet at 8 months and she lied. Like she said she had opportunities and she chose to lie. 8 months is a long time. She could have told him at 3-4 months, it would have been plenty of time. I agree, OP can't withhold such important information leading on her boyfriend... is clear that the things that have happen to her in her life (while not her fault at all) may have affected the way she is seeing and interacts with male counterparts. I understand OP for not wanting to disclose all that as it is two very painful experiences but I also understand the boyfriend being frustrated about it...
Miss Peach Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Something I learned in my last relationship is if you are feeling uneasy, then he might not be the type of guy who can handle it. I didn't tell my XBF I was bi until around that point in time. He took it well but there were some things I never got around to telling him. I would give him some space to process it and see if he comes back to you. If the roles were reversed, I would understand why you didn't tell the whole story and how that might be reserved for people you are serious about and have known awhile. 1
salparadise Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 If he loved you unconditionally he would have empathized with you, and supported you. Romantic love is not unconditional. It's reciprocal and quite conditional. Men have the right to their expectations just like the ladies do. I can understand exactly how the guy must feel to have been kept in the dark for eight months, and it's only reasonable that he'd wonder what it means and whether there's more that he still doesn't know. 1
darkmoon Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) imo, his last girl dumped him, which is why he was single at 30 and went for the OP 50/50 odds, I know, but - who is he? I do think he got dumped (his secret?) from the sound of him, I would dump him too, he got trickle truth - and he is holding it over her, apparently Edited October 18, 2016 by darkmoon
salparadise Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I do think he got dumped (his secret?) from the sound of him, I would dump him too, he got trickle truth - and he is holding it over her, apparently You suspect he got dumped, eh? Maximally shameful? Trickle truthed, deceived, played, manipulated... whatever you like. Now he has doubts... yea, egregious shyte. One of these days this kind of alternative logic is just going to start making sense to me. I hope I don't drool all over myself.
Toodaloo Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 OP this all seems to be going round in circles. From what I understand you have told him. Well done you! That was a very brave thing to do. My advice to you is this. If you feel that what happened to you is bubbling up and you need some help then go and get it from a professional. Let him know that you are having some issues and its all OK and you are just going to make sure that they stay packed away when or if this happens. As for the rest. the physical scars etc. Love what you have. If you really do hate it that much and you feel you need to get it changed before you can feel comfortable being intimate etc (completely understandable) then look into cosmetic surgery. Heck if they can cover up tattoos and burns, reshape noses etc then I am sure they can do something to help with your scars. Its your life and your body. You live they way you want to. And have a hug because I am actually rather proud of you for being so brave and courageous. We could do with more like you in this world.
Raena Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I have been with my BF for 8 months, he's 31 & I'm 25. I have some personal traumas in my past (read my other thread if curious) that until recently I kept private from him. I didn't tell him sooner because I didn't want to scare him away, didn't want to open up to someone that much and didn't know how to tell him. I had never really had to tell anyone, as the city I grew up in - everyone knew. 3-4 weeks ago I told him and he while he understood, he was upset that by that point in the relationship I hadn't felt comfortable enough to tell him. He does understand why it would be hard to tell him, but he thinks that I should have felt comfortable enough with him to tell him earlier, and that it was immature to hide it from him. There were opportunities to tell him earlier and I chose not to. We also have not had sex yet, and I lied on the reasoning why (my personal trauma) and said I just wasn't ready. Sex is important to him and he thinks I should have been more upfront. He doesn't trust that there isn't more that I'm hiding. He was suppose to fly back to my home country recently but decided not to because he felt uncomfortable going and didn't want to ruin my time back. Now I'm having a hard time getting our relationship back to were it was. How do I show him that I do trust him, I am comfortable with him and that I'm not "hiding" anything else? I feel like sex is the next step in our relationship, but I don't want him to think I'm only doing it to prove something to him. To be honest, it doesn't seem to me like you lied about why you didn't want to have sex. You weren't ready to have sex with him because you weren't ready to tell him why yet. It's hard on others who haven't been traumatized to understand this reluctance to tell sooner. As soon as you tell, it changes everything. I understand completely why you didn't want to or were not ready to tell him yet. I think he is the one behaving immaturely for canceling his plans to travel with you because you weren't ready to share this with him. He should have been more understanding about why you don't like to talk about it instead of taking it personally. I'm going to assume it wasn't about him per se as much as it is about not wanting to relive it over and over again each time you tell someone about it. I could be wrong, but that's how I perceive it. You'd think that once you do open up and tell that he'd feel honored that you trust him enough to know that much about you. Is 8 months too long to wait? I don't know... were you together every minute of every day for that time or was it more of a once or twice a week dates for that amount of time. Ultimately, you tell when you feel comfortable telling and not a minute sooner. 3
getsmartie Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 Hi OP, Sorry to hear about this awful trauma! I agree with Raena in that it is hard for people who have not experienced trauma to get it. I too am a victim of childhood sexual trauma and it took me many months to share this painful past with my bf. To share this means to re live it and it's very emotional so it's not something you can just blurt out. You have to be able to trust and feel ready to expose yourself. I don't particularly like your bf's response. He really did make it about himself. My bf listened intently, squeezed my hand while I shared and hugged me for a long time. He wasn't upset that I didn't bring it up sooner either. I think you just need to let him process and see what happens. To me, the way he handled it is a red flag but time will tell. Hugs! 1
Popsicle Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 Well he might not want to sign up for that, that is his right to feel that way. It sounds a bit unsympathetic and insensitive but he has a right to choose his life.
darkmoon Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 (edited) You suspect he got dumped, eh? Maximally shameful? Trickle truthed, deceived, played, manipulated... whatever you like. Now he has doubts... yea, egregious shyte. One of these days this kind of alternative logic is just going to start making sense to me. I hope I don't drool all over myself. you only quoted part of my comment #40 I said 50/50 chance that he got dumped and aksed - who is he? Edited October 19, 2016 by darkmoon
mortensorchid Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 Well, you have some serious things in the past. Because of them, approach something as serious like this: 1) Father -. He doesn't need to know about the father. Just tell him he is no longer part of your life and you prefer it that way. If he presses further, say he's gotten into trouble with the law and he has been in and out of jail quite a bit, which is why you no longer wish to have contact. 2) The rape -. A hard one, to be sure. Tell him you are nervous about sex because you were raped years ago. You have scars on your body, but you are working on getting comfortable once again. He should understand. If not, he should consider another situation.
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