ceetat Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 I know that there are generally two opinions on dit. Some think a long-term partner should know everything, others think there is no need to disclose it all. I agree with both, depending on the situation. Mine isn't something that can be forever hidden, so it has to come out at some point. There is a lot of it. I have been studying in Amsterdam for 4 years. I have been seeing a man for 7 months, I've known him longer than that. He's 31, I'm 25. When I was a baby my dad murdered my mom. He was charged and sentenced to "life". He spent about 12 years and was released. There is a restraining order so he cannot come near me, contact me or live in the same city as me. I get notified on his whereabouts as they change and if he's traveling. He's also gay apparently, and married to and living with a man. I was raised by my aunt and all my BF knows regarding the issue is that my mom passed away and my dad was never in my life. Which is true, to an extent. I don't want it to scare him off. The second issue is something that happened 10 years ago. I was dating a boy who (unknowingly to me) was trying to get into a gang. He raped me and then let a gang rape me as part of his initiation process. I have worked extremely hard to overcome that trauma. As much as I have recovered the physcal scars are still there. I have 3, that I have hid from him and most people in my life. One on my breast, one in my pubic/genital area and one on my back. The two first ones are stab marks, the genital one is much more obvious as it healed poorly. The one on my back is a branding mark signifigant to that gang. I wear shirts that cover my back or cover it up with a bandage. I have put off having sex with him, in part, because of the scarring. Being fully naked they would all be exposed. The breast scar, that one is hard to see. But the genital scar is VERY obvious because it healed poorly. It's discolored, bumpy and rough. I fear that it will be a huge turn off for him. The scar on my back is also very obvious and obvious that it's a branding mark. Did I wait too long to tell him? How do I go about telling him without totally surprising him? He is going to be flying home with me in October and I don't want him to be in the dark, so to speak.
gorf Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 (edited) I think 7 months is the perfect time to tell him. Like you said, it wont be hidden for long. He might be confused at first why you didnt tell him, but once he thinks about it, he will know why. It was a lot for you and for anyone. Once that is said, I think the scars wont be as big a deal to him as you think. They will have meaning other than "I bumped into the edge of the stove" ya know. They were a trematic part of your life you are overcoming. If he is understanding at all, he should be fine with you telling him. Again, I think 7 months is a perfect time. Without surprising him? Well 'surprising' someone is a relative term. I would cuddle on the couch or something with some music and a drink, and start talking about stuff. Ask him how he is emotionally, everything ok, ask him how he feels about you and him. Just affirm what you already know. Then tell him you went through trama in your past, it was very hard on you and also very hard to talk about. You needed years to recover, and to understand what happened and how it changed you and also did not change you, before you came out and told anyone. Now you are at a point in your life and healing that you feel comfortable talking about it. Then move into telling him whatever details you feel comfortable telling him. Its life, it happened, like I said if he is understanding then it should be ok Edited September 18, 2016 by gorf
Author ceetat Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 The way some of our convo's have gone in the past I have had some very good opportunities to tell him. I feel bad about that. I don't want him to think that I was hiding things from him. It's difficult because he is going to be the first person who I've told, really. The town that I grew up in, everyone knew my story. I never had to explain myself to anyone. When I moved across the world it was never needed to come up, until now. The scars are significant to me but I try to remember they might not have the same meaning to him. Even if they don't bother him in that way, I feel that they might bother him sexually if he finds them unattractive
Author ceetat Posted October 18, 2016 Author Posted October 18, 2016 I have been with my BF for 8 months, he's 31 & I'm 25. I have some personal traumas in my past (read my other thread if curious) that until recently I kept private from him. I didn't tell him sooner because I didn't want to scare him away, didn't want to open up to someone that much and didn't know how to tell him. I had never really had to tell anyone, as the city I grew up in - everyone knew. 3-4 weeks ago I told him and he while he understood, he was upset that by that point in the relationship I hadn't felt comfortable enough to tell him. He does understand why it would be hard to tell him, but he thinks that I should have felt comfortable enough with him to tell him earlier, and that it was immature to hide it from him. There were opportunities to tell him earlier and I chose not to. We also have not had sex yet, and I lied on the reasoning why (my personal trauma) and said I just wasn't ready. Sex is important to him and he thinks I should have been more upfront. He doesn't trust that there isn't more that I'm hiding. He was suppose to fly back to my home country recently but decided not to because he felt uncomfortable going and didn't want to ruin my time back. Now I'm having a hard time getting our relationship back to were it was. How do I show him that I do trust him, I am comfortable with him and that I'm not "hiding" anything else? I feel like sex is the next step in our relationship, but I don't want him to think I'm only doing it to prove something to him.
Buddhist Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 I read your other thread. If this bothers him in any way, including your comfort level with telling him, then he is not the man for you. No-one can dictate to you when that comfort level arises and he can't hold it against you that your comfort level came up when it did. Let it go. Give him time and if he comes back to you after thinking this over then great. Otherwise he's just another guy impressing his wants upon you and blaming you for not complying. 2
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 If he loved you unconditionally he would have empathized with you, and supported you. His big fat ego got butt hurt instead and scolded you like a child. All I can say is how dare he treat you like that. How to get things back on track?? That will be up to him.....give him his space to sulk, and never play into him disapproving your choice to wait...screw him. Stand your ground, you did nothing wrong....he's just being a dbag. 10
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Now I'm having a hard time getting our relationship back to were it was. How do I show him that I do trust him, I am comfortable with him and that I'm not "hiding" anything else? I feel like sex is the next step in our relationship, but I don't want him to think I'm only doing it to prove something to him. You got it backward. It's not about you trusting him....it's him about trusting you. You hide from him something that directly affected his life and his relationship with you. He lost trust in you. What you can do? Nothing. Let him process the information and leave him be in his cave. Ask him if he wants to terminate the relationship, if he wants tell him you won't make a fuss and accept the break up. 1
darkmoon Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 "should" ? this is worrying, for there is no instruction manual for when you "should" tell somebody something, and so he has devised a rule out of the blue you wanted to make a good impression on him at first, which is understandable, but not to him apparently, you got told off and put in the wrong does anybody else see narcissism in him? what is his game?
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 "should" ? this is worrying, for there is no instruction manual for when you "should" tell somebody something, you wanted to make a good impression on him at first, which is understandable, but not to him apparently, you got told off and put in the wrong does anybody else see narcissism in him? what is his game? She is the victim of a violent act that will affect their intimacy. She had put off having sex with him for 8 months. He could accuse her of emotional manipulation. She waited for him to be emotionally attached before telling him sex may be a problem with her.
Buddhist Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 She is the victim of a violent act that will affect their intimacy. She had put off having sex with him for 8 months. He could accuse her of emotional manipulation. She waited for him to be emotionally attached before telling him sex may be a problem with her. But he did choose to stick around for those entire 8 months. Like it or not this experience is part of her now, if she needs that amount of time to be comfortable telling someone about a painful and I might add more horrific past than most people ever have to experience in life, then so be it. He of course gets to choose how he feels about it. That's why she needs to just let go of him and let him sort his own feelings out about it, one way, or the other. I don't think there is any clear-cut wrong and right here. Just two people having a reaction to each other that is going to play out one way, or the other. 4
darkmoon Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 She is the victim of a violent act that will affect their intimacy. She had put off having sex with him for 8 months. He could accuse her of emotional manipulation. She waited for him to be emotionally attached before telling him sex may be a problem with her. ah! so she should have sex at 8 months in? would 2 months be better? please, tell me...
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 ah! so she should have sex at 8 months in? would 2 months be better? please, tell me... Pleassse.... No, she should have told him much earlier in the relationship she is the victim of a violent sexual act and will need time to get to intimacy with him. THEN he is aware there is an issue with intimacy, it's his choice to wait it out or to go to next girl. 2
preraph Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Point out to him that you were afraid of his reaction and that you were right, because now that you did tell him, he's acting like a butt. 6
gorf Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 have some personal traumas in my past (read my other thread if curious) that until recently I kept private from him. I didn't tell him sooner because I didn't want to scare him away, ok well he hasnt broken up. He has to process. What exactly was the trauma in your past and how did it affect you personally? Could you give some more detail so we could give better advice?
darkmoon Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Pleassse.... No, she should have told him much earlier in the relationship she is the victim of a violent sexual act and will need time to get to intimacy with him. THEN he is aware there is an issue with intimacy, it's his choice to wait it out or to go to next girl. no, she dodged a bullet, an issue with intimacy you say, ah, so she won't screw in a hurry, high crime apparently, no, this guy is a crap long term prospect, his response could have been more sensitve, i see a red flag
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 no, she dodged a bullet, an issue with intimacy you say, ah, so she won't screw in a hurry, high crime apparently, no, this guy is a crap long term prospect, his response could have been more sensitve, i see a red flag She admitted she lied to him. So now we support lying? Now there are circumstances where it's ok to lie to a BF?
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 ok well he hasnt broken up. He has to process. What exactly was the trauma in your past and how did it affect you personally? Could you give some more detail so we could give better advice? Read her last thread, I am sure it's not something she enjoys repeating.
Buddhist Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) his response could have been more sensitve, i see a red flag On this I do agree. She shares a story with him that frankly no-one in their right mind wants to remember, and he makes it all about himself. It does show a lack of compassion. It's true that it's hard to have empathy when you have not been in a similar situation but basic common sense tells you that acting all outraged and accusing her of hiding something is not a great reaction. She's not hiding anything, she's waiting until she is comfortable. I don't think she has to disclose this kind of personal information to just anyone she might happen to date. It's frankly no-ones business. The fact she bears permanent scars she will have to explain for the rest of her life is bad enough. Edited October 18, 2016 by Buddhist 5
darkmoon Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) She admitted she lied to him. So now we support lying? Now there are circumstances where it's ok to lie to a BF? she just did not tell him, "kept it private" is all she did, she says so in the OP, and just when she feels ready to tell him, he shows a new side of himself, and so we now have a young girl suffienctly distressed to need Loveshack for the second time that's Love, yeah? Edited October 18, 2016 by darkmoon
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 We also have not had sex yet, and I lied on the reasoning why (my personal trauma) and said I just wasn't ready. Sex is important to him and he thinks I should have been more upfront. He doesn't trust that there isn't more that I'm hiding. He was suppose to fly back to my home country recently but decided not to because he felt uncomfortable going and didn't want to ruin my time back. Keeping something personal is one thing, lying about it is something else. He probably inquired why they were not intimate yet at 8 months and she lied. Like she said she had opportunities and she chose to lie. 8 months is a long time. She could have told him at 3-4 months, it would have been plenty of time. 1
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 she just did not tell him, "kept it private" is all she did, she says so in the OP, and just when she feels ready to tell him, he shows a new side of himself, and so we now have a young girl suffienctly distressed to need Loveshack for the second time that's Love, yeah? Her words: There were opportunities to tell him earlier and I chose not to. We also have not had sex yet, and I lied on the reasoning why
darkmoon Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) Her words: There were opportunities to tell him earlier and I chose not to. We also have not had sex yet, and I lied on the reasoning why you are pulling a traumatised girl over the coals, meh, and I meant it, but you ignored my question, if 8 months is too long, then 2 months is ok? 3-4 will do, good, that's alright then xx Edited October 18, 2016 by darkmoon
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 you are pulling a traumatised girl over the coals, meh, and I meant it, but you ignored my question, if 8 months is too long, then 2 months is ok? 3-4 will do, good, that's alright then xx Listen, for the second time, this is not about having sex. I DID answer your question.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 We also have not had sex yet, and I lied on the reasoning why (my personal trauma) and said I just wasn't ready. It isn't a lie that you weren't ready. You weren't ready. You chose not to tell him exactly why you weren't ready, and that's your choice. Point out to him that you were afraid of his reaction and that you were right, because now that you did tell him, he's acting like a butt. Agree. I read your other thread, and what you have described is major, out-of-the-ordinary, brutal trauma. I have a background of childhood emotional and verbal abuse and some degree of neglect, and very rare is the man who understands and doesn't judge me for what I went through as a kid or criticize me about how I've dealt with it as an adult. Sadly, most men will probably not be able to relate to, understand, or truly empathize with what you've been through. It's a lot for the typical guy or even an exceptional guy to handle. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from any negative backlash from your boyfriend. If he's the right man for you, this won't scare him away. If it does, you'll be better off without any judgment or negativity from him. 2
darkmoon Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Listen, for the second time, this is not about having sex. I DID answer your question. no - look at comments #8 and #9 you did not answer my question it is about sex, her past, her present, why she is posting
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