loney_girl Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 I had been living in a different part of the country from where I am from. I met my boyfriend and we were together for 7 months when I had to move back to my hometown for personal reasons. We decided to continue on as a long distance couple. 3 months later I am having doubts about my relationship. Any time Ive brought up visiting or arranging to move back to my boyfriend, at first he seems dissuasive. Later on he'll express excitement but its that first reaction he has that really gets me. Anyway, last night I texted him good night, I love you etc and he did not respond so I assumed he had fallen asleep because he had been complaining of a headache and feeling unwell earlier in the night. I wake up to a text he sent me at 4:30am which says: crazy night. But you are my girl.xoxoxoxo I knew he was with some of the boys last night so now I guess they went out to a club and instead of taking 2 seconds to say good night to me last night, he was with a bunch of girls.... and his But you are my girl says to me yeah I was up to no good with other girls last night but its ok because you are the one I committed to. Am I overreacting?? I'm just so hurt he couldn't be bothered to respond to me last night 1
Satu Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 Its impossible to have a real relationship via text. You'd both be better off in a relationship with someone who is actually physically present. Sooner or later one of you will realise that, and your LDR will come to an end. Sorry to be so blunt. Take care. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 Most LDRs just aren't sustainable unless there's an end-goal. Unless one of you has plans to move to where the other lives, it's just pointless dedicating yourself to someone you're not going to be with. Sounds as though he's living his life the way he was meant to. Texts and Skype just don't mean a whole lot in the big picture. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 OP, can you elaborate more on what he says when you bring up the subject of visiting or moving back? Also, how old are you both? 1
Author loney_girl Posted September 17, 2016 Author Posted September 17, 2016 If I bring up visiting, he will start to complain about how expensive it is to fly to where he lives. About $500-$800 return trip depending on the day. I don't mind spending the money because I love him and I have visited him already since moving. He knows I don't care about the money either so I hate that he brings it up. When I talk about trying to arrange to move back to his town, he is just sort of blah about it... Very unemotional, very non-committal. Even though he has a very busy schedule (important job, 2 kids, busy lifestyle) we always made time for each other before I left but now he'll make comments like "you know how busy my life is, I can't give you everything you want right now" I feel likes he always sending me mixed messages because he'll make me feel like hes not into the relationship but then he'll tell me he can tell he loves me more than I love him or he'll make comments about other guys wanting me and he knows I'm going to find someone better than him and leave him which makes him upset. I'm 32 and he is 36.
Author loney_girl Posted September 17, 2016 Author Posted September 17, 2016 It seems to be the consensus that I should end my relationship with him. I don't know how to pull the trigger. I am madly in love with him and could see spending the rest of my life with his man. How do you get the courage to break up with someone you are in love with?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 It seems to be the consensus that I should end my relationship with him. I don't know how to pull the trigger. I am madly in love with him and could see spending the rest of my life with his man. How do you get the courage to break up with someone you are in love with? By keeping mind that his actions and words are indicating he's not in love with you. I know that's pretty blunt, but it seems he's already quite checked out. Most people would be thrilled if their partners were willing to fly to them and absorb the costs. The fact that he's trying to tell you not to come says everything, in my opinion. Combine that with the statement that he can't give you what you want right now - well, that's very clear, isn't it? I'm sorry OP, but I think this isn't going to end well for you. He says he loves you, but doesn't want you to visit? That makes no sense. I hate to say it, but I wonder if he's already got his eye on someone else or has even begun seeing someone. He's keeping you away for a reason. 1
Author loney_girl Posted September 20, 2016 Author Posted September 20, 2016 We spoke on the phone yesterday and got into an argument. I told him we should break up. This relationship isn't working anymore. We got upset and started arguing with me. I said to him that we had a lot of great times together and I will always love him but its time to let go. He said "its just that easy for you????" I told him it wasn't and we talked for a little bit and he got me to agree to just be on a break so we could "assess our feelings"......... whatever that means. I said goodbye to him and he hung up on me without saying goodbye. Then he started sending me angry text messages from his work phone saying I blocked his personal number which I had not. He then kept sending me angry messages and told me to take some time and think about what I was doing and then contact him. I am so confused!!!! why didn't he just take the easy out????????
emi Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 Because he got dumped. And got huge ego . I wouldnt care doing a LDR without talking visitting in the begining. My bf normally need to pay around 1000€ to fly to me or more. And pay for all his stuffs. He didnt whine. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 Because he got dumped. And got huge ego . This is it! HE got dumped and doesn't like that. You want out and you are asking why HE didn't take the easy out??? He is now manipulating YOU. Emotionally. HE is trying to get the upper hand on this... His angry responses reveal a very ego-driven individual. OP, what he's saying is: "How dare you dump ME?! You better think about what you're doing!" He even told YOU to contact HIM when YOU are ready (paraphrasing...)! Ha! Arrogance!
Author loney_girl Posted September 21, 2016 Author Posted September 21, 2016 I totally get it. I just find that behaviour so weird. If I had no interest in being with someone and they dumped me I would think thank god I don't have to deal with this anymore!! c-ya!! lol
justwhoiam Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 I guess he might be in love with you, because he freaked out about losing you. If he didn't care, he'd just move on. I think that before talking about breaking up, you should have asked him why he didn't sound excited about you coming back. I guess you would have listened to a very different perspective. Regarding his text that night, probably any woman would have thought the same as you, but he's a man, so be ready to hear a totally different story.
bluefeather Posted September 29, 2016 Posted September 29, 2016 loney_girl I'm sorry that you had to experience this, but I am also very glad that you went through with it, because that did not sound like you were loved as you should be. The guy didn't even want to see you you deserve better <3 Go find someone who will love you for real and in person!
Author loney_girl Posted October 8, 2016 Author Posted October 8, 2016 Its been 2 weeks since the breakup. He texted me yesterday morning at 5am saying he missed me. I was awake and we had a short conversation. Later in the morning he starts texting me again but I kept it brief and stopped responding to him. Then later in the afternoon he texts me to ask me if I have slept with anyone since we broke up. I asked him why he wanted to know and he just said he was sorry because he knew it was none of his business but he just needed to know. Later in the day he texts me saying he hopes I will have a good weekend. I just thanked him and did not initiate conversation. I am mostly confused by him wanting to know if I have slept with anyone. Insights?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 Its been 2 weeks since the breakup. He texted me yesterday morning at 5am saying he missed me. I was awake and we had a short conversation. Later in the morning he starts texting me again but I kept it brief and stopped responding to him. Then later in the afternoon he texts me to ask me if I have slept with anyone since we broke up. I asked him why he wanted to know and he just said he was sorry because he knew it was none of his business but he just needed to know. Later in the day he texts me saying he hopes I will have a good weekend. I just thanked him and did not initiate conversation. I am mostly confused by him wanting to know if I have slept with anyone. Insights? I'd be pissed if I was asked that. Did you break it off or him? He is immature, showing his controlling behavior, or he has slept with someone since or before your break-up and wants ammunition to hurl at you! Who knows...after two weeks and he thinks you may have slept with someone else? What?! 1
Author loney_girl Posted October 8, 2016 Author Posted October 8, 2016 He is the one who broke it off because his life is a mess and he said he needs to get his **** together. He also texted me shortly after we broke up saying he knows I feel we are done but he doesn't feel that way because he loves me and he hopes once he straightens his life out I will be in it....... we went NC after that.
Author loney_girl Posted October 8, 2016 Author Posted October 8, 2016 Also want to add that he is not a controlling guy in any way
JewelD Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 Decide how much you're worth to yourself. Are you going to sit around and wait for him to 'straighten his life out'? Will you be okay if he does straighten it out and gets with someone else instead? He's just making sure he still has power over you, which he does if you respond to a text at 5am from someone who dumped you. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 I really hope you didn't indulge him and answer his questions about whether you've had sex with anyone else. That's absolutely none of his business and an over-stepping of boundaries. I would be very angry if someone who dumped me had the nerve to ask me that. Guys with big egos ask those types of questions. And guys who themselves have slept with other women sometimes project and ask those questions, too.
Formerfiveo Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 He is the one who broke it off because his life is a mess and he said he needs to get his **** together. He also texted me shortly after we broke up saying he knows I feel we are done but he doesn't feel that way because he loves me and he hopes once he straightens his life out I will be in it....... we went NC after that. What a manipulative a**hole. He dumps you, but wants you to wait for him while he "gets his life together"? Total BS. He's trying to assuage his guilt for being a selfish pr*ck and breaking up with you for such a lame reason. If you were truly NC, he wouldn't have been able to contact you. Block him everywhere! If he really and truly wants to be with you, he will be at your door. Otherwise, he needs time to grow up, and you need time and space to heal. Don't let him be a cake eater. And yes, manipulation is a form of control, and that's exactly what he's doing with your feelings.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 Also want to add that he is not a controlling guy in any way He is definitely manipulative....trying to control and influence your emotions by giving you this BS.
fromheart Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 He is the one who broke it off because his life is a mess and he said he needs to get his **** together. He also texted me shortly after we broke up saying he knows I feel we are done but he doesn't feel that way because he loves me and he hopes once he straightens his life out I will be in it....... we went NC after that. He still hasn't got his **** together, keep moving on till he does.
basil67 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 After a question like that, I'd probably just say "yes" whether it was true or not. 1
Author loney_girl Posted October 8, 2016 Author Posted October 8, 2016 Thanks for the responses guys. I did tell him no just because it was the truth. I didn't feel like lying. I was just a little surprised/shocked he would want to know that. Also surprised he kept texting me all day.
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