Ashleyshay Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 I need advice. I have known this guy for 2 years. At first it was a good situation. But I fell hard for him. After about a year we decided to end things because he didn't want anything serious. I was heartbroken. But over the past year have tried to move on. My problem is he doesn't stop contact. He is always the one to start a conversation. At first it was about hanging out. Going on hikes and out to dinner (we would pay for our own dinner). Just being friends. He would not have sex with me just other stuff. No sex. Except maybe 3 times in 6 months. He had told me numerous times to move on and he has no interest in getting back with me. About 3 months ago our situation changed. He claimed he missed me. I fell for it. We started having sex again, but I soon found out he was seeing other girls. When I confronted him he didn't deny it. I mean, we aren't dating so I can't get mad. But I was hurt. He knows how I feel about him. I adore this guy. And I hold on to anything he does. Lately he has only been contacting me when he is drunk and wants sex and then I won't hear from him again until the next time. He tells me he cares about me and respects me. My friends hate him and can't believe I still talk to him. I feel dumb, yet sometimes I really believe him. I'm Not a stupid person. I never put up with BS before. Some days I think he is using me, then other days I feel like he could be with other people so why would he always come back to me if he didn't want me? I have tried to end it. And he always says he understands, yet a week later he will contact me asking about my life and telling me he misses me or some other sweet thing. Why would he do that to someone who cares about him? Am I just being naive?
Asterix Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 He simply knows that you have still have deep feelings for him and he is using you. He doesn't want anything serious but knows to find you when his hormones are ready to party. And you let him in. You justify for him it is right to meet when he desires. I guess deep inside you know that the two of you will never be together. It takes two to tango en your John Travolta is dancing on many dance floors. You are one of his back up plans and when he meets the right one (if he will ever do) he will drop you like a brick. Your friends are right. You should stop talking to him. Close the door permanently, block him because he will come after you and go full stop no contact. Move on.
sooshi Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 Ashley, It's time to pick up your self-respect and block this guy everywhere. He knows you're into him and he's taking advantage of that. Don't let him continue anymore. The title of this thread says it all: toxic relationship. Stay single for a while and work on your self-esteem and self-worth. Set higher standards for yourself when it comes to relationships. Make a list of what you want in a partner/relationship. Don't settle for less than what you truly want. Take care.
smudge21 Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 He's become your addiction and like any addict, you need to deal with it before it consumes your life and leads to affecting all your other relationships. Sadly when we love someone, we refuse to accept how bad they are, how toxic everything is. We slap them on a pedestal, convince ourselves we've met "the one" and then when everything falls apart, it's so hard to destroy what we've built up. He's a dick, end of. He's using you and doesn't care. You know this, but are so scared to let this one go, no matter how bad things are. I bet in some way you also feel that if you stay the course, everything will work out and he will become the person you want him to be. It won't happen. When we chase those that don't want to be caught, those that push us away or hurt us, then we lose any respect they had for us. They see and treat us like an option, whilst we see them as a priority. Only you can end this though. You have the power to make your life better and find someone who loves, respects and treats you as you do them. You have to close the door on this one first though, and that's the hard part. 2
Author Ashleyshay Posted September 17, 2016 Author Posted September 17, 2016 Thank you everyone. I know what I have to do. it just hurts. And I feel like a fool.
sooshi Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 Take it as a (difficult) lesson learned. Take some space and time to heal, and to work on loving yourself and developing your self-respect and self-worth. It will be worthwhile. Take care.
smudge21 Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 Thank you everyone. I know what I have to do. it just hurts. And I feel like a fool. You're no more a fool then anyone else here who has been through the same. Love is blind and no one who's been there would ever judge you or the things you've done. I can look back at so much stupid stuff I did for my addiction. I felt weak and like a fool too but once I'd healed it was clear that I was simply in love with someone who didn't feel the same. Its a hard reality to accept.
Author Ashleyshay Posted September 17, 2016 Author Posted September 17, 2016 Thank you. Your response made me cry because it is completely true. I love a man who doesn't love me. Maybe he never has. I will never know. He contacted me today (sent me a selfie...huh, why?) and I didn't reply. This is a huge step for me because I never have ignored him. baby steps.
sooshi Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 My problem is he doesn't stop contact. Block him, sweetie. It will be a big step for you, and it'll prevent you from seeing any more of his selfies or whatever else he decides to show himself off to you. He just wants you for sex. Don't allow him to devalue you like that any further. Also, be careful not to confuse love with attachment, or love with codependency. Right now, you have him on a pedestal. Work on your self-esteem and self-worth, and soon you'll realize how much of a clown this guy is and how you deserve WAY better.
smudge21 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 Thank you. Your response made me cry because it is completely true. I love a man who doesn't love me. Maybe he never has. I will never know. He contacted me today (sent me a selfie...huh, why?) and I didn't reply. This is a huge step for me because I never have ignored him. baby steps. Breadcrumbs, that's all that selfie was. Just trying to see if he still had you wrapped around his little finger. Good on you for not responding, that's a brave first step in taking back control. I wouldn't get selfies but instead things about her life, random nonsense. People can be heartless at times and it's worse when those people are the ones we fell in love with, as we expect better from them. Sadly what we make them out to be in our hearts and minds, is not often who they really truly are. Chin up, it does get better, but just takes time...
sunandbutterflies Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 I know that this is very difficult. It's hard when someone that you care so much for does not love you. Unfortunately, that bond is even stronger because of the way that God wired our bodies to be able to respond and connect to our husbands. I am sorry that this hurts so much. Good for you for not responding to his messages. Your worth is far more than you can imagine and much more valuable in the eyes of God than the way this fellow is treating you. I can imagine that is one of the reasons that your friends have been so upset with him. I wish you the best and hope that you find someone who will treat you like a treasure.
Miss Peach Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 These guys typically think that they told you the truth so if you keep engaging you are agreeing to their deal. If you two don't want the same thing you need to cut him off and to keep the door shut.
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