He came on too strong and then….

[henrietta777]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum in terms of posting, but have been reading over time lots of helpful advice - here I am now writing about my own woes!

 

I'm currently in a sort of 'limbo' situation with the man I've been in a relationship with for just under 4 months… The crux of the issue is that over the past couple of weeks, when we both went back to school (both secondary school teachers), he started to want to spend time with his friends/not see me, stating that he was 'stressed' and 'couldn't cope with going back to work' etc. He professed it wasn't about me. However, he also mentioned that he'd started to find my 'emotional outbursts' difficult because he didn't recognise me when I was behaving in those ways.

These ways namely being insecure and becoming jealous and accusational. I'm not at all proud to say that that has been true and generally I would say that he didn't encourage women in situations to make me jealous. I would also say that he didn't necessarily think about the fact I struggled with insecurities, having been cheated on multiple times in the past.

 

I've found his sudden change of heart very difficult to handle. He also hasn't really wanted to take the time to talk me through how we got to where we are, and has been quite callous in not being prepared to be the bigger person and be clear.

 

The other issue is that in the beginning, he came on SUPER strong. To the point where I thought I was going to friend zone him because he was putting me off, quite simply by constantly wanting to spend time with me, almost to the point where I felt I couldn't say no and raised this with him at the time. We spent three weeks of the summer camping together which was intense and difficult at times due to the stress of the moving around constantly and I had my doubts about how much bickering we were doing, but he reassured me - spent a week with my family. Said I was the first person he could see himself marrying and having children with. We'd discussed moving abroad and he said even if I went early, he would want to stay in a long distance relationship.

 

Now he's said he needs 'time' to think. I feel like he's biding his time, or there's someone else (as in these situations in the past there inevitably has been). I'd appreciate anyone's initial thoughts on this. Please be honest as well, I'd rather that, particularly when already in limbo!

[Nowty V]

You don't need this person.

 

Your happiness & contentment rest solely in your hands, and always will.

 

If he has mucked you about then he is a pest, maybe disrespectful, but nothing more. he doesn't warrant anything more.

 

You say he came on super strong to begin with, and it kind of freaked you out. So it should, this is a huge red flag.

 

Now he has backed off and is gaslighting.

 

If you had trusted your gut instinct you may have avoided this.

 

He sounds like a worm who has issues.

 

Cut him off, block and delete him, and be more careful in the future.

 

Take care of you, believe in you.

[sooshi]

Henrietta,

 

Be with someone who wants to be with you.

 

Be with someone who doesn't need to time to decide whether or not they want to be with you.

 

Block him everywhere and move on. Four months is not a long time, and things are already aren't progressing forward. You already had a lot of bickering early on, and someone coming off SUPER strong and already talking about marriage so early on? Red flags.

 

Work on your self-esteem and self-worth. Get into journaling. Therapy might be helpful for you, especially since you've been cheated on multiple times before.

 

Slow down in your future relationships.

 

Get out of this limbo phase and start working on loving yourself. When you feel better about yourself, you'll treat yourself better--and therefore, you'll attract a partner who will do the same (both for you and himself).

 

Take care.

Edited September 17, 2016 by sooshi

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

I agree completely with Nowty V and sooshi; this relationship isn't going to work out for you.

 

Let it go.

 

You will have better opportunities.

 

 

Take care.

[henrietta777]

Oh really?! I didn't think that was going to have to be the case :-(

 

I guess I know my part in it all and am aware of how jealous I was getting and how little self control I was exhibiting, which I think drove him away. It was because I was going through a really tough time - I'd had a huge falling out with my parents and I was deciding whether or not I was going to stay or leave my job, which was causing me a huge amount of stress. Add to that the fact I've moved cities which has meant being away from what I know and away from many friends.

I've tried explaining this to him, to help him to understand why I was behaving the way I was but he said he just 'snapped' and couldn't take anymore.

 

To me, it seems like if there WAS so much good in the relationship before, that now things in my life are a little more settled (I've made up with my parents and have made the firm decision to stay in my job), that things between he and I would naturally gradually improve. If he isn't willing to see past what happened, I suppose his depth of feeling can't have been there in the first place, which is beyond my understanding, because he made me feel (and kept saying) how much he cared about me and how happy he was to have met me.

[loveandleap]

Give yourself and him some space. Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and/or how to get there.