bb1821 Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 I got out of a serious relationship with a woman 4 months ago. We were together for 7 months. I was completely in love with her. We were talking about building a life together. When she broke up with me, I was devastated. I am in therapy and trying to heal, but tonight I received some news from my best friend. He told me they went out together last night and that they have feelings for each other. When she left me, this guy saw me cry over her for weeks and weeks. I have shared all the most intimate details with him about our relationship and vent to him about it constantly. He knows how much she hurt me and the effect the breakup has had on me. He knows how I feel about her and that I am working hard to move on. Yet, he still chose to see her. I usually wouldn't care about a friend dating an ex. But, this breakup being somewhat recent and that effect he has seen it has had on me, I feel completely betrayed. I was shocked they were seeing each other but we had a decent conversation about it (he and I) and he was completely honest about everything. I respect that, but I still feel completely betrayed. If she hadn't done the damage she had done to me, I know I would be more okay with it. I want to be okay with it because they are both adults and entitled to make their own decisions but I'm still in shock simply because of the fact that her and I were very serious and because of the fact he knows this. She was never attracted to him before and now all of a sudden she is. I think she is trying to get between he and I because she is kind a nut job. My therapist thinks shes NPD. I feel like he's used what I've told him about her to his advantage and started courting her months ago. Now, he has had some success. He told me tonight he wasn't sure how he felt. We are meeting to discuss it in the morning. Here's the thing, I don't want to keep two people a part who have feelings for each other but I'm not going to give him any ultimatums. I'm not comfortable with it and I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I want to proceed with dignity and respect while keeping my own needs in mind. I wish it was as simple as "let them date" but, again, this woman did a number on me and he knows this. To top it off, he acts like it's just about sleeping with her and hanging out with her...nothing else. She's really sexy and seductive and she is working her magic on him. I can see the confusion in his face. That alone infuriates me even more. How does he not see how toxic this woman is? I want to be friends with him and work it out, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Any advice would help :-)
Nowty V Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 Good news that you are in therapy, I hope it is of benefit for you. However you are are feeling, it has absolutely nothing to do with this woman or anything she did. Women don't do your head in, you do your own head in. You could not have been in love with this woman, you were in love with your own prejudiced view of her. Whatever it was that you tricked yourself that you saw in her, and formed an attachment to, goes way back when in your own psyche. it's all about you. It would be foolish to speak to your friend about her [all your created image of her did was trigger things within you] wish him well, it's none of your business. You lost a piece of pie and that sucks, but there will be another. Chin up, shoulders back, head high, be confident. 2
WisdomOverEmotion Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 I'm sorry this has happened to you, a ultimate betrayal. (Big hugs). If this women is toxic, he will get hurt also. And who will he want to run to when he does get hurt? Probably you. Because he knows, you know what it feels like to be hurt by this women. I think you need time away from your friend. To focus on healing yourself. If or when the hurt becomes less and your mind becomes clear, then think about if you still want a friendship with him. As for that women, good luck to her, she will need it when karma bites her in the a**. I can imagine if she is capable of doing this, she is capable of getting herself in some other sticky situations. Don't let this experience put you off, there are people who will love you only the way you deserve to be. Best wishes in your healing and therapy x 1
Alamo657 Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 She's really sexy and seductive and she is working her magic on him. I can see the confusion in his face. That alone infuriates me even more. How does he not see how toxic this woman is? I want to be friends with him and work it out, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Any advice would help :-) Because he smells pussy and crave it badly, like any normal young man. She is no longer your property so he's taking a shot at it, and they were probably eyeing each other during your relationship, and part of the demise of it is that your GF felt too much attraction to him to remain with you. Apparently, the "bro code" is meaningless to him, and banging his friends' exes is more important than his friendships. Technically, you are no longer friends, and can no longer be, because he betrayed you. 3
elaine567 Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 Technically, you are no longer friends, and can no longer be, because he betrayed you. Yes he betrayed you. This was not some girl you went out with once or twice, way back when. This was your recent ex and someone you had great difficulty getting over, so he should have said sth to you before he went out with her. or just passed all together. Why is he telling you that he just wants to sleep with her and hang out? That is highly inappropriate and shows no concern whatsoever for your feelings. If she is of no value to him then why is he doing it? Can't he find some other less controversial woman to sleep with and hang out with? If she was the "love of his life" and his dream woman then upsetting you, his friend, may be considered "worth it", but this just sounds cruel. 3
Author bb1821 Posted September 17, 2016 Author Posted September 17, 2016 Elain567 He's a free love type guy. He just likes getting his dick wet with pretty women and won't deny he wants to do that with my ex. He also thinks she's interesting and likes hanging out with her. Betrayed, yes. But none of my business anymore. The deed is done and I am peacing out! Who knows, maybe they're meant to be :-) 1
preraph Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 Look, that is a big betrayal. It happened to me too. I washed my hands of the friend, and she was a very old early friend. I don't need that. Best course is to just block both of them and find a better friend. It destroys your trust in people when even your good friends will watch you suffer from a relationship and know how deeply it affected you and STILL go in for the kill. block them both. 3
Author bb1821 Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 I know they are free to do as they please. We're adults. But the point is he went behind my back. He has expressed his sincerest apologies but I guess my dilemma is whether or not I keep him in my life. He's a horny little fella and she's seductive as hell. I wouldn't have done what he did but he isn't me. People make mistakes. Do I cut him out entirely? I'm torn.
preraph Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 If you don't block him out, he will just keep doing it. That's how my old friend was. She betrayed me in a different way in high school. I stopped talking to her the rest of high school, but then she was the only person I knew at the dorm in college, so we well back into talking to each other. In college, we were all passing men around like cookies and it was a hopeless situation and hard to make boundaries there because too many girls and guys involved, but once out, some years later, she lived with me and that's when she went after this guy she knew I was in love with, while we were on a breakup that probably never would have lasted. We had periods of two weeks at a time we'd part tearfully but then end up back. It hadn't ever gotten ugly. Until then. Then it got real ugly real fast. And my guess is she probably told him some lies about what I had been doing (which was nothing but crying) and that's probably why he went for it. You don't need people in your life who are toxic like that. It's one thing if they are not close and don't really know what you are going through emotionally -- and it's downright narcissistic if not sociopathic when they know that and know what it will do to you and do it anyway. 5
Taramere Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 (edited) Elain567 He's a free love type guy. He just likes getting his dick wet with pretty women and won't deny he wants to do that with my ex. He also thinks she's interesting and likes hanging out with her. In other words, he's just going to go for what he fancies, and he couldn't really care less what impact it has on you. "Free love type guy" sounds about right. His brand of love is likely free, because it's pretty much worthless. Edited September 18, 2016 by Taramere 3
CC12 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 I don't think your friend betrayed you. I know it's a shock to find out they're dating and it's really kind of gross and you're like, "WTF is my friend thinking?" but I don't believe he's doing anything wrong. Like you said, they're both adults. He had an honest conversation about it with you. And quite a bit of time has passed since you dated her. I want to be friends with him and work it out, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I guess you can't trust him to not try to date your exes. So maybe in the future, don't tell him anything personal about them and don't introduce them. Otherwise, if you want to continue the friendship, tell him that you're uncomfortable with them dating and that you don't want to hear a single detail or update about her or their relationship, ever, for any reason. I think that's fair to ask. If he agrees to do that, maybe you won't find it difficult to be friends. If the friendship becomes too difficult, you can end it. Just see what happens. 1
elaine567 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 I don't think your friend betrayed you. I know it's a shock to find out they're dating and it's really kind of gross and you're like, "WTF is my friend thinking?" but I don't believe he's doing anything wrong. Like you said, they're both adults. He had an honest conversation about it with you. And quite a bit of time has passed since you dated her. The man is in therapy trying to heal and his best friend cares so much for him, that he goes and sleeps with his ex (hello! the ex he is trying hard to get over), and you don't think the so-called "friend" has done anything wrong???? 2
Author bb1821 Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 He didn't sleep with her. He went out with her. What hurt was that the night they were making their plans, I was sitting next to him on the couch as he was texting her. He even said "don't come over yet, he's still here." He spilled all the details. Though nothing happened physically between them, it was the slimy way he went about it that ticked me off. We had a conversation this morning and he seemed sincerely sorry. He said he blocked her on social media and blocked her phone number. I thought that seemed a bit odd...why not just man up and tell her? At this point I think he created the situation and and he can tell with it however he wants but I want no part of it so I'll be distancing myself from it. Has certainly been hard to sleep these past 2 nights.
Author bb1821 Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 If it would have been a spur of the moment thing, I actually would have been more understanding. But he manipulated and strategically planned it all behind my back as I was sitting next to him.
kgcolonel Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Two excellent things learned here... 1. You learned the true nature of your ex gf. Any girl who would be so heartless to break up and go date a buddy of yours, is scum...just my opinion. Now that you know what she'd do...dismissed!!! 2. You learned what a scum you what should be the ex buddy is....to scheme to do your ex while your still smarting over the break up is without excuse....ironically, I happened to have married a buddies ex gf 32 years ago but...I called him as had the decency to ask if there were any feelings or reservations before we went on our first date...he encouraged me and was one of my groomsmen....imo this is the way it should be handled....mark your buddy off the list as well. Actually, on second thought, maybe they deserve each other....that way they may be limited to how much damage they independently can do to others. 2
Author bb1821 Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 (edited) Thank you all for your advice. I've never dealt with this kind of thing before, so I am certainly torn and confused. Even though he apologized, cried, and blocked her on social and her phone number, I feel like he has already made the decision to go down that road and ultimately, is only delaying the inevitable (blocking will on build her attraction towards him). I think at this point, the best route may be to tell him he "has my blessing" so to speak and to simply fade him from my life and let them cannibalize each other. I know them both well and they are not stable people. I'm a pretty confident and decisive guy, have been my whole life. But this whole thing has certainly made me feel weak and unsure of myself and other people. It is a night mare. It's nice hearing what people from a totally outside perspective have to say :-) I don't want to let "it" get to me. So I think I may have to fake it until I make it. Her going for my best friend definitely DOES help me get over her so much easier. So, there is a silver lining...I've lost all respect for her- which is HUGE in getting over someone. And deep down I know I am learning very valuable life lessons. Edited September 19, 2016 by bb1821 1
elaine567 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Her going for my best friend definitely DOES help me get over her so much easier. So, there is a silver lining...I've lost all respect for her- which is HUGE in getting over someone. True, when there is no chance of ifs, buts and maybes, it definitely makes getting over someone a lot easier. 1
CC12 Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 The man is in therapy trying to heal and his best friend cares so much for him, that he goes and sleeps with his ex (hello! the ex he is trying hard to get over), and you don't think the so-called "friend" has done anything wrong???? The friend didn't sleep with her, he went out with her once and he told OP about it the very next day. No, I don't think the friend did anything wrong in his case. I don't believe that "dibs" can be placed on a person simply because we dated them for a short while. By the same token, if a friend chooses to date your ex, you can also choose to not be friends with them anymore. OP, you seem to know what you want to do, and your attitude toward this seems fair. Hope it all works out for you.
preraph Posted September 21, 2016 Posted September 21, 2016 Yeah, my friend of 17 years apologized and cried, too, but she still chose the behavior. When I finally had it out with her, she basically confessed she was trying to be me. I knew an outfit of mine had disappeared and had seen her in my closest trying on my shoes. She was imitating me, and she was always poaching and trying to one-up as well. Plus the night she slept with him, she woke me up to tell me she had. She didn't want it to go unnoticed. She probably wanted him to get most of the carnage from it.
Recommended Posts