Hooking up with strangers

[syd89]

If someone is to go out to a bar or club with the intention of finding someone to hook up with, how do they do that and make it known that sex is the objective?

 

I want to find a random guy to hook up with, no strings attached. Never having done that, I don't know the protocol. I'm not the most attractive woman out there, average looking but not fat. My apartment is downtown and right in the middle of nightlife.

 

I haven't done this before and haven't had sex or been kissed so I don't want to come off as awkward. I'm 27 time to get it over with. There are a couple bars/clubs nearby that are mostly 26+ so that's maybe be a better bet.

[Arieswoman]

syd89,

 

Do not do this.

 

Repeat, do not do this.

 

Taking a stranger back to your place is just asking for trouble.

[JewelD]

Sex isn't laundry or doing the dishes. You shouldn't just 'get it over with'. You will probably feel like crap afterwards if your first time is with a stranger you never see again. At least wait for someone you genuinely like, even if it's not a boyfriend.

 

Plus, STD's are a thing. and condoms don't protect you from everything.

[syd89]

I'm tired of being the one person in my friend group who has never had sex, let alone been kissed. I'm tired of (supposed to be harmless) jokes being made at my expense. I'm tired of not knowing what it's like to kiss or touch a guy. I'm tired of being judged because I'm a virgin and inexperienced. I'm tired of feeling like I'm so orge that no one wants. People always say "even ugly people find someone". That doesn't help, at all. Seeing as I can't find someone and if the ugly people can then maybe I'm hideous. For once I want someone to want me, even if it's short lived.

[JewelD]

I'm tired of being the one person in my friend group who has never had sex, let alone been kissed. I'm tired of (supposed to be harmless) jokes being made at my expense. I'm tired of not knowing what it's like to kiss or touch a guy. I'm tired of being judged because I'm a virgin and inexperienced. I'm tired of feeling like I'm so orge that no one wants. People always say "even ugly people find someone". That doesn't help, at all. Seeing as I can't find someone and if the ugly people can then maybe I'm hideous. For once I want someone to want me, even if it's short lived.

 

Why do you care so much what other people think? Sounds like you have low self-esteem. And having low self-esteem will lead you to do a lot of stuff that is not going to make you feel better in the end.

 

Someone having sex with you the first night they meet you is not going to make you feel wanted. And that's because they don't actually want you, they want the sex. Even if you're fortunate enough to find a stranger who is kind to you and says sweet things to you during the sex, you'll see how quickly his personality and demeanor change once its over. You'll feel even worse than you do now.

 

Why not just try online dating? Build a relationship with someone who wants you for you. And of course, work on your self-esteem and loving yourself. You don't need someone else to validate you.

[syd89]

Why do you care so much what other people think? Sounds like you have low self-esteem. And having low self-esteem will lead you to do a lot of stuff that is not going to make you feel better in the end.

 

Someone having sex with you the first night they meet you is not going to make you feel wanted. And that's because they don't actually want you, they want the sex. Even if you're fortunate enough to find a stranger who is kind to you and says sweet things to you during the sex, you'll see how quickly his personality and demeanor change once its over. You'll feel even worse than you do now.

 

Why not just try online dating? Build a relationship with someone who wants you for you. And of course, work on your self-esteem and loving yourself. You don't need someone else to validate you.

 

I have tried online dating. Men almost always ask what your previous relationship was like, and when I say I haven't had one that leads to "you've had sex though right?!" followed by silence if I answer. So maybe I need to start lying and creating a bad base for a relationship.

 

It's not that I care what people think about me. It's what I have to deal with because of it. I don't want to have sex just because other people think I should, I want to because I want to.

 

I've never had a relationship. I've never had someone want me. Only wanting me long enough for sex can't be any worse. I haven't even been wanted that much before. Maybe I'll be sexier for guys if I know what I'm doing and don't come off more inexperienced than a nun.

[JewelD]

I have tried online dating. Men almost always ask what your previous relationship was like, and when I say I haven't had one that leads to "you've had sex though right?!" followed by silence if I answer. So maybe I need to start lying and creating a bad base for a relationship.

 

It's not that I care what people think about me. It's what I have to deal with because of it. I don't want to have sex just because other people think I should, I want to because I want to.

 

I've never had a relationship. I've never had someone want me. Only wanting me long enough for sex can't be any worse. I haven't even been wanted that much before. Maybe I'll be sexier for guys if I know what I'm doing and don't come off more inexperienced than a nun.

 

Trust me, it will damage your self-esteem even more to be treated as a sex object. if you just wanted to have sex with a stranger because you really like sex then that would be an entirely different subject. But you said in your original post that you just wanted to get it over with.

 

Online dating is really a numbers game. If a guy is not interested in you because you haven't had sex or you're too tall or you don't make enough money or for whatever silly reason, you simply move on to the next. You don't start making big life decisions like losing your virginity to a stranger.

 

You don't necessarily have to give out any of your personal business to people you're just talking to, as far as relationships you had and being a virgin. They should be focused on getting to know you as a person. You can tell them the truth when you feel comfortable.

[Gloria25]

I was watching Cheaters today. This good looking military guy was getting played and cheated on by this very average looking, overweight girl. The poor guy was crying over this nasty, unattractive skank. She also had no hobbies, interests, etc. She justified cheating because she was deployed (which pays the bills for her lazy butt) and she was "boooored" and needed attention. Mind you, she wouldn't get out of herself and go get a job, volunteer, get a hobby, maybe even consider a fitness goal to relieve her "booooredom"..she opted to run the base and cheat with random guys.

 

I used such an extreme example because majority of people aren't Halle Berry, but how they carry themselves is what makes them attractive - believe it or not. In other words, that skank in the Cheaters didn't walk around with her head down. She acted like she was a prize and was able to have one guy crying over her, and a stud in bed with her - who wanted her to leave the guy who was crying over her.

 

Walk around a local mall. Do you see everyone as Barbie and Ken? No, there are a lot of people who one may consider "average" and are happily in a relationship.

 

Stay strong, work on yourself and present yourself with confidence. You will meet someone who isn't all about meeting a 10. There's more to a person than perfect looks.

 

Like others said, that quick moment of attention will only make you feel worst afterwards and hurt you more instead of help you.

Edited September 17, 2016 by Gloria25

[jen1447]

It's not really hard for at least decent looking women to get sex - just put yourself out there and be available - but you do have to be a potential target, which means you can't be frumpy/angry/etc.

 

I don't think bars are the best way to get done what you want tho - better routine would be to get someone you know (who's agreeable) to 'help' you. Or at least have a wingwoman go with you initially.

[NTV]

Agree with jen 100%. Don't go alone. Even if you leave alone.

[Nowty V]

It's not really hard for at least decent looking women to get sex

 

I agree totally

 

Being a male and knowing what my gender are capable of, seriously ... men will stick it in the knot hole of a wooden fence if they know they can.

 

Pick someone you know who's a nice person, maybe from a coffee bar or even church, flirt a bit, lead him on a bit ... he'll take the bait

[doyathinkso]

Oh please don't do this ... not this way, especially for your first.

 

You just need more casual social interactions to bring you into contact with more people. Join a club, take dance lessons, find out about casual mixed amateur sports in your community and join in ..... anything but acting like a cheap skank looking for a diseased prick in a sleazy bar!!

 

One day you'll glance up and there he'll be ... the man of your dreams looking at the girl of his dreams.

[BaileyB]

As the last person in my group of girlfriends who had sex, I understand what you are feeling. It sucks to feel this way and it's hard to wonder what it's about and not have anyone to share the experience.

 

But, trust me... You want your first time to be with someone you care about. It will be worth the wait. Sex with a random stranger will not be enjoyable and it will not feel good.

 

Work on your self esteem. Meet men, learn to date. Do the things that you enjoy and create a life that bring you happiness. Someone will come along and then you will be happy that you waited.

[Kamille]

It's really hard to find a man who is willing to put your pleasure first in a ONS situation. If you decide to have a ONS, just know that sex with a caring partner is usually better than what you will experience.

 

But I get it. You'd like to have sex. Above posters are showing concern for you, but if you think this is a good idea for you, let's help you with that.

 

As Jen has said: go out, and look willing and approachable. This doesn't mean look cheap, but make sure you have make up on, do your hair, wear something that makes you feel sexy yet still comfortable. In the bar scene, looking like you made an effort is often a sign that you are interested in meeting men. Do go with a wing woman. Make sure she's a fun friend, preferably one that has experience meeting men in bars.

 

Rules of engagement: Find someone you find attractive and go stand or dance next to them. If he is seated at a table, find a reason to pass by. (Also, on your end, make sure it's easy for men to approach you: take a seat at the bar, dance by the side of the dance floor, stand around. Look at men. Don't spend the whole time huddled with your friend.).

 

This next part is where it pays off to be a woman: make flirtatious eye contact. That's it. That's all you have to do. Hold it for 3 seconds. Look away. Look at him again. If he's looking at you, smile. If he's available and interested, he'll likely take it from there and approach you. If he doesn't, assume he has a gf, some other interest, etc and find someone else you find attractive.

 

Once they approach, flirt: touch them. Lean in close. Mention that you live nearby. Most guys will take the hint.

 

I've had a few ONS and have given up on them. They're not for me. Men will assume you have experience if you have a ONS and tend to focus on their own pleasure more than yours. With luck, you will meet a generous dude. My recommendation, if he offers to down on you: let him .

[Springsummer]

She acted like she was a prize and was able to have one guy crying over her, and a stud in bed with her - who wanted her to leave the guy who was crying over her. .

 

Thanks for reminding me that. I kindda know, but never really own it and register well in my brain.

 

There are things in life I need to repeat many times, otherwise I just fall back to my old self.

[Springsummer]

I have tried online dating. Men almost always ask what your previous relationship was like, and when I say I haven't had one that leads to "you've had sex though right?!" followed by silence if I answer. So maybe I need to start lying and creating a bad base for a relationship..

 

men in western society is really strange and reprehensible to me...Where and when I grew up, one isn't supposed to be intimated with anyone before marriage. so you are supposed to be a prized one.

 

I feel like a stranger in a strange land...even though I have been here for a long long long time.

 

I feel so screwed up. Men who have lots of history/women turn me off. I once had a guy friend who is very hot and who seems to like me, but he turned me off mentally once I heard him said he had over 2 digits. That just seemed dirty, filthy and unholy to me.

 

sigh....I am really from another planet.

Edited September 17, 2016 by Springsummer

[Springsummer]

OP...any update?

[Shining One]

I don't think bars are the best way to get done what you want tho - better routine would be to get someone you know (who's agreeable) to 'help' you. Or at least have a wingwoman go with you initially.

Pardon my ignorance, but I'm genuinely curious. I know the role a wingman/woman plays in helping a guy get laid. What role does a wingwoman play in helping a woman get laid? My wingwoman said her role when going out with girlfriends was to stop them from getting laid.

[Shanex]

Pardon my ignorance, but I'm genuinely curious. I know the role a wingman/woman plays in helping a guy get laid. What role does a wingwoman play in helping a woman get laid? My wingwoman said her role when going out with girlfriends was to stop them from getting laid.

 

I also wondered about it. My understanding is the wing woman is there to help figure out which guy she can get laid with, and which she shouldn't.

 

In other words, the perfect friend.

 

That said, the wingwoman is not always right.

[California91]

Please, don't do this. Wouldn't you want to marry someone who had never had sex with anyone else? Sex is something that goes beyond a relationship, it literally unites two people in the flesh. If you give up your virginity, you can never gain it back. I have many friends that had sex outside of marriage and wish that they could have their virginity back, but it's too late for them. Not to mention the fact that sleeping with some random guy is a good way to get abducted/robbed/STDs. Sex isn't just a fun pastime.

[Springsummer]

Please, don't do this. Wouldn't you want to marry someone who had never had sex with anyone else? Sex is something that goes beyond a relationship, it literally unites two people in the flesh. If you give up your virginity, you can never gain it back. I have many friends that had sex outside of marriage and wish that they could have their virginity back, but it's too late for them. Not to mention the fact that sleeping with some random guy is a good way to get abducted/robbed/STDs. Sex isn't just a fun pastime.

 

Great to hear this!

 

So there are still people out there who have 'traditional values'?

 

but why OP met men who looked at her like an alien when she kind of indicated no experience? confused.

[Springsummer]

I have many friends that had sex outside of marriage and wish that they could have their virginity back, but it's too late for them.

 

really? what if your friends SOs also had sex outside of marriage? will you friends still regret? in that case, it's just even.

 

I will feel unfair if my future SO had lots while I had none.

[wmacbride]

If someone is to go out to a bar or club with the intention of finding someone to hook up with, how do they do that and make it known that sex is the objective?

 

I want to find a random guy to hook up with, no strings attached. Never having done that, I don't know the protocol. I'm not the most attractive woman out there, average looking but not fat. My apartment is downtown and right in the middle of nightlife.

 

I haven't done this before and haven't had sex or been kissed so I don't want to come off as awkward. I'm 27 time to get it over with. There are a couple bars/clubs nearby that are mostly 26+ so that's maybe be a better bet.

 

Sure, you may pick up a guy, who's probably had too much to drink, and to who would pick up a cactus is he thought he could have sex with it. Any port in a storm.

 

You'll go home with him, he'll tell you sweet words, you'll melt like butter and have sex with him. He'll make a beeline for the door ( or ask you to) and you'll be left feeling incredibly worthless.

 

Don't do that to yourself. I know it's cliched, but you likely have an inner beauty and an external one as well that you don't see. There are guys who would give their eye teeth to find an honest women who will treat them well and won't hurt them. A guy like that will make you feel good about yourself because he chose you after getting to know you.

 

The wait is well worth it.

[wmacbride]

Great to hear this!

 

So there are still people out there who have 'traditional values'?

 

but why OP met men who looked at her like an alien when she kind of indicated no experience? confused.

 

It could depend on the kind of guys she's meeting, the "vibe" she gives off when she says it, etc.

 

I don't online date, but I have friends who do, and they have told me that the best thing to do online is to be honest. If the sole reason a guy is going to reject a woman is because she says she never had sex, then what sort of guy is he anyway?

 

If she says she's waited fort he right guy to come along, but never met anyone she felt a connection to yet, then a worthwhile guy will hopefully respect that and get to know her. There's probably guys in the same position she is and who would be thrilled to meet a woman who values herself enough to wait.

[No_Go]

Are you extroverted? If so - bars are a good idea. If not - it will be pain in the a*s to try that route.

 

I was exactly your age, was ready to get over it. I bumped into (well, had him as a flat mate) very outgoing older guy and let him pull the strings. It was so quick and easy - from our 1st date to my 1st kiss (I never told him that's my first) to 1st sex (I broke my own hymen in advance so it was awesome - no pain, all experimentation) - all happened in under a week. This was not meant to be a relationship but we dated on/off 1.5 years afterwards:)

 

OLD can work as well. Pls DON'T tell the that you are a virgin etc. if they ask for relationships in the past - say nothing long-term and leave it at that. It is none of their business. Just again pick outgoing dudes - they'll do the hard work for you. With OLD 3-4 dates guarantee you sex if you want it.

 

If someone is to go out to a bar or club with the intention of finding someone to hook up with, how do they do that and make it known that sex is the objective?

 

I want to find a random guy to hook up with, no strings attached. Never having done that, I don't know the protocol. I'm not the most attractive woman out there, average looking but not fat. My apartment is downtown and right in the middle of nightlife.

 

I haven't done this before and haven't had sex or been kissed so I don't want to come off as awkward. I'm 27 time to get it over with. There are a couple bars/clubs nearby that are mostly 26+ so that's maybe be a better bet.