Does he ever care?

[katiegrl]

I kind of believe him that he is busy and stressed. Why do I "kind of" believe him. Because, when he is at work he his texts are "cold". When he is hanging out with friends or at home, he tells me that he misses me and is more talkative. Also, if he didnt care, why would he want me to be present in his life or schedule trip in november.

On the other hand, I hate excuses (like too busy too stressed) but I am thinking maybe not everyone is the same.

So, my conclusion: give him a chance to contact me first and see how it goes. If he is willing to put more effort, then I am willing to stick around. By more effort, I mean to show me he cares.

For example, so far he would always suggest to fly to my city to see me on the days that work for me (this was in order for me not to spend money). And he would always emphasize that it is not the location that matters but the company.

Now, if he does the same for our november trip that would be great. If he gives me more excuses then I will def know something's wrong.

 

Nicole, need I remind you that YOU were the one who broke up with him?

 

I have read this thread, and to me, his behavior seemed fine. He schedules visits with you every three months, contacts you every day, several times a day as well as a good night text every night.

 

Tells you he misses you, blah blah.

 

Okay at work, he is stressed, so his texts aren't as warm and fuzzy, perfectly understandable.

 

So not quite sure what you are expecting here... but again he isn't meeting your particular needs and expectations, and combined with this being is a long distance relationship, which isn't about to change anytime soon, it's best just to let it go and find someone LOCAL.

 

Good luck.

Edited September 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[Nicole10]

Nicole, need I remind you that YOU were the one who broke up with him?

 

I have read this thread, and to me, his behavior seemed fine. He schedules visits with you every three months, contacts you every day, several times a day as well as a good night text every night.

 

Tells you he misses you, blah blah.

 

Okay at work, he is stressed, so his texts aren't as warm and fuzzy, perfectly understandable.

 

So not quite sure what you are expecting here... but again he isn't meeting your particular needs and expectations, and combined with this being is a long distance relationship, which isn't about to change anytime soon, it's best just to let it go and find someone LOCAL.

 

Good luck.

 

Even if I contact him first, what do I say?. It is also my bday on Monday and I guess he will reach out at least to say Happy Bday.

[katiegrl]

Even if I contact him first, what do I say?. It is also my bday on Monday and I guess he will reach out at least to say Happy Bday.

 

Nicole, please don't contact him UNLESS you want to get back together.

 

If you are still not sure, and will only agree to go back if HE changes, don't bother.

 

You either accept him and the RL as is, or if you can't, you move on.

 

If you choose to not contact him, I would not expect him to contact you on your birthday.

 

You broke up with him, the RL is over.

 

And just to add FWIW. IMO you are expecting the moon from this guy. Along with the stars, sun, and the rest of the planets.

 

Lower the expectations hun, or you are gonna have problems in any RL you have, even ones that are local.

[Redhead14]

Even if I contact him first, what do I say?. It is also my bday on Monday and I guess he will reach out at least to say Happy Bday.

 

If you weren't happy with him, why bother at all? Just let it go. If he calls you on Monday, deal with it then.

[Gaeta]

Nicole: When you ask for a break to think about your relationship it means you have to decide if you want to continue the relationship under these conditions or not.

 

It's not about testing your BF if he will contact you back.

 

It's also not about going back to him and asking him to give you more attention, you have done that already, many times.

 

Asking for a break is about : making it or breaking it.

 

Going back to him with: I will stay in this relationship if you make more efforts is useless, you went down that road already and he told you he is giving you all he can.

 

A) you believe him and be patient.

B) you don't believe him and break up.

[Nicole10]

Nicole, please don't contact him UNLESS you want to get back together.

 

If you are still not sure, and will only agree to go back if HE changes, don't bother.

 

You either accept him and the RL as is, or if you can't, you move on.

 

If you choose to not contact him, I would not expect him to contact you on your birthday.

 

You broke up with him, the RL is over.

 

And just to add FWIW. IMO you are expecting the moon from this guy. Along with the stars, sun, and the rest of the planets.

 

Lower the expectations hun, or you are gonna have problems in any RL you have, even ones that are local.

 

Thanks Katie, I sometimes think that too. Maybe I am expecting too much. But he is the one who was always trying at the beginning. He is trying now too, but something has changed within the last two months. He insists it is work and his feelings are the same.

I do wanna be with him. I agree with what he told me few days ago "if we close the distance, this could be a great relationship." I dont wanna lose him. Besides, I have a problem finding someone who I really like. And dating locally is not as easy as I work full time and go to school also full time.

Have no idea what to do.

[katiegrl]

Nicole: When you ask for a break to think about your relationship it means you have to decide if you want to continue the relationship under these conditions or not.

 

It's not about testing your BF if he will contact you back.

 

It's also not about going back to him and asking him to give you more attention, you have done that already, many times.

 

Asking for a break is about : making it or breaking it.

 

Going back to him with: I will stay in this relationship if you make more efforts is useless, you went down that road already and he told you he is giving you all he can.

 

A) you believe him and be patient.

B) you don't believe him and break up.

 

I agree with this except the part about being patient.

 

Be patient for what? For him to change?

 

He is giving her what he has inside him to give, which I dunno IMO seems like it would be more than enough... maybe I am missing something.

 

Daily contact, several times throughout the day, plus a goodnight.

 

Scheduling time every three months to visit her.

 

She says he seems distant, well to me that could nothing more than her insecurity and anxiety over the fact that this is a long distance relationship, which are never easy.

[Gaeta]

Thanks Katie, I sometimes think that too. Maybe I am expecting too much. But he is the one who was always trying at the beginning..

Everyone puts their best foot forward at beginning. A relationship cannot be sustained on only how it was at the beginning.

 

How far apart are you?

[Gaeta]

I agree with this except the part about being patient.

 

Be patient for what? For him to change?

 

He is giving her what he has inside him to give, which I dunno IMO seems like it would be more than enough... maybe I am missing something.

 

Daily contact, several times throughout the day, plus a goodnight.

 

Scheduling time every three months to visit her.

 

She says he seems distant, well to me that could nothing more than her insecurity and anxiety over the fact that this is a long distance relationship, which are never easy.

 

No no no, not be patient for him to change. You don't change people.

 

Be patient and learn to love him the way he is and learn to appreciate what she has instead of concentrating on what she does not have like a morning text.

 

If she cannot find it in herself to accept him the way he is, with the type of love he is giving her, than she needs to find someone that suits her better.

[katiegrl]

Everyone puts their best foot forward at beginning. A relationship cannot be sustained on only how it was at the beginning.

 

How far apart are you?

 

He is still putting his best foot forward.

 

She just feels anxious and insecure due to the distance, which is NOT his fault.

[Nicole10]

Everyone puts their best foot forward at beginning. A relationship cannot be sustained on only how it was at the beginning.

 

How far apart are you?

 

2000 miles. 4 hours flight.

[katiegrl]

No no no, not be patient for him to change. You don't change people.

 

Be patient and learn to love him the way he is and learn to appreciate what she has instead of concentrating on what she does not have like a morning text.

 

If she cannot find it in herself to accept him the way he is, with the type of love he is giving her, than she needs to find someone that suits her better.

 

Okay gotcha! Thanks for clarifying!!

 

And yes I do agree!

[Gaeta]

2000 miles. 4 hours flight.

 

I think you are both Americans on different coasts?

[Nicole10]

I became insecure after our last trip. Let me clarify. The trip before the last one, we had a "talk." I asked what he thinks of our situation and he said he likes what we have. And he would like to keep seeing me every two to three months. It wont be easy but it is def worth it. He even said, once you are done with school, then we can move to San Diego (that was the city we were visiting, and we both really liked. He currently lives in San Francisco).

 

Now, th last trip was a month ago and that is also when his project started. He seemed a little distant. So I asked again: "what after this trip." I assume he gueesed I was asking for something more (like him moving over to my city) and he told me, his business is in California and there was no way he could move now. I was confused as I never mentioned moving over. What is worse, he assumed I was breaking up with him. Then we clarified the misunderstanding. And finally, at the airport I asked again if he wanted to keep seeing me. He said yes, but then he went on how difficult it would be, how the next time he could see me is in Nov when the project is over. It just was so different then when he was sooo optimistic and ready to make things work out on our previous trip.

Anyway, I got back home, he kept texting me but it felt different and that is how I became insecure.

[Gaeta]

When do you graduate?

[Nicole10]

When do you graduate?

 

Jun 2018. A year and a half.

We met in July 2015 on a vacation. It took him 7 month to convince me to see him. So our first trip was in Feb 2016, then in April, May and August

Edited September 23, 2016 by Nicole10

[Nicole10]

I think you are both Americans on different coasts?

 

Yes, we are

[katiegrl]

Nicole, do you have a life outside of school and him?

 

Friends, hobbies, school activities, family?

[Nicole10]

Nicole, do you have a life outside of school and him?

 

Friends, hobbies, school activities, family?

I have friends but I rarely see them as I work full time (6 days a week) and go to school (4 days a week plus 2 online classes). Even if I find someone local, not sure I would be able to see him. My life (or should I say, no life) really sucks right now.

[katiegrl]

Well... just for the record, I think the fact he took time off work to schedule visits to see you in February, April, May, August and had scheduled another trip in November is quite awesome. That speaks VOLUMES IMO.

 

That is not easy being that you are 2000 miles away and on the opposite coast... combined with a busy work schedule.

 

Not to mention the financial impact that must have imposed on him.

 

Plus the daily and nightly texts and calls, even when stressed and busy at work.

 

Sounds like he thought you were quite special.

 

But hell if that wasn't enough for you, then so be it.

 

Not much more to say.

 

Best of luck as you move forward.

Edited September 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[Nicole10]

Well... just for the record, I think the fact he took time off work to schedule visits to see you in February, April, May, August and had scheduled another trip in November is quite awesome. That speaks VOLUMES IMO.

 

That is not easy being that you are 2000 miles away and on the opposite coast... combined with a busy work schedule.

 

Not to mention the financial impact that must have imposed on him.

 

Plus the daily and nightly texts and calls, even when stressed and busy at work.

 

Sounds like he thought you were quite special.

 

But hell if that wasn't enough for you, then so be it.

 

Not much more to say.

 

Best of luck as you move forward.

 

I have to disagree about him having to take days off work and financial burden. He did that for sure but so did I. You see, his schedule is somewhat flexible (kind of his own business). And even though he offered to come over and visit me every single time, I only agreed one time. Three times we travelled to different cities and shared the expenses more or less.

It was probably way more difficult for me to take days off , not to mention financial issue (but I dodnt want to take advantage of his offers, and also preferred to go on trips with him.)

[Nicole10]

Here is an update. So, after all your advices I texted him and asked why he hadnt contacted me. He replied he was waiting for me and I was the one who wanted a break. And he would reach out to say happy bday anyway on Monday (which is today).

Here is the further conversation:

Him: I dont know why you are projecting negativity towards my feelings but there seems to be a fundamental change in the way you view us. I dont know what caused it but you dont seem to be happy.

Me: how do you see the whole situation?

Him: i wanted what we had. Daily talking, meeting up and planning for when we can be closer. But it isnt working for you because of your perception of me being different (which isnt the case). I dont have an end game. This is all new to me. And it stopped working for you because I cannot offer you more communication or emotional availability when I am barely managing to be a person on a daily basis.

I care deeply about you and your happiness and dont want to be the cause of your unhappiness. So I want something that is not feasible. I want to be able to focus on work, buy a house, move out (he lives with his brother), plan trips with you, be close on the trips in hope you will want to join me here when you are done with everything.

Me: so you think it is impossible?

Him: based on the last 3 conversations yes. I would rather stay friends and try this again when circumstances change.

Me: ok, I will let you focus on your work and your goals. But I cant stay in touch with you. I need some time to get over it and move on.

Him: i was fine with the relationship but it wasnt working for you.

Me: i was happy with the relationship before and i am ok now. But I noticed a change and want to know what is going on.

Him: here he talks about his family that he loves very much but they are driving him insane. His sister is getting divorced and he is doing all the work for her plus 100 other things. And then he says: i never talk about this, because I dont want to paint them in negative light. If we work out this is the impression you will have. But they are good people.

 

Him: where do you see this going in a year or so?

Me: if everything is ok, and we feel strong about each other I wouldnt mind moving over.

Him: that would be fantastic. That is how I see it too. But I would need to get my own place in a year. And it is possible, just I will be busting my as* off, just like you with school. But I forsee the communication we had during the last month (the one i am not happy about) and when we go on our trips I might bring work with me.

Up until last trip, this was more of a fantasy, but now that it is possible, i see what it will take.

Me: my last year in school is also very intensive and I will be living with almost no income.

Him: which is why I want to cover all of our trips expenses.

Now tell me, would something like this work for you?

Now we agree to continue....

 

And today is my bday, and he only texted me good morning and sent me a cute puppy pic (he knows i love puppies). He never texts just good morning. It is usually hows your day going, how are you....

And he knows it is my bday...

I might be crazy but it hurts. What is wrong with me? I have the feeling he is playing with me.

[katiegrl]

Nicole.... if you honestly believe this man is playing you, then you have some serious issues which I would suggest you seek help resolving... before getting into ANY relationship, even local.

 

Frankly IMO this man sounds like a freakin saint.

[Nicole10]

Nicole.... if you honestly believe this man is playing you, then you have some serious issues which I would suggest you seek help resolving... before getting into ANY relationship, even local.

 

Frankly IMO this man sounds like a freakin saint.

 

Thank you Katie. I am seriously insecure. The reason might be that I was always in telationships where guys were heels over head about me, while I didnt care very much. So naturally, they would be trying really, really hard (texting me the first thing in the morning, and whatever not).

This time I think I have the the same if not stronger feelings for this guy, than he has for me. And I might be just afraid.

[Nicole10]

Would you get upset about this:

Background: my long distance bf is very busy these days and we rarely communicate (but still text like 3-4 times a day)

Today, I had a car accident totalled my car, it was horrible. Thanks god I am more less fine. I texted him about what happened, he called me within 5 min. That was around 2pm today. It is 8pm now and I havent heard from him at all. I mean, I am still in shock and distressed and little emotional support would nice. I wish he checked in to see how I am feeling.

 

Any thoughts