Does he ever care?

September 18, 2016

No, but I have a question. Why are you continuing to talk to this man who has made it clear how he feels? What are you expecting? He's not going to up and change into the man you want. He's not a star-crossed lover who is dying in agony because you live far away. He is not invested in you.

I know of a couple, one lives in Virginia, the other in Cali. They fly back and forth to each other every now and then. They have a committed relationship. It is doable, and if he really liked you, you would be together, 2 miles or 500 miles apart.

**Unless you're about to move Florida, be done with this man and move on. The best you're going to get out of this is a random text from him every few months when his Florida dating life gets a little stagnant.

After reading their last text exchange, I disagree especially last paragraph

It sounds as if he *is* invested (or was before Nicole ended it - again) but finds maintaining a long distance relationship with her emotionally exhausting!

Clearly, they have different needs and expectations.

Nicole needs lots of communication, interaction, attention......he does not. He was doing his best to meet her needs but obviously it was not enough and he knew that.

That does not mean he does not love her or isn't as invested, it just means, as basil said, they have different needs, coping styles and expectations with respect to their relationship, and are not compatible.

No wrong or right, just different.

JMO but Nicole if you could lower your expectations a bit and be HAPPY with what he *is* able to give you (daily/nightly texts, flying to see you every few months).... then in turn that would make HIM happy and as a result, he would want to give you more! That's how it works.

But when you complain all the time about what he is *not* giving you (texting you as soon as he wakes up?), how do you think that makes him feel? It kills his energy and he will shut down. Most men would.

Why don't you text him in the morning telling him to have a great day!

And that you will catch up with each other later?

Why do you expect HIM to do all the work? No wonder he is exhausted.

Heck you were scheduled to see him again in November, less than two months away!

Edited September 18, 2016 by katiegrl

September 18, 2016

Nicole, he said in his last text he wanted to CALL you in two hours.

I hope you guys are talking now, and can work this out.

Good luck!

September 18, 2016

After reading their last text exchange, I disagree especially last paragraph

It sounds as if he *is* invested (or was before Nicole ended it - again) but finds maintaining a long distance relationship with her emotionally exhausting!

Clearly, they have different needs and expectations.

Nicole needs lots of communication, interaction, attention......he does not. He was doing his best to meet her needs but obviously it was not enough and he knew that.

That does not mean he does not love her or isn't as invested, it just means, as basil said, they have different needs, coping styles and expectations with respect to their relationship, and are not compatible.

No wrong or right, just different.

JMO but Nicole if you could lower your expectations a bit and be HAPPY with what he *is* able to give you (daily/nightly texts, flying to see you every few months).... then in turn that would make HIM happy and as a result, he would want to give you more! That's how it works.

But when you complain all the time about what he is *not* giving you (texting you as soon as he wakes up?), how do you think that makes him feel? It kills his energy and he will shut down. Most men would.

Why don't you text him in the morning telling him to have a great day!

And that you will catch up with each other later?

Why do you expect HIM to do all the work? No wonder he is exhausted.

Heck you were scheduled to see him again in November, less than two months away!

If he wanted to be with her, it would not be difficult to meet her needs. She threatened to break up with him several times and he still did not improve the relationship.

He's putting in minimal effort to "win her back" so to speak. She doesn't seem to be asking for anything ridiculous, he just cant or wont deliver.

She clearly cared more than he did. Regardless, she dumped him, what else is there to say or do? If there was something to be discussed or wrked out, it would have happened the first two times she tried to break up.

September 18, 2016

If he wanted to be with her, it would not be difficult to meet her needs. She threatened to break up with him several times and he still did not improve the relationship.

He's putting in minimal effort to "win her back" so to speak. She doesn't seem to be asking for anything ridiculous, he just cant or wont deliver.

She clearly cared more than he did. Regardless, she dumped him, what else is there to say or do? If there was something to be discussed or wrked out, it would have happened the first two times she tried to break up.

Relationships aren't about just the man meeting the woman's needs.. He has needs too, it takes two people to make a relationship and two people to break it.

Franky imo she sounds a bit needy, but I am not here to judge.

Personally I would be more than happy with a daily text at 1:00 pm, and then one at night. She said he even texts her throughout the day, I guess she is hurt cause his texts aren't as upbeat and engaging as they were at first. What the heck... the guy is stressed out at work!

He also flies out to visit her every few months.

Again not gonna judge her, she needs what she needs. But to blame him saying he could meet her needs if he wanted to? Well he could try, which is what he was doing, but it wasn't enough.

Not to mention.. sometimes those needs *can* be overwhelming to men, combined with the long distance, it becomes an impossible situation.

But as already mentioned, he said he was going to CALL her in two hours since his last text, so hopefully they are talking now and can somehow work it out.

Because I feel there is still love there, on both sides.

Edited September 18, 2016 by katiegrl

September 18, 2016

Relationships aren't about just the man meeting the woman's needs.. He has needs too, it takes two people to make a relationship and two people to break it.

Franky imo she sounds a bit needy, but I am not here to judge.

Personally I would be more than happy with a daily text at 1:00 pm, and then one at night. She said he even texts her throughout the day, I guess she is hurt cause his texts aren't as upbeat and engaging as they were at first. What the heck... the guy is stressed out at work!

He also flies out to visit her every few months.

Again not gonna judge her, she needs what she needs. But to blame him saying he could meet her needs if he wanted to? Well he could try, which is what he was doing, but it wasn't enough.

Not to mention.. sometimes those needs *can* be overwhelming to men, combined with the long distance, it becomes an impossible situation.

But as already mentioned, he said he was going to CALL her in two hours since his last text, so hopefully they are talking now and can somehow work it out.

Because I feel there is still love there, on both sides.

At the end of the day, a man who really likes you will make it clear. You wont be on this site asking "does he even care?".

September 18, 2016

At the end of the day, a man who really likes you will make it clear. You wont be on this site asking "does he even care?".

Not if the woman is anxious and insecure due to having different needs and expectations from her bf.

And not all men are comfortable with verbal or even written emotional declarations, they prefer to express their feelings with action, but being 2000 miles away, that would be rather difficult.

But you know what?

I don't wish to debate with you about this.

You have your opinion, I have mine, so let's just leave it at that and wish Nicole the best no matter what happens...

Edited September 18, 2016 by katiegrl

September 18, 2016

Not if the woman is anxious and insecure due to having different needs and expectations from her bf.

And not all men are comfortable with verbal emotional declarations, they prefer to express their feelings with action, but being 2000 miles away, that would be rather difficult.

But you know what?

I don't wish to debate with you about this.

You have your opinion, I have mine, so let's just leave it at that and wish Nicole the best no matter what happens...

Good, my advice is for the OP, you don't have to agree.

September 18, 2016

Good, my advice is for the OP, you don't have to agree.

Of course it was for the OP, so was mine!

Which you don't have to agree with either.....that's the beauty of message boards, we discuss but we all don't have to agree!

September 19, 2016

Nicole, he said in his last text he wanted to CALL you in two hours.

I hope you guys are talking now, and can work this out.

Good luck!

Hey Katie,

No, we did not talk. He asked to call me but I told him that I would be at work at that time. Anyway, after I was done with work, I texted him. I felt like all of this was too intensive. I texted: not sure what to say. we should take a few days break and, if you still wanna talk, let me know.

He replied: ok, lets do that.

September 23, 2016

Hey Katie,

No, we did not talk. He asked to call me but I told him that I would be at work at that time. Anyway, after I was done with work, I texted him. I felt like all of this was too intensive. I texted: not sure what to say. we should take a few days break and, if you still wanna talk, let me know.
He replied: ok, lets do that.

He hasnt texted me yet

September 23, 2016

He hasnt texted me yet

And he won't text again and if he dares text you again tell him to get lost.

September 23, 2016

And he won't text again and if he dares text you again tell him to get lost.

I am the one who asked for a few days break and told him to let me know if he wants to talk afterwards. But I had 3-4 days in mind. It's been 6 days already.

September 23, 2016

I am the one who asked for a few days break and told him to let me know if he wants to talk afterwards. But I had 3-4 days in mind. It's been 6 days already.

Your words right?

we should take a few days break and, if you still wanna talk, let me know.

You said to him to let you know if he wants to talk, he is not contacting you = he does not want to talk. You think he wants to talk but he's too shy to initiate contact?, c'mon.

September 23, 2016

Your words right?

we should take a few days break and, if you still wanna talk, let me know.

You said to him to let you know if he wants to talk, he is not contacting you = he does not want to talk. You think he wants to talk but he's too shy to initiate contact?, c'mon.

No, but maybe he has a different idea of what few days mean. Again, I aksed for no contact so I can think about everything

September 23, 2016

No, but maybe he has a different idea of what few days mean. Again, I aksed for no contact so I can think about everything

Did you think about everything?

What conclusion did you come up with?

September 23, 2016

No, but maybe he has a different idea of what few days mean. Again, I aksed for no contact so I can think about everything

You asked him for a few days, you need to reach out to him when you've had enough time. He's probably wondering a what few days means too.

And, now that's it's been 6 days, if I were him, I wouldn't answer. If you ask for a break, you ask with specificity and clarity. "I think we should both take 3 or 4 days to think and get clear in our heads. Can I call you on Xday and then we can share our thoughts?" Anyone who shuts me out for days and days, is history to me.

You asked for the break and are now playing "chicken" to see who blinks first . . .

September 23, 2016

You asked him for a few days, you need to reach out to him when you've had enough time. He's probably wondering a what few days means too.

And, now that's it's been 6 days, if I were him, I wouldn't answer. If you ask for a break, you ask with specificity and clarity. "I think we should both take 3 or 4 days to think and get clear in our heads. Can I call you on Xday and then we can share our thoughts?" Anyone who shuts me out for days and days, is history to me.

You asked for the break and are now playing "chicken" to see who blinks first . . .

I did ask for a break but I said: we should take a few days break and then if you still wanna talk to me, let me know. So, I left the ball in his court. And also, since, he was the one being distant lately, I think he should reach out to me first... if he cares

September 23, 2016

I agree with Redhead.

YOU were the one who ended it, remember? You flat out ended it, said you weren't happy.

HE told you that is NOT what HE wanted and asked if he could call you to talk about it in two hours.

You said no you had to work.

Then you said that y'all should take a break and catch up in a few days. It doesn't matter that you said "let me know."

YOU WERE THE ONE WHO ENDED IT.... but NOW still are expecting him to contact you?

Everyone knows that if you had been a MAN, opinions would be much different.

So let's flip the script.

Let's say he had broken up with you, telling you he's not happy.

You tell him it's not what YOU want, you ask to call to talk about it.

He says no he has to work. You seem upset so he says okay let's take a break and re-visit this in a few days.

What would the responses have been?

Nicole, if you want to talk to him, YOU need to call him.

But like Redhead said, don't be surprised if HE doesn't answer.

In his mind, you are not happy in the RL anyway and broke up with him.... so what's the point.

Edited September 23, 2016 by katiegrl

September 23, 2016

I agree with Redhead.

YOU were the one who ended it, remember? You flat out ended it, said you weren't happy.

HE told you that is NOT what HE wanted and asked if he could call you to talk about it in two hours.

You said no

Then you said that y'all should take a break and catch up in a few days.

NOW you are expecting him to contact you?

Everyone knows that if you had been a MAN, opinions would be much different.

So let's flip the script.

Let's say he had broken up with you, telling you he's not happy.

You tell him it's not what YOU want, you ask to call to talk about it.

He says no he has to work. You seem upset so he says okay let's take a break and re-visit this in a few days.

What would the responses have been?

Nicole, if you want to talk to him, YOU need to call him.

But like Redhead said, don't be surprised if HE doesn't answer.

In his mind, you are not happy in the RL anyway and broke up with him.... so what's the point.

Thank you, I really appreciate your responses. But I find it difficult to contact him first. Why?

Long story short. I was unhappy with the RL because he started acting distant. He said it was because of stress. I have a hard time to believe it (but I can accept it if I see some effort on his side). He asked to call me, but he assumed I will be working. So when I politely told him that I will be at work in one hour and wont be able to talk he only said: yeah, I figured.

Then, I wasnt sure what to tell him. The whole situation is difficult, so I suggested a break but told him to text me.

I guess, I want to see some effort in order to believe his words.

September 23, 2016

Did you think about everything?
What conclusion did you come up with?

Can you answer this please

September 23, 2016

Thank you, I really appreciate your responses. But I find it difficult to contact him first. Why?
Long story short. I was unhappy with the RL because he started acting distant. He said it was because of stress. I have a hard time to believe it (but I can accept it if I see some effort on his side). He asked to call me, but he assumed I will be working. So when I politely told him that I will be at work in one hour and wont be able to talk he only said: yeah, I figured.
Then, I wasnt sure what to tell him. The whole situation is difficult, so I suggested a break but told him to text me.
I guess, I want to see some effort in order to believe his words.

Just let it go then.

He wasn't making you happy anyway, you felt he was being distant, wasn't giving you what you need so as I said what's the point?

My guess is he had a few days to think about it (as you requested) and agrees with you.

Best to just accept it's over and move on. Find someone local... it doesn't sound like these LTRs are the right situations for you.

Take care.

September 23, 2016

I agree with Redhead.

YOU were the one who ended it, remember? You flat out ended it, said you weren't happy.

HE told you that is NOT what HE wanted and asked to call you.

You said no you had to work.

Then you said that y'all should take a break and catch up in a few days.

NOW you are expecting him to contact you?

Everyone knows that if you had been a MAN, opinions would be much different.

So let's flip the script.

Let's say he had broken up with you, telling you he's not happy.

You tell him it's not what YOU want, you ask to call to talk about it.

He says no he has to work. You seem upset so he says okay let's take a break and re-visit this in a few days.

What would the responses have been?

Nicole, if you want to talk to him, YOU need to call him.

But like Redhead said, don't be surprised if HE doesn't answer.

In his mind, you are not happy in the RL anyway so what's the point.

If a person asks for a break, they need to be the one who decides when the break is over and it needs to be clarified upfront.

This was a raw deal for him . . . or possibly an easy out. She wanted the break to see if he would crumble out of fear of losing her. But, even if he was really serious about her or if he was kinda on the fence, being put in this position would squash it for sure.

We see it all the time, no contact/break being used improperly and/or to manipulate the situation with negative consequences.

If you ask for a break, it's for YOU. You don't say "I need a break to think and you can call me when you think I'm done thinking and if you want to talk to me again." It's about YOU doing the thinking you need to do and deciding when YOU want to talk to them again and within a reasonable/respectful amount of time. Six days of stressing and wondering is hell. Heck the few days you mentioned would be uncomfortable at best.

You ask for the break, you manage the details as well.

September 23, 2016

Can you answer this please

Gaeta she did answer.

I guess, I want to see some effort in order to believe his words.

September 23, 2016

If a person asks for a break, they need to be the one who decides when the break is over and it needs to be clarified upfront.

If you ask for a break, it's for YOU. You don't say "I need a break to think and you can call me when you think I'm done thinking and if you want to talk to me again." It's about YOU doing the thinking you need to do and deciding when YOU want to talk to them again and within a reasonable/respectful amount of time. Six days of stressing and wondering is hell. Heck the few days you mentioned would be uncomfortable at best.

You ask for the break, you manage the details as well.

Isn't that what I just said in the post you quoted?

Or were you just clarifying that you agree with me?

September 23, 2016

Can you answer this please

I kind of believe him that he is busy and stressed. Why do I "kind of" believe him. Because, when he is at work he his texts are "cold". When he is hanging out with friends or at home, he tells me that he misses me and is more talkative. Also, if he didnt care, why would he want me to be present in his life or schedule trip in november.

On the other hand, I hate excuses (like too busy too stressed) but I am thinking maybe not everyone is the same.

So, my conclusion: give him a chance to contact me first and see how it goes. If he is willing to put more effort, then I am willing to stick around. By more effort, I mean to show me he cares.

For example, so far he would always suggest to fly to my city to see me on the days that work for me (this was in order for me not to spend money). And he would always emphasize that it is not the location that matters but the company.

Now, if he does the same for our november trip that would be great. If he gives me more excuses then I will def know something's wrong.

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Does he ever care?

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