Does he ever care?

September 17, 2016

As soon as he opens his eyes? I think you are being a little unrealistic here. Let the man get up and do his routine. I don't know about you but I don't have time to text in the early morning it's just rush rush rush! If you want a text first thing in the morning why don't you do it yourself? We teach by example.

As for the rest there is nothing you can do. You tried to have a conversation about it 3 times and it did nothing. I suggest you simply stop contacting him. Get busy with something and let him show you what he is made of.

That is my plan too. But I doubt he will contact me again. Even though he said he would like to stay in touch. I dont want to be friends with him.

September 17, 2016

I dont understand what has changed. He was so enthusiastic about seeing meevery single time.

The thing which has changed is that he's realised that the reality of a long distance relationship is very different to the dream of one when you have a holiday romance. And that reality is not one he wants to live.

We can make all kinds of promises as to what we will do. But until we live the reality, we actually have no idea whether or not it will work for us.

September 17, 2016

The thing which has changed is that he's realised that the reality of a long distance relationship is very different to the dream of one when you have a holiday romance. And that reality is not one he wants to live.

We can make all kinds of promises as to what we will do. But until we live the reality, we actually have no idea whether or not it will work for us.

This is very possible. But then why he insisted on comtinuing this. He wanted to see me again in Nov. Also, when I broke up the first time, wasnt it easier to just say, "ok if you want it" or something like that. He prefers to drag me along I guess.

And even now, why did he say he didnt want this to be an end. To torture me?

September 17, 2016

I dont understand what has changed. He was so enthusiastic about seeing meevery single time.
Not sure if I am beig clear. This is going on for the last month (him being distant) and I have tried to break up with him three times. First time I called him but he explained how busy he was blah blah. Two weeks ago I texted him. He apologized and again explained how busy he was. And finally this...

I think you are confused about what this relationship was. You met three times, sure you had a great time each time. But that is hardly any intimacy at all. You were his holiday gf, that's why he didn't want to be bothered with maintaining the relationship in-between. He just wanted you to show up every 2 months and have a good time and otherwise go away and don't bother him in-between. He only wanted to text because it keeps you at a distance and is minimal effort. You thought you were his gf, he thought you were a fun ride every now and again.

I've been in three serious LD relationships. You make the effort to call, you stay in contact you share details of each other lives. You build on what you already have as a way to stay close. None of that was going on with you two. Nothing changed in the last month except he just couldn't be bothered keeping up the pretence anymore. He told you what you wanted to hear to keep a good thing for himself going but it wasn't going to develop into anything serious.

Sorry. But you need to let it go. No he probably didn't care.

September 17, 2016

That is my plan too. But I doubt he will contact me again. Even though he said he would like to stay in touch. I dont want to be friends with him.

This sums it up perfectly! The guy has faded but you don't want to accept it. If you didn't keep reaching out, it would be crickets from his end. Read the obvious tea leaves and let go. His interest is gone. It happens. Stop fighting the reality of the situation.

Find a local boy to date--someone who will make time to interact with you, see you, and date you.

September 17, 2016

This is very possible. But then why he insisted on comtinuing this. He wanted to see me again in Nov. Also, when I broke up the first time, wasnt it easier to just say, "ok if you want it" or something like that. He prefers to drag me along I guess.
And even now, why did he say he didnt want this to be an end. To torture me?

Because he's not decisive. And probably this kind of relationship was working for him.

September 17, 2016

I think you are confused about what this relationship was. You met three times, sure you had a great time each time. But that is hardly any intimacy at all. You were his holiday gf, that's why he didn't want to be bothered with maintaining the relationship in-between. He just wanted you to show up every 2 months and have a good time and otherwise go away and don't bother him in-between. He only wanted to text because it keeps you at a distance and is minimal effort. You thought you were his gf, he thought you were a fun ride every now and again.

I've been in three serious LD relationships. You make the effort to call, you stay in contact you share details of each other lives. You build on what you already have as a way to stay close. None of that was going on with you two. Nothing changed in the last month except he just couldn't be bothered keeping up the pretence anymore. He told you what you wanted to hear to keep a good thing for himself going but it wasn't going to develop into anything serious.

Sorry. But you need to let it go. No he probably didn't care.

Ok, it is not like there was no contact in between. Yes, he only texted, never called but he did text like every two hours pretty much and he was always the one to initiate the contact. He shared the stories and details about his family, invited me to his bday party, to his parents house (when I visited him,) but ai didnt go. And he put a lot of efffort in planning the vacations, making sure we do the things that I prefer. And as soon as we would be at the airport, he would start asking me about the next one. And these visits (four of them) were only at my convenience, when I was able to take off from work or school.

September 17, 2016

This sums it up perfectly! The guy has faded but you don't want to accept it. If you didn't keep reaching out, it would be crickets from his end. Read the obvious tea leaves and let go. His interest is gone. It happens. Stop fighting the reality of the situation.

Find a local boy to date--someone who will make time to interact with you, see you, and date you.

I almost never reached out first to him. It was always him initiating contact. Even during this fading phase

September 17, 2016

Not sure what you want us to tell you here. Everyone has said he lost interest but you keep arguing with but he did this and did that....Theres no obvious reason for his lack of contact other than he's just not interested.

September 17, 2016

I meant I never mentioned that the fact he doesnt text me as soon as he wakes up, bothers me. And this has been going on from the very beginning.
For the last month, he started texting less often and became distant. Theb, I let him know I wasbt happy about it.

He's just NOT invested in a pen pal relationship and that's basically what you've got. When you peel all the layers away, THAT'S what you've got. So you visit each other for a week every few months. That's not a relationship - it's just a mini vacation with benefits, is all.

He's doing the slow fade because long distance relationships are just pointless and he knows it.

Edited September 17, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

September 17, 2016

I almost never reached out first to him. It was always him initiating contact. Even during this fading phase

Well as you said, if you don't initiate now, he won't make contact again. He's left the fading phase, and is now gone! The arrangement is dead.

Time to move on.

Edited September 17, 2016 by angel.eyes

September 17, 2016

Not sure what you want us to tell you here. Everyone has said he lost interest but you keep arguing with but he did this and did that....Theres no obvious reason for his lack of contact other than he's just not interested.

I know. I just want to make sure I didnt overeacted. He warned me about being less available due to the project. But I didnt expect him to emotionally shut down too.

I guess, when a man truly cares, he makes sure to let a woman know how he feels, not matter how busy or stressed he is.

September 17, 2016

I dont understand what has changed. He was so enthusiastic about seeing meevery single time.
Not sure if I am beig clear. This is going on for the last month (him being distant) and I have tried to break up with him three times. First time I called him but he explained how busy he was blah blah. Two weeks ago I texted him. He apologized and again explained how busy he was. And finally this...

I have tried to break up with him three times -- Break up? This isn't an established 'relationship' so there's nothing to break up from . . .

You've "broken up" 3 times now and so why should he believe you . . . it's clear to him that you're OK with stringing yourself along and knows if he does decide he wants to see you, you'll still be there because you can't stick to your boundaries.

Of course, he doesn't want it to end. He's content with an occasional piece of as* when it's convenient for him while traveling on business to your city or if you bring it to him . . .

And finally this -- You kept reaching out to him after he was being distant, etc. And, it got clear to him that you weren't getting "the message", so he got "real" with you . . . I don't want a relationship with you. I know I'm not good partner material for you because I don't want what you want, so you should do what you want to do. In other words, I don't really want you as a girlfriend but don't mind getting laid once in a while, and if you want to keep stringing yourself along, go ahead.

September 17, 2016

I have tried to break up with him three times -- Break up? This isn't an established 'relationship' so there's nothing to break up from . . .

You've "broken up" 3 times now and so why should he believe you . . . it's clear to him that you're OK with stringing yourself along and knows if he does decide he wants to see you, you'll still be there because you can't stick to your boundaries.

Of course, he doesn't want it to end. He's content with an occasional piece of as* when it's convenient for him while traveling on business to your city or if you bring it to him . . .

And finally this -- You kept reaching out to him after he was being distant, etc. And, it got clear to him that you weren't getting "the message", so he got "real" with you . . . I don't want a relationship with you. I know I'm not good partner material for you because I don't want what you want, so you should do what you want to do. In other words, I don't really want you as a girlfriend but don't mind getting laid once in a while, and if you want to keep stringing yourself along, go ahead.

Ok, this does sound like I am defending him, but you people are reading things that I never said.

First of all, he does not go on business trips. For every trip to see me, he specifically asked me to choose a location. He said it is the company not the location that matters. So every single time I had a choice of visitng him, he visiting me or just meet somewhere else. He offered to come visit me every single time.

Also, we didnt have sex till we met for the third time (third vacation and even then he didnt insist on having sex. He said whenever I am ready because that wasnt the reason he wanted to see me.).

I mentioned in my original post that these encounters were great. He was attentive, gentleman and we honestly had too much of PAD but we couldnt help it.

As for relationship, we talked about it and he said he considers us to be in a relationship.

And I never kept reaching out to him. Even after he became distant, he would text me at least 3-4 times a day and reply to my texts within 5 minutes (but I rarely text him first)

When I confronted him about him acting distant he apologized and explained he was stressed so I gave him another chance. Things have improved afterwards but still not good enough and I decided to break up.

It does hurt to hear he was seeing me when it was convenient to him because it is not true. He would see me only when it was convenient for me. I would just pick a date and he would pretty much put his business on hold and come to see me.

Edited September 17, 2016 by Nicole10

September 17, 2016

Also, few days ago (while in this "fading phase") he texted me good night and added: "I miss you more than you know." Why saying this if you are trying to pull away? I would never say something like that to a guy I am not serious about.

Sometimes, I wonder if men are simply evil.

September 17, 2016

Also, few days ago (while in this "fading phase") he texted me good night and added: "I miss you more than you know." Why saying this if you are trying to pull away? I would never say something like that to a guy I am not serious about.
Sometimes, I wonder if men are simply evil.

No, they're not any more evil than women. You just refuse to see the truth.

Nicole, I love you and I miss you. You mean the world to me.

Do you see how simple that was? You know I don't mean it because we don't know each other, but it is sooooo easy to say things to a person that you don't really mean.

He said it to make you feel good. To keep you on the line when he wants you. Stop caring so much about what he says and look at what he does. Does he treat you like he misses you more than you know? No. So there's no reason to search for some deeper meaning.

September 17, 2016

He would see me only when it was convenient for me. I would just pick a date and he would pretty much put his business on hold and come to see me.

So now you're saying, he reaches out to you several times a day, he's the perfect gentleman, he responds rapidly to your texts and his interactions revolve around you. Well then, I'm glad you clarified what you meant by he has stopped contacting you; if you never contacted him, you would never hear from him again; and you broke up with him three times because he was too busy to make time to communicate with you.

Based on what you now state, he'll happily put his business on hold anytime you want, everything is okay, and he does everything at your convenience. Since you want more contact, just tell him you would like to see him next weekend or to go away for a week to focus on your relationship. No doubt he'll drop everything to make that happen given your most recent comments.

Happy trails!

September 17, 2016

So now you're saying, he reaches out to you several times a day, he's the perfect gentleman, he responds rapidly to your texts and his interactions revolve around you. Well then, I'm glad you clarified what you meant by he has stopped contacting you; if you never contacted him, you would never hear from him again; and you broke up with him three times because he was too busy to make time to communicate with you.

Based on what you now state, he'll happily put his business on hold anytime you want, everything is okay, and he does everything at your convenience. Since you want more contact, just tell him you would like to see him next weekend or to go away for a week to focus on your relationship. No doubt he'll drop everything to make that happen given your most recent comments.

Happy trails!

No need to be sarcastic. I just clarified how it used to be till a month ago.

But I am very well aware that there is a problem now, as he has been distant for a month. Again distant, but it doesn't mean that I am the one who reaches out to him. He still keeps in touch, he still texts me first few times a day just doesnt seem as excited as before. All I wanted is to make sure I didnt overreactrd because I believe being stressed out is a lame excuse.

September 17, 2016

Then why are you arguing with everyone when they tell you it's a lame excuse and he's clearly done?

People lose interest. He clearly has. Accept that it's over and move on.

September 17, 2016

Then why are you arguing with everyone when they tell you it's a lame excuse and he's clearly done?

People lose lost interest. He clearly had. Accept that it's over and move on.

The last thing I want to do is argue. Just there were some responses that were not true. He was not using me, I was not the one doing all the work in relationship etc etc.

The only thing he did is became distant and thanks for all the replies. I made the right decision to dump him.

September 17, 2016

He still keeps in touch, he still texts me first few times a day just doesnt seem as excited as before. All I wanted is to make sure I didnt overreactrd because I believe being stressed out is a lame excuse.

Well if that's all you were worried about then yes you over-reacted. You sound very needy and you also sound as if you didn't really understand this wasn't a significant relationship for him. It was a situation he was happy to keep going as long as he enjoyed it. When you started nagging him about not texting you first thing in the morning then I guess he no longer enjoyed it. If being texted daily isn't enough for you then you really need a boyfriend who is local to you to get your needs fulfilled. This arrangement isn't it.

So saying that very few men will put up with this kind of demanding behaviour for long, local or not. The excitement in every relationship dies down in the first couple of months. It's completely unrealistic to expect that new love rush to last forever.

September 17, 2016

For future reference you never, ever break up with someone as a means of testing how much they care. Every time you do this you damage the relationship and make yourself look untrustworthy. Breaking up is for walking away not manipulating someone into declaring love for you or paying you more attention.

If you do this you will lose the relationship at some point.

September 17, 2016

He texted me today:

He: I dont want to lose you from my life.

Me: well, it is hard to stay friends, at least for now.

Him: I agree but it doesnt make it hurt less. But I dont want to hurt you either.

Me: so it is best not to stay in touch?

Him: no, we can check in on each other in few weeks. You are very important to me (hope it is mutual).

Me: but why?

Him: if you have to ask than I have my answer.

Me: but what is the point of staying in touch?

Him: just because our relationship isnt working now with long distance, doesnt mean I dont have hope for the future. If we could close the distance, I feel it would be a great relationship.

Me: I want to talk about certain issues but I am afraid you may misunderstand it.

Him: can you talk? Can I call you in 2 hours?

Me: no, I will be at work.

Him: ok. I miss you. This whole situation sucks. And the worst part is I dont want to make you feel bad. But I dont want to make myself feel bad either. Dont know what to do. I understand where you are coming from with the lack of communication. I tried to make it better but it wasnt enough. But it doesnt change the fact that this sucks.

Me: why do you feel bad?

Him: the relationship was working for me but not for you. Either way one is unhappy. But I cant keep this up if it doesnt work for you.

Me: it doesnt work for me. I hear from you in the afternoon and your texts became kind of cold. Plus you never call me to have a real conversation.

Him: it is not the way I operate under stress. I dont want to bitch about how bad my day is. It is not a good conversation to have, and at a distance there is nothing much you can do for me, or I can do for you. But that what my conversation would have been. Good things going for me are in Florida (i live in florida) and my family.

Any thoughts?

Edited September 17, 2016 by Nicole10

September 17, 2016

Thoughts? Pretty much what I said earlier - hoping to have a good long distance relationship is different to actually having one.

You both had different ways of coping with the distance and those ways weren't compatible. There is no right or wrong here. Just difference in attitude.

September 17, 2016

He texted me today:
He: I dont want to lose you from my life.
Me: well, it is hard to stay friends, at least for now.
Him: I agree but it doesnt make it hurt less. But I dont want to hurt you either.
Me: so it is best not to stay in touch?
Him: no, we can check in on each other in few weeks. You are very important to me (hope it is mutual).
Me: but why?
Him: if you have to ask than I have my answer.
Me: but what is the point of staying in touch?
Him: just because our relationship isnt working now with long distance, doesnt mean I dont have hope for the future. If we could close the distance, I feel it would be a great relationship.
Me: I want to talk about certain issues but I am afraid you may misunderstand it.
Him: can you talk? Can I call you in 2 hours?
Me: no, I will be at work.
Him: ok. I miss you. This whole situation sucks. And the worst part is I dont want to make you feel bad. But I dont want to make myself feel bad either. Dont know what to do. I understand where you are coming from with the lack of communication. I tried to make it better but it wasnt enough. But it doesnt change the fact that this sucks.
Me: why do you feel bad?
Him: the relationship was working for me but not for you. Either way one is unhappy. But I cant keep this up if it doesnt work for you.
Me: it doesnt work for me. I hear from you in the afternoon and your texts became kind of cold. Plus you never call me to have a real conversation.
Him: it is not the way I operate under stress. I dont want to bitch about how bad my day is. It is not a good conversation to have, and at a distance there is nothing much you can do for me, or I can do for you. But that what my conversation would have been. Good things going for me are in Florida (i live in florida) and my family.

Any thoughts?

No, but I have a question. Why are you continuing to talk to this man who has made it clear how he feels? What are you expecting? He's not going to up and change into the man you want. He's not a star-crossed lover who is dying in agony because you live far away. He is not invested in you.

I know of a couple, one lives in Virginia, the other in Cali. They fly back and forth to each other every now and then. They have a committed relationship. It is doable, and if he really liked you, you would be together, 2 miles or 500 miles apart.

Unless you're about to move Florida, be done with this man and move on. The best you're going to get out of this is a random text from him every few months when his Florida dating life gets a little stagnant.

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Does he ever care?

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