Does he ever care?

August 26, 2016

I know what you are saying. I was always labeled as a gold digger when complained about it here. Well, it is not that we are splitting dinner bills. When I flew to his city, I stayed at a hotel, and paid for fare and a hotel. He paid for most meals and entertainment.

Then, he flew to my city. He paid his hotel (i have roommates he cant stay with me) and we mostly split everything else (taking turns) and we did expensive stuff (at least expensive for me). Like 100$ shows, baseball game, architecture tours. Our third date, he paid for the hotel and we were taking turns with meals (he probably paid much more here). And now we split the hotel and an expensive entertainment half. He paid for some extra amenities in the room, for the massage, and transportatuon to the hotel and back. Again not 50/50 exactly but close to it.

Is it ok?

When we talked on our third date about keep visiting each other, he said if I was struggling he will then pay for everything. But really did nothing forour 4th vacation (I wouldnt let him for this one anyway but when I also think of his change in attitude towards our relationship I am on the verge to break things off).

Edited August 26, 2016 by Nicole10

August 26, 2016

I know but I wanted him to show more enhusiasm.

Fair enough but distance has zero to do with how enthusiastic he is .... or not.

He's not an enthusiastic person and I would venture to guess, even if you lived two miles away, he wouldn't be an an enthusiastic person.

If you need a man more enthusiastic and emotionally responsive, then he's NOT the guy for you regardless of where he lives.

August 26, 2016

Fair enough but distance has zero to do with how enthusiastic he is .... or not.

He's not an enthusiastic person and I would venture to guess, even if you lived two miles away, he wouldn't be an an enthusiastic person.

If you need a man more enthusiastic and emotionally responsive, then he's NOT the guy for you regardless of where he lives.

He is actually very enthusiastic abput everything else. Anyway, I just called him and told him what bothers me. I was ready to break things off but he told me that he doesnt wanna lose me and the reason he wasn't enthusiastic was the place and time we had the conversation (at the airport, 15 min before boarding). Also, when we started talking, he misunderstood that I was breaking up with him and told me that even though we clarified I had no intention of breaking up, it affected the tone of the whole conversation.

So he still wants to meet every three months, and do something more once I am done with school. That is if we are still together in two years.

My friends, however, do not like the fact that he doesnt appreciate how much effort and money I need to see him and is not helping out with that.

August 26, 2016

My friends, however, do not like the fact that he doesnt appreciate how much effort and money I need to see him and is not helping out with that.

How do your friends know that he doesn't appreciate that? Are they reading his mind from afar... or are you bemoaning to them that he's not the sugga daddy type?

Personally, I think it's nuts to put all of that travel and expense on credit cards, and let interest accrue for two years before you start paying it off along with student loans. All of this while you're not happy with his gallantry and have one foot out the door anyway.

Why don't you just tell him you need to break up because you can't afford it. He'll either step up and become your sugga daddy, or he'll say what a shame because he enjoys meeting up for sex once every three months but he's not interested in taking you to raise. If you get what you want it's game on, if not it's game over.

If you run up those credit cards and then it still doesn't work out, where will you be?

August 26, 2016

Nicole,

I've read most of the posts. TBH I don't see you as being able to cope with this type of relationship. You're constantly looking for reassurance from him. Nobody can give that and over time I'd be bothered by that need, it's a total turn off.

Also just because it seems that he's in good financial shape doesn't mean he really is. If he owns a home or car they could be financed to death. Lots of people live way above their means.

And every time you've gotten together has been on "holiday" mode. That's not real life so you really don't know at this point if you are both compatible.

I think seeing your partner every 3 months is just a doomed relationship.

August 26, 2016

How do your friends know that he doesn't appreciate that? Are they reading his mind from afar... or are you bemoaning to them that he's not the sugga daddy type?

Personally, I think it's nuts to put all of that travel and expense on credit cards, and let interest accrue for two years before you start paying it off along with student loans. All of this while you're not happy with his gallantry and have one foot out the door anyway.

Why don't you just tell him you need to break up because you can't afford it. He'll either step up and become your sugga daddy, or he'll say what a shame because he enjoys meeting up for sex once every three months but he's not interested in taking you to raise. If you get what you want it's game on, if not it's game over.

If you run up those credit cards and then it still doesn't work out, where will you be?

I don't want him to pay all my expenses, just little over exactly 50 percent would show me that he undrstands and cares enough about me. I do not go on these vacations because I like to travel. I go to see him. And if I pay my ticket and we share the hotel and meals expenses, I would like him to pay for fun stuff to do.

I don't know his financial situation but he has his own business. Personally, I think that he is saving money to buy his own house and few more properties. But you compare it to a student who is struggling to pay rent, it is just ridiculous.

August 26, 2016

And another thing that really annoyed me is that we split the costs 50/50. He paid for some extra things but not too much and in the end when I told him to keep some of my money he actually said ok (knowing that I am a poor student with too many expenses).

Ugh. You've got yourself a real classy gentleman there, keeping his girlfriend's money.

Stop wasting your time and money on some long distance relationship that's NOT going to last anyway.

He's NOT going to be your last boyfriend. He's NOT. That's a promise.

You got to go on some great vacations (paid for by yourself) so you'll be eating those awful Ramin Noodle things to make up for it.

Find a nice boy at your college and quit wasting time with this guy.

August 26, 2016

I dont expect him to put me through school, but he is doing pretty well. He has his own business and he even makes money while on vacation.

LOL. And THIS is the DB that thinks it's perfectly fine to actually ACCEPT money you offered him.

I guess he DOES 'make money' on vacation. Yours.

August 27, 2016

LOL. And THIS is the DB that thinks it's perfectly fine to actually ACCEPT money you offered him.

I guess he DOES 'make money' on vacation. Yours.

((((

It really bothers me now. What exactly happened is: we were at an all inclusive hotel. I already gave him half for the hotel and the park we were gonna visit. He then added some extra and upgraded our room and told me that is on him. Then, we went to the park and I gave him some money (not much, like 40$ maybe) because I had no purse or pockets. But we didnt spend any money there. We stayed at the hotel for 5 days and I never had money with me to tip for drinks and food. He did insread. On our last day, I told him to tip the guy that made me coffee and then I said "Since I never tipped when we were eating or getting drinks keep the money I gave you for the park." He said ok. It is not abput the money, it is just that I have the feeling he would accept anything I offer. If I offered to pay for his hotetl, he would probably accept that too.

August 27, 2016

LOL. And THIS is the DB that thinks it's perfectly fine to actually ACCEPT money you offered him.

It is not abput the money, it is just that I have the feeling he would accept anything I offer. If I offered to pay for his hotetl, he would probably accept that too.

Here's a novel concept: Don't offer. I never offer anything to a woman and then later judge her negatively for accepting. OP, you've helped set the financial tone of this relationship. He may or may not be open to changing. However, he is not telepathic. You will need to talk to him about it.

Why not take him up on his offer to handle some more of the financial burden?

When we talked on our third date about keep visiting each other, he said if I was struggling he will then pay for everything. But really did nothing forour 4th vacation (I wouldnt let him for this one anyway but when I also think of his change in attitude towards our relationship I am on the verge to break things off).

August 27, 2016

Here's a novel concept: Don't offer. I never offer anything to a woman and then later judge her negatively for accepting. OP, you've helped set the financial tone of this relationship. He may or may not be open to changing. However, he is not telepathic. You will need to talk to him about it.

Why not take him up on his offer to handle some more of the financial burden?

Thanks a lot for your reply. I wanted to show him that I don't care about his money. But now, I am worried that he doesnt care enough for me (dont get me wrong here). I have the feeling he doesnt want to spend on the girl, he maybe doesnt see in his future. Would you say this is an indicator he is not serious about me?

I am thinking of telling him that I am struggling to afford the next meeting (which is in Nov) and see how he reacts.

And btw, he knows what expenses I have and how much I make, and how difficult it will be to find the money for the last year of school (as I wont have any loans then).

Edited August 27, 2016 by Nicole10

August 27, 2016

Thanks a lot for your reply. I wanted to show him that I don't care about his money. But now, I am worried that he doesnt care enough for me (dont get me wrong here). I have the feeling he doesnt want to spend on the girl, he maybe doesnt see in his future. Would you say this is an indicator he is not serious about me?

It's hard to say based on the information provided. He's definitely being guarded to some extent, but I wouldn't consider the money situation as a lack of serious interest. It's quite likely he's just going with the flow. You've always taken turns, so he keeps taking turns. You offer money, he accepts. He has made offers, you decline. Perhaps he thinks it's a pride issue for you.

I am thinking of telling him that I am struggling to afford the next meeting (which is in Nov) and see how he reacts.

You should, because you truly are struggling. If he offers to handle the costs, let him.

And btw, he knows what expenses I have and how much I make, and how difficult it will be to find the money for the last year of school (as I wont have any loans then).

Knowing your financial situation and knowing that you would like help with your financial situation (at least on the dating side) are two different things. I've known quite a few people who struggled over the years and would not ask for or accept help from their significant others.

August 27, 2016

It's hard to say based on the information provided. He's definitely being guarded to some extent, but I wouldn't consider the money situation as a lack of serious interest. It's quite likely he's just going with the flow. You've always taken turns, so he keeps taking turns. You offer money, he accepts. He has made offers, you decline. Perhaps he thinks it's a pride issue for you.You should, because you truly are struggling. If he offers to handle the costs, let him.Knowing your financial situation and knowing that you would like help with your financial situation (at least on the dating side) are two different things. I've known quite a few people who struggled over the years and would not ask for or accept help from their significant others.

I wouldnt say that he offered help and I declined. He said if you cant afford the vacation, then you just get the ticket and I will cover the rest (that was while we were waiting at the airport on our 3rd vacation).

Then two months later, we were buying tickets for this vacation and when he booked the hotel, I asked if I should transfer him the money or bring cash later. He said you can give me the money once we are there. Did I have a choice?

August 27, 2016

I wouldnt say that he offered help and I declined. He said if you cant afford the vacation, then you just get the ticket and I will cover the rest (that was while we were waiting at the airport on our 3rd vacation).
Then two months later, we were buying tickets for this vacation and when he booked the hotel, I asked if I should transfer him the money or bring cash later. He said you can give me the money once we are there. Did I have a choice?

Yes. He previously offered to cover the costs. You then offered to contribute. You declined his offer to cover "the rest" by offering to contribute.

August 27, 2016

Yes. He previously offered to cover the costs. You then offered to contribute. You declined his offer to cover "the rest" by offering to contribute.

Well, if he really wanted to cover the costs, he could have said" you dont need to give me the money for the hotel, I got it." Sonce he accepted it, I would say he expected me to give him the money.

August 27, 2016

Well, if he really wanted to cover the costs, he could have said" you dont need to give me the money for the hotel, I got it." Sonce he accepted it, I would say he expected me to give him the money.

You're expecting him to decline what he probably believes is a genuine offer from you. He has no way of knowing your offers are not genuine. Give him the opportunity to handle the costs as he has previously offered. That will tell you where everything stands.

August 27, 2016

Hi Nicole,

I write this to try and help you get a more objective view of what's been happening with you by being direct. When I needed help, that's what cut through the clutter for me.

I wish you the best, but you need to start acting like you want the best for yourself if you're going to get it.

I don't think this guy is a perfect angel, but you can't make him behave a certain way, and you Can change how You behave.

Somehow, you seem to feel you're not playing games, but holy moly, you are playing a game with this guy called, "no, no, please don't.....Hey! Why the hell didn't you?". It generally leaves no room for either person to 'win'.

.... I wanted to show him that I don't care about his money.

Yeah, right, but the truth is that you do care. Be honest, quit playing this martyr game. Because in the very next sentence you say...

But now, I am worried that he doesnt care enough for me.

So, you do equate money spent with caring, at least in this circumstance. Probably in many circumstances. I do too! So do a lot of people. It is one way of gauging if someone is sharing burdens with you, wants to ease your way in life, or is willing to take your money to make their life easier.

I am not criticizing this - I am criticizing you putting up a false front. If this is really the way you're behaving with this guy, then I get why you're disappointed with his actions! He's following what you say, and that is making you feel neglected and sad.

And also, when we were planning this 4th vacation, he said that he would be ok to come over again because he wanted to see me and didnt care about the location.

What happened after this? It sounds like Y.o.u. suggested or pushed for a vacation away that you now say is making you broke. Well, that was Your choice and it is not fair for you to blame him for your choice. This is crappy, childish behavior on your part.

I would rather spend some time with someone closer too, but I cant choose who I like....

My oh my dear, I just don't believe you have tried very hard to find a guy more local, more in your lifestyle who you could spend physical time with more easily. You like this long-distance guy, but that does not mean you just can't find anyone worth dating in your city.

When I was your age, I also thought "I can't choose who I like". Well, I married her. She had many problems before I met her and ultimately she left me broke and homeless, and much later committed suicide. Though I tried with every effort I could muster, for many years, I could not make her whole.

I could have instead allowed myself to be happy.

So could you.

I Could have chosen to wish her well and seek a better chance at finding a relationship for myself that worked in my actual life. You could choose to look for a healthy relationship that works in your actual life. Please do. Don't choose to suffer the doubt, expense and loneliness of this particular long-distance relationship.

There is no reward waiting for you at the end of it. By your sacrifices, you are not earning love in the future... You are just feeling sad and doubtful. Yuck.

Seek companionship, fun and love for yourself that you can enjoy now

Part of making that happen is to be honest with yourself about what you want/expect/value from a relationship, and then seek it. It doesn't sound like you have found it yet.

Best Wishes, truly,

Sunlight

August 27, 2016

Hi Nicole,
I write this to try and help you get a more objective view of what's been happening with you by being direct. When I needed help, that's what cut through the clutter for me.

I wish you the best, but you need to start acting like you want the best for yourself if you're going to get it.

I don't think this guy is a perfect angel, but you can't make him behave a certain way, and you Can change how You behave.

Somehow, you seem to feel you're not playing games, but holy moly, you are playing a game with this guy called, "no, no, please don't.....Hey! Why the hell didn't you?". It generally leaves no room for either person to 'win'.Yeah, right, but the truth is that you do care. Be honest, quit playing this martyr game. Because in the very next sentence you say...So, you do equate money spent with caring, at least in this circumstance. Probably in many circumstances. I do too! So do a lot of people. It is one way of gauging if someone is sharing burdens with you, wants to ease your way in life, or is willing to take your money to make their life easier.

I am not criticizing this - I am criticizing you putting up a false front. If this is really the way you're behaving with this guy, then I get why you're disappointed with his actions! He's following what you say, and that is making you feel neglected and sad.What happened after this? It sounds like Y.o.u. suggested or pushed for a vacation away that you now say is making you broke. Well, that was Your choice and it is not fair for you to blame him for your choice. This is crappy, childish behavior on your part.My oh my dear, I just don't believe you have tried very hard to find a guy more local, more in your lifestyle who you could spend physical time with more easily. You like this long-distance guy, but that does not mean you just can't find anyone worth dating in your city.

When I was your age, I also thought "I can't choose who I like". Well, I married her. She had many problems before I met her and ultimately she left me broke and homeless, and much later committed suicide. Though I tried with every effort I could muster, for many years, I could not make her whole.

I could have instead allowed myself to be happy.

So could you.

I Could have chosen to wish her well and seek a better chance at finding a relationship for myself that worked in my actual life. You could choose to look for a healthy relationship that works in your actual life. Please do. Don't choose to suffer the doubt, expense and loneliness of this particular long-distance relationship.

There is no reward waiting for you at the end of it. By your sacrifices, you are not earning love in the future... You are just feeling sad and doubtful. Yuck.

Seek companionship, fun and love for yourself that you can enjoy now

Part of making that happen is to be honest with yourself about what you want/expect/value from a relationship, and then seek it. It doesn't sound like you have found it yet.

Best Wishes, truly,
Sunlight

Oh wow, thanks for taking time to read and reply. I am sorry to hear what happened to you. I know I should probably leave because even after putting so much effort I dont feel satisfied. And there were guys who made me feel happy and I didnt really had to do anything.

But I go to school full time and also work full time. I dont meet people, and dont have time to go out. And, it is hard for me to fall in love quickly. I have a very specific taste in men (and I am not talking about physical features).

August 27, 2016

Have you ever been to his home? You mention staying at a hotel when you visited his town, which is fine. But you don't seem to know much about this guy. For all you know he's married and claiming these vacations he takes with you are business trips.

Regardless, let's keep it simple, you should not be in an arrangement you can't afford. Running up credit card bills to cover vacations you can't pay for? That's just incredibly bad judgement! In the OP you said it felt like vacations with an FWB. Find someone local. Honestly, anyone else would be a better choice than what you describe.

August 27, 2016

I go to school full time and also work full time. I dont meet people, and dont have time to go out. And, it is hard for me to fall in love quickly. I have a very specific taste in men (and I am not talking about physical features).

How did you meet this guy?

August 27, 2016

Have you ever been to his home? You mention staying at a hotel when you visited his town, which is fine. But you don't seem to know much about this guy. For all you know he's married and claiming these vacations he takes with you are business trips.

Regardless, let's keep it simple, you should not be in an arrangement you can't afford. Running up credit card bills to cover vacations you can't pay for? That's just incredibly bad judgement! In the OP you said it felt like vacations with an FWB. Find someone local. Honestly, anyone else would be a better choice than what you describe.

When did I say he was married? He is not married. He lives with his brother who is married and he invited me to stay over in their house but I picked a hotel instead as I wasnt comfortable with his brother and brother's wife being around.

He also went to a cruise with his family recently and invited me to come with them but I was in school and declined the offer. He invited me to his birthday as well, and his whole family, friends and cousins were there. Of course, I didnt go but I appreciate the invitation.

August 27, 2016

How did you meet this guy?

I met him on a vacation a year ago (same hotel we went to just now). We talked for about 8 months before I decided to go and visit him. Then he wanted to visit me and here we are.

August 28, 2016

Have you ever been to his home? You mention staying at a hotel when you visited his town, which is fine. But you don't seem to know much about this guy. For all you know he's married and claiming these vacations he takes with you are business trips.

Regardless, let's keep it simple, you should not be in an arrangement you can't afford. Running up credit card bills to cover vacations you can't pay for? That's just incredibly bad judgement! In the OP you said it felt like vacations with an FWB. Find someone local. Honestly, anyone else would be a better choice than what you describe.

I apologize I misunderstood what you said. You were saying it is one of the possiblities that he is married since I dont know him that well. Sorry...

September 16, 2016

Can you please tell me your opinion about these text messages. Short story, I felt like my long distance bf is not putting as much effort into our relationship as before and I mentioned it once. Things have improved a little but not much. And what is worse, before he got distant he warned me that he will be really busy and stressed and wont have the time to talk to me. That only made me feel worse, because I can understand if someone is busy but cant understand short and cold messages. For example, he would wake up at 7am but the first time he would text me would be 1pm. And yes, we were only texting never called each other. I tried breaking up once but he told me all the reasons he was stressed out and I ended up apologizing. But after that I felt like I am not a priority, just a girl he will see when he is done with all his projects and work. I told him I was done and this is what he responded.

Me: I cant continue this anymore. I feel bad in this relationship... if I have to wonder how you feel or want... why stay. Long distance is already hard enough without all of these. Thanks for great moments. Wish you all the best.

He: I am sorry this isnt working for you. It hurts because my feeling towards you have not changed but after our last conversation I saw this coming. Thank you for great memories as well. I dont want this to be an end

Me: I already asked you be more open with me but that never happened. I am not even sure if you have feeling for me.

Him: i do have feelings but I dont show them well. This does happen to me when I am stressed out. But it is not fair to you that I shut down emotionally when I deal with stress. It is my copying mechanism. It is not your fault and not what you need. I care about you and want you to be happy and if I cant provide that I am not going to ask you to wait to change that.

My question is: I feel like he wanted this. He didnt even try to keep me and whatever he said sounds like BS, it is not you it is me. I am falling apart right now but I am also angry at myself, at him... just cant understand how a person can go from loving, caring and affectionate to "yeah, sorry I am busy."

Am I right? And also what he meant by "I dont want this to be an end?"

September 16, 2016

Advice - don't conduct relationships over text, nor see texting as some kind of indicator of how the relationship is going.

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Does he ever care?

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