Does he ever care?

[Nicole10]

Hi everyone

I am heartbroken and would try to keep this short. So we are in a long distance relationship. We met on a vacation and after 6 months of being in touch I visited him in his city (2000 miles away and it was my decision to visit him). Two months later he visited me and as soon as he was on his way back home he asked me when we can meet again. We met within the next two months again and it was wonderful. I asked him how he feels about us and then he said that he would really like for us to work out. And that it will be difficult but we can meet every 3 months and once I am doNe with school I can move to his state (in 2 years). I mentioned the money issue as I am a student and he said he could help or we can do cheaper things.

 

Well, this week we went on our 4th vacation and he seemed little less interested in me (even though it was great and we were kissing and holding hands all the time).I asked him how he feels about us now. I said that I dont want to get too atrached before I knew what he thinks. He said that he was already attached and our conversation got interrupted at this point. At the airport, I brought it up again and he said that he would like to keep doing what we are doing and see where it goes. However, he seemed indifferent (pretty much like I dont mind going on vacations every few months). I told him that was not enough for me and I need him to really want it because it is extremely difficult for me to afford all of this. He said that he DOES want it, but he knows that seeing each other every 3 months will be an issue and he wasnt sure if our relationship can survive that.

I understand what he was saying but two months ago he had a completely different attitude. He listed possible problems and offered solutions. Now, he was like yeah sure, lets see what happens. I didnt say anything else and he told me to think about it. When I landed he texted me that he already missed me and kept texting as usual.

 

My question is: is it worth it? Should I keep seeing him. I am a student and I dont have enough money or time to keep doing this. However, if he showed me that he really cared and wanted for us to work out, I would have found a way to continue seeing him. I am already in love with him, and making the relationship a priority is not a big deal for me. But now I have doubts about him.

Edited August 25, 2016 by Nicole10

[Nicole10]

Not sure if this helps but I want to add it too. While we were on a vacation, every single time he left me for 5-10minutes, some guy would come and hit on me. It is not that I am sooo attractive, it was just a kind of place where everyone was drunk and looking to have some fun. I thought maybe, he got insecure and all of a sudden three months of not seeing each other would be a big deal.

 

And another thing that really annoyed me is that we split the costs 50/50. He paid for some extra things but not too much and in the end when I told him to keep some of my money he actually said ok (knowing that I am a poor student with too many expenses).

[Nicole10]

Anyone?

[Toodaloo]

You have already made you mind up.

 

Do you want validation? I don't think you need us to say anything because you already know what you are going to do don't you.

[salparadise]

Are you really thinking of putting your decision in the hands of whomever posts here and gives an opinion? Nobody can make the decision for you. However, I will give you an opinion about a few things...

 

1. Your insecurities are going to doom this. You can't keep hounding him about how he feels, looking for assurances that he can't give. That will run anybody off, of either gender.

 

2. He says his feelings are strong, and he backs it up by following through. But you have the notion that he doesn't seem as intense as he once did. That's natural after the first few months in any relationship. You can't read his mind and if he says he's attached and committed you should take him at his word... unless specific actions run contrary to that. On some level, relationship are about trust and belief in your partner. If you can't trust and believe in him that's your problem not his.

 

3. LDRs are difficult. Both have to be willing to make the sacrifice and be highly committed or it will fail. If you're having serious doubts already, there's a crack in the foundation. Have you been this insecure with other guys before him?

 

4. Being a student is your circumstance and he's tolerating it. As far as I can tell you're a fully functioning, responsible human being. How do you rationalize that he should be paying your way? Perhaps he's doing the best he can to support himself, keep the bills paid, etc. If I were him I wouldn't be looking to take on a dependent either. Bottom line is, he's not taking your to raise. He's not responsible for your circumstances, helping to put you through school, etc. You're just dating. If you're looking for a sugar-daddy, he's not it.

[Ami1uwant]

Long distances are tough. How much do you talk between meet ups via text or video chat???

 

Don't know enough about what's going on with him..he could be stresed about his jb or something else he hasn't talked about.

[Nicole10]

I just got back from vacation and I do want to talk to him again and ask him the specific question: why two months ago he was more optimistic and now he is like lets keep seeing each other and see what happens. But yes, I promised myself that if a guy ever leaves me doubting things I am out.

I do need your perspective as I thought maybe I was unreasonable and his fears are actually more realistic than my fantasies of happy ending.

[Nicole10]

Long distances are tough. How much do you talk between meet ups via text or video chat???

 

Don't know enough about what's going on with him..he could be stresed about his jb or something else he hasn't talked about.

 

We talk daily. Actually, we text few times a day, like good morning, then few times throughout the day and good night. He has been mostly initiated the conversations for the last year. In the beginning he was texting me a lot of jokes and funny pics. He does that much less now but I guess that is normal after a year of being in touch. He is stressed with work but I think he was stressed before too.

[Nicole10]

Are you really thinking of putting your decision in the hands of whomever posts here and gives an opinion? Nobody can make the decision for you. However, I will give you an opinion about a few things...

 

1. Your insecurities are going to doom this. You can't keep hounding him about how he feels, looking for assurances that he can't give. That will run anybody off, of either gender.

 

2. He says his feelings are strong, and he backs it up by following through. But you have the notion that he doesn't seem as intense as he once did. That's natural after the first few months in any relationship. You can't read his mind and if he says he's attached and committed you should take him at his word... unless specific actions run contrary to that. On some level, relationship are about trust and belief in your partner. If you can't trust and believe in him that's your problem not his.

 

3. LDRs are difficult. Both have to be willing to make the sacrifice and be highly committed or it will fail. If you're having serious doubts already, there's a crack in the foundation. Have you been this insecure with other guys before him?

 

4. Being a student is your circumstance and he's tolerating it. As far as I can tell you're a fully functioning, responsible human being. How do you rationalize that he should be paying your way? Perhaps he's doing the best he can to support himself, keep the bills paid, etc. If I were him I wouldn't be looking to take on a dependent either. Bottom line is, he's not taking your to raise. He's not responsible for your circumstances, helping to put you through school, etc. You're just dating. If you're looking for a sugar-daddy, he's not it.

 

I dont expect him to put me through school, but he is doing pretty well. He has his own business and he even makes money while on vacation. On the other haNd, I have a part time job, and I dont make anything while I am off from work. I dont want him to pay my expenses but paying a dinner or two more than I do wouldnt kill him, if he cares.

I was not insecure with other guys and I dont think that I kept asking him. But after four meeting I think it is fair to know where we stand. I think it is important to have some sort of a plan and how we see ourselves in few years.

Otherwise, we are just friends with benefits who are vacationing together.

As for his feelings, the only thing he said was that he was already attached to me, and that it is more than just a physical attraction. However, he cant promise me anything (I wasnt expecting a promise, just a desire to make this work).

[salparadise]

I said that I dont want to get too atrached before I knew what he thinks.

 

I told him that was not enough for me and I need him to really want it because it is extremely difficult for me to afford all of this. He said that he DOES want it, but he knows that seeing each other every 3 months will be an issue and he wasnt sure if our relationship can survive that.

 

It sounds like you're looking for some kind of guarantee while holding him at arms length. He's being more realistic and tolerant of the ambiguity. He can't give you the assurances you're pressing for, and he's being straight with you about it. He's taking a let's continue and hope for the best attitude. He can't fix the situation or your insecurities. You have to own your half of the deal.

[Nicole10]

It sounds like you're looking for some kind of guarantee while holding him at arms length. He's being more realistic and tolerant of the ambiguity. He can't give you the assurances you're pressing for, and he's being straight with you about it. He's taking a let's continue and hope for the best attitude. He can't fix the situation or your insecurities. You have to own your half of the deal.

 

Lets continue and hope for the best (but I cant give you any quarantees) is exactly what he said.

I understand that part. There is nothing much we can do. I cant transfer to another school, he cant leave his state because of his business (and madet it very clear).

But what bothers me is his attitude. On our last vacation, he did say lets continue this until it makes sense. But, he was then convincing me that we can see each other every two/three months and it will be fine. And another year will just fly by.

All of a sudden, he is telling me that not seeing each other might be an issue and he cant make any promises that this will work.

[salparadise]

I dont expect him to put me through school, but he is doing pretty well. He has his own business and he even makes money while on vacation. On the other haNd, I have a part time job, and I dont make anything while I am off from work. I dont want him to pay my expenses but paying a dinner or two more than I do wouldnt kill him, if he cares.

 

You must be doing ok yourself or you wouldn't have been able to take four vacations while paying for school and working part-time. I agree that it wouldn't hurt him to make sure he carries a little more than half if he's well off, but splitting expenses is NOT indicative of whether he cares. Splitting is normal and what most people would expect, however, you seem to be attaching a lot more meaning. Faulty thinking, imho.

 

This relationship has not progressed to the point where you're merging your lives, commingling finances, etc., etc. You're wanting him to be there before you are... you're sitting on the fence thinking about bailing out because he's not giving the assurances you want, and not paying your way. There is significant ambiguity and while he's tolerating it pretty well, it's causing you a lot of angst.

 

I think you should do whatever your instincts are telling you. But I also think you should quit attaching meaning to things that don't indicate such.

[Nicole10]

You must be doing ok yourself or you wouldn't have been able to take four vacations while paying for school and working part-time. I agree that it wouldn't hurt him to make sure he carries a little more than half if he's well off, but splitting expenses is NOT indicative of whether he cares. Splitting is normal and what most people would expect, however, you seem to be attaching a lot more meaning. Faulty thinking, imho.

 

This relationship has not progressed to the point where you're merging your lives, commingling finances, etc., etc. You're wanting him to be there before you are... you're sitting on the fence thinking about bailing out because he's not giving the assurances you want, and not paying your way. There is significant ambiguity and while he's tolerating it pretty well, it's causing you a lot of angst.

 

I think you should do whatever your instincts are telling you. But I also think you should quit attaching meaning to things that don't indicate such.

 

Ok, I am going to stop overthinking money part. I know that he also does not want to spend on a girl he has no idea he will see ever again.

But I still need to know why he changed his attitude about our relationship (without being too clingy or pressuring him).

 

As for doing pretty well myself... I wish. I make only enough to pay for rent, car payments and a hospital bill every month. I am paying my school with student loans and vacations with credit cards. I know, not the smartetst thing to do but as soon as I graduate I should be able to find a well-paid job.

Edited August 25, 2016 by Nicole10

[mortensorchid]

LDR ... I've done two of them in my lifetime (one the right way, the other the wrong way), I had a former friend of mine who also did one, and I have this to say about them:

 

If you are not seeing each other at least once a month, you tend to do a lot of fantasizing that the person is perfect and the place they live is perfect. Then when you are together (however frequent that may or may not be), you are packing in a weekend of unbelievable fun and you are in this rush to jump in the sack (we're all adults here, I can say that). And in those months/weeks that you are apart, what are you doing? As in, what are you BOTH doing that you may or may not be sharing with each other or us on this forum? Chances are ... Well, chances are, aren't they?

 

Are you hoping that he will one day say "move to be with me in my city"? If so, has he said ANYTHING towards that? I'm here to tell you that if he has not made one move or had a single thought towards the possibility of your being there or his being with you, or, dare I say it, he hasn't come to see you once in your city, this is a waste of time. And I am also here to tell you that if one party puts pressure on the other to make a decision, one's going to run.

 

Also, is this man a prince or is he just convenient? Does either one of you want to move for a legitimate reason or something else?

[Nicole10]

LDR ... I've done two of them in my lifetime (one the right way, the other the wrong way), I had a former friend of mine who also did one, and I have this to say about them:

 

If you are not seeing each other at least once a month, you tend to do a lot of fantasizing that the person is perfect and the place they live is perfect. Then when you are together (however frequent that may or may not be), you are packing in a weekend of unbelievable fun and you are in this rush to jump in the sack (we're all adults here, I can say that). And in those months/weeks that you are apart, what are you doing? As in, what are you BOTH doing that you may or may not be sharing with each other or us on this forum? Chances are ... Well, chances are, aren't they?

 

Are you hoping that he will one day say "move to be with me in my city"? If so, has he said ANYTHING towards that? I'm here to tell you that if he has not made one move or had a single thought towards the possibility of your being there or his being with you, or, dare I say it, he hasn't come to see you once in your city, this is a waste of time. And I am also here to tell you that if one party puts pressure on the other to make a decision, one's going to run.

 

Also, is this man a prince or is he just convenient? Does either one of you want to move for a legitimate reason or something else?

These are really good questions.

Did he ever hinted that I should move to his city? Yes. The first time, it was on our 3rd vacation when I asked what he wanted. He said to keep seeing me and after I am done with school we can move in together. Then, on this last vacation, I asked what is next, after the vacation is over and he said that he would move out of his state if he could but he is really tied to it because of his company and all kind of insurances, etc. Then, he asked me if I wpuld move there once I am sone with school. And I told him that I would as nothing really holds me in my current city.

Did he visit me? Yes, our second vacation. We spent 4 days in my city, doing all sort of fun things. And also, when we were planning this 4th vacation, he said that he would be ok to come over again because he wanted to see me and didnt care about the location.

Do I want to move over for a legitimate reasons? Well, I started liking him a lot. When I met him first, I wasnt much interested. But he was persistent and I got to know him and I just enjoy spending time with him. He has his flaws but so far it does not bother me as much.

Edited August 25, 2016 by Nicole10

[Nicole10]

Also, I should mention that on our third vacation, he introduced me to one of his best friends who lives in the city where we were vacationing and invited him and his gf to hang out with us that evening. He also, rented a boat and we did a lot of other fun things (he does these things very often and for free pretty much so I am sure he wanted to make it enjoyable for me.) Anyway that was on our previous vacation. This time he didnt put as much effort and I also got this not so optimistic attitude about the future.

[SoThatHappened]

Why would you want to be committed to someone when:

 

- you only see him 4 times a year?

- it's a financial burden on you?

- he has "flaws" that don't bother you so much after only 4 meetups?

- he seems less interested after only 4 meetups?

 

I'd go for someone you can actually spend quality time with, without having to travel thousands of miles. But, that's me.

[Nicole10]

Why would you want to be committed to someone when:

 

- you only see him 4 times a year?

- it's a financial burden on you?

- he has "flaws" that don't bother you so much after only 4 meetups?

- he seems less interested after only 4 meetups?

 

I'd go for someone you can actually spend quality time with, without having to travel thousands of miles. But, that's me.

I would rather spend some time with someone closer too, but I cant choose who I like. I am not sure if he was less interested or just distracted with work or got more comfortable and is not trying to impress me anymore.

I liked how he was eager to arrange the next meeting after our second date. Or how he wanted to this work.

But now I am shocked with "not sure what is gonna happen."

[salparadise]

Why would you want to be committed to someone when:

 

- you only see him 4 times a year?

- it's a financial burden on you?

- he has "flaws" that don't bother you so much after only 4 meetups?

- he seems less interested after only 4 meetups?

 

I'd go for someone you can actually spend quality time with, without having to travel thousands of miles. But, that's me.

 

 

If the chemistry, compatibility, synergy and genuine feelings of love are present they will trump inconvenience. If they aren't there, or aren't indefatigable then inconvenience and three month stretches of lonely nights will cause it to fail under its own weight. The latter happens eventually in 98 percent of LDRs.

 

This is something OP has to figure out for herself. I assume she's about 20 since she has two years of school left. It takes experience to know the difference between infatuation and love.

 

My heart sank when I saw that she is putting her travel expenses on credit cards. If I were her daddy I'd kick her butt. The odds are overwhelming that the debt created by relationship will still be hanging on years after they've thrown in the towel on the relationship itself. But this is another one of those live and learn moments.

 

OP is in love, is running up her credit cards, and has her foot half way out the door... all at the same time. He must be special indeed.

[Nicole10]

If the chemistry, compatibility, synergy and genuine feelings of love are present they will trump inconvenience. If they aren't there, or aren't indefatigable then inconvenience and three month stretches of lonely nights will cause it to fail under its own weight. The latter happens eventually in 98 percent of LDRs.

 

This is something OP has to figure out for herself. I assume she's about 20 since she has two years of school left. It takes experience to know the difference between infatuation and love.

 

My heart sank when I saw that she is putting her travel expenses on credit cards. If I were her daddy I'd kick her butt. The odds are overwhelming that the debt created by relationship will still be hanging on years after they've thrown in the towel on the relationship itself. But this is another one of those live and learn moments.

 

OP is in love, is running up her credit cards, and has her foot half way out the door... all at the same time. He must be special indeed.

 

Thanks for your response

I am actually 24. I just had to put school on pause in the past as I had health problems (therefore medical bills I am still paying for). And I do not have any family, only friends I can turn to. Pretty much on my own for the last 7 years. Besides the idea of using my credit cards to travel, I consider myself to be a pretty responsible adult. And when it comes to my bf's flaws, I would say a lack of generosity (taking us back to splitting costs). I like treating people helping people and giving money away (when I have it). I guess he is the opposite.

Edited August 25, 2016 by Nicole10

[Nicole10]

Btw, today is the first day after the vacation and he never texted me or called. The last time he texted was when he landed last night and to say that he missed me and good night.

I know he has a busy day at work today but he was online few times already. Maybe, he is waiting for things to cool off a bit, but it makes my heart sink.

[katiegrl]

 

But now I am shocked with "not sure what is gonna happen."

 

No one ever knows what's gonna happen, even when they live ten minutes away!

 

Take a chance, take a risk!

 

If it doesn't work out, what's the worst that will happen? Will you die? NO.

 

You get up and shake it off and carry on.

 

There are never ever ANY guarantees when it comes to love and RLs. EVER.

 

Short distance, long distance, EVER.

 

He is 100% right. Continue seeing each other and spending time and hope for the best.

 

That's all you can do, it's all ANYONE can do. Again whether 2000 miles away or 2 miles away.

[Nicole10]

No one ever knows what's gonna happen, even when they live ten minutes away!

 

Take a chance, take a risk!

 

If it doesn't work out, what's the worst that will happen? Will you die? NO.

 

You get up and shake it off and carry on.

 

There are never ever ANY guarantees when it comes to love and RLs. EVER.

 

Short distance, long distance, EVER.

 

He is 100% right. Continue seeing each other and spending time and hope for the best.

 

That's all you can do, it's all ANYONE can do. Again whether 2000 miles away or 2 miles away.

I know but I wanted him to show more enhusiasm. He even said "am I looking to the next three months of not seeing you in perrson? No."

I told him a story of my friend whose girlfriend is ready to leave her dream job where she makes a fortune and move in with him. Then, when he has his life together, they are going back to her country. That is some sort of agreement and plan regarding their LDR. I guess I was looking for something more reassuring.

[Leigh 87]

He sounds like no good.

 

Look, I am a very generous person and I really.. for the life of me, I just do not understand how a man who is WELL OFF and is DOING WELL for himself financially - would want to split it strictly down the middle.

 

A man who is well off can darn well afford to treat a girl he is REALLY into, to dinner dates. Unless he has massive debt that you are not aware of beyond simple student loans and a mortgage and/orchild support. Even then, a well off person an afford to be the one to treat a student to dinner dates.

 

Sorry but no, it is not normal or desirable for well off men to get their student gf to pay HALF of EVERYTHING, when she earns less.

 

If my bf was a student and I earnt a decent wage, no way would I want him to pay his share! It is just common decency man...

 

He sounds stingy.

 

I dislike un - generous men and do not date them. I prefer a man who WANTS TO and ENJOYS spoiling me ( I Just make sure to also do my bit and spoil him back of course).

 

If he truly fell for you by now, he would be offering to fly you over there regularly.

 

Heck.. even my Irish ex who wasn't even that into me flew me over accross the country and paid for all my meals - and he was not even that into me....

[Leigh 87]

Thanks for your response

I am actually 24. I just had to put school on pause in the past as I had health problems (therefore medical bills I am still paying for). And I do not have any family, only friends I can turn to. Pretty much on my own for the last 7 years. Besides the idea of using my credit cards to travel, I consider myself to be a pretty responsible adult. And when it comes to my bf's flaws, I would say a lack of generosity (taking us back to splitting costs). I like treating people helping people and giving money away (when I have it). I guess he is the opposite.

 

It is going to feel very unbalanced if you are a generous person and he is not.

 

I am not suggesting that a guy pay your way in life; sure, a woman should split the cost of generous living based on / in commensurate to BOTH your incomes.

 

You are studying so you WILL be able to pay your way in life.

 

However, I find it super yuck and a major turn off how he splits the cost of DATES and stuff. The guy is a success, yet he wants to go dutch on a simple dinner date? How sad.

 

Again - I am NOT suggesting that women mooch of men and get them to pay their way ENTIRELY - I am just talking about romance, dates and the like; especially if a guy earns FAR MORE. Not wanting to treat you to a simple meal most of the time when he has done well, and you are working your butt off at college ( which btw, is WAY HARDER than any job I have held.. I am doing med atm at college and NOT loving life at all right now, as the study is way wayyyyy harder then any normal job).

 

My former bf would love to reward me for all my hard work at college.. he would offer occasional hair cuts, beauty treatments, new clothes as he new I couldn't afford to live comfortable and wanted to make me feel good.

 

I just don't see how a generous person such as yourself would be satisfied with a guy who does well for himself yet doesn't enjoy/feed the need to spoil his own gf to basic meals and dates. Nothing fancy or expensive about that stuff.