Jonny12 Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 Hi all, Firstly I appologise if you get this kind of thing a lot but I've trying something new here and seeing if anyone can help. So a little bit of background... came out of a 4 year relatonship around christmas, not much drama on my part and have been feeling pretty unscathed since, enjoying single life a lot and maybe sleeping with around 20 girls. Then I met a girl whilst working abroad and we ended up spending about 3 weeks straight together before she had to go back to the US. It moved pretty quickly and we both thought that we'd never clicked with someone this well after such a short period of time (she was the main verbaliser of these feelings and I played it pretty cool, despite intense feeling like I've never had before I was confident in my ability to meet other women if it went wrong) but we don't live too far appart so in 2 months or so planned to see each other and start something up. We carried on talking for maybe a month afterwards and the feelings grew, it seemed on both parts. Then suddenly I had a complete mind ****ing. She went quiet and when I asked what was up she said that she has to see her ex of 3 years at work and had started having feelings for him again. She said she is very confused and despite never falling so quickly for someone as she did me etc etc... She is seeing this guy on a daily basis at work and needs time to think about what she wants. It was left at she needs to see if she really does still have feelings for him and she can't talk to me whilst she figures that out, but then finished with let me know when you're coming home... I acted uneedy, said I understood, and told her to sort her head out, despite feeling like throwing my phone at a truck and then jumping in front of it This was yesterday and I'm trying to follow the standard advice, no contact, get on with life meet other girls, dont think about her. So I guess my question is what action to take. Obviously I'm up against the odds here: 3 weeks vs 3 years, sees her everyday vs in different continents. Even when I'm home it'll be a 8 hour drive so not exactly like I'm gonna bump into her. I really feel like this is a rare encounter and one worth trying to make work, so I want to win her over, plus competitivness has kicked in and I want to beat this other man. I will be back in the US within a couple of weeks. So I need a game plan... Ideas? 1
Satu Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 snip I really feel like this is a rare encounter and one worth trying to make work, so I want to win her over, plus competitivness has kicked in and I want to beat this other man. I will be back in the US within a couple of weeks. So I need a game plan... Ideas? From my journal: "Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before. Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before. By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future. The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if that appeals to you. 'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do." Bottom line: Trying to 'win' someone who's not over their ex, is a losing game. Take care. 2
Author Jonny12 Posted September 16, 2016 Author Posted September 16, 2016 The last thing I wanted to hear but of course you're absolutely right. How did I not see it that way, its funny how illogical you can become after this sort of thing. Well thanks for giving me a proper perspective on this, god knows where I would have ended up carry on with that thinking. And its funny how people have told me this kind of thing in real life but for some reason I didn't listen, yet somehow your words made it completely clear. 1
Buddhist Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 (edited) I really feel like this is a rare encounter and one worth trying to make work, so I want to win her over, plus competitivness has kicked in and I want to beat this other man. I will be back in the US within a couple of weeks. So I need a game plan... Ideas? You might want to realise other people aren't trophies to win. There's a start. So it seems that acting uninvested, so cool with dating anyone, hey I'm not all that into you lady was a bit of a bad idea since it just left an open door for someone else to move on in. In short you failed to seal the deal and romeo over there decided to take advantage of that opportunity. Horse bolted, now trying to close the gate. Edited September 16, 2016 by Buddhist 1
leogirl876 Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 You might want to realise other people aren't trophies to win. There's a start. So it seems that acting uninvested, so cool with dating anyone, hey I'm not all that into you lady was a bit of a bad idea since it just left an open door for someone else to move on in. In short you failed to seal the deal and romeo over there decided to take advantage of that opportunity. Horse bolted, now trying to close the gate. That is true! If you put someone on a pedestal, that means they are looking down on you. Just be cool, treat this girl with respect and it works out then great, if not, that's ok too. The best thing you can do is work on inner confidence, that is the hottest thing in the world to women. 1
Author Jonny12 Posted September 17, 2016 Author Posted September 17, 2016 Ok this has given me something else to think about, but I should mention that even I now think I sound like a bit of a dick in my 1st post and it doesn't really represent the situation. I didn't act like I wasn't in to her, she knows I am and we seemed to be on the same page, I just wanted to emphasise that she was the one that first said how much she was into me and still says she is. When she told me she needed to see if she loved the other guy I again said how much I liked her. I suppose I was trying to save my ego as well by acting aloof on here. And I think I was trying to find what I'd consider to be s socially acceptable way for a man to chase her "beat the other guy". When really I just want to be with her because I've fallen for her. Maybe there is some truth in that trophy pedalstool thing, but this has now made me question whether I did something wrong, I don't think I either came on to strong or too aloof, although maybe I let her know how much o was missing her too much and should have just focused on enjoying my life? Now I'm wondering, is the ex of 3 years thing a real excuse, to her I said "fair enough, I understand, you've got to see if you still want to be with him" is this the right attitude, should I have said that? Or if it was really real then would she have chosen me over him?
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