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Need Perspective from Guys and/or those who have been cheated on

sashafierce

By sashafierce
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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sashafierce New Member

sashafierce

Posted
Posted

I want to know why my ex has to keep around this girl to be his "friend" even though he said he's not wanting to date anyone until he gets his life together. This girl even knows that he's not wanting to date anyone, me or her. We broke up because he doesn't have his life together, and it was making me miserable, and I was making him miserable for not having it together. I've also made the grave mistake of cheating on him and absolutely breaking his heart during the worst of it... I'm certainly not proud and back on the straight and narrow path. He gave me a second chance, but I don't think he has forgiven me yet... :(

 

This girl has been trying to get with him during the end of our relationship when he was really miserable and unhappy being in our relationship. When he realized that he could potentially be interested in someone else, he ended it. After EVERYTHING that I did after he gave me a second chance! It really hurts my feelings that he needs the comfort of this girl and even "hooked up with her" after we broke up. I said that really hurts and I didn't think he was that type of guy. He said it was a huge mistake, but who really knows. He even had the nerve to say, "Well, I guess you can call us even now." When he sees me in person, I can tell he misses me and my touch - but how can I even touch him again? I'm trying to elevate myself from my mistake and just become wholesome again. He just brought himself down to where I was! :sick:

 

This is after he sends me emails saying that he's depressed and experienced some break downs unpacking some of the boxes that held items with our memories. Here is an excerpt:

 

"Today at the hospital I saw an old man pushing his wife in a wheel chair, she had lost a leg from the knee down. I thought about what if that was you, and I got really sad because I know I would of stayed next to you no matter what, physical ailments not changing my love. But then I pictured myself in that wheel chair instead. In my head it was a lonely existence with no one around to care or help. I know that would of been my reality if I had stayed with you.

 

I always loved you so much more."

 

How can he hook up with this girl after sending me things like that? He's NOT trying to get back with me (at least not now). I know we still love and care about each other, but I thought this breakup will be good for the both of us to learn and grow separately and in a healthy way. I'm just really devastated, and I can't stop festering about this relationship with the girl.

 

Perhaps someone can give me perspective from either a guy's point of view or someone who has been cheated on? Is this some type of pseudo-revenge? :(

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted

He likes the attention and she hasn't cheated so he feels better when she is around.

 

Leave them both alone.

 

That email to you tells me that he felt very alone and unloved when you were in his life. I don't think he regrets breaking up with you but he is going through the emotions and feelings of loss that we all do at such times.

 

Time for you to cut contact and let him move on and get together with this other girl.

  • Like 3
Asterix Member

Asterix

Posted
Posted

I have been in a toxic relationship where we B/U numerous of times. We simply could not live with or without each other and loved each other deeply. In between we both had several rebound relationships to fill the void and make each other jealous. When we flew into each others arms again the other relationships where not relevant. After two years we finally broke up because of unresolved issues.

 

I am not saying you have a toxic relationship but from my experience a bond between two people can be very strong. In our situation we both new that the rebounders didn't stand a change. You can judge the behavior but I bluntly tell it the way it is.

 

The main point is: do you want him back? In his message he is clearly reaching out to you but you also broke up with him because he doesn't have his life together. In my perspective a logic reason to break up. But has he changed? Don't end up in a toxic relation like I did.

aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

Posted
Posted

That relationship you're describing has all the Hallmarks of being unhealthy, dysfunctional and toxic. There's not many folks here that would suggest it would be wise to bother trying to save it.

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sashafierce New Member

sashafierce

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks, Asterix. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I've been obsessing over the wrong thing. To me, I felt like hooking up is a violation of the love we have for each other. I'm just the type of girl who gets physical after a lot of emotional connection.

 

The root cause of our problem was that we simply fell out of sync in life.

 

In the 4 years that we've been together, I got my MBA, got a job and even bought a house under my name. He's literally stayed the same. It got to the point where I couldn't related to him anymore, and that my conversations with him became stale. I wanted to experience LIFE! And he just wanted to stay at home. Not improving, not learning.

 

It' hurts so much - I had so much hope for him, for us. He was so bright eyed when we first met! Even after the cheating, I paid for couples counseling hoping that he can finally understand what I needed from him, and vice versa. Eventually, I started not respecting him and it really hurt his feelings when I would "talk down to him". I just wanted to help and inspire him, but there is nothing that I can do. Not once has he truly apologized for all the hurt that he's caused me. I'm always the one to blame. The ratio for saying I'm sorry is 10 to 2. I've done SO much to my capabilities to help him. We lived with a friend of mine while my house was being renovated, and she can even tell that I've been doing all that I could and he was just... making excuses and not doing what he should be doing.

 

I don't want it to be toxic. I'm seeking counseling, hanging out with friends and family, and picking up new hobbies and focusing on work. I'm not going out there to get external validation for myself -- that's not fair for me and others. I'm still healing from the big mistake that I made when I cheated - that damaged my soul and crushed his heart. I don't feel proud.

 

Honestly, I have hopes in getting back together with him but I'm not so sure that he'll change. It just HURTS right now that he's not seeking me. I know he's going through a lot right now since we broke up and having to move out. Knowing that he's not as financially stable as me (he doesn't work but collects the GI bill and grants. I was pretty much sustaining a standard of living.), seeking for his first real job soon (while not taking the effort to prepare his resume and experience during the past years) and I guess making more friends (he has like 1-2 friends only). He's also way older than the undergrad class since he's a late bloomer.

 

He's tried a couple of times to reach out when I decided NC, but I flew off the handle and pushed him away. He went from saying "I NEVER want to get back together with you." to "I don't want a relationship with you" to "We should be friends and get to know each other again. I'm not ready to date anyone right now, but there is a possibility in the future when we both change". This last time we tried talking again, I found out he hooked up with that girl, and I flew off the handled once again. Right now we are NC, but he says he'll talk to me in a couple weeks to make sure I am OK.

 

I just can't seem to understand his grieving process and what he's doing.

Asterix Member

Asterix

Posted
Posted

Respect for your very honest response. I think between the lines you gave the answer about if you should move on or not. You should.

 

He still hasn't got his life together and that was the reason you broke up in the first place. Like mentioned before, I think this is a very valid reason. Secondly you are still dealing with guilt about the fact you cheated. We all make mistakes. But there comes a point a point that you should leave it behind. You clearly moved on. He hasn't.

 

Stop looking in the rear view mirror. Look at the big window ahead of you. Makes life a lot more easy

 

- English is not my native language. Sorry for the spelling errors

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

I'm a woman, but I've been cheated on by a long-term partner.

 

It forever alters the way you see the cheater, and leaves a lasting wound. He probably never would be able to completely forgive you. That very base-level trust which forms the foundation of a relationship is suddenly fractured. It's a very damaging experience for the betrayed and even if we want to move past it, it haunts us. Even when we think we have moved past it, something will trigger a bad memory and the pain returns. Have a look through the Infidelity thread to see what I mean.

 

He is hooking up with this other girl because he likes her and enjoys the attention and comfort. Being cheated on can destroy one's self-esteem; knowing there's someone else out there who still wants us provides a temporary boost. That's not to say it will be a lasting relationship, but he's human. He's looking for validation that he's still attractive and worthy of someone's undivided attention.

 

It would be best for you both to move on.

  • Like 4
MetalGearSolid Member

MetalGearSolid

Posted
Posted

I'm a guy that got cheated on. And I'm going to tell you bluntly, the pain and humiliation of getting cheated on is the absolute worst feeling I've ever felt in my entire life. This is the type of scar that will never go away, despite how much the cheater tries to make amends.

 

I do believe you want to change, and that's great. But, you messed him up big time, and this other girl of his hasn't cheated. Trust is one thing that, when broken, can never be recovered again, at least not in the same state it was in before. He now looks at you at a much different light, even though you do want to change. For both of your sakes, just keep strict NC and move on.

  • Like 3
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

Listen to ThatSean, that is the reality of cheating, I do not think you really get the scale of the damage you did here.

 

Your ego is hurt, you don't want this guy not really, he is too downbeat for you if you are honest, but you are just upset because he has transferred his allegiance away from you and onto this other girl.

Leave him alone.

  • Like 1
fromheart Established Member

fromheart

Posted
Posted (edited)

Well, maybe he wants someone who wont make his life miserable, and cheat on him when he's going through difficulties. Even though you were both giving it a second chance, it still would have been at the back of his mind that he can't turn to you for comfort. He'd been taught by you that if he shows weakness, he gets cheated on. Then along comes another girl who might be more supportive.

 

What I'd suggest to you, is to do some self work and work out where you're own destructive patterns are coming from. In the meantime go no contact with your ex, for his sake and yours.

Edited by fromheart
  • Like 1
BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

Posted
Posted

In the 4 years that we've been together, I got my MBA, got a job and even bought a house under my name. He's literally stayed the same. It got to the point where I couldn't related to him anymore, and that my conversations with him became stale. I wanted to experience LIFE! And he just wanted to stay at home. Not improving, not learning.

 

This is the real problem right here. He is a man child. He is not growing up and moving forward.

 

It was sh**** cheating on him, with out a doubt, but it happens to a lot of people. You really just need to move on from him.

 

You are already years ahead of him in life and maturity. Just move on and enjoy life. Don't get in to any serious relationships for at least a year. Have some safe sex and enjoy life.

 

You need to get the cheating thing out of your system for good as well. You don't want that to be you coping mechanism when you get married and run into a rough patch.

 

Cheating in a marriage is so much worse that you even realize after this situation.

 

Good luck to you...

  • Like 1
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
Thanks, Asterix. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I've been obsessing over the wrong thing. To me, I felt like hooking up is a violation of the love we have for each other. I'm just the type of girl who gets physical after a lot of emotional connection.

 

The root cause of our problem was that we simply fell out of sync in life.

 

In the 4 years that we've been together, I got my MBA, got a job and even bought a house under my name. He's literally stayed the same. It got to the point where I couldn't related to him anymore, and that my conversations with him became stale. I wanted to experience LIFE! And he just wanted to stay at home. Not improving, not learning.

 

It' hurts so much - I had so much hope for him, for us. He was so bright eyed when we first met! Even after the cheating, I paid for couples counseling hoping that he can finally understand what I needed from him, and vice versa. Eventually, I started not respecting him and it really hurt his feelings when I would "talk down to him". I just wanted to help and inspire him, but there is nothing that I can do. Not once has he truly apologized for all the hurt that he's caused me. I'm always the one to blame. The ratio for saying I'm sorry is 10 to 2. I've done SO much to my capabilities to help him. We lived with a friend of mine while my house was being renovated, and she can even tell that I've been doing all that I could and he was just... making excuses and not doing what he should be doing.

 

I don't want it to be toxic. I'm seeking counseling, hanging out with friends and family, and picking up new hobbies and focusing on work. I'm not going out there to get external validation for myself -- that's not fair for me and others. I'm still healing from the big mistake that I made when I cheated - that damaged my soul and crushed his heart. I don't feel proud.

 

Honestly, I have hopes in getting back together with him but I'm not so sure that he'll change. It just HURTS right now that he's not seeking me. I know he's going through a lot right now since we broke up and having to move out. Knowing that he's not as financially stable as me (he doesn't work but collects the GI bill and grants. I was pretty much sustaining a standard of living.), seeking for his first real job soon (while not taking the effort to prepare his resume and experience during the past years) and I guess making more friends (he has like 1-2 friends only). He's also way older than the undergrad class since he's a late bloomer.

 

He's tried a couple of times to reach out when I decided NC, but I flew off the handle and pushed him away. He went from saying "I NEVER want to get back together with you." to "I don't want a relationship with you" to "We should be friends and get to know each other again. I'm not ready to date anyone right now, but there is a possibility in the future when we both change". This last time we tried talking again, I found out he hooked up with that girl, and I flew off the handled once again. Right now we are NC, but he says he'll talk to me in a couple weeks to make sure I am OK.

 

I just can't seem to understand his grieving process and what he's doing.

 

It sounds like he doesn't need that brand of " help."

 

He was happy with his life and who he was.

 

YOU weren't happy with it and tried to change HIM. And you cheated on him. Then tried to make that all about your needs.

 

And you are feeling violated he's with someone else after telling you that he knows you would abandon him in his hour of need. Because you abandoned him while he was right there.

 

He didn't owe you changing who he was to suit your whims. You owed him honesty, integrity and if you didn't love him enough to be loyal to him: you owed him leaving him without emotionally abusing him by cheating.

 

Cheating is not a "mistake." It's a series of choices that you justified by basically saying he wasn't fun enough for you.

 

I have NO IDEA why you are surprised he is with someone else. Why shouldn't he be?

 

And really, every time this guy reaches out you "fly off of the handle?"

 

Do you think his sole purpose in life is to make you happy whilst being the dumping ground for your "inspiration?"

 

Please read some books about relationships, specifically dealing with "respecting a partner." Read some on boundaries. Really, read anything basic about the kind of stuff. I honestly suggest reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship too. But that's more because it's a good book.

  • Like 2
Lion Heart Established Member

Lion Heart

Posted
Posted

Sashafierce

 

At the very basic level of your relationship, you were very unhappy. You had achieved qualifications and bought property. If THIS alone has to be on your "list" of your partner or match then realize it.

 

You had cheated on him DURING your relationship. Which I gather was a live-in one of some 4y duration.

 

That's THE SINGULAR WORST thing you can do to a person. You have a taste of what that feels like you think...but not really.

 

You broke up with him.

You kicked him out.

You've gone off your nut at him when he's communicated with you.

 

IMHO you don't really want HIM anyway.

You didn't until he looked like he had someone else.

 

As I understand this is typical breakup behaviour of people who have trashed their relationship. Thought of that person as something they could throw away like old garbage.

 

Then when it looks like they ARE attractive to an OP, your behaviours spike.

 

You need to think about IF YOU REALLY want him anyway.

 

You didn't APPEAR to. Not to him probably too.

 

You've broken his heart. Kicked him out.

 

Let him be now.

Allow him to have the comfort and possibly love he wants, needs and deserves.

 

IME there's no point in loving a cheating partner.

It's all for nothing.

 

If you want a better life for yourself, I suggest you work out why you felt entitled to cheat. Read the Cheater's Handbook 101 and not for further polishing your skill set, but to UNDERSTAND you have a CHOICE to be a better person for your next Partner.

 

Just watch out for the guys out there jumping at the chance to take your property. My friend has repurchased the same house 3 x because of cheating spouses she divorced. Be careful and protect yourself.

 

Much hope for your healing

Lion Heart

  • Like 1
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sashafierce New Member

sashafierce

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks for everybody's input. 360 degree perspective, so it was much appreciate. I think most of you guys hit the nail on the head in many ways.

 

Yes, he is a man-child. But cheating was NOT the way to go, and I regret it 100% - not only did I devastate him, but I felt ashamed and lost my sense of self in the whole aftermath. It was the weirdest experience and I know my mama raised me to be better than that.

 

I took ya'lls advice and just let it be. He reached out to me and said he misses me, and that he feels lonely. My heart aches for him, and I want to help and comfort him so bad. On one hand, I feel like I owe it to him. On the other hand, my therapist says I need to somehow forgive myself and move on. Even before this whole thing happened, nothing has ever changed.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Your therapist is right.

 

Your ex is in a lot of pain and will be for a long time. As the source of that pain, he's reaching out because he's trying to find some relief and some sign that he's good enough. But ultimately, that relief won't come from you.

 

It's time for both of you to move on. You will both be happier in the long-run in healthier relationships with other people.

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