Bufo Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Most people actually survive their initial consultation with a lawyer. And it makes you more knowledgable. Knowledge =less fear of the unknown. Solving your A problem isn't going to solve your marriage problem and vice versa. You have two problems that are independent problems. See the lawyer to see whether you could survive divorce. Then decide what you want to do about your marriage. Listen to posters here about your A problem. Most who write about affairs have "been there and done that". Take advantage of their experience.
Author lftbehind Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 hi Left. sorry took me a while to get back to you. firstly, this is how it could get worse. he will lose interest in you (and he will) and you will still not only have to work together, but you'll still be his underling. that comes with a whole new set of problems. he may blackball you. he may speak ill of you without disclosing your affair and tarnish your reputation. he may take solid steps to "manage you out" i.e. set the stage to get you fired. see? possibilities are endless. you dismissed counseling _ how come? we can all benefit from counseling and i think you in particular need someone in your corner who will support you and help you manage your feelings and provide insight, even if it's a paid professional. having someone who is an expert at dealing with these types of situations and who will be able to guide you through your problems, addressing them and trying to fix them is nothing to sneeze at. i have been in therapy twice now over the past 10 years (including now) and i have found it to be life saver and very, very valuable because i am willing to do the work. i don't think your mindset is there, though. and i wish you would be. sometimes we need to just make conscious decisions to overwrite and trump what our feelings are telling us. at the moment you're trying to find excuses because you're not ready to end the affair and to extricate yourself from your marriage. i am not suggesting you go to counseling to improve your marriage. i am suggesting counseling for YOU. from what you tell us you can't work on your marriage right now because how can you do that when you're married to someone who's an alcoholic and isn't getting help himself? you and he both need to acknowledge that problems exist first before you even start thinking about saving your marriage. someone suggested ALANON _ i think that's a great idea. being with AP "feels good" before you're seeking validation from him. you're basing part, if not most, of your self worth on how he treats you, how often he texts you, he beckons you, etc. noone can be emotionally healthy while seeking approval from others. you need to validate yourself, you need to approve yourself. that's what i mean by making excuses _ "feels good to be with him," "i have too much cc debt i can't do anything" _ to remain in the cycle you're in because it's safe, it's comfortable, it's familiar. making changes is TOUGH but needs to be done. so, i say this with compassion, stop making excuses, find that inner strength, and start making a plan and getting your ducks in a row. like i said you have to consciously DECIDE to do this even though to FEEL otherwise. start seeing a counselor first and be honest with your therapist. end the affair and stop letting him treat you like last week's trash. you deserve more than that. have you thought about cc debt consolidation? i did that years ago when i was in over my head and found that having one (big) bill to pay, little by little, was so much more manageable than having to face several every month. failing that, you can always declare bankruptcy. of course this is radical but there are options if you're TRULY willing to get yourself out of this cycle. your debt is just enabling you to remain where you are. tackle it. make a concrete plan and chip away at it. working at something _ counselling, clearing debt, etc. _ in an of itself is empowering since it gives you the feeling of control and that you're actively doing something. and also, start putting out feelers for another job. that will also make you focus on something else. and hey, maybe it'll be higher paying! i don't know if this helps any. my point is you have options. you just need to want to take them and work at them to get the ball rolling. it's never too late to start over and you're never too old to do it. good luck, stay strong. I thought about how it could get worse and it was worse when I wasn't talking to him. I liked him and I would talk to him when he talked to me, but he basically ignored me. I'm pretty sure that he tried to get me moved out of his department, but I fought to stay there and I'm still there. He's not working there now, but will be 1 of the plant managers. Do you think that he would still try to get me fired if he lost interest in me and we weren't seeing each other? I've been to counseling before and I might go again, not ruling it out. I'm short on money right now, though. That's good it has worked for you. I'll consider Al -Anon, too. I'm working on paying on my debt and might do cc debt consolidation. Reading this thread over, I feel so dumb and sad for being in this A and letting him treat me and talk to me this way. It shouldn't feel good to be around him and I think that I have been seeing things how I want to see them. My thinking has definitely been shifting and I'm seeing reality. It hurts, but it's real. To me it's been real with him and I thought that I was special to him. I wanted to be. I know that I need to sort out the marriage, too. It's so much to think about.
Author lftbehind Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 lftbehind, These are quotes from several of your messages. My purpose wasn't to take them out of their original context. Instead, it is meant to show you your thinking as reflected in various posts. NTV suggested keeping a journal and you said that this string was your journal and you would reread it. These excerpts create a road map for you to begin to get a sense control and self worth. Please considering doing just *one* of the following items as a small step in regaining control: 1.Contact your HR department about counseling services available through your employee assistance program or your health insurance. Counseling will help you with your feeling of self worth, low self esteem, and dependency on your affair partners' attention. 2. Obtain credit counseling service through your company employee assistance program, non profit organizations in the community, or your bank/credit card company. This can assist you with options for debt consolidation and refinancing with a lower interest rate. 3. Ask your HR department for options for a reassignment to a different position in your current locations, or transfer to another geographic location. 4. Arrange for a free consultation with a divorce attorney to determine what divorce would look like for you financially based jointly held assets and debt. Again, please chose just one of these at this time and follow through with it. Then you can select another one. Just take one small step at this time. lftbehind, you had asked how your situation could "get worse and really ugly". Gently, you are trading sex for attention. You stated that you are "addicted" to sex with your supervisor. And he has stated that he is turned on by the thought of your having other affairs and being with other men. He is in a position of extreme control over you. If this control is coupled with his desire to see you with other men, your dependency on him, and your vulnerability due to low self worth, he could induce you into having sex with other men with and without him. You are vulnerable to agreeing to this in order to continue to receive his attention. lftbehind, you must take one small step to begin to break this cycle. Otherwise the train wreck will continue. Hi LostDecades, I do reread this thread and it's been reality check that I need. The HR department at my work doesn't offer any employee services. I've considered counseling, but I'm short on money right now. I'm working on paying my cc debt and want to look into credit counseling. He'll be one of the managers over the plant, so he will have power over me, no matter what department I'm in. The other location is too far away. The scenario about him getting me to be with other men would be bad. He said that he likes the idea of watching me with another man, because he wants to see me have enjoy myself and have pleasure. He said that he wants to have sex with me after he watches me with another man. He said that we would only do it if I wanted to. I told him that I didn't want to. I have wanted his attention, but I'm feeling bad that I put up with this treatment from him. He should just leave me alone if he doesn't care for me.
Recommended Posts