Me and my boss

[lftbehind]

Can you provide some examples of the abuse? Because right now it seems like you're with your husband because he pays your bills while you're out sleeping with whomever you want.

 

If anyone here is to give a fair assessment we would need to know the whole story..honestly, to me, at the moment, you are the bad guy.

 

This is a OM/OW forum. I'm not proud of myself, but don't appreciate being called a bad guy. Too tired right now to prove that I'm not one.

[lftbehind]

Then why don't you ask him to marry you if you divorce?

 

I haven't been seeing him that long and I wouldn't be ready to get married for a while.

[elaine567]

You are in an verbally abusive marriage and your confidence is at an all time low. Along comes Mr Lover Lover who seizes the opportunity to use and abuse you sexually. Guys like this adore vulnerable married women, as they can manipulate them easily.

 

Every other strong, stable woman at work will have given him the brush off, but not you. You take it all in, you make all the excuses for him, you put up with just about anything to keep his attention focused on you, as you NEED him to keep you going.

Your reputation as the woman who will sleep with anyone, preceded you and Mr Lover Lover has taken full advantage.

He only needs to do the minimum here, and you come running, tongue slavering...

 

YOU can write all the love stories in your head about him, and your "relationship", but it is so obvious to all here, he doesn't care one jot about you. You are just FB material to him.

Until you get that into your head, then you are a lost cause.

He will ruin you in all ways possible and you are letting him...

 

You may be in a pickle with your marriage, but this guy is NOT the answer.

You may think in the back of your mind that you are lining him up for an exit affair - to seamlessly move from one relationship to another, (I am sure HE could pay off your debts too), BUT he will most likely drop you like a hot potato as soon as there is a hint of you leaving your husband. YOU are not relationship material to him just some promiscuous* women who comes over to his place on demand, for sex. (Do not confuse the odd chat, up to, during and after sex, with caring)

 

Do not be this man's "free prostitute" and sex toy, as that is what essentially you are here.

 

This is like watching a slow train wreck...

 

There is lots of help out there for women in abusive relationships.

Go join a self help group, if you are lonely and need to talk to someone about your woes with your husband.

Go get some real help.

Stop being the victim.

Do something proactive about your situation.

 

*("an ex-friend of mine told him that I had a few affairs before him. He told me that it turned him on that I had and he doesn't hold it against me.")

[spideywoman]

hi Left.

 

first off, i wish i could jump through the screen to give you a big hug. i sense that you're lost, alone and in need of a little guidance, support and companionship.

 

you have recognized that you have fallen into a destructive pattern and that it's important you get yourself out of it. that's a good first step. now try and figure out how you can start doing that. you mentioned you were close to your parents _ do they know that your H is verbally abusive to you? I can't imagine they wouldn't be OK letting you stay with them for a while until you get back on your feet. rely on them. perhaps a friend, relative with whom you can live temporarily? i really think you need to address your marriage and yourself first before even thinking about this other guy. if there's one "good" thing that comes out of an affair is that it forces you to take a look at your life _ not many people choose to do it because it's difficult and takes a lot of hard work, introspection and determination. i urge you to take this opportunity and start fixing things, little by little.

 

nothing is worth continuing to put yourself through what you have been doing. take your power back. forget about your boss before it gets any worse _ and it can. from what you have shared with us i don't think he cares about you and i don't think he gets any emotional satisfaction from your texts / talks. it really feels like he's using you for physical pleasure only. this can get really ugly. he's your boss, he can get even nastier, make your professional life even worse, maybe even cause you to lose your job. don't give him a second thought, be it as hard as it is.

 

step by step _ please don't ignore the comments and advice given to you here, even if some are delivered harshly. there's a ton of experience on this forum and we can all learn a lot from it.

 

stay strong. hugs.

[Ruffian1]

As you said, he is using you, essentially, as a free hooker.

 

He text and talks with you occasionally, cuz he knows he has to play the game to get the sex.

 

Honey, you need to see a counselor. Have you always had such low self-esteem? And stop blaming your H for your CHOICES.

 

You are using your H for income and AP is using you for sex.

 

What goes around comes around as they say.

[ChickiePops]

This is a OM/OW forum. I'm not proud of myself, but don't appreciate being called a bad guy. Too tired right now to prove that I'm not one.

 

I was asking for examples of abuse because that's how you're justifying being a serial cheater. It's a valid question.

[NTV]

I don't know what I can say that you will hear right now. Right now you sound lost, and I have been lost too. You aren't able to be honest with yourself because if you were that would mean changing a lot of things that you aren't ready to change right now.

 

Cheating doesn't help. Neither will drinking. You say you don't want to be a bad person. No one does. But what the folks pushing those things are working to do is to get you to face what your actions mean. It might feel like judgment but only you can judge yourself. If you knew that you were in the right then those words would roll off like water.

 

What I can say is that what helped me the most when I was lost was a journal. Would you be willing to try that?

[DKT3]

Can you provide some examples of the abuse? Because right now it seems like you're with your husband because he pays your bills while you're out sleeping with whomever you want.

 

If anyone here is to give a fair assessment we would need to know the whole story..honestly, to me, at the moment, you are the bad guy.

 

People have a hard time accepting responsible for their poor behavior so blame is placed on others. Just last week we had a ww posting about all the things her husband did wrong to justify her affair....husband finds her posts calls her out on not being honest about the state if the marriage and things he has "done". She has since been pretty silent on the site.

 

Sometimes you simply get a view through rationalization...I only did it because they....as a term I recently heard winning the breakup, it's done to sway people into empathy and convince themselves"hey I'm not the bad guy, I was drove to bad behavior"

[MidnightBlue1980]

People have a hard time accepting responsible for their poor behavior so blame is placed on others. Just last week we had a ww posting about all the things her husband did wrong to justify her affair....husband finds her posts calls her out on not being honest about the state if the marriage and things he has "done". She has since been pretty silent on the site.

 

Sometimes you simply get a view through rationalization...I only did it because they....as a term I recently heard winning the breakup, it's done to sway people into empathy and convince themselves"hey I'm not the bad guy, I was drove to bad behavior"

 

Sometimes it is rationalization but sometimes it is a person figuring out their state of mind and the steps that led him or her to where they are today. People tend to post here as a form of self discovery.

[lftbehind]

hi Left.

 

first off, i wish i could jump through the screen to give you a big hug. i sense that you're lost, alone and in need of a little guidance, support and companionship.

 

you have recognized that you have fallen into a destructive pattern and that it's important you get yourself out of it. that's a good first step. now try and figure out how you can start doing that. you mentioned you were close to your parents _ do they know that your H is verbally abusive to you? I can't imagine they wouldn't be OK letting you stay with them for a while until you get back on your feet. rely on them. perhaps a friend, relative with whom you can live temporarily? i really think you need to address your marriage and yourself first before even thinking about this other guy. if there's one "good" thing that comes out of an affair is that it forces you to take a look at your life _ not many people choose to do it because it's difficult and takes a lot of hard work, introspection and determination. i urge you to take this opportunity and start fixing things, little by little.

 

nothing is worth continuing to put yourself through what you have been doing. take your power back. forget about your boss before it gets any worse _ and it can. from what you have shared with us i don't think he cares about you and i don't think he gets any emotional satisfaction from your texts / talks. it really feels like he's using you for physical pleasure only. this can get really ugly. he's your boss, he can get even nastier, make your professional life even worse, maybe even cause you to lose your job. don't give him a second thought, be it as hard as it is.

 

step by step _ please don't ignore the comments and advice given to you here, even if some are delivered harshly. there's a ton of experience on this forum and we can all learn a lot from it.

 

stay strong. hugs.

 

Hi Spideywoman,

 

Thank you very much for your compassionate response, I really appreciate it. I am lonely and lost and need help. I realize that it can be a destructive R with my boss, but it's hard to get out of. My family knows that H has been verbally abusive to me. He's not like that all the time, though. Right now he's not being like that. I could stay with them, but not for long. The areas that we live in are very expensive to live in and I would probably have to move out of the area and get another job to afford to live. I want to fix things, it's so much to take on. I'm in my early fifties, which makes it harder to start over.

 

I do need to leave my boss alone and take my power back. I have felt that he enjoyed our talks and texts. When I'm with him, we get along so well. That's hard to give up. How do you think it would get worse and really ugly? I believe you, just want your opinion.

 

I am considering all of the advice on here, but there's no need for people to be so harsh in their messages. I'm know that I've made mistakes and I own them. I'll try to stay strong and hugs to you!

[lftbehind]

People have a hard time accepting responsible for their poor behavior so blame is placed on others. Just last week we had a ww posting about all the things her husband did wrong to justify her affair....husband finds her posts calls her out on not being honest about the state if the marriage and things he has "done". She has since been pretty silent on the site.

 

Sometimes you simply get a view through rationalization...I only did it because they....as a term I recently heard winning the breakup, it's done to sway people into empathy and convince themselves"hey I'm not the bad guy, I was drove to bad behavior"

 

I accept responsibility for my choices and behavior. My H had treated me poorly, though. Not making that up.

[lftbehind]

I don't know what I can say that you will hear right now. Right now you sound lost, and I have been lost too. You aren't able to be honest with yourself because if you were that would mean changing a lot of things that you aren't ready to change right now.

 

Cheating doesn't help. Neither will drinking. You say you don't want to be a bad person. No one does. But what the folks pushing those things are working to do is to get you to face what your actions mean. It might feel like judgment but only you can judge yourself. If you knew that you were in the right then those words would roll off like water.

 

What I can say is that what helped me the most when I was lost was a journal. Would you be willing to try that?

 

This post has been sort of a journal for me. I reread it trying to figure things out.

[lftbehind]

As you said, he is using you, essentially, as a free hooker.

 

He text and talks with you occasionally, cuz he knows he has to play the game to get the sex.

 

Honey, you need to see a counselor. Have you always had such low self-esteem? And stop blaming your H for your CHOICES.

 

You are using your H for income and AP is using you for sex.

 

What goes around comes around as they say.

 

I never said that he's using me as a free hooker, don't know how you thought that.

 

Not blaming my husband for my choices. He is not an innocent, though.

 

I make money, too. Not as much as H.

 

H has helped hurt my self esteem

[lftbehind]

You are in an verbally abusive marriage and your confidence is at an all time low. Along comes Mr Lover Lover who seizes the opportunity to use and abuse you sexually. Guys like this adore vulnerable married women, as they can manipulate them easily.

 

Every other strong, stable woman at work will have given him the brush off, but not you. You take it all in, you make all the excuses for him, you put up with just about anything to keep his attention focused on you, as you NEED him to keep you going.

Your reputation as the woman who will sleep with anyone, preceded you and Mr Lover Lover has taken full advantage.

He only needs to do the minimum here, and you come running, tongue slavering...

 

YOU can write all the love stories in your head about him, and your "relationship", but it is so obvious to all here, he doesn't care one jot about you. You are just FB material to him.

Until you get that into your head, then you are a lost cause.

He will ruin you in all ways possible and you are letting him...

 

You may be in a pickle with your marriage, but this guy is NOT the answer.

You may think in the back of your mind that you are lining him up for an exit affair - to seamlessly move from one relationship to another, (I am sure HE could pay off your debts too), BUT he will most likely drop you like a hot potato as soon as there is a hint of you leaving your husband. YOU are not relationship material to him just some promiscuous* women who comes over to his place on demand, for sex. (Do not confuse the odd chat, up to, during and after sex, with caring)

 

Do not be this man's "free prostitute" and sex toy, as that is what essentially you are here.

 

This is like watching a slow train wreck...

 

There is lots of help out there for women in abusive relationships.

Go join a self help group, if you are lonely and need to talk to someone about your woes with your husband.

Go get some real help.

Stop being the victim.

Do something proactive about your situation.

 

*("an ex-friend of mine told him that I had a few affairs before him. He told me that it turned him on that I had and he doesn't hold it against me.")

 

I've never seen him hit on any other women at work. I don't have a reputation and work and am not a flirt. I'm quiet. I've had a lot of guys hit on me there, but never got together with them. I have been doing too much to keep his attention on me an have become dependent on it.

 

It's hard to feel like he's just using me, when it feels so real to me. I don't think that I'm a prostitute. I know that I need to stop seeing him.

 

It feels like I'm in a slow train wreck.

[ChickiePops]

I accept responsibility for my choices and behavior. My H had treated me poorly, though. Not making that up.

 

Two wrongs do not make a right though. If someone is hurting you, you walk away..you don't turn around and hurt them, along with other innocent people, back.

 

I'd be much more understanding if this was your first affair but you are a serial cheater. The time for self discovery has come and gone..now you're just being willfully hurtful to others. You're no longer a victim, you are a volunteer.

 

I am sorry your husband is abusive. I hope you find the strength to leave him and find a nice, SINGLE man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

[DKT3]

I accept responsibility for my choices and behavior. My H had treated me poorly, though. Not making that up.

 

When one accepts responsibility there are no but or I only dids. Your actions are independent of your husband's actions. If I were to say I had a affair because my wife did is that taking ownership or shifting blame?

 

If it's true that you husband was as horrible as you say, then why reach out and put everyone else effected by the affair in the same despair?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I never said that he's using me as a free hooker, don't know how you thought that.

 

Not blaming my husband for my choices. He is not an innocent, though.

 

I make money, too. Not as much as H.

 

H has helped hurt my self esteem

 

I read through your whole thread. Ok. Usually this is where I say your story is like everyone else's - but it's not. This guy sounds really, really bad and it sounds like you are probably around my age, I would say in your 40s? I get the falling in love thing, that is what most of us go for, and I get the sexless marriage thing, that is a real issue for some marriages and people want companionship.

 

But this guy - your BOSS - has zero respect for you and I would bet he is telling other people in your work about this. Obviously he shouldn't but he does not sound very bright (since he is risking his job). I don't see anything remotely appealing about him, other than the sex which you say is really good. You can go get really good sex anywhere and you do not have to stoop to a guy (ahem, man - I bet he is over 50?) talking to you like that? I'm no prude but 3somes? No man who has any respect for a woman would suggest that. And he is grooming you to do it. Please, get away from this guy.

 

As for your H, terms like alcoholic and verbal abuse are vague and can be distorted to suit your reasons. I am asking so you think about it. Is your H being mean because he is just a mean SOB (been there) or is he being mean because there is a problem in your marriage and he doesn't know how to communicate? (been there). As for alcohol, is he a functioning alcoholic (like a lot of us)? Does he have a couple a night or is he drinking a bottle of vodka a night and passing out in a pool of his own drool on the couch? Again, different. The former is common and can be addressed like a bad habit, the latter, that is a disease.

 

Do you see where I am going?

 

What is going on with you that you keep having affairs in your marriage?

[lftbehind]

I read through your whole thread. Ok. Usually this is where I say your story is like everyone else's - but it's not. This guy sounds really, really bad and it sounds like you are probably around my age, I would say in your 40s? I get the falling in love thing, that is what most of us go for, and I get the sexless marriage thing, that is a real issue for some marriages and people want companionship.

 

But this guy - your BOSS - has zero respect for you and I would bet he is telling other people in your work about this. Obviously he shouldn't but he does not sound very bright (since he is risking his job). I don't see anything remotely appealing about him, other than the sex which you say is really good. You can go get really good sex anywhere and you do not have to stoop to a guy (ahem, man - I bet he is over 50?) talking to you like that? I'm no prude but 3somes? No man who has any respect for a woman would suggest that. And he is grooming you to do it. Please, get away from this guy.

 

As for your H, terms like alcoholic and verbal abuse are vague and can be distorted to suit your reasons. I am asking so you think about it. Is your H being mean because he is just a mean SOB (been there) or is he being mean because there is a problem in your marriage and he doesn't know how to communicate? (been there). As for alcohol, is he a functioning alcoholic (like a lot of us)? Does he have a couple a night or is he drinking a bottle of vodka a night and passing out in a pool of his own drool on the couch? Again, different. The former is common and can be addressed like a bad habit, the latter, that is a disease.

 

Do you see where I am going?

 

What is going on with you that you keep having affairs in your marriage?

 

I'm 50, but people have said that they thought I was in my mid-thirties. My boss is 58. He's a private person and I don't think that he is talking about the A to anyone at work. He also wouldn't want to risk losing his job. He's working towards being a higher level manager and should get the promotion soon. I know that I need to get away from him. It's hard for me to see how bad things are when it makes me feel so good being with him. It helps to see how other people can see so clearly how the situation is bad.

 

H is an alcoholic, but is getting a little better. He is a functioning one and has a good job. One he starts drinking he doesn't stop, he has one after another drinks. He does it about once a week. A lot of our fights haven't been after he's been drinking. He acts like I don't do anything right and can't have my own opinions on anything. He will cut everything about me down. It's hard to explain how he acts. I don't enjoy being around him.

 

I do see where you're going

 

I don't want to keep having affairs. I have them to feel desirable and wanted and for companionship. There is no passion with H.

[lftbehind]

Men like your OM tend to have the capability to smell a vulnerable woman. They prey upon them and use them. They need an affair partner to be weak so they will do what they want.

 

But you are also a willing participant causing harm to yourself and to your marriage.

 

So you need to gain strength. How can we help you gain strength? You're going to need it for both situations...as you've ha see all your power to your husband (by not divorcing him when you're unhappy) and with the OM because you continue the unbalanced affair.

 

Have you seen a counselor? Can we help you become a strong woman?

 

I know he's using me and I'm a willing participant. Unfortunately, the marriage was broken before the A, I'm not helping it, though. I wish that I could go NC, but I work with him and can't. I don't want to have A and reading everyones replies on here is helping me see reality better. I haven't seen a counselor. I don't know what they could tell me. I know that I need to work on my marriage. The feelings aren't there for H anymore.

[anika99]

I don't make enough money and I have debt. I care about him, but not like I used to. I was hoping that we could reconnect, but I don't think it will happen. We used to be crazy about each other, but the way that he has treated me has made me lose feelings for him. I haven't had A until the past few years.

 

 

It is sad that you are going on 50 yrs old and you have never done anything to address your problems and take charge of your own life. Instead you run away from your problems by sleeping with other men which does nothing but make things worse in the long run.

 

I've had a long term relationship with an alcoholic and I get how miserable that can be. I wasted a few years trying to make him stop drinking while blaming him for everything wrong in our relationship and in my life including my personal unhappiness. One day I woke up to reality and accepted that he wasn't my problem, I was my problem. It was my own issues and choices that led to me choosing to spend my life being miserable in a relationship with an alcoholic. It wasn't my alcoholic bf's fault that I choosing to be with him and be unhappy, that was entirely on me.

 

Once I started accepting responsibility for my own life like a grown up I realized I needed to take charge of myself and my life. I stopped focusing on my alcoholic bf and stopped trying to change him or fix him. I stopped blaming him for my unhappiness. I wasn't in a great position financially either but I started taking courses and eventually took a loan to go to school fulltime. I still held out hope that my bf would also choose a better life but he never did. I left shortly after I finished my schooling, still in a low paying job and now with a bunch of student debt. It took me years to pay off that loan and years to land a decent paying job. It wasn't easy but it was personally rewarding. Becoming financially independent and paying of that huge loan all by myself felt like an accomplishment I could be proud off.

 

It isn't your husband's fault that you have chosen this life for yourself. You and he are the same in that you both choose to lazily escape your problems rather than do the work of fixing your lives. He escapes into the bottle and you escape into affairs. It isn't your fault he drinks and it isn't his fault you cheat. Consider attending some Al-Anon meetings and/or getting some personal counselling. Learn about codependence and how to break free of it. Al-anon was a lifesaver for me.

[ChickiePops]

I know he's using me and I'm a willing participant. Unfortunately, the marriage was broken before the A, I'm not helping it, though. I wish that I could go NC, but I work with him and can't. I don't want to have A and reading everyones replies on here is helping me see reality better. I haven't seen a counselor. I don't know what they could tell me. I know that I need to work on my marriage. The feelings aren't there for H anymore.

 

First of all, it's not surprising that you have no feelings for your husband. All your feelings are going to the MM.

 

Second, you still have not addressed why you're staying in an abusive marriage, feelings or no feelings. If you divorced your husband, you could be with whomever you want (hopefully only SINGLE men though) without being a cheater.

[lftbehind]

Change is ONLY up to you. Change the things you can.

 

Work on the marriage? Why? Why not work on divorcing? Have you checked to see what an attorney would tell you would happen should you divorce?

 

I haven't talked to an attorney about what would happen if I divorce, yet.

[lftbehind]

It is sad that you are going on 50 yrs old and you have never done anything to address your problems and take charge of your own life. Instead you run away from your problems by sleeping with other men which does nothing but make things worse in the long run.

 

I've had a long term relationship with an alcoholic and I get how miserable that can be. I wasted a few years trying to make him stop drinking while blaming him for everything wrong in our relationship and in my life including my personal unhappiness. One day I woke up to reality and accepted that he wasn't my problem, I was my problem. It was my own issues and choices that led to me choosing to spend my life being miserable in a relationship with an alcoholic. It wasn't my alcoholic bf's fault that I choosing to be with him and be unhappy, that was entirely on me.

 

Once I started accepting responsibility for my own life like a grown up I realized I needed to take charge of myself and my life. I stopped focusing on my alcoholic bf and stopped trying to change him or fix him. I stopped blaming him for my unhappiness. I wasn't in a great position financially either but I started taking courses and eventually took a loan to go to school fulltime. I still held out hope that my bf would also choose a better life but he never did. I left shortly after I finished my schooling, still in a low paying job and now with a bunch of student debt. It took me years to pay off that loan and years to land a decent paying job. It wasn't easy but it was personally rewarding. Becoming financially independent and paying of that huge loan all by myself felt like an accomplishment I could be proud off.

 

It isn't your husband's fault that you have chosen this life for yourself. You and he are the same in that you both choose to lazily escape your problems rather than do the work of fixing your lives. He escapes into the bottle and you escape into affairs. It isn't your fault he drinks and it isn't his fault you cheat. Consider attending some Al-Anon meetings and/or getting some personal counselling. Learn about codependence and how to break free of it. Al-anon was a lifesaver for me.

 

That's good you got out of your bad relationship and went back to school. I don't know how I could start over right now. I have a lot of credit card debt that is going to take a long time to pay off. I don't make much. I'll look into Al-Anon.

[spideywoman]

Hi Spideywoman,

 

Thank you very much for your compassionate response, I really appreciate it. I am lonely and lost and need help. I realize that it can be a destructive R with my boss, but it's hard to get out of. My family knows that H has been verbally abusive to me. He's not like that all the time, though. Right now he's not being like that. I could stay with them, but not for long. The areas that we live in are very expensive to live in and I would probably have to move out of the area and get another job to afford to live. I want to fix things, it's so much to take on. I'm in my early fifties, which makes it harder to start over.

 

I do need to leave my boss alone and take my power back. I have felt that he enjoyed our talks and texts. When I'm with him, we get along so well. That's hard to give up. How do you think it would get worse and really ugly? I believe you, just want your opinion.

 

I am considering all of the advice on here, but there's no need for people to be so harsh in their messages. I'm know that I've made mistakes and I own them. I'll try to stay strong and hugs to you!

 

 

 

 

hi Left. sorry took me a while to get back to you.

 

firstly, this is how it could get worse. he will lose interest in you (and he will) and you will still not only have to work together, but you'll still be his underling. that comes with a whole new set of problems. he may blackball you. he may speak ill of you without disclosing your affair and tarnish your reputation. he may take solid steps to "manage you out" i.e. set the stage to get you fired. see? possibilities are endless.

 

you dismissed counseling _ how come? we can all benefit from counseling and i think you in particular need someone in your corner who will support you and help you manage your feelings and provide insight, even if it's a paid professional. having someone who is an expert at dealing with these types of situations and who will be able to guide you through your problems, addressing them and trying to fix them is nothing to sneeze at. i have been in therapy twice now over the past 10 years (including now) and i have found it to be life saver and very, very valuable because i am willing to do the work.

 

i don't think your mindset is there, though. and i wish you would be. sometimes we need to just make conscious decisions to overwrite and trump what our feelings are telling us. at the moment you're trying to find excuses because you're not ready to end the affair and to extricate yourself from your marriage. i am not suggesting you go to counseling to improve your marriage. i am suggesting counseling for YOU. from what you tell us you can't work on your marriage right now because how can you do that when you're married to someone who's an alcoholic and isn't getting help himself? you and he both need to acknowledge that problems exist first before you even start thinking about saving your marriage. someone suggested ALANON _ i think that's a great idea.

 

being with AP "feels good" before you're seeking validation from him. you're basing part, if not most, of your self worth on how he treats you, how often he texts you, he beckons you, etc. noone can be emotionally healthy while seeking approval from others. you need to validate yourself, you need to approve yourself. that's what i mean by making excuses _ "feels good to be with him," "i have too much cc debt i can't do anything" _ to remain in the cycle you're in because it's safe, it's comfortable, it's familiar. making changes is TOUGH but needs to be done.

 

so, i say this with compassion, stop making excuses, find that inner strength, and start making a plan and getting your ducks in a row. like i said you have to consciously DECIDE to do this even though to FEEL otherwise. start seeing a counselor first and be honest with your therapist. end the affair and stop letting him treat you like last week's trash. you deserve more than that. have you thought about cc debt consolidation? i did that years ago when i was in over my head and found that having one (big) bill to pay, little by little, was so much more manageable than having to face several every month. failing that, you can always declare bankruptcy. of course this is radical but there are options if you're TRULY willing to get yourself out of this cycle. your debt is just enabling you to remain where you are. tackle it. make a concrete plan and chip away at it. working at something _ counselling, clearing debt, etc. _ in an of itself is empowering since it gives you the feeling of control and that you're actively doing something. and also, start putting out feelers for another job. that will also make you focus on something else. and hey, maybe it'll be higher paying!

 

i don't know if this helps any. my point is you have options. you just need to want to take them and work at them to get the ball rolling.

 

it's never too late to start over and you're never too old to do it.

 

good luck, stay strong.

[LostDecades]

.... I have felt that he enjoyed our talks and texts. When I'm with him, we get along so well. That's hard to give up. How do you think it would get worse and really ugly?...It's hard to feel like he's just using me, when it feels so real to me. I don't think that I'm a prostitute. I know that I need to stop seeing him...I have a lot of credit card debt that is going to take a long time to pay off...I know he's using me and I'm a willing participant...I don't want to keep having affairs. I have them to feel desirable and wanted and for companionship... I have been doing too much to keep his attention on me an have become dependent on it...H has helped hurt my self esteem

 

lftbehind,

 

These are quotes from several of your messages. My purpose wasn't to take them out of their original context. Instead, it is meant to show you your thinking as reflected in various posts. NTV suggested keeping a journal and you said that this string was your journal and you would reread it.

 

These excerpts create a road map for you to begin to get a sense control and self worth. Please considering doing just *one* of the following items as a small step in regaining control:

 

1.Contact your HR department about counseling services available through your employee assistance program or your health insurance.

 

Counseling will help you with your feeling of self worth, low self esteem, and dependency on your affair partners' attention.

 

2. Obtain credit counseling service through your company employee assistance program, non profit organizations in the community, or your bank/credit card company.

 

This can assist you with options for debt consolidation and refinancing with a lower interest rate.

 

3. Ask your HR department for options for a reassignment to a different position in your current locations, or transfer to another geographic location.

 

4. Arrange for a free consultation with a divorce attorney to determine what divorce would look like for you financially based jointly held assets and debt.

 

Again, please chose just one of these at this time and follow through with it. Then you can select another one. Just take one small step at this time.

 

lftbehind, you had asked how your situation could "get worse and really ugly". Gently, you are trading sex for attention. You stated that you are "addicted" to sex with your supervisor. And he has stated that he is turned on by the thought of your having other affairs and being with other men. He is in a position of extreme control over you. If this control is coupled with his desire to see you with other men, your dependency on him, and your vulnerability due to low self worth, he could induce you into having sex with other men with and without him. You are vulnerable to agreeing to this in order to continue to receive his attention.

 

lftbehind, you must take one small step to begin to break this cycle. Otherwise the train wreck will continue.