How not looking keen and bad timing actually ruined a great potential future with her

September 16, 2016

I had been talking to this girl for the first couple of weeks from OKC and text as she wanted to be comfortable first before meeting. She then asked me if I wanted to see this movie with her, so I arranged the time and where we'd eat.

Our first date was a meal and then a movie. We clicked really well and as we left she linked her arm into mine, until I then held her hand. We kissed and had all the positive signs.

She continued texting me after and she was worried that I might have gone off her now we've met. She continued to be interested and I thought it was great. During our texting, she'd hint at going to future events around Christmas with me and even joked about one day getting our own place.

She then said we should go to the seaside, so I said we should. She asked what day and I arranged one.

We had a great day there, holding hands, kissing, talking, everything you'd expect.

She was a very keen girl, she'd reply back 1-2 minutes after my texts and always initiate. I've always been so used to girls playing hard to get, that I've tried to keep my cool with girls and not act too keen, as it's always been the cause of failure with girls in the past..

However, when we were texting, I didn't reply to her 2-3 word answers because I felt like conversation didn't need to continue which made her ask me if she had done anything wrong? That I sometimes don't reply to her texts? I told her that nothing was wrong, I just thought something was up when she was sending short texts, but she said she thought something was up with me.

Anyway, the other day I arranged for us to meet this Saturday night and she agreed. Her last response was "Ohhhh, I see :)" so I didn't reply to this as I felt I wasn't required to.

But then today, I got the dreaded text..

She said that she was sorry that she had to text me this, but she wouldn't be coming on Saturday as she felt there wasn't a two-way connection between us.. And that in past relationships she has done all the communicating, etc and she said to herself it's a two way thing and she shouldn't have to text first. She said it wouldn't be more than friends at this point and rather tell me now than weeks down the line. She said she doesn't want to lead me on and that she thinks this point in her life she's too stressed with work to think about much else.

We spoke about it and I tried justifying things like me sometimes not responding, etc that maybe I shouldn't have done, but she said that she was way too stressed with her new job and her employers were telling her off for the littlest of things and was getting her down, she didn't have time for anything else and that she thought she had the mindset for a relationship, but realised she didn't.

Unfortunately, she did call me out for my facebook status which was me saying that "I always ruin great things, that I have to stay positive and look to the future". She was worried that people would point the finger at her and call her the bad guy. I told her the status was about me and things I've messed up in the past. To be honest, she seemed more worried about what people thought of her.. Which made me act a little annoyed, but I told her I didn't want us to fall out after all this and she said "how can we fall out if you're not talking to me anymore?"

I said that I couldn't see us being friends because of what I felt and being friends just wouldn't work for me because I would want something more than she did. I then just wished her a great future and hope she succeeded in her ambition to become a teacher and that it was great getting to know her.

Was this really because I wasn't initiating contact with her? I did initiate conversation a few times, but she'd do it 80% of the time and she'd initiate at about 6:30am in the morning when I was asleep, so it was hard to make this a "two-way connection". Or was it because I sometimes didn't reply to her 2-3 word texts that I felt didn't require a response?

As much as I believe how stressful her job is, she's told me in the past that she doesn't go out at the weekends and that she's more introverted, so I wondered why we couldn't have worked something out around the weekend, which leads me to believe maybe she had no romantic feelings for me at all?

Also, should I remove her from Facebook? This has always been my way of moving on in the past and has worked.

Sorry for the letter long post.

September 16, 2016

I'm sorry. I can't understand these people who think life is about texting about nothing back and forth all day, so I say good riddance to lazy rubbish. I mean, doesn't she have a job or anything to occupy her time? If you text all the time, what on earth will you have to talk about in person???

Anyway, do whatever you think is easiest on you about blocking her or not. You may as well. She sounds very immature.

September 16, 2016

I'm sorry. I can't understand these people who think life is about texting about nothing back and forth all day, so I say good riddance to lazy rubbish. I mean, doesn't she have a job or anything to occupy her time? If you text all the time, what on earth will you have to talk about in person???

Anyway, do whatever you think is easiest on you about blocking her or not. You may as well. She sounds very immature.

I thought this, she'd text me everyday and some days I do not want to text. I like a girl who is keen but texting everyday like that wears you out. I even struggled to continue the conversation and what's the point continuing it if I'm going to get 2-3 word replies?

She does have a 9-5 job, Mon-fri as a early years teacher. I did notice she'd get stressed and we did talk about something that happened involving her at her workplace, she felt very down about it but I cheered her up. It's something she has studied for and she's very motivated to become a proper teacher.

So the stress of talking to me didn't help, but if she's going to get petty over a few unanswered short texts and that she didn't want to initiate all the time, how about she stopped initiating texts with me at 6-7am in the morning when I am asleep?

September 16, 2016

It probably was down to that. People hate games and she thought you were playing one. I walked away from a guy who was happy to have me seeking him out, initiating every conversation but never reciprocating. I don't know what he wanted to be honest and it seemed like he just wanted the attention with no intention of doing anything other than lapping up my interest. I could have been wrong about that but after months of this merry-go-round I had to come to the conclusion that since he never sought me out he didn't want anything at all.

Be careful what you put out there. Try and mirror the other person, then you won't come across as clingy or needy if you are doing what they are doing. They are expecting it. This whole idea of pretending to be in high demand blah, blah, blah is one of the worst idea's in dating history. Sincere people don't care, in fact, they may even be turned off by it. Insincere people however who are also pretending to be in high demand will. Which would you rather date?

September 16, 2016

It probably was down to that. People hate games and she thought you were playing one. I walked away from a guy who was happy to have me seeking him out, initiating every conversation but never reciprocating. I don't know what he wanted to be honest and it seemed like he just wanted the attention with no intention of doing anything other than lapping up my interest. I could have been wrong about that but after months of this merry-go-round I had to come to the conclusion that since he never sought me out he didn't want anything at all.

Be careful what you put out there. Try and mirror the other person, then you won't come across as clingy or needy if you are doing what they are doing. They are expecting it. This whole idea of pretending to be in high demand blah, blah, blah is one of the worst idea's in dating history. Sincere people don't care, in fact, they may even be turned off by it. Insincere people however who are also pretending to be in high demand will. Which would you rather date?

This is what is confusing me, because for 95% of her texts I replied to her in a similar way. If she replied instantly, I would too unless I was at work which I'd state. It was only 2-3 word texts that didn't continue the conversation that I didn't respond to. We already had a date planned so I figured it was okay.

When we're texting every day for a whole month, it does become a chore.

I wanted to talk to her, but it was like getting blood from a stone sometimes. If she asked me a question or bantered with me, I'd reply but when I get "Ohhh, I see" types of responses, it's hard. And also when she's starting conversations at 6-7am in the morning, how am I supposed to start them?

Edited September 16, 2016 by fmfan08

September 16, 2016

So she bombarded you with texts 24/7, "joked" about getting a place together with you after one date, and decided to call you out about a damn Facebook status update because she assumed it was about her?

You dodged the crazy train here. Consider this a blessing in a disguise.

September 16, 2016

So she bombarded you with texts 24/7, "joked" about getting a place together with you after one date, and decided to call you out about a damn Facebook status update because she assumed it was about her?

You dodged the crazy train here. Consider this a blessing in a disguise.

Yeah, the status was bad timing because I posted it in relation to how I was feeling (which was caused by her) but it was referencing my past mistakes, etc. I definitely wasn't calling her out as the "bad guy" like she's somehow suggesting.

As much as I want to leave things on a good note, which I believe I have with my last couple of texts such as stating my intentions, wishing her luck, etc.. I really wanted to be bitter, because I felt like I wasn't in the wrong with our communication..

I'm almost tempted to tell her how I'm supposed to respond to a 2-3 word text when she doesn't keep the conversation flowing and how am I supposed to initiate conversations if she's doing it at 6-7am before work when I am asleep?

If I delete her from facebook and she texts me about it (if she did about my status, I'd guarantee that) then if I get a bitter reply about it, I will mention the paragraph above.

The idea of deleting her from Facebook is to allow me to move on, not to provoke a reaction from her. If she does give me a bitter reaction, then I will also.

September 16, 2016

Of course you should delete her. And you shouldn't care if it upsets her or not. The relationship is over (ended by her) so you have no obligation to her. She's needy and clingy. You're right it's exhausting. Best to move on.

I address communication styles early on. I directly ask a girl whether she likes to talk or text, and how often. I recently told a girl that I'll be in touch with her about twice a week and that's it. I work 12 hour shifts and have just 1-2 hours after work before I go to bed. On some longer days I don't even get to eat dinner. We're not going to talk on those days, period. She can either accept it or find someone else.

That's not being mean, it's just setting expectations upfront so everyone knows what they are in for.

September 16, 2016

People have different levels of contact and the need to see reciprocal interest. She needs hers reciprocated and you weren't (you admit this in your title). This is her perception too so you can defend it here all you want but she has her perception. If you're not willing to chase her to get her back then just forget the whole thing happened and move on.

September 16, 2016

Seems like she was texting 2-3 word replies to get you to come back to her with something interesting to keep the conversation flowing as you were interested in her, but you just ignored.

She felt she was in a one way conversation and that you were playing games which essentially you were, as you said you were attempting to look cool and not keen.

I think it is really best if you just stop trying to be someone else.

A "keen" girl is not going to be impressed by you holding back. If someone doesn't like you, they don't like you, playing it cool is not going to make them like you any better.

I feel interested people act interested, if anyone is acting uninterested, it is best to just move on and that is what this girl just did.

Genuine people aren't into playing games, be who you are. If she doesn't like who you are, then she is not the girl for you.

Here you had a girl who would have loved for you to act keen like you did in the past, but you messed up.

I think her saying she was busy and stressed was an attempt to make you feel less bad. She dumped you as she said at first (before you tried to justify your input), because she felt she was in one way conversations, ie you were hard work and she felt she was doing all the heavy lifting.

SHE did nothing wrong here, she highlighted something that didn't work for her and she did something about it ie she dumped you.

Why on earth would you feel bitter towards her?

September 16, 2016

Of course you should delete her. And you shouldn't care if it upsets her or not. The relationship is over (ended by her) so you have no obligation to her. She's needy and clingy. You're right it's exhausting. Best to move on.

I address communication styles early on. I directly ask a girl whether she likes to talk or text, and how often. I recently told a girl that I'll be in touch with her about twice a week and that's it. I work 12 hour shifts and have just 1-2 hours after work before I go to bed. On some longer days I don't even get to eat dinner. We're not going to talk on those days, period. She can either accept it or find someone else.

That's not being mean, it's just setting expectations upfront so everyone knows what they are in for.

If I ever get into a relationship with another girl, I might try and be friends with this girl down the line. At least then I'll know I won't have any emotional investment in her and she was cool to hang out with/talk to. Obviously, right now I'm not in the best frame of mind. I deleted her anyway whilst inboxing her why I had to do it. She said she didn't want to argue about it and I said I didn't want to argue, I wanted this to end in a civil way. She said that it sure sounded like I wanted to argue and she said that it was my decision entirely to not be friends with her. I said that I couldn't because I'd be expecting something to happen down the line and be lying to myself. But I said I appreciated that she didn't lead me on and that I would not contact her again.

September 16, 2016

It probably was down to that. People hate games and she thought you were playing one.

That's the problem she THOUGHT or YOU thought, he was playing one. Listen, there are some texts out there that don't warrant a response.

Anyhow, that's all moot because he was setting up to meet with her a third time...and was going to meet her in person.

But she sounds like a clinger to me, a text addict to be honest. People are so engrossed in their phone it's like a third arm. She jumped to a false conclusion about him.

I walked away from a guy who was happy to have me seeking him out, initiating every conversation but never reciprocating.

He was reciprocating, so not sure how you got the idea he wasn't. Would he have not set up the next date on Saturday if he wasn't?

Be careful what you put out there. Try and mirror the other person, then you won't come across as clingy or needy if you are doing what they are doing. They are expecting it. This whole idea of pretending to be in high demand blah, blah, blah is one of the worst idea's in dating history. Sincere people don't care, in fact, they may even be turned off by it. Insincere people however who are also pretending to be in high demand will. Which would you rather date?

The OP wasn't pretending, after all...again..he was arranging to meet with her...again. THAT'S all that matters.

She just flaked or came up with this BS excuse about "stress at work" . (That's always a good one) lol

I feel interested people act interested.

Again, he was interested...but the flake cut him off at the knees and cancelled the date. That's on HER not him.

September 16, 2016

what the hell did people whine about before texting was so popular? OP you did nothing wrong. I mean in a relationship you shouldn't have to spend the day analyzing when to text or what to text. It should flow naturally.

I just started back online dating and if just this morning I replied to a guys text from yesterday and his reply back was "holy delayed response". He text me at 8pm last night and I replied at 9am this morning. I work full time. I have a horse farm. I also was out on a date last night. Sorry, I'm 32, I don't live on my phone. I'm not even going to talk to that guy now. If I just start talking to someone and they are already on my case about not talking to them in the timeline they want, it'snot going to work. If we were in a relationship that would be another story.

That girl isn't going to find too many working guys that can text all day long. She needs a reality check.

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How not looking keen and bad timing actually ruined a great potential future with her

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